A bleak future

 I have begun to notice something...for the past year, certainly the past 6 months,  my life is changing again.  Maybe it is because I am getting older or maybe it is because the "alters" have more and more free reign with me.  What I like or enjoy, me, Sparrow...is not necessarily what they like or enjoy, and what I love is slowly fading into the woodwork.

they are more and more influencing what I eat, how I think, what I do, how I dress, etc...and I am not sure that I like it.  I am not sure of this integration process..

I feel I am losing myself again.  It is starting to make me feel like "who the fuck am I"....

In the beginning, I was very much into BDSM, now the virus, and the alters are changing that.  I can't take the "pain" as well, and my partner is losing interest in it too.  I know that situationally it has been more difficult to have "playtime"... but I can't help wondering if my love for BDSM and the lifestyle is going away because the alters don't like it and it is getting boring to my partner.

where I use to feel sexy and beautiful, I now feel old and ugly.  When I look in a mirror, I see sparrow...but when my alters look in a mirror they see themselves and they are all different in looks in their eyes....maybe this causes me unconsciously to view myself as distorted or a monster...all I see anymore are the "faults" and imperfections of age.....ha, probably normal...all my alters are young, the oldest being in her 30's, but all at the age where their bodies and minds are still beautiful.  Sparrow is damn near 60...old and used up.

I am really scared for 5 yrs from now....I am scared to get old...my alters are young and vibrant and always will be ....but I really don't feel worth much at all, not anymore and I am aging, time does not stand still for me.

I wonder how my life will change again...I know I will end up lonely and alone...and I know my family will be like "well, she deserves to be lonely or alone, she is the one who left us"...and they are probably right.  

I do know one thing, if I ever get to the point in my life where I am sexless, old and decrepit, I will end my life and the alters be damned. I will not be one of those old ladies who sit around in a chair and take meds all day...I refuse to become a burden for anyone.  I refuse to be garbage taking up space.  I am already irrelevant to my family, and I will not be a burden on the government or a care taker.

I feel like I am finally young, happy and alive...finally enjoying my life and my love, until I look in a mirror and see an old woman looking back at me...then realization hits me...I am a senior adult, I am old and boring and useless.

Time is my enemy.  I lost all of my childhood, my teenager hood was riddled with ritualistic abuse, my marriage was one of convenience to have children, I was in a loveless marriage for 34 yrs, not happy...now I am finally getting to live and have a life and I am an old fucking lady....LIFE robbed me of LIVING...

I really have nothing important to add to living.  My advocate wants to do a Youtube video essay on DID, using me as a guide....I think that is a great ideal because so many people have this condition and their caregivers have no clue or do not understand...but, again, this is the advocate making a difference in society, educating others.  He matters....I am just the muse....my alters do not make a difference to me...I don't know them, I don't control them, hell, I don't even really like them...

I just feel beat up all the time....maybe it is time to throw out all my sexy clothing, and toys and just be an old lady...My mind may be all kinds of young ages, but my body is old, fat, and wrinkled with time...

I wish I could see into the future...because my future seems bleak.

S