Music trigger

Isn't it weird how a song, or picture, or smell or taste or whatever can trigger a memory?  I mean you are coasting through the day and then "boom" a song on the radio sends your head into oblivion...

Music and smells are my biggest trigger.  I can't go into a small enclosed area, especially if it smells like mold or something gross like that....the smell of a city bus station, makes me want to vomit.....

The smell of sink drains, makes me want to puke...sink drains?? How fucking weird is that....

Last night, my advocate was over working on his car.  We were in the kitchen eating dinner and a song came on the radio...a song from the late 70's era.  Immediately and out of the fucking blue my head started to buzz and I felt myself drifting away from my body...My advocate went to turn it off, but I said no...I listened to the song, danced to it, sang along with the lyrics, but at the same time I was far far away in my head...I started having trouble focusing on reality, I felt like maybe a memory was trying to form...My advocate grabbed my sensory box and gave me the grapevine, and immediately put on a song that was obnoxious and would replace the weird state I was in....He put in the theme for "Cheers", the TV show.   That worked!  that horrible catchy tune was like heart paddles reviving my mind, snapping me back... 

Lilly did not appear, so I don't know how bad the memory was going to be, and the memory never surfaced...it hovered just out of reach.

I could try and force the memory, by playing that same song again...but without my advocate with me, it might be a bad decision...disassociating is scary and freaky.

My head starts humming, buzzing, I start feeling very light headed, tingly, everything around me suddenly starts moving away from me, backwards and I feel like I am moving and thinking in slow motion...I can't focus on a task...and panic will set in if I don't snap out of it....the full blown panic attack...which usually means when that happens, Sophee has to take over and do what she needs to do to snap me out of it.  Which means she hurts me, refocuses my mind on physical pain.  The reality of acute pain, like smelling salts under a nose to keep from feinting, snaps me back.

But her methods of dealing with me, causes problems.  She cut up my arm a couple of days ago, just superficial cuts that just bled and hurt enough to get my attention...but I had a doctors appointment.  I went to the appointment wearing long sleeves...I had not counted on the doctor wanting blood work.  So at the lab, I only uncovered my arm with no marks....well the lab tech could not get a vein in that arm.  I WAS NOT GOING TO SHOW MY OTHER ARM...CAN YOU IMAGINE TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT AWAY?? so I walked out and canceled the lab work. 

  My advocate called the doctor and explained to her best he could why I left without labs without telling her exactly why...so I have now 6 weeks for my arm to heal so I can get labs done.   

This is one of the awful things I deal with, having alters.  I have lied about my bruises, cuts and burns my whole life, explaining them away.  Everyone around me just assumed I was a clutz and horrible cooker...I joked about it....I have no control when an alter is fronting.  They are in control doing what they have to do to get me through the day.   

I know that the memory I am trying to get, the 70's song, was a favorite of Ronnie.  The guy that ritualistically abused me, who is now locked up in prison for pedophilia.  I have written about his abuse in previous posts...maybe the song just reminds me of him and our time together good and bad....maybe the song sends my head into confusion because Ronnie was good and bad to me,  and my subconscious does not know how to handle both thoughts at once...I don't know....I just fucking don't know.

S