entertainment

I watched a DID video last night.  The woman in the video was captured in many of her alters.  Watching her switch and become someone else, really got to me.  I was sitting there watching a grown woman all the sudden become a little girl, little girl voice, little girl actions...and to anyone watching, it looks absurd, ridiculous and would be good fodder for a comedy routine.  

This is me, this is how I look when my little girl is out.  when Ally is out I am a grown ass old woman, acting and behaving like a child.  I have no ideal how stupid I look to the rest of the world, because in my world I am a little kid.  But I do look ridiculous.

My advocate wanted to send the Youtube video to my sister, to help her to try and understand.  NO FUCKING WAY.  She already thinks the worst of me, don't need to give her a visual.  She does know I have DID...if she is interested to learn more, she can go to the internet and read about it.  

Even though the woman in the video is not me, that every DID case is different, so much of the video is me......so familiar....her abuse, so familiar, her story even though different from mine, is just like mine.

I felt so bad for this woman, I hated what she went through as a child.  The video stated that DID is a rare condition...well, it is not as rare as one may think.

My entire life, even without people knowing I have DID, I have been talken down too, dismissed, ridiculed and never taken seriously.  I have been manipulated and used.   So many times I have asked questions, made suggestions, spoke my feelings on a subject, only to be given lip service and dismissed.  After all, I am not smart enough to give opinions or voice displeasure or whatever.

Imagine how I would be treated if it was common knowledge I have alters.....NO one would be listening to me for my knowledge, they will only be watching me to "see who is talking, or if I will flip  out and become someone else"...that is what DID sufferers have to deal with...people only being around for the "side circus show"...

Imagine this conversation:

Person:  I think I want tacos tonight.

Me:  I want soup

Person:  okay, which of you wants soup?

If I disagree or have an answer that contradicts or does not agree with someone or something, then people will just figure I am some other alter and I will be dismissed.  I would never be taken seriously again...

Can you even imagine the jokes I would be the subject of?  I literally would be the butt of all jokes...maybe not to my face, but certainly behind my back.  In a group setting, like a family setting, I would be the "elephant in the room" everyone would walk on eggshells around me...be careful what you say, you might trigger an alter...everyone would be intently watching me out of the corner of their eyes to see if I become someone else....LET THE ENTERTAINMENT BEGIN...

This is not a life...this is not living....having DID is a fucking nightmare.

S,T,s