Hiding in plain sight

 So I usually as a rule, do not watch Youtube videos online about DID.  They confuse me...some professionals do not believe in DID so they spout bullshit opinions without the truth.  They piss me the fuck off, I am sure they piss off all the alters.

My advocate is wanting to start a Youtube video on my DID, from a scientific point of view from someone who lives with a person with DID.  I am nervous about this, because DID doesn't make him "look like a fool", but it makes me "look like a fool".  And my fear is a youtube video by him I will be thought of as a fool, faker, liar, whatever...

But at the same time, I want people to know what it is like living with DID...the disbelief, the anger, the depression, the loss of time, the disorientation, the confusion and every other damned thing that comes from having DID.

DID is not fun.  it is not an attention getter.  Most people with DID are never diagnosed or even know that they have it, so there is no faking it to get attention, or using it as an excuse for "bad behavior," to get out of trouble or whatever...

I absolutely cannot switch on my own, meaning I cannot sit back and say to myself "Ally, come on out and play"...I have no control of the alters.  I do know of specific triggers that can make them front, but as a rule, they come and go at their discretion, not mine.  Therefore, I cannot use them to say "not get into trouble, I didn't do it, Sophee did"...They are separate people.  PERIOD, they just all reside inside my brain.   

Growing up, I am sure that everyone probably said "yep that is Sparrow, or my mom, she is quirky"  so we just go along with her...and they never knew my "quirkiness" was actually an alter...Alters are experts at hiding in plain sight.  

The worse part of DID is the time I lose each day.  I can look at a clock and its say, 6:15....then all of the sudden it is 8:15..and I absolutely have no fucking ideal what I did in those 2 hours..

Something else they do, they put blinders on my eyes when they want something.  For example:

My Sammy loves soft pretzels...I went grocery shopping and when I got home and put away the groceries, there were soft pretzels in my bag....I have absolutely no memory of putting those in my cart or buying them...but on the receipt are the pretzels bought and paid for.  Sammy wanted them...My other alters have done this as well with different items.  

They also leave comments on my dry erase board.  They all have their own color of marker, so I know who is leaving what...sometimes I don't see their comments even though I am standing right there...my advocate will point them out to me, then I see them...it is truly bizarre how they "hide" things in plain sight.

I loose things, items, all the time...they just fucking disappear and it makes me so frustrated to not find things that I know should be here...but I am finding out that some of the alters move things or place items in other spots...not to fuck with me...spots that my OCD will not comprehend...Tessa does this...she is reading my chore lists and I guess there are times she doesn't know a designated spot and she places stuff in places they don't belong...then I think they are gone....lost or stolen...until I randomly find them or my advocate asks tessa where it is, if she is fronting..

Having DID is so hard....because it is you, but not really you....in my case it is 7 of me....all ages and sizes, all female, but all different than the other and different from me, sparrow.

DID is very aggravating and confusing.  This is not a fucking "condition" I would pick to get attention...its embarrassing and complicated and mostly poop pooped on in society....it makes me appear to be a fucking idiot...who would want that?????

S