happy sad memory

 So, I do not have many memories of me and my mother laughing and having fun together...but yesterday,  as I was driving, I had a memory...

About 14-15 yrs ago, my daughter got into a car accident and her car was towed to a shop.  She had to borrow my car for school and work and I needed to go and clean out her wrecked car.  I had no way to get there, so I called my mom to ask her if I could borrow her car.  She said she would come get me.  My dad had just gotten her a PT Cruiser standard transmission and she wanted to drive it.  So, mom came and picked me up.  At the garage where the wrecked car was, I was cleaning out her car and found a crack pipe along with her school books and such....I am so glad, I found the pipe, and not the police or garage workers.  (BTW, the pipe was not hers, but a friends, and I believe her, she had some wild friends).  As we were leaving the garage, mom got caught on an incline over railroad tracks and stalled the PT Cruiser.  She restarted the car, put it in first and stalled it again.....I started giggling...she started giggling...and the more we laughed the harder it was for her to get the car off the tracks and into  first gear....the car was bucking and kicking and we were both laughing so hard, we had tears rolling down our faces....

Here we were, two women, stuck on railroad tracks with a crack pipe in our car....so fucking funny....and my mom the preachers wife!  I did not tell her about the pipe I found....she finally got the car out of first and we made it off the tracks before a train or cop found us!!

We giggled about that all the way home.

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while this memory is a happy and fun one, it ended up making me so fucking sad....that is the only time I remember feeling like she loved me...the only time the "past was the past"....I felt guilty for writing all those horrible memories of her.  Does one good day cancel out all the horrible days???  I wish so much that her and I could have been friends...a girl needs her mom...

Maybe another fun memory will surface to make me feel guilty all over again...that day we were laughing so hard together should have been a bonding moment, a time when my mom should have "apologized to me for Ronald and all the fucking abuse I had to endure" or she could have apologized for not being the mother I needed...anything, but she never and has never apologized for a damn thing...

and that is how a happy memory makes me sad....

S