I was hoping that my bouts with depression were becoming fewer and far between. Accepting and integrating my alters, I felt would really help with the chronic depression I get.....maybe it has helped some, but when depression hits, it slams me to the ground and holds me there so I can't get up.
My brain literally freezes up. It cannot think rationally, it cannot make good decisions, it cannot focus. I have a very hard time discerning right from wrong. It feels like one of those horrible dreams where you are trying to run, but your feet won't hardly move...or you are trying to scream but nothing comes out....that is depression. Depression is a wide awake nightmare.
I am starting to learn, I think, what brings on my depression. Consecutive raining days will bring it on. If I lose something and cant find it, the frustration will lead to depression. If I don't get a good nights sleep, that brings it on...If someone says something to me, that I perceive as a diss, or "talking down to me" it can bring on my depression. Certainly certain types of movies can bring it on, as with some music. Basically as a sufferer of chronic clinical depression damn near everything can trigger depression.
I think my depression not only fucks with me, Sparrow, but I think it fucks with the alters as well. I have noticed that when I am really down, Ally does not play as much, Sammy does not dance, and Lilly lurks about.
However, my last bout of "hating myself" stopped short of marking my body...Sophee did not have to hurt me to bring me down...which is a huge plus....I know it sounds beyond ridiculous for me to say, I kept myself from hurting myself...fuck.
I feel my alters have been at war with me, since I was a very small child. One trying to win out over the other, jockeying for position in my brain. Its no wonder I am confused, frustrated, depressed, I am literally a fucking head case.
Look up "head case" in the dictionary and there I am. Sparrow the fucking lunatic freakazoid.
Something else that really fucks with me is when I am making a comment about something, or trying to explain something to someone and they correct me. They immediately try to explain to me how I am wrong or not thinking right. Even sometimes I will be listening to someone and they ask a question...most times I give my answer and then I am ignored or talked over. Being stupid causes people to just placate me or treat me as if my opinion or answer is wrong or flawed in some way. I get the token "pat on the head"
I know that when I am in a funk, I take every damn thing personally. My opinions, thoughts, actions, explanations, reasons, observations etc are basically wrong 95% of the time. It is getting to the point where I am no longer able to make comments. I am learning to once again keep my fat mouth shut. My husband was always talked to me as if I am stupid and need a road map to understand anything or I was a fucking child..
S
ps. just now this happened which is a perfect example of why I stay in a constant state of depression:
I take estrogen. My estrogen is on auto-renewal every three months. For some reason, estrogen got low and I called in the prescription to be refilled (which I never had to do before). I was told, by Walgreens, via text message that they had to contact my doctor first. Okay, so then two days later I get a text from Walgreens saying "your doctor has not responded to our message"...WTF, so my advocate, as always has to be my brain for me, called them. Just now, the nurse called me and told me when she talked to Walgreens , they said I have 4 (3month) refills on the estrogen. The doctor didn't have to call it in.....Listening to the nurse, I felt so fucking stupid...I know she must have been thinking "bless her heart, she is so confused"...I don't understand why it takes my advocate to get things done for me. am I that much a fucking baby??? Even if this was an oversight on Walgreens part, it still makes me feel so stupid and useless, like a pain in the ass for the doctor and pharmacy... I literally do not have a voice....I am embarrassed to go to the doctors, I am embarrassed more and more to even try to fix something or take a stand on something, because I fail...and the advocate has to step in and be my voice...he has to fix everything. Because I am such a stupid dumb fuck that everything I am is broken and needs fixing...
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