The Adderall Diaries

I was scrolling through my Showtime Streaming app on TV and ran across a movie called "The Adderall Diaries" with James Franco.  Well I really like James Franco, my favorite movie of his is "Why Him", he is so funny!  So I decided to watch this movie.  I read the trailer and saw it was a drama about an abusive father, but I decided to watch it anyway.   

James plays a grown man, a writer, and he writes about his past childhood events, covers stories etc....He wrote a book called the Adderall Diaries.   As I was watching this movie, so much in the book is like my life, but in a weird and different way.  There was a scene that did a flashback to James dad hitting him (as a teenager) and slamming him into a full bath tub, holding him under the water to drown him....

(my stepdad holding my dog down on top of me, drowning the dog in the bath tub with me in it too)

Another scene, James and his girlfriend are talking and she reveals that she tried to kill her abusive step father at 16.  She tried to poison him by grinding up pills and putting them into his bottle of scotch.

When I was a little girl, I tried to kill my stepfather by pouring dishwasher soap into his liquor glass. 

Also, James is a mascochist.  He craves pain, and has a "master" give him pain.  Ie...BDSM.

I am also a masochist and crave pain, and I have a master to give me my pain...

The only difference is James had a loving mother, who died, and he did not have DID.  

I have not finished watching this movie...it holds so many triggers for me, that Lilly had to text my advocate and tell him I was watching something I should not be watching, especially alone....So my advocate called me, had me get my sensory box out and got my head back into Sparrows space....

The abusive flashbacks in this movie, are eerily similar to mine...the mean cruel father, the fucked up teenager, drugs, sex...wildness that tails an abused person.   

In this movie, he writes about the abuse

I write about my abuse on this blog and in a notebook...

...the dad disputes what he is writing and it causes everyone to drop James, his publisher, his friends etc...because James wrote his dad was dead (his dad was dead to him...just like my dad was dead to me, and my mother is dead to me, it is a figure of speech) so, people did not believe James when he spoke truths, ugly truths...

This is my fear also, of speaking out, that family friends etc...will not believe me, and they will abandon me...just like what happened to James in the movie...

In the movie, James is plagued by substance abuse, abusing Adderall. ..I have abused drugs on and off my entire life, it is a coping mechanism to not think, feel and to just be able to fucking sleep in peace...drugs do that...they make the pain go away...for awhile...just like BDSM only there, I want the pain...I want to control the pain, to buck up to the pain, to not be afraid of pain, to be brave and strong and not cower, like I did as a small child.  No one can hurt me now, I have worked and am working thru my physical and mental pain....just like James in the movie.

I have not finished watching this movie....I have been instructed that I cannot finish the movie unless my advocate is with me...something in the movie was a huge trigger and I feel like another fuck memory is trying to emerge and I am not mentally ready...for Lilly to come out and contact my advocate, the memory must be a big and bad one...

I really want to finish this movie, but I want to watch it alone.  I don't want the movie to fuck up a night with my advocate, I want to be able to deal with the ending, deal with my memories and go on...how will I ever grow up and be an adult if I can't even watch a show by myself?   My girls have always taken care of me, for fucking 50 yrs, I highly doubt a Hollywood movie is going to fuck me up anymore...

My pain is my own, I don't need to share it with others, they have their own pain...I am a grown ass adult woman, do I still need a babysitter?  I think not.

Ss

PS.  I finished watching the movie.  In the end, the truth of the movie is everyone's memories are different.  The bad things James remembered about his father, his father remembered  differently.  Still bad, but with some sense of reason....James was so caught up in his own memories and issues, he failed to see the issues and memories of his father....their worlds collided and a tentative truce was made (the father was dying and wanted to see James one more time) a dying mans apology.

I never got to hear an apology from my step dad.  I have never heard an apology from my mother.. Now,  do I try and make amends with my mother, before she dies....Is that the right thing to do?  In the movie, James dad called him all kinds of horrible names, said horrible fucking things to him,  my mother did the same to me all my life.  How do you make amends for that??  How do you become an adult, when you are so fucked in the head???  This was James decision too....he ended up writing a book called "The Adderall Diaries", about his life, amending his memories to explain his dads memories as well....

I wonder if my mother, on her death bed, will apologize to me?  Will she own up to how wretched she treated me, the things she said and did to me...I doubt it.  Just like James in saying his father was "dead" to him, I feel like my mother is "dead to me"....and that makes me so fucking sad....

I know that my moms memories will be vastly different than mine...everyone has different takes on situations, the "two sides to every story" bit....

I am okay with that, I think.  I have my truth, and she has hers.