I am Sammy

 My name is Sammy.  I am quiet, nobody knows when I am around.  I cannot speak, because his hand is always over my mouth...he took my words away...and I can't find them anymore.

I want to scream sometimes, but no sound comes out, so I dance.  I turn the music up real loud and let the band scream for me....I let my body scream...I close my eyes and imagine singing,  I close my eyes and imagine words that are lost to me.

I bit his hand once....

I yell and scream with my hands, my soundless hands....Music is my voice and my body is my instrument...dancing is my machine...

Just leave me be, let my silence be a sign of the intense screaming that goes on when I cannot hear the music...I scream in silence...

Scream for me,  beautiful music...move me...take away my silence....

Dog tootsie rolls

Once upon a time there were two little girls, sisters.  After school they would go to the baby sitters house until their mother got off work.  

there were other children at the house too.  One day, the mother was late getting off work so the sisters ate dinner at the babysitters house. 

So everyone was seated around the table.  The sisters were seated side by side.  During dinner, the younger sister was chewing her food really loud.  She was grunting and making all kinds of sounds in her mouth.  The babysitter heard her....only she thought it was the older sister making all the rude noises with her food in her mouth.  She told the older sister to chew with her mouth closed and stop grunting...The older sister glanced at the younger one, then nodded her head and said "sorry"...dinner went on....the younger sister started making all the noise again chewing her food...finally the babysitter had had enough...

"I told you to stop eating like a pig"...no more dinner for you, leave this table now and go outside.  She was looking directly at the older girl who had not finished eating yet...The older sister asked if she could finish her meal first and that she promised to stop being noisy" (even though she was not the one being noisy)...

The babysitter got up from her chair, walked around the table and yanked out the older sisters chair and pushed her out..."you insist on eating and behaving like a dog, go outside and eat the dogs food"..

So with everybody watching and smirking, the older sister walked outside.  In a little while, the little sister came outside (she had finished eating) and she was taunting the older sister...."I got ice cream for dessert"....so, the older sister walked away and picked up a hard small piece of dog shit.  "I got a tootsie roll, you want one?" she asked the little sister...."Yes!", so the older sister handed the "dog tootsie roll" to her and she put it in her mouth and started chewing.  Shortly she realized it was not candy and spit it out and started crying.   

 The older sister walked away, smiling, even though she knew she would be in trouble later for giving her sister dog shit to eat...but she was happy, her sister deserved to eat dog shit.   The future punishment would be worth it.......

S

I am not "Sybil"

Having alters is nothing like what is portrayed on television or the movies or even fictional books.  Hollywood makes it out to be as if you are a monster (Split) or you are (Sybil), or doctor Jeckle and mr Hyde...

Alters do not come out willy nilly....they do not present to strangers unless they have to protect the host, and most times a person is not even aware the alter is fronting.   (At least in my case)

DID patients do not change physical form (Split), but they do have more subtle changes, eyes darkening, hand usage (going from left to right), voice changes, inflection or accents, and mannerisms,  and intelligence levels.  The changes a person with DID has is more in the brain, not the body.  

However, I do have an alter that can control my breathing and mask my pain levels, she takes my pain for me when it is extreme...but again, that is more of the brain function, not physical changes...

Alters are usually very different than their hosts.  I have one alter that mimicks me (sparrow) and it is very hard to discern when she is out, she can usually fool anyone around....but she does not present as some monster or crazy person (like hollywood).   My other alters have their own very distinct style and personality, not at all like me, Sparrow.

I have also watched shows that were suppose to be "explanatory" of MPD or DID, but instead portrayed the DID patient as "lying" to further an agenda (Private Practice)...

Alters do not have an agenda.  Their only purpose is to protect the host.   They do not lie and manipulate to get something.  They do what they can to protect the mind of their host.  They are mind guards.  They guard my mind from pain, memories, and fear.

Its no wonder that the few people who know I have DID do not know how to act or what to say around me.  They have seen movies or tv shows and that is all they know about DID...what hollywood defines it as....I went to a friends house once and the first thing out of his mouth when I entered his home was "so who am I speaking to today?"   this was extremely offensive to me and demeaning.  

          a.  I do not pick and choose which alter "I am today"

          b.  I am not a comedy routine

          c.  I did not choose to have DID, how I got here was tragic

               and horrific, and to make light of it, is extremely rude and 

                and hurtful, even damaging.   

          d.  I am embarrassed by my condition and for someone to 

               "make light of it" only makes me more insecure.

I am sure, that other sufferers of DID have the same or similar feelings.    But on the other hand, a DID sufferer does not want to be coddled or treated with kit gloves...we do not want to be singled out as "different" or "mentally ill", we are not mentally ill, we have a mental condition, two different subjects.   We do not mind talking about DID as it relates to us individually, as long as the conversations are respectful and non-judgmental.  

I have no problem asking someone, for example, "how did you loose your arm or leg?"  Its a valid question, and I do not want to hear hearsay or gossip or rumors about the limb loss, but at the same time I am respectful of their loss and their story.  I do not mind talking about the DID as long as it is an intelligent responsible and questions stay pretty much generic.  I do not like talking about specific abuse and the details of that abuse...I do not want anyone "feeling sorry for me, or pitying me".  And there is too much morbid curiosity of people wanting to know the nitty gritty details...

I usually tell people if they want to learn more about my life, and why I have alters, to read this blog.  Go online and read medical journals on the condition, see others videos on DID.  DO NOT GO RENT HOLLYWOOD MOVIES such as Sybil, those are fantasy and do sufferers of DID a disservice.

S, Tessa

My Wiccan Holiday Tree

I have always dreaded and hated the holiday season...especially the holidays celebrated by Christians...Easter, Christmas....I only celebrated them because of my kids and grandkids...I hated them, thought it was nothing more than a "money grabbing, what can I get, spend money, and eat" holidays.  So once my kids grew up, I quit even trying to have the holiday season.  When I moved to Virginia, the fucking pressure of the christian holidays went out the window.   

My advocate has a Dallas Cowboy Christmas tree...All the ornaments are DC...so every year he puts up his tree, and it is quite stunning, but he really does not celebrate the holiday in a christian way...so I decided to put up my own special tree...I call it my Wiccan Holiday Tree...it is every thing I love...

 During the day, it is just a small black spindly tree,  but at night it comes alive in eerie beauty!  A friend of mine made me some special ornaments for it, and I have found little ornaments myself:  three black high heel shoes (BDSM) black ballerina (my dancing) a witch on a broom (me) black beads and chains and birds....It is perfect.

We also buy gifts for each other, my advocate and I, but we call them holiday gifts and give one to each other every couple of days leading up to Dec 25...they are mostly silly inexpensive gifts, but some have deep meaning and love...

Christians celebrate Dec 25 as Christ birthday...well we all know that is not the case, he was not born on that date, and I doubt he was ever born at all....christian christmas is propagating a lie....Wiccan-mas propagates love and unity.

S

Reality of Alters

Here is a draw back to having alters.

The day is going good.  I am happy, feel sexy, alive, energetic and in almost no physical pain (headache)...everything about the day is great, almost fucking normal.  Then a conversation comes up, or a video is watched and the alters get upset or disturbed...now all the sudden I am feeling irritated, sad, tired, scared whatever...a great day, shot to shit in the matter of minutes.

The rest of the "good" day, becomes a nightmare of emotional distress.  Gone, is the fun, a possible future sexual encounter, or the rest of my evening...gone is the happiness I was feeling, suddenly replaced by grief in the twinkle of an eye.  Why?  because they, my alters, are always watching or listening.  So, what may not bother me in the least may bother them or one of them horribly...and my day is fucked until my Advocate talks to them and figures out who is upset about what...by then, the day is shot to fucking hell...

This is the worst part of having DID...not being able to control my emotions or thought patterns because it is not just me,  its us. And having a crowded brain is miserable.  

 S

Dreaming Alters

 I wish I knew more about DID.  I have so many questions, questions I don't find answers for while watching Youtube videos or articles on DID.  

Do alters dream?  When I am sleeping, do my alters dream like I dream?

My alter, Sammy, loves to dance.  She loves all dance and she loves music.  She loves moving her body to music....the other night I had a dream about dancing.  I was dancing on roller skates, skating and dancing beautiful ballet type moves...like if I was ice skating.  I have also had dreams of dancing on a stage, and dancing in stores.

Is Sammy dreaming about dancing?  

another time, I dreamed about the "bad man", that he was coming to my advocates house to visit.  In my dream I was scared of him and he was a friend of the advocate...in my dream he scared me.  In reality he is just a drunk, but NOT the bad man...so did Ally dream that dream?  Was it her fear of this man, did she dream the dream.

But, when the alters are fronting I have no memory.  But I remember the dreams...so is it just me dreaming or the alters.

I use to have recurrent dreams of planes crashing, cars crashing, people screaming and running, pandemonium everywhere...is that Ally dreaming of the plane crash she witnessed?  Those dreams have stopped.  Did they stop because Ally is not scared anymore?  So did she stop dreaming?

I don't know who dreams my dreams....I have vivid dreams but then can't remember them in the morning...is that the alters dreaming because of the fact I don't remember?  Or is that me, Sparrow, dreaming?  Isn't it normal to dream vivid dreams but then not remember?  

I dream constantly of Piper.  My little Italian greyhound who died 5-6 yrs ago...I have had countless dogs and cats, but it is Piper I dream about all the time....was one of my alters connected to Piper?  Was Piper Tessa's dog?  Sammy's dog, Ally's dog??  I thought she was mine, but maybe one of my alters felt she was hers??  I miss Piper so much, if I think about her too long I will start crying...I don't miss my other dogs that have passed that much, not like I miss Piper.  Is that intense loss intensified because one of the alters misses her too???

I also have dreams that are prophetic...I have dreamed of future events, and those events come true.  Do my alters know more about the future than I do?  Nobody can predict the future, but so many times my dreams happen...its a weird feeling.   Not major happenings, like a house burns down...but smaller things...Maybe its just coincidence or the universe talking to me...

Days I struggle with depression, I will dream about walking around a cemetery...Ally sought refuge from her abusers in cemeteries...Is that Ally dreaming again???

I wish I knew someone with DID well enough to be able to ask them questions and to "compare notes" so to speak.  My advocate does not like me watching videos or reading articles because he doesn't want my mind influenced at all...people with DID are highly suggestive, so I get why he does not want me reading anything or watching anything with out him.   

I know that my alters can influence my decisions:  for instance, Sammy loves soft pretzels.  She can put the thought of the pretzel in my head...and it will nag at me, until I get and eat one.  Same with meat...Tessa is a meat eater, they all are...and I will get overwhelming desires to eat meat...hamburgers, steak...but I cannot eat meat because of my chronic stomach problems... I found Beyond meat (vegetarian burgers) and it satisfies the desire to have and eat meat.  I believe the alters like it too.

So do alters dream?  That is the question......

S

Hand over mouth

I use to have horrid nightmares, terrors.  I would wake up shaking, crying, my heart beating out of my chest, scared to close my eyes again...in fact they were so horrible, I was given a schizophrenic drug to take at night to "stop" the dreams... 

After learning about my DID, recovered memories, moving to another state, and getting off all drugs (doctor prescribed) and dealing with my fears..I started feeling safe again, and the dreams went away.  

After that fuck Chandler employee came after me, screaming at me, threatening me, spitting on me...the dreams have started coming back.  I feel victimized and used and abused all over again.  How dare he attack me like that...he sought me out...he spewed his venom on me...just like my fuck step father, and numerous other men that have done to me my entire life.  This employee scared me so much, but worse, I think he scared Ally..  

Now, this employee is getting away with hurting me.  Just like all the rest got away with hurting me.   Because I am a small woman, insignificant and unimportant.  He looked down on me, called me gross names, spit on me and kept coming towards me...I had to turn and run...but there was no cemetery for me to run too...no safety...in my dreams I keep running...looking for the cemetery...I can feel his breath on the back of my neck...devil worshipper...slut....he wants to hurt me, punish me...

I am having the hardest time, putting this behind me.  I am so tired of men getting away with hurting me, abusing me, taunting me...once again, my voice has been shut...there is a hand over my mouth...again the man, the business is getting away with a crime.  Because I am nothing....

S,sammy

Is DID bogus?

I have started reading alot of articles on DID.  My advocate, in the beginning, did not want me reading any articles on the condition.  He did not want me confused, and he did not want anyone elses opinion or experience to influence me.  I read an article by some Dr. Lazarus who stated that he has never diagnosed DID and that it is actually a bogus condition.    HUH....

he went on to compare it to the Hollywood movie "Sybil" and to pretty much say, that we are all liars....

I have to say, with that type of close mindedness and doubt, no patient with DID would ever have an alter front for this quack.  So its no wonder he has never seen DID before.   He has no ideal how much trust has to go into a therapist before an Alter will front.  Alters hide.....they do not trust people, after all, it is the people and the extreme abuse from people that created them in the first place.  It takes years of knowing that person, years of therapy, and years of built up trust with a therapist before this happens.   

I have been in and out of therapy my whole life.  I was diagnosed Clinically Depressed.  I was diagnosed Bi-polar at one time, I was diagnosed Schizophrenic at one time, I was even diagnosed possessed by a demon!  ALL FALSE.  

All these years since childhood, I have had memory black outs, woken Up to "what the fuck?"  I have had people come up to me in public saying they saw me the other day...and I have no fucking ideal who they are and I have no memory of where they said they saw me...I get chores done in my home, and have no memory of doing them....I will go shopping, come home and have stuff in my bags I have no memory of buying....I have acute PTSD with a few triggers. 

My family just chalked up my forgetfulness to "thats just mom" she is quirky.  Other people will just say "Oh, I forget stuff all the time, welcome to old age", but the problem is, my forgetfulness is not just old age, I have had lapses in my memories my entire life, even as a child...

I have never had a college educated medical doctor see the DID, much less diagnose it.   It took a man, just watching me....watching the sodalities of my mannerisms, listening to me, my voice inflections, my conversations, observing how I dress from day to day, to see that something was "off" with me.   I finally told him that I might have a demon (Lilly)...I knew about her....since he is not christian, he discarded that announcement and dove deeper.  He listened to me recount certain memories, he researched those memories in the archives of the internet, all my memories, as horrible and far out as they seemed, were all completely true and backed up by factual articles and research.   I have never had a completely wrong memory....they all pan out....

A therapist HAS to watch, and learn the patient....learn what is just the patients quirks, and what is more deeper inside.  They have to learn the personality of the host, before they can see the difference of an alter taking over the host position.  Alters fake the host...they hide...they do not trust, obviously, they would not even exist if trust had not been broken as a small innocent child.   

all these professionals go into a session with pre-conceived ideals, notions and opinions.  They immediately doubt and expect the patient to reveal everything, which will not ever happen.  They do not take the enormous amount of time to get to know the patient...its their word and they make DID patients doubt themselves, hate themselves and even suicidal.

Doctors are pill pushers....here take this pill...fuck that.  Then they huddle in their little doctor meetings laughing about a patient with supposedly DID...Alters can see fakers, unbelievers, doubters, and haters a mile away....

I have to say, yes, maybe some people fake this condition for attention.  Just like people fake all kinds of conditions for attention.  How many of you have called in sick to work, knowing full well you are not sick?  There are liars and manipulators in every aspect of society....stop with the bogus DID rants...If nobody believes in you, believes in your truth, how can DID be helped?  It can't.

Medical professionals are the fucking worse at doubting.  They think all their science and research and books are the real deal and if something does not line up with their science, then it must be bogus right?

wrong.

S, T

Chandler Cement co employee

So it is no secret that I cannot stand christians.  But I do have christians in my family, and some christian friends.  I believe everyone should have a right to believe and worship any way they want.

Yesterday this happened.

I live in an apartment.  Just up the road is a church with a big baseball/soccer field.  The people in the neighborhood use the church grounds to go and hit golf balls, walk their dogs, and let their kids ride their toys in the parking lot.  Lots of business people park their cars there during their lunch hour....the church has no problem with people using their property.   I take my dog there(for three years now) to let him run around and poop.  I ALWAYS PICK UP HIS POOP, I also pick up any trash I see laying around...I believe that we should be good stewards of our land.   I have talked with leaders of the church and they have no problem with me taking my dog there...

yesterday at lunch, I took Boomer to the field to run around.  A CHANDLER company cement truck was parked in the parking lot.  I thought nothing of it.  I parked my car along the side of the drive and me and my dog got out and went deep into the field.   The CHANDLER cement truck started to leave...as it was going by my jeep it stopped and the driver got out and started looking into my jeep.  I started walking towards him, thinking my car was blocking the drive,  he approached me and started talking to me about being on "sacred" ground and devil worshippers were not welcome...blah blah blah...he saw the pentagram sticker on my car, immediately thought it was the satanic Baphomet and assumed I was a fucking devil worshipper there to curse the "sacred" ground....I tried to tell him I was wiccan.  I DID NOT BELIEVE IN THE CHRISTIAN GOD, SATAN, JESUS, LUCIFER THE DEVIL, HELL AND HEAVEN.  So it would be fucking hard to worship the devil.  He did not care, he kept advancing on me screaming I need to get saved and Jesus this and Jesus that....fucking bullshit...

I was alone in the ballfield, so I was not wearing a mask.  This CHANDLER cement driver also was not wearing a mask, and he kept walking closer and closer to me until  I had to start backing up to keep the safe "social distance" from him and him from me..but he kept coming faster towards me yelling his "fanatical christian bullshit".   I started to fear for my life...I turned my back on him and started to run quicker away...he was still screaming at me, but he eventually went back to his CHANDLER cement truck and drove off, honking his horn at me.   

I was so upset...no one has EVER been so blatantly fanatical to me...This man, I am sure was no member of that church.  He was just parking his truck there for his lunch break.  As I left the church, I saw his truck on the road in front of a house...so I jumped out of my car and took a picture of the license plate...the man started yelling at me "take my picture devil worshipper"....SERIOUSLY WHAT A FUCK JOB and right in front of his customer.

of course this upset Tessa, Lilly and Sophee...I was a fucking emotional wreck.  I called my advocate who immediately left his work and came to me.  He called CHANDLER CEMENT COMPANY and talked to the man in charge.  It has been left to the supervisor and HR what will happen to this horrible worker of theirs.  I want this man fired.   Not fined or his wrist slapped, but fucking fired.  I don't want some half ass apology that will mean nothing to the man...

as far as I am concerned he was trying to assault me.  In this current climate of the Covid virus, he could have easily spit his germs on me....assaulting me, fucking attempted murder.   If this fuck wad is not fired, I will lodge a formal complaint to the police department...if I have to I will go after CHANDLER CEMENT COMPANY for distress and emotional upset by an employer of theirs.  I will go to social media and blast the cement company...I will make it my fucking goal to shut the doors of any company that employees religious fanatics that try and push their agenda on innocent bystanders...I was not a customer of Chandler...I did not approach this man...I was minding my own business...he came after me, assaulted me verbally and with his sputum...he was not provoked by me in anyway.

As a wiccan, I believe in "do no harm"....christians don't give a good goddamn who they hurt as long as they get them to "be saved"...and they get money from the deceived idiots who follow them...then pat themselves on the back....

My advocate is suppose to get a call today from the Kevin guy at CHANDLER CEMENT company.  The company is going to tell my advocate how they intend to handle this employee/incident....if it is anything else except him being fired...I will contact the press, social media, and I just may hire a lawyer and sue CHANDLER CEMENT COMPANY for harassments and pain and suffering (emotional)...their employee was definitely harassing me, without provocation or reason.

So I truly hope that Chandler does the right thing and fires this man.

S

 

Music trigger

Isn't it weird how a song, or picture, or smell or taste or whatever can trigger a memory?  I mean you are coasting through the day and then "boom" a song on the radio sends your head into oblivion...

Music and smells are my biggest trigger.  I can't go into a small enclosed area, especially if it smells like mold or something gross like that....the smell of a city bus station, makes me want to vomit.....

The smell of sink drains, makes me want to puke...sink drains?? How fucking weird is that....

Last night, my advocate was over working on his car.  We were in the kitchen eating dinner and a song came on the radio...a song from the late 70's era.  Immediately and out of the fucking blue my head started to buzz and I felt myself drifting away from my body...My advocate went to turn it off, but I said no...I listened to the song, danced to it, sang along with the lyrics, but at the same time I was far far away in my head...I started having trouble focusing on reality, I felt like maybe a memory was trying to form...My advocate grabbed my sensory box and gave me the grapevine, and immediately put on a song that was obnoxious and would replace the weird state I was in....He put in the theme for "Cheers", the TV show.   That worked!  that horrible catchy tune was like heart paddles reviving my mind, snapping me back... 

Lilly did not appear, so I don't know how bad the memory was going to be, and the memory never surfaced...it hovered just out of reach.

I could try and force the memory, by playing that same song again...but without my advocate with me, it might be a bad decision...disassociating is scary and freaky.

My head starts humming, buzzing, I start feeling very light headed, tingly, everything around me suddenly starts moving away from me, backwards and I feel like I am moving and thinking in slow motion...I can't focus on a task...and panic will set in if I don't snap out of it....the full blown panic attack...which usually means when that happens, Sophee has to take over and do what she needs to do to snap me out of it.  Which means she hurts me, refocuses my mind on physical pain.  The reality of acute pain, like smelling salts under a nose to keep from feinting, snaps me back.

But her methods of dealing with me, causes problems.  She cut up my arm a couple of days ago, just superficial cuts that just bled and hurt enough to get my attention...but I had a doctors appointment.  I went to the appointment wearing long sleeves...I had not counted on the doctor wanting blood work.  So at the lab, I only uncovered my arm with no marks....well the lab tech could not get a vein in that arm.  I WAS NOT GOING TO SHOW MY OTHER ARM...CAN YOU IMAGINE TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT AWAY?? so I walked out and canceled the lab work. 

  My advocate called the doctor and explained to her best he could why I left without labs without telling her exactly why...so I have now 6 weeks for my arm to heal so I can get labs done.   

This is one of the awful things I deal with, having alters.  I have lied about my bruises, cuts and burns my whole life, explaining them away.  Everyone around me just assumed I was a clutz and horrible cooker...I joked about it....I have no control when an alter is fronting.  They are in control doing what they have to do to get me through the day.   

I know that the memory I am trying to get, the 70's song, was a favorite of Ronnie.  The guy that ritualistically abused me, who is now locked up in prison for pedophilia.  I have written about his abuse in previous posts...maybe the song just reminds me of him and our time together good and bad....maybe the song sends my head into confusion because Ronnie was good and bad to me,  and my subconscious does not know how to handle both thoughts at once...I don't know....I just fucking don't know.

S 

a perpetual child

I know I should not write most of the stuff I write on this blog.  I use it more for a diary than anything, but with a few people reading it, it is not really a diary but a way to release the words that are crammed into my head...I don't write for comments or to make political statements, I write to relieve the pressure that is constantly bearing down on me..

its the only way I can scream and think I am being heard...I know that I am a fucking head case...I know that I should be more adult and stuff my feelings better, to be mature and all that....but I am not an adult....most of my personalities are children and teenagers...I will always be immature and childish for the rest of my days...even though my body is aged, I think and behave like a childish fucking brat.  I lose my temper easily, I cry and whine and complain all the time, I even play with fucking toys.

A grown ass old fucking woman, playing with dolls and talking and acting like a child....behaving like a child, thinking like a child...stupid fucking alters.  I can't even be a grown up....

I thought my childhood was taken from me, and it was, but so was my adulthood, my old age hood, and my whole entire life.   There is so many conflicting feelings and thoughts and actions inside my head and body, I will never be a whole person.  I will never be an adult.  I am a perpetual child...basically retarded.  A retard.

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and here it comes...

depression rolling in as waves of despair.

I feel my heart,

sinking to the ground,

being stomped on by footprints of loneliness.

One set of prints,

no one carrying me

no jesus, no god,

just footprints of no one.

Always alone

in my journeys, my tiny prints of nothing.

dogged by foot steps of anger, disgust and shame.

My prints are in the sand,

being filled up by tides of crippling sadness

and despair.

prints erased as soon as they are noticed...

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Why does sadness find me?

I try to run and hide,

I try to laugh and smile,

I can't be happy, I have tried.

I have lied, cheated and stole,

trying to find peace, 

from myself.

Only to find war in my brain,

 injury to my heart, and

scar tissue tearing up my soul.

happy sad memory

 So, I do not have many memories of me and my mother laughing and having fun together...but yesterday,  as I was driving, I had a memory...

About 14-15 yrs ago, my daughter got into a car accident and her car was towed to a shop.  She had to borrow my car for school and work and I needed to go and clean out her wrecked car.  I had no way to get there, so I called my mom to ask her if I could borrow her car.  She said she would come get me.  My dad had just gotten her a PT Cruiser standard transmission and she wanted to drive it.  So, mom came and picked me up.  At the garage where the wrecked car was, I was cleaning out her car and found a crack pipe along with her school books and such....I am so glad, I found the pipe, and not the police or garage workers.  (BTW, the pipe was not hers, but a friends, and I believe her, she had some wild friends).  As we were leaving the garage, mom got caught on an incline over railroad tracks and stalled the PT Cruiser.  She restarted the car, put it in first and stalled it again.....I started giggling...she started giggling...and the more we laughed the harder it was for her to get the car off the tracks and into  first gear....the car was bucking and kicking and we were both laughing so hard, we had tears rolling down our faces....

Here we were, two women, stuck on railroad tracks with a crack pipe in our car....so fucking funny....and my mom the preachers wife!  I did not tell her about the pipe I found....she finally got the car out of first and we made it off the tracks before a train or cop found us!!

We giggled about that all the way home.

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while this memory is a happy and fun one, it ended up making me so fucking sad....that is the only time I remember feeling like she loved me...the only time the "past was the past"....I felt guilty for writing all those horrible memories of her.  Does one good day cancel out all the horrible days???  I wish so much that her and I could have been friends...a girl needs her mom...

Maybe another fun memory will surface to make me feel guilty all over again...that day we were laughing so hard together should have been a bonding moment, a time when my mom should have "apologized to me for Ronald and all the fucking abuse I had to endure" or she could have apologized for not being the mother I needed...anything, but she never and has never apologized for a damn thing...

and that is how a happy memory makes me sad....

S