Trip

So next week, my advocate and I are headed on a road trip to New Hampshire, Boston area.  My sister lives there.  I am excited for the trip, but petrified for the visit.

If you have read any of my posts about "abuse from my childhood", the little girl or sister in the "stories" is my sister.   She is aware of the abuse her bio dad did to our mother...but she has no ideal what I went through.   Part of this visit, is to tell her.  Also, she thinks I have "black outs"....we are going to tell her the "black outs" are alters fronting.   She will be the first family member that I come out too...

I am so afraid she will reject me, or call me a liar, or whatever...I don't want her to hate her mom,  and I am certainly not looking forward to telling her to what an extent her bio dad was a monster.  

For people with DID, fear of rejection is overwhelming.  Being called a liar, or exaggerating or whatever is also overwhelming.  I am so scared for the outcome of our visit together.   

My sister and I have always had a love/hate relationship.  We either get along well or we don't get along at all....there is no gray area between us.  Trying to explain to her, Ally, Lilly, Kaos, Sophee, Tessa and Sammy will be an emotional monumental hill I am going to climb....How do you explain to a close family member the 6 other personalities living in my head???  It sounds fantastic in nature, like science fiction..will she believe me?  will she accept the new me?  will she be hurt because of the knowledge she will learn about her bio dad?  

I know that if she listens to me and my advocate, she will remember times in the past where I seemed "off"...she may begin to understand why I did and do the things I do...My sister is very intelligent.  Way more intelligent than me...so I am scared she won't believe me.   I am so glad my advocate is going with me, he will be better able to answer her questions than me...He is very intelligent also.

Telling my sister and her husband, will be the first major step I take in coming clean about my condition.   If it goes well with her, then I will slowly start coming out of the closet, so to speak.  But if she denies me or does not believe it and treats me badly, that will shut me up for good.   It will send me and my girls back into the closet and the door will slam shut.  Will I be able to handle that type of rejection?  I already have a huge "insecurity complex", I never feel good enough, pretty enough, smart enough etc...probably because I never got to fully embrace the person that is Sparrow.  I have had to shuffle my time between all the personalities,  which in my head, are different than Sparrow.  They look different, act different, have different tastes and likes, different needs, different ages, its impossible for me to be self assured when there is so many of me.....so its no wonder I am so insecure and unsure of myself.

My sister embracing me/us will go a long long long way in helping me feel  more comfortable and at ease with my girls.  Her acceptance will help me to accept my DID better.  Right now, I hate the DID, I hate how different it makes me, I hate the memory loss, and the confusion I feel so much...it is so fucking hard to accept and live with.   

So, as next week and our vacation gets closer, my anxiety will increase, but I am hoping the trip is good, and my sister and I can finally become honest with each other and be the "sisters" that I have only dreamed about.  

S