the dead candy man

 I remember when candy was so cheap.  My daddy would give me a dollar to go and buy candy and I could buy sack loads...today a dollar won't even barely buy one candy bar.  

I remember my mom had a boyfriend, and he gave me and my sister a one dollar bill to go and buy candy with.  So, my sister and I took off to the candy store.  We bought our candy and was walking back home, when I saw a house and the front door was wide open, loud music was coming from inside...me and my sister walked up (my sister staying on the sidewalk) and I peeked inside the door.  Why?  why would two little kids go up to a strangers house and look in their open front door?  I have no ideal.  However, to this day, I love looking in windows and looking into peoples houses to see how they live, to see how they decorate, to see people having a life and seemingly enjoying being with those around them in that house.  

I hated our house, we had nothing, barely any furniture, certainly no nice things. And mom was always yelling or screaming at us or hitting us, or ignoring us...the inside of our house was a fucking nightmare.

Back to the story of the opened door:  She walked up the porch steps, while her sister hung back on the sidewalk.  She looked into the house which opened to a entryway with living room off to the side.  As she was peaking into the house...she noticed a leg sticking out just around the corner on the floor...  Her little kid brain thought they were sleeping on the floor (like she use to see her  "dad" do, only he was passed out drunk)...she yelled out, but the leg did not move.  So she walked into the house, the few short steps to the leg, and she kicked it...the leg did not move, but she noticed a horrible smell, like baby shit and throw up, she immediately covered her nose...she kicked the leg again...no movement and the leg was oddly stiff as a board...

She looked further up the leg and saw a man, twisted in an odd way with his head looking behind him, yet his body was face up...she was looking at a dead man, a man who had been dead for awhile, a man who was murdered (?)..she ran out of the house, leaving her sister behind, and she ran all the way back to the store (where she had bought the candy) and told the checker there was a dead body...The checker did not believe her....told her to go home.  At the house, she told her mom.  Her mom told her to stop lying and trying to get attention and sent her to her room.  Nobody believed her.  The mom asked the sister what she saw, and she said nothing.  So naturally it was the little girl making up tall tales...

So, she was quiet.  Nobody believed her about the plane crash, nobody ever believed her, they all thought she was a liar and evil little girl.  

She was in the 2nd grade.  Her first time to see a dead and stinking corpse....and it wouldn't be her last...

The dead man, was not her "dad"...and that made her sad......

I do not know to this day what happened with that dead man,  but HE WAS REAL AND SHE WAS NOT LYING.  This was in Abilene TX, where we went after she finally left "dad"...

S, Tessa

never alone

 I am never alone, 

when I walk.

I am never alone,

when I speak.

I am never alone,

when I laugh,

 I am never alone.

when I cry,

I am never alone.

My thoughts,

are not my own.

My wisdom,

is not my own.

My heart,

is not my own.

My voice,

is not my own.

I am never alone,

we are all here,

we listen, we watch,

we sleep, we dream,

we feel, we speak,

 we dance, we eat,

we love, we laugh,

we hate, we hide,

 we never leave her alone....

S, Sammy....

10 minutes at a time

 Well shit.  I am not sure what is going on with me.  I really can't tell if it is me, or one of the others...but seems like my headaches are getting worse.

Is it the brain tumors or the alters?  Alters give me headaches, especially Lilly.  But this pain is different.  It is more of a throbbing nerve shooting pain, throbbing pain, shooting bolts of lightening behind the back of my eyes...Even closing my eyes and trying to rest, I feel the pain, cursing through my head.  I am also feeling so fatigued, even though I am sleeping good hours...(my temperature has never been feverish, so I don't think its Covid).

Is it the weather?  It has been very cold and rainy/snowy...does the atmospheric pressure cause the headaches to be more pronounced?  

As with migraines, my nausea is getting worse...the more my head hurts, the more nauseous I am.  When I close my eyes, I will get flashes of bright light, like a strobe light going off in my head...its very irritating to say the least...and I have had some dizziness and lightheadedness.  A couple of days ago, I was getting out of my jeep in a parking lot, and fell flat on my face...all I remember is getting out of the jeep, then laying on the hard pavement thinking "what the fuck?"  I seem to be running into things, knocking things over and being more clumsy than ever....is it getting older, or is it more?

Everything seems to hurt more, the pain throughout my body is more pronounced.  For example:  I step barefoot on a rock...ouch, but it feels more like I stepped on a piece of lava spiked metal...the pain seems inordinately more severe.  WEIRD AS FUCK...

I mentioned the worsening headaches to my advocate,  which I should not have done.  Now he is all worried and talking about "watching" me, and then going back to the Neurologist.  I have not had an MRI done of my tumors in more than 4 yrs.  So I really have no ideal how many new tumors I have or if they are growing or what....I don't want to know, frankly, because I cannot have any more types of brain surgery.  Anything there is inoperable anyway.....and I don't want to get back on pain pills, yet the weed I smoke is doing nothing for me anymore....I am getting stuck in a hard place.

What if by surviving 2020 to find out I am going to die in 2021 because of the brain cancer, I just don't want to know.  Fuck it is so hard living with all these ticking time bombs in my head.  

How can one person have so much going on in their head?

13 + brain tumors

7-alters

20 + fucking obstacles for my poor little brain to have to navigate....its no wonder I am an out of control emotional nightmare...no wonder my head hurts....

The chronic pain, now the worsening chronic pain, is wearing me down....how can I remain happy and healthy, when I hurt all the fucking time?  My advocate has chronic foot pain from a botched surgery, yet he is able to take pain medications and he goes to pain management.  He is probably addicted to the meds they are giving him, but they help him....for me, I am on no pain medication at all, except for the occasional Tramadol, and Ibuprofen.   Even drinking alcohol does not really help, mostly it fucks with my insulin levels and makes me nauseous.  

I try real hard, to not let anyone know the kind of pain I am in.  I keep most of it to myself.  I do not want to be a whiner and complainer.  So when I am with others, or in public, I live through the pain, I laugh, joke, hike, whatever, anything to try and distract me from the pain.

But when I am home, by myself, in the security of my own place...I let the pain come, and I cry or yell or scream or feel sorry for myself...I let myself be in pain....after holding it back all day, I release....and feel......then try to sleep.  Maybe I am not sleeping as well as I thought because I am trying to sleep with a headache...It must be a restless sleep....

I have also decided to not "whine" to my advocate anymore about my headaches...he knows I have them, I do not need to constantly remind him, he has enough to deal with, and he can't do anything for the pain anyway...so me complaining just makes him feel more helpless...its not fair to him or anybody for that matter to hear me constantly bitch moan and complain.  I am done with that.

I am so fucking tempted to get some heroin.  I know that sounds horrible, but it seriously would make the pain go away....I DO REALIZE IT WOULD CREATE ANOTHER ISSUE...so I won't go there, but I wish I could...

So today, I will run my errands, I will put a happy face on, and I will ignore the pain, until I am alone...I will put one foot in front of the other and live my life 10 minutes at a time.....just try and survive another day....

S

the monster

 I do not understand why a man would want to have multiple wives, or multiple girlfriends.

I do not understand how they could possibly keep everybody happy and not have drama....but with me, that is exactly that.  Drama.

I am only one physical body, but my mind is 7 different girls.  All with their own desires, wants, needs, thoughts, opinions etc...It is so hard for me, at times, to know why I am feeling one way or another, I can't even imagine how hard it must be for my significant other.   Am I just a really huge puzzle that he is putting together?  Am I a novelty?  A challenge? do I appeal to the intelligent brain--fix the problem?  

what happens when he gets tired of me/us...the constant drama, the ridiculous feelings and emotions that flow through me every fucking day all day...feelings I can't explain...feelings that to the "regular" world, they just look at me as "being a brat, or too emotional, or over the top, or a fucking pyscho.  Doctors wanted to medicate me, to make my emotions and everything else stable....meaning...drugs.  Shut up the 7 voices in my head...make me pliable, a robot.

My advocate is working so hard to help me to integrate and accept and learn more about these girls in my head, and when I feel "things" are getting better...BAM, back on my ass trying to figure out why I am feeling so fucking depressed or angry at myself...I understand that all women have emotions, issues, that women are much more sensitive than men, but with me, take all that X7, and you have an emotional nightmare, a wreck of a woman....screaming because, well, because I don't know why!!!!!

Ex;  for two days, I was led to believe something would happen...it did not happen the first day, so I let it slide because I was told it would be tomorrow.  Then tomorrow came and it did not happen again...I was upset, I felt stood up, even humiliated that I was looking forward to something....but I was not that upset...

but...evidently some of the alters also wanted what was expected to happen.  And when it didn't they were upset too.....enter, Sparrow...a fucking lunatic, going crazy because so much fucking shit emotion and anger and every other damn thing is cursing through me...My brain took the situation and heightened it to a level where, Sophee ended up stopping me.  But she was pissed too...

I was feeling embarrassed and frustrated that I seemed to be taking everything so much harder and reading into it more than it deserved....over thinking??  over feeling....I had no ideal why I was falling off a cliff.

Later,  a text was sent to my advocate from one of the girls, and he realized that they too were causing me emotional upset....he not only disappointed me, sparrow, he disappointed the girls too and they were letting me know the only way they know how...by fucking with my head and heart...

So, we now know more than ever, that my emotional state also relies heavily on the emotional state of my alters...

I don't know how to navigate my life so that we are all happy and content.  But I am learning, and I know I am going to fail and fuck up alot...but I have no choice but to accept and live with these alters.  

Acceptance is the hardest for me.....I fight them at every turn....its hard to accept that a monster created a monster.....I am that 7 headed  monster that was created....by a monster.   Now I have to tame the monster, master the monster, and live as a monster but not be a monster...

Fuck

S

Eeyore

 Since leaving Oklahoma, I resolved myself to not celebrate the holidays.  For two reasons: One: I am pagan and don't want to participate in christian holidays, and second:  I feel I have no right to celebrate a holiday and be happy when all my family is in Oklahoma without me.  I particularly have a hard time being around my advocates young son, because "why would I make memories with someone else's kid, and shun my own"..I feel guilty around him.

I really have no special christmas memories that stand out, except for when I got my first 10-speed bike.  the rest of the holidays through the years are nothing but a blur.

The memories that still stand out about christmas are horrible and disgusting (read prior entries).

This year, my advocate bought all my alters gifts.  The first time they have ever gotten gifts (except for Ally's birthday parties).  He spoke to each of them separately whenever they were presenting, and asked them what gift they would want.   I had no ideal this was going on.  This was our christmas eve together.

After him and I exchanged our gifts, he one by one, called out each alter and gave them their gifts.

Sophee wanted a dagger.  So the Advocate bought her a wicked cool Wiccan dagger.

Ally:  doll clothes and horses (Santa even brought a build a bear, and stuffed stocking)

Sammy:  a disco ball

Tessa: a jacket that was not BLACK (she doesn't like black clothes)

Lilly and Kaos never told him what they would like.  

It has never occured to my alters to get gifts.  They were caught off guard and had to think about what they might want.

But the kicker.  When I was really little I had a fairy tale book.  It had all kinds of stories in it, and it had Winnie the Pooh stories.  I remember that Eeyore was my favorite.  He was always losing his tail, and always depressed and always hung his head...I related to Eeyore.  I even remember having a small stuffed Eeyore.  My brother ended up with my Eeyore...  

My advocate handed me a big box.  When I unwrapped it, it was a big stuffed Eeyore.  I immediately burst into tears and was so fucking emotional.  He told me months and months ago, that I had mentioned Eeyore as my favorite...and he remembered.  He had no ideal, of course, just how much that little stuffed animal meant to me.  I was forced to let my baby brother have my Eeyore.  Now I had my own, and it is big and huggable.

Every gift he gave me was so thought out, all things I mentioned in passing...he remembered.  He didn't forget the things I say.  I often think he is not even listening to me...but that Eeyore!  He does listen...

I am still amazed at how much he cares for me and my girls.  He takes such good care of me.  He listens to me...

This is the first holiday since leaving Oklahoma, that I will remember and hold close to my heart.

S

Disposable me

I have periods when I cannot sleep.  I am tired, exhausted, but when I lay down to sleep, it eludes me.  I end up tossing and turning.  My head has a quiet buzz that drives me fucking crazy.

I have had this problem as long as I can remember.  I will go weeks and have no problem sleeping...then BOOM, I am awake and can't sleep.  When this happens, my body gets wonky.  I get real shakey, my head hurts worse, my eyes are gritty, I become real tearful...and the more I do to try and fall asleep, the faster sleep runs away from me.  The more tired my body gets, the harder for me to fall asleep.

Why is this?  Is this an alter day?  I know yesterday was a bad day, as I was told my alter was out most of the morning...my advocate seems to think his son is a "trigger" for me.  He is triggering my self-doubt, my insecurities (he is blood family, I am not...he comes first above all else) if my advocate had to choose his boy over me, it would be a no brainer and I would lose.  Of course, I would expect nothing less.  But its that fear that I am expendable that fucks with me.  I have always been expendable.

My husband picked his job and his god over me.  My kids picked their dad over me,  my friends picked my husband.  My family picked my husband.  When things got hard and difficult for me, they all threw me to the fucking curb.  I am expendable.  I have always been the throw away kid, and now I am the throw away adult.  I am only good to serve a purpose, and when that purpose is no longer wanted or needed or something better comes along, I am disposed of.

I was a disposable child, now a disposable adult.  Really though, why would I think that I am important?  Why would anyone think I am important.  As a wife, I served my husband and kids, cooking cleaning, keeping the house, being a taxi service, doing all the "wifely" things.  Then when my head started changing, I was suddenly not important anymore.  In Virginia, as a submissive, I do the same damn thing.  Cooking, cleaning, running errands, I do fucking "wifely" things to serve my Sir.  When he gets tired of me, I will become disposable too.  

My alters even are disposable...since they are really just a figment of my mind...my mentally sick mind... they do and say things that shove people away.  They know rejection, they know all about being disposable.   They know what the end is.....insomnia and madness.

S

baby doll

 She was never allowed to hold her baby brother.  She wanted to hold him so bad, but she did not want to break him.  She was told she would only drop him and hurt him.  So she watched her mother hold and cuddle the baby boy.  She watched all the love her mother had go straight to the baby boy.  Mom had no love left for her and maybe not even for her sister.  

she swore when she had a baby she would not drop or break it.  She would love and cuddle it, just like she watched her mother do with her brother.  She will give her baby all the love she did not get.  All the cuddles she did not get.

for her birthday or christmas (she can't remember) she got a baby doll as a gift.  The doll was soft and her eyes opened and closed.  She was very cuddly and looked just like a baby.  She loved that doll, she sang to it, cradled it, changed its clothes, put it too bed, she wanted to be a good mommy.  

the doll was taken away from her.  one day her mother was angry and saw her holding the doll, mom yanked the doll out of her hands and threw it in the garbage.  

she felt as if her mom had thrown her in the garbage.  she did not cry, however.  if she cried she got beat or punished.  so she let the doll stay in the garbage...she forgot about the doll.

better to forget than to remember.  forgetting does not hurt.

sammy

todays kids

I have come to a stark realization.  I do not like or enjoy being around kids.  I no longer have the patience for their behavior.  Even my own grandsons, I can only take in very small doses.  Mostly, I believe its the parents of said little kids that really piss me off.  I watch my kids indulge their kids, let their kids get away with lying, let themselves be manipulated by their kids, and the smart fucking mouth it seems kids have more of these days.  

I don't know if it is because my own life as a kid was a shit fest.  Or I am jealous because I NEVER got away with lying or manipulating my parents.  I got beat to a pulp for basically everything.  Punished all the time...If I did not like my dinner plate, I was welcome to not eat the meal, but I got nothing in its place.  I either ate what was given to me to eat, or I went hungry.  None of this fucking bullshit, eating only what the kid wants.  My grandsons are like that, if they don't like what mama made, she will make them something they do like.  Which is FUCKING WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS.  lets teach our kids to be picky eaters, lets teach our kids that they always get what they want...lets spoil them.  Lets only feed our kids fast food, chips and fucking garbage, they like that...lets let our kids get fat as pigs so they can be bullied, have horrible health and every other thing.  

My advocate has a small son that lives mostly with his mother.  This kid is 8 yrs old and weighs 100 pounds.  The average weight for a 9 yr old boy is 63 pounds.  His kid is almost 40 pounds overweight.  He is well on his way to juvenile diabetes and horrible bullying.  But his mother is fat and basically white trash, late 20's and getting married for the 4th time?!  Since the advocate only has his son every couple months, he really cant do anything to change the direction of his sons life...but, I feel when he does have his son, he needs to not be the "fun parent".  He needs to have rules.  You eat what is given you.  You clean up after yourself.  You get off your ass and go outside and get some exercise.  Wear your fucking mask. etc....but he is a pacifist and is more happy just not murking the water.  So his son suffers.  He is not doing his son any favors.  In fact, he is basically saying "do what you want" I don't give a shit if you are fat, stupid, or don't wear a mask....WRONG WAY TO PARENT

I see this same philosophy with my own kids in regards to their kids. And I can assure you I raised my kids to eat what is given them, and they were disciplined and had rules to follow.  Nowadays its the kids that are the boss, not the parent.  AND THIS PISSES ME OFF.  MY ADVOCATE IS NOT THE PARENT, HIS SON IS.  MY DAUGHTER AND SON ARE NOT PARENTS, THEIR KIDS ARE.

If for some reason, my advocate had to take full time custody of his son, that would be our end.  I cannot be a part of raising todays generation of spoiled fat brats.  I will have to walk away.  I believe this is my biggest fear.  

S

PS  It is official.  I am the worst person in the world.  This is why I need to be alone.  I am a monster.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

what kind of person does not love children? an ugly person.

Ugly: adjective.    unpleasant or repulsive, especially in appearance, or involving or likely to involve violence or other unpleasantness.  Unpleasantly suggestive: causing disquiet.  or morally repugnant.

that's me:

I am ugly

my thoughts are ugly

my speech is ugly

my body is ugly

my habits are ugly

my music is ugly

my ideals are ugly

my fantasies are ugly

my brain is ugly

my emotions are ugly

my writing is ugly

    -poems, ugly

    -stories, ugly

    -pictures, ugly

my memories are ugly

my life is ugly.

I am ugly.

we are all ugly....

S

Covid vaccine

I know this is crazy, but I am afraid to get the Covid-19 vaccine.  Not because I am a anti-vaxxer, but because I had a severe allergic reaction to the Tetanus vaccine over 20 years ago.  I have been reading about the vaccine and some people are having allergic reactions that are severe.  Not many, but some.  Now, we are talking about me, if anything bad or awful or bizarre is going to happen, it will happen to me....DON'T BELIEVE ME?? GO BACK AND READ MY ENTRIES...FUCK!!!

 When I received the tetanus vaccine, I got the shot at the doctors office, came home and within an hour, my arm started swelling exponentially at the injection site.  It got so sore I could not move my fingers in that arm...then I started having trouble taking a deep breath, like a belt was pulled tight against my chest so it could not expand with air.  I called my neighbor who took me to the emergency room and by the time I got there, I could not even swallow my own spit...I was scared shitless...

this is why I am so afraid or leery of this new vaccine.  I plan on sitting by and watching for awhile.  I will not get this vaccine until the general population of America gets it first, that way I will see how the masses are tolerating this vaccine.  When you have had a severe allergic reaction to a medication, it makes you extremely gun shy....

my advocate who works in a hospital setting, will be getting his vaccine next week!  I will be watching him closely too....he needs the shot because of his place of work,  I do not need my shot, I do not work outside the home, I don't go anywhere, so I am pretty safe from the virus as long as I stay diligent with my masks and all the covid safety precautions.

I am glad my advocate will be getting the vaccine soon,  he has had co-workers with covid, he is around it too much for my comfort...He is also a smoker and does not have O positive blood (which seems to thwart severe reactions from the disease) plus he is over 50.  He is a much higher risk than me....I am isolated and I have 0 positive blood. I don't smoke and I have no preexisting conditions, other than brain tumors and DID which have nothing to do with the lungs and the virus.  I am very healthy otherwise.

It will be very interesting to see how the vaccine works out.  Hopefully it will be good for Americans and the side effects will be minimum and the virus will be put down!

S

PS.  I just now read (after writing the above) that some doctors are reporting that people who have had serious reactions to vaccinations and bee stings, probably should not get the vaccine.  Well shit, I am allergic to bee stings and tetanus vaccine...so I guess I am screwed.

happy?

 Its hard to see

what you feel.

I feel sad,

what does that look like?

Is sadness, the big tears

that slide down a face?

Or is it a pain,

deep inside, with no gain...

Is happiness a smile,

pasted on a tired face?

Or does happiness

rest in your heart?

Can happiness and sadness

coexist?

sadness is comforting

it is a familiar warm blanket.

I am happy to be sad...

sammy

Cooking

I really do not like to cook.  I would rather clean up and let someone else do the cooking.....

For me, I believe Tessa does the most cooking.  Before a meal, I lay out all the ingredients, then systematically make the dinner.  Or at least I always thought it was me....but I believe that is Tessa.  Tessa likes lists and things done in order...When I am in the kitchen, my mind wanders...I think about other things, not what I am making...then before I know it, the meal is ready, and I am like "well shit"....ok then....never thought much about it until now.

During the holiday season I like to make chex mix for my neighbors as a gift.  Making it from scratch is very systematic.  Mix, stir, bake 15 minutes, stir, another 15 minutes, stir another 15 minutes,stir and a final 15 minutes..an hour a batch...So I keep a record of how many times I have stirred the mix by making marks.

This is three batches of chex mix.  Notice the marks and circles?  

My advocate noticed something...some of the marks are black and some are blue....remember the alters all picked a certain color marker to leave notes or whatever...Tessa picked blue, and black is mine, Sparrow.   On the picture above, some of the lines are blue and a circle is blue.  This is Tessa, she did the stirring and mixing at those times....so we basically went back and forth making chex mix...I did not notice the board at all....sometimes the alters hide things from me, even though they are in plain sight to everyone else, to me they are hidden.

It is interesting sometimes after come home from a grocery store or department store and finding items in my bags I did not consciously buy.  It use to freak me out, like I stole them, but looking at my receipt, the items are always paid for.   For example, Ally likes these horrible nasty little curly cue barbeque chips...occasionally I will be putting groceries away and there they are....bought and paid for.  But not something I would have bought as Sparrow.  So Ally put them in the basket and while checking out at the register, she shielded my eyes from noticing the chips....I do not understand how this works, but it does, and I believe all the alters do this to some degree.  Its like extreme dementia (almost)..

I also know that when I am craving meat, like a hamburger, I know that is usually Tessa or one of the alters as they all eat meat...but me.  Sometimes I will crave a big soft pretzel, out of the blue, and now I know when I get that craving it is Sammy.  Sammy loves soft pretzels...the girls (alters) do write their requests on the dry erase board every once and awhile...but mostly their requests are in my head ie..an unusual craving for meat, or pretzels, or nasty chips, or an overwhelming emotion that is not jiving with the situation...

I am really trying to listen more to my head, my body and my thoughts...because there are 7 total of me, and I need to tune into them too....Herd immunity in my head....hahaha

S

 

A Spurt of Sparrow

So, I use to think that the alters would come out at certain times, usually when triggered, but now I am wondering if they don't pop in and out periodically during the day.

A lady I watch "multiplicity" on Youtube, who also has DID, she allows time for her alters...blocks off time during the week.  For example, "Tuesday night, 4-9:00 pm is so and so's time"...wednesday morning 7-noon, is so and so's time, etc....She runs her alters and her life like a fine tuned machine.  Or at least it appears so on her program.  I am undecided about her routine.  I mean, what if say on "wednesday during so and so's time, I (host) want to do something else", how do I negotiate with an alter???  I want to understand how she does this, Multiplicity.  

My alters do not adhere to time, days, rules etc...it appears they only come out when triggered by an event, music or whatever..I believe mine flit in and out randomly throughout the day.   I have blocks of time that I can't account for...I may be driving then all the sudden I am at my destination and don't recall driving to get there.  I know that Sammy, Lilly and Tessa drive too.

It's like Sparrow lives her life and days in spurts...A spurt of Sparrow, a spurt of Ally, Lilly, Tessa, Sophee , Sammy and Kaos.  All through the day...no wonder I live in a constant state of confusion, frustration and "what the fuck?"  I have learned to brush off things and time I cannot account for....if nothing detrimental happened in that time, I blow it off...I have too...because focusing on "what the fuck" will drive me fucking insane...

I am also starting to think Boomer, my dog, recognizes when an alter is out.  He is so sensitive to me, I do believe he knows when I am Ally or one of the others...I can't prove this, however.

Tessa likes "lists", so I make lists of chores, errands etc that I need to do.  I will start the list, then before I know it, it is finished and I don't recall doing half the things I had listed...this is Tessa spurting in to do the chores, then spurting out and letting me back in....

fuck my life is so weird....

S

Ally's dream

Ok, so earlier I wrote an entry called "dreaming alters"...I was wondering if my alters dream...I have watched YouTube videos of others with alters, instructional and educational shows on DID, but nobody has ever addressed the issue of sleep, and if my alters dream.  I know that I dream, as Sparrow, but what about the others?

Well I now have the answer.  At least an answer for me.  YES, the alters dream.

A couple of nights ago, my advocate stayed over night.  He was asleep on my couch (which is a hideaway bed also) and sometime in the night, he said that "Ally" came into the room, and curled up at the foot of the couch bed.  He thought it was me, Sparrow, until he said something.  He told me that she had come into the room, crawled into the bed and was crying.  When asked why, Ally said that she had a bad dream that all her toys were destroyed...He said he put his arm around her, ensured her that her toys were not destroyed, and sung to her, lulling her back to sleep.  He said at some point she got up and went back to bed.

I do not remember that happening at all.  Obviously, it was not me.  It was Ally.   

In my other blog about "dreaming alters", I stated that I remember dreams about dancing and others...but if I remember them, then chances are they weren't dreaming (sammy was not dreaming about dancing) I was, I remember the dream.  Is that how it works???

So, I do believe Alters dream, just like I dream, the host, Sparrow.  Another thing, if the alters all think Sparrow is an alter like them (when one is presenting they feel Sparrow is like them...) then just by me dreaming...an alter is dreaming???!!!  

fuck, it is so confusing...

The advocate once asked Ally, "where is Sparrow?"  Her answer, "she is sleeping".  So at least when Ally is out, she perceives Sparrow as sleeping...when the others are presenting, where or how do they perceive Sparrow?  I have no ideal.

If I sleep all night, but am so fucking tired still the next day, I am beginning to think, on mornings like that...I must have had the alters dreaming and running amok all over my apartment...like Ally obviously does!  My X husband said I sleep walked at times...I really think what he saw was my alters out, fronting, while I was asleep...or maybe they were dreaming...

I just don't know...there is literally so much mystery about DID..it is an enigma...

S 

 

A nod to Christmas

 Ok, so it is no secret I do not worship the Christian god, therefor I really don't celebrate the typical christian holidays...christmas, easter, etc...In fact, if I do celebrate them I put my own fucking twist to it.  Last night we had some fun with the Christmas tree!  Here are some pics...I am sure Santa would approve even if Jesus would not!!!

Also, my advocate has a Dallas Cowboys Christmas Tree, with Dallas village and train set, all NFL DC ornaments and decorations...very expensive, very beautiful and elegant. 

 

So, me, being me, I had to guy some of "my" ornaments to hang on his tree.  I hid them in the tree and he discovered them later.  They are jokes, and bless his heart he lets them stay on his tree!!!

Now that is celebrating the holidays...fucking style!!!!

S

Dance with me

 Come dance with me.

Listen to the music,

become the music,

let the drums, be your lungs.

let the lyrics, be your voice

let the strings be your limbs

let the beat, be your heart

and let the song be your joy...

Turn up the volume.

let the sound, erase your mind,

let the melody be your guide

let your body, be your instrument.

and let the vibrations, curse through your soul.

close your eyes and dance.

Come dance with me.

Sammy

The problem

 I have nothing intelligent to say.  I know nothing about science or space or geeky stuff: computers, cell phones etc...I do not have a job, or a career or anything that is productive and important.  I have no friends to talk with and share in their lives and them in mine.  My only contact is my advocate.  Other than him, I am so alone,  isolated and secluded.  This is the fact of living with DID.  Isolation and loneliness. (and the fucking Covid-19 doesn't help either, this stupid lockdown).

My advocate has a job, an important job.  He has work "wives" and work "friends".  He interacts with people all day.  He is smart, he knows about everything, he watches shows that confuse me and fuck with my head, like quantum physics...He has intelligent insight into issues that effect our country and politics, he understands things, in fact, he is a problem solver...  

I try to not eavesdrop when he is on the phone to his friends or family, but sometimes I can't help but hear the conversations.  They are about work, the country, family, politics etc...He talks with smart intelligent people,  people who have careers, people who are "normal"....and they talk about grown up adult topics.

Then there is me, abnormal.  I cannot carry on an intelligent conversation with him.  He makes me feel so dumb and stupid.  He does not mean too, but it happens anyway.  I am so beneath him...If he talks  about his job, I listen, but if I offer a comment or a solution or whatever, he ignores it, or glosses over my suggestion, or very nicely corrects me and explains to me why my "suggestion or comment" is irrelevant.  I get it too, because I have no ideal of his job, or the people he works with.  I am new to the situation, basically I need to not offer conversation about things I do not know anything about.

I feel the same way about my Nurse friends, and other friends (the very few I have but don't live by me)...they are all so important, so smart, so needed...and here I am...doing nothing...sitting on my ass spending my X- husbands money...doing absolutely nothing, being no one, just trying to get through another day...

The only thing that is interesting about me is the DID.  And that is only 1/7 th me.  The rest is the crowd.  I am a novelty right now.  Something new to learn about and study,  a mental illness practice dummy....What do I have to talk about?  my rats? my dog?  how many times I brushed my teeth today?  

I am a sex toy and DID girl.  Thats it.  That is the sum total of my life.   If I died today, the only people who would be impacted is maybe my advocate, but mostly my dog.  I love sex, in fact I crave it.  I think about sex all the time...I miss being beautiful and sexy, its the only thing I feel I can do pretty good.  How sad is that...how sad that I base my entire worth on whether or not I am desirable.  fuck, stupid stupid stupid.  See this is what happens when you are so alone, your mind fixates on stupid things...

My advocate wants to start a youtube tutorial about living with a partner/family member who has DID.   To educate the care givers to DID freaks.   Again, he is doing something that is smart, that helps others, he will make a difference in the lives of the people who watch and learn from his videos.  

But me? no.  I am the subject...the sick one...I will be in the closet...I am so ashamed of my DID...I couldn't bare putting my voice and face out there...It would be a distraction from the important work that he wants to do with this condition.  So, I will continue to hide and be invisible.

I feel I am a problem.  A problem to be solved, explained and managed.  He should call the video "The problem with alters and dealing with them"  and if I put a face to this "problem" then I BECOME THE PROBLEM...people will tune in to see "the problem"....to see the freak show, rather than to learn anything.

I am not proud of having DID.  I am not proud of the fact that I survived..because by surviving the side effects of my trauma,  it turned me into a 7 headed monster...that is not survival of the fittest, that is mutation and the birth of another kind of monster.   

I know that I should not be writing this...but if I keep it inside, then I become worse.

I am just so goddamn tired of being so fucking stupid.  Of expecting things that won't happen.  Of voicing my needs and desires only to see them left laying on the floor in pieces.  When will I ever learn.

OH YEAH, THE ALTERS BLOCK MY LEARNING...THEY LIKE ME TO FEEL HUMILIATED AND USED, WORTHLESS AND STUPID.  THEY REVEL IN SEEING ME FALL ON MY FACE TIME AND TIME AGAIN...I AM THE FREAK SHOW FOR THEM TO WATCH TOO

FUCK, ANOTHER BANNER DAY...FOR THE PROBLEM.  AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU ARE NOT THE FREAK BUT ONLY READING ABOUT THE FREAK?  IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN YOU SHOULD FALL ON YOUR FACE BEFORE YOUR GOD AND THANK HIM PROFUSELY FOR NOT DESTROYING YOUR LIFE LIKE HERS WAS...HE FELT YOU MATTERED...BE GRATEFUL.

S. s

Still life.

 Life is weird. 

 Life is unfinished business.  

as long as you have life,

you are unfinished.

You finish, when you die.

Because each day is different

each month, each year, 

all different.   Who can know

what tomorrow brings?

One day, you are chained,

then one day, you are free.

Life blows up,

then it blows away...

a new chapter... a story to be written..

in your memories.

My life fascinates me.

It has so much mystery,

each day, a puzzle to solve,

still life..

a new adventure,

someone to find,

something to hold...

a script to be still be written..

live your life...

I am living mine....ours..

S......

A clusterfuck brain

Fact:  in 2008, I was diagnosed with a smallish frontal lobe meningioma.  The tumor was pressed up against the Sattual Sinus Cavity vein.  I had been having headaches for a long time, and finally found out why.  Because of the location of the tumor, it could not be removed, so they elected to do Stereotactic Radiation Surgery.  They used a machine to beam 14 beams of radiation to attack the tumor and kill it.   After the procedure, the doctor, brain surgeon, physicist and everyone involved with the procedure came out and sat my folks and husband down and informed them that "one" of the beams strayed off course and burned 30 % of healthy brain tissue...in my frontal lobe...but they assured us that it probably is nothing and I shouldn't worry......The radiation burned and damaged my frontal lobe.

Every year after that I had MRI's done, the first 3 or so years everything looked good....then one year I had 3 tumors, the next year 6 until in 2016 I had more than 10 meningeomas...all in the location of the radiation burn.   I have no ideal how many I have now, and since another surgery is out of the question (can only do brain surgery once)  I have to live with the fact that I have 10+ little time bombs in my brain.

 Now compare all of that to the fact that I also have DID.  Headaches are very common with DID and headaches are very common with brain tumors.  So which is causing the headaches....

I loose time, I forget things...DID sufferers also forget things, loose time, people with frontal lobe tumors forget things, loose time....

frontal lobe damage changes a person, literally can change their personality...when an alter is fronting my personality is different, I change to another person....is it the tumors that cause me to be different or the alters?

It is so fucking hard to figure out:  what is tumors vs what is DID.

I get anxious and have panic attacks...is that DID or the brain tumors?  Brain tumors, especially in the frontal lobes, change people, they change who they fundamentally are....so does DID.  

The brain tumors and the DID have taken away my identity.  They have taken the woman "Sparrow/Melissa" wife, mother, sister, daughter, grandma (my identity) and have changed me to "Sparrow" woman with DID and brain tumors...I have went from NORMAL to FREAK...I am now known as the DID person...I use to be the dog lady, now I am the multiple lady....FUCK

I REALLY DO NOT HAVE AN IDENTITY ANYMORE.  I AM A CONGLOMERATE OF MANY ENTITIES TRYING TO CRAM THEMSELVES INTO A SMALL BRAIN/BUILDING.  JOCKYING FOR POSITION AND CAUSING HAVOC AND HEARTACHE.

When I talk about my DID and tumors, I know I sound so fucking far out...how the hell can she even live and function?  Shouldn't she be locked up?  How can one person have so much inside their brain yet still be independent and somewhat responsible?  

Well that is debatable...I feel out of control, confused and angry most of the time....I have so many emotions that are not normal...I feel mixed up and confused most of the time...I am constantly at war with myself and them, the girls.  They want to be host, fuck Tessa is more host than I am....maybe she is the only sane one and the rest of us are fucking head cases!  haha....and at the same time, I have the reminders of 10+ little ticking time bombs inside my head every time I get a headache...will I have a stroke now (stroke is my biggest threat)...I walk on the egg shells that are my life.

S

so is it my brain tumors that cause so many symptoms or is it the alters???  its a convoluted mess....

DID/liars

 I have to say,  my brain is so fucking bizarre.   One brain (organ) but 6 distinct people live there.  6 other brains...Can you imagine trying to drive a car with 7 engines?  Which engine does what?? One engine may need an oil change, one may need new sparkplugs, but trying to figure out which engine needs what when they are all crammed into a tight space in the car would be a huge task....process of elimination, one brain breaking down, while the others try to keep the wheels rolling...pulling dead weight.

I read that your brain size is approximately the size of your fist being covered up by your other hand..How can 6 other brains fit in that small space?  Does having 6 personalities diminish other functions of the brain?  I think it does.

My memory sucks

I cannot juggle

I can barely even walk a straight line anymore

I am so fucking clumsy, I bump into everything...

I have the hardest time figuring out even the most simplest of tasks

I cannot read, words confuse me after a time...

I go from feeling happy to sad or angry or whatever with the snap of a finger.

I have no patience...

I cannot control my emotions.

Whatever it is that is in the brain that helps with those issues listed above, have been crowded out, pushed out and thrown away...so now I have 6 other brains jockeying for position, making me feel like a crazy insane person.   

To the world, all DID sufferers are liars...been caught in lies, etc...but here is the deal.

One personality may do or say something the other personalities don't know about.  For instance:  Tessa says she is christian.   But Sparrow hates christians and does not act or behave like one.  So all the people who encountered Tessa (thinking it was me) see and hear one thing, then days or so later they encounter me, and I say and act totally differently....I am perceived to be a liar and hypocrite.  Or,  one day I am right handed and tell everyone I am right-handed, then they see me using my left hand and think "why would she lie about being right handed?  she must be a habitual liar...."  I have dealt with people and family calling me a liar my whole life.  Making up all these grandiose fantasies, saying the most bizarre things.   

If all the personalities were like Sparrow, then I would not be perceived as a liar or fake person...they would all act the same, talk the same, think the same, so no one would ever be confused, I would be consistent.  But all my personalities are so fucking different,   they say and do things that I have no ideal what, but others see it, then see "sparrow" and ridicule me.  I am called a liar, manipulator, whatever...Sometimes I even doubt myself..."did that really happen?"  everyone says it never happened, but then I find out it did...(ie..the plane crash), but all my life my family did not believe me, they called me a liar.

This is why coming out and telling my story, revealing my DID is so important.   It validates me, it shows I am not a liar...each alter has their own memories, real memories, just memories I may not know about...they do not lie, they do not try to grab attention, far from it....but people who do not know about DID, just see me, Sparrow.   

Sparrow the actor, liar, attention seeker, fool, idiot and stupid one.   Poor girl.

In reality, all Sparrow is, is a little bird, trying to fly against the wind, trying to be free, trying to live among the vultures and prey that constantly try and clip her feathers...

S

she is not a liar,  I am the christian, not her.  I am the only christian...    T