a perpetual child

I know I should not write most of the stuff I write on this blog.  I use it more for a diary than anything, but with a few people reading it, it is not really a diary but a way to release the words that are crammed into my head...I don't write for comments or to make political statements, I write to relieve the pressure that is constantly bearing down on me..

its the only way I can scream and think I am being heard...I know that I am a fucking head case...I know that I should be more adult and stuff my feelings better, to be mature and all that....but I am not an adult....most of my personalities are children and teenagers...I will always be immature and childish for the rest of my days...even though my body is aged, I think and behave like a childish fucking brat.  I lose my temper easily, I cry and whine and complain all the time, I even play with fucking toys.

A grown ass old fucking woman, playing with dolls and talking and acting like a child....behaving like a child, thinking like a child...stupid fucking alters.  I can't even be a grown up....

I thought my childhood was taken from me, and it was, but so was my adulthood, my old age hood, and my whole entire life.   There is so many conflicting feelings and thoughts and actions inside my head and body, I will never be a whole person.  I will never be an adult.  I am a perpetual child...basically retarded.  A retard.

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and here it comes...

depression rolling in as waves of despair.

I feel my heart,

sinking to the ground,

being stomped on by footprints of loneliness.

One set of prints,

no one carrying me

no jesus, no god,

just footprints of no one.

Always alone

in my journeys, my tiny prints of nothing.

dogged by foot steps of anger, disgust and shame.

My prints are in the sand,

being filled up by tides of crippling sadness

and despair.

prints erased as soon as they are noticed...

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Why does sadness find me?

I try to run and hide,

I try to laugh and smile,

I can't be happy, I have tried.

I have lied, cheated and stole,

trying to find peace, 

from myself.

Only to find war in my brain,

 injury to my heart, and

scar tissue tearing up my soul.