urine soaked clothes

Once there were two little girls.  They each had different fathers, but they both lived with their mother.  One of the fathers was only known as an "uncle" to the one of the little girls.  The other little girls father was a drunk monster.  The "uncle" was sober, loving and fun...

One day the "uncle" came to visit the little girl.  How odd that this uncle would only take one of the girls for soda's or rides in his car or to see other adults.  The other little girl could not go with the "uncle".

 The uncle came one day, took one of the little girls and left for a fun day....when the little girl returned later, all her clothes were thrown on the floor.  Her bed was unmade and sloppy, and the other little girl had drawn with marker all over her dolls face.  She knew if the father saw this mess, she would be in all kinds of trouble.  She also knew that her sister messed everything up because she had to stay and the other got to go.  So the little girl frantically was trying to clean up, when her bedroom door opened and in walked the father.

He was angry....the other little girl told him that she had thrown all her stuff on the floor and was being mean.   Which was not true, just the opposite....but the little girl said nothing.  The father grabbed her by the arm and sat her on the bed.  He began picking up all the clothes and throwing them in a pile...he found the doll with marker on her face and ripped its head off and threw it on the pile.  This was her baby doll, her soft baby that her uncle gave her.  She was so sad, that she started crying....but she knew her Chrissy was safe, as she was placed in a boot in the closet, even the other little girl did not know where the doll was, but her little baby doll was dead.  After everything was piled up, the father proceeded to urinate all over the clothes and decapitated doll....He then told the girl to fold up all the soiled clothes and put them back in the dresser, unwashed and to not tell her mother.  He wanted her to wear clothes that would smell like urine....

She did not know that the "uncle" was actually her father.....but she never questioned why she got to go places with him, but not the little sister.  She was just happy to get away....even for a short time....

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I got up this morning from bed, and saw a pile of clothes on the floor (for laundry) and it triggered this memory.   There have been piles of clothes on the floor that never triggered this memory....I do not know why this morning the memory came.   I do know that I had a restless sleep, up and down all night, and looking out this morning I saw fog, thick fog...maybe the fog and pile of clothes caused the memory...I don't know....I don't know which alter gave me the memory....

S, sammy

feelings times 7

Hmmm, so I have been wondering about something.  I believe that I have even discussed this with my advocate.  

I have 6 alters, 7 if you count Sparrow as an alter...each girl have their own likes, desires, wants and needs...

I have always been a really passionate person.  If I love, I love with all I have, if I don't like or hate, I hate with a passion.  There is no grey area with me, it is either black or white.

So here is my question:  Do I feel "more intently" because there are other personalities inside my head?  I mean, I hate onions, but I hate them so much maybe one of my others hates onions too, so there is double the hate....

I love sex,  I can go all night, have multiple orgasm and become so intense in the coupling....I am wondering if my desire for sex is heightened by the fact that 3 of my other alters loves sex too.  Four times the desire....

 If I am sad, I can be so sad that I become suicidal or distraught...If my other girls are sad, that affects me and makes me sadder...sometimes I am so sad and I don't even know why.

Having alters have "heightened" my senses and emotions...I am hyper sensitive because there are 7 personalities living inside me..I feel their pain, happiness, sadness, desires etc...I don't see them or talk to them, but I can feel them.

I feel when Ally wants to front...I feel a giggle deep in my chest...that is indication of Ally.  Every once in awhile I can see myself playing with dolls, I can see ally, but it is as if I am looking through a very long skinny tube and all sound is a mumbling. I cannot make out what she is saying...

I feel Sophee when I am very frustrated or angry with myself, I feel my fist clenching and anger/rage deep in my chest...I feel irritated and unsettled...I don't see her or talk to her or hear her...

I know when Lilly is around, because my head will start pounding and I can see a "silhouette" of her form just over and behind my right shoulder, just out of my line of vision...I can't describe her, but I get of sense of her watching me...I don't talk to her, she does not talk to me.

Can you imagine what it must be like to be scared of someone or something but not know why?  Because one of the others is scared, I will feel fear...and not know why...

I use to think (way back before I was aware I had alters) that I might be bi-polar, simply because my emotions are so "over the top" at times...extremely happy and energetic/sad, depressed, suicidal....now I know that when my "emotions are over the top" it is most likely because one or more alters are feeling what I am feeling too...3x the emotions.....

This knowledge is a relief to me...I am not mentally ill, I am not manic depressive...I have a mental condition...I feel times 7!

S.T

A bleak future

 I have begun to notice something...for the past year, certainly the past 6 months,  my life is changing again.  Maybe it is because I am getting older or maybe it is because the "alters" have more and more free reign with me.  What I like or enjoy, me, Sparrow...is not necessarily what they like or enjoy, and what I love is slowly fading into the woodwork.

they are more and more influencing what I eat, how I think, what I do, how I dress, etc...and I am not sure that I like it.  I am not sure of this integration process..

I feel I am losing myself again.  It is starting to make me feel like "who the fuck am I"....

In the beginning, I was very much into BDSM, now the virus, and the alters are changing that.  I can't take the "pain" as well, and my partner is losing interest in it too.  I know that situationally it has been more difficult to have "playtime"... but I can't help wondering if my love for BDSM and the lifestyle is going away because the alters don't like it and it is getting boring to my partner.

where I use to feel sexy and beautiful, I now feel old and ugly.  When I look in a mirror, I see sparrow...but when my alters look in a mirror they see themselves and they are all different in looks in their eyes....maybe this causes me unconsciously to view myself as distorted or a monster...all I see anymore are the "faults" and imperfections of age.....ha, probably normal...all my alters are young, the oldest being in her 30's, but all at the age where their bodies and minds are still beautiful.  Sparrow is damn near 60...old and used up.

I am really scared for 5 yrs from now....I am scared to get old...my alters are young and vibrant and always will be ....but I really don't feel worth much at all, not anymore and I am aging, time does not stand still for me.

I wonder how my life will change again...I know I will end up lonely and alone...and I know my family will be like "well, she deserves to be lonely or alone, she is the one who left us"...and they are probably right.  

I do know one thing, if I ever get to the point in my life where I am sexless, old and decrepit, I will end my life and the alters be damned. I will not be one of those old ladies who sit around in a chair and take meds all day...I refuse to become a burden for anyone.  I refuse to be garbage taking up space.  I am already irrelevant to my family, and I will not be a burden on the government or a care taker.

I feel like I am finally young, happy and alive...finally enjoying my life and my love, until I look in a mirror and see an old woman looking back at me...then realization hits me...I am a senior adult, I am old and boring and useless.

Time is my enemy.  I lost all of my childhood, my teenager hood was riddled with ritualistic abuse, my marriage was one of convenience to have children, I was in a loveless marriage for 34 yrs, not happy...now I am finally getting to live and have a life and I am an old fucking lady....LIFE robbed me of LIVING...

I really have nothing important to add to living.  My advocate wants to do a Youtube video essay on DID, using me as a guide....I think that is a great ideal because so many people have this condition and their caregivers have no clue or do not understand...but, again, this is the advocate making a difference in society, educating others.  He matters....I am just the muse....my alters do not make a difference to me...I don't know them, I don't control them, hell, I don't even really like them...

I just feel beat up all the time....maybe it is time to throw out all my sexy clothing, and toys and just be an old lady...My mind may be all kinds of young ages, but my body is old, fat, and wrinkled with time...

I wish I could see into the future...because my future seems bleak.

S

Hiding in plain sight

 So I usually as a rule, do not watch Youtube videos online about DID.  They confuse me...some professionals do not believe in DID so they spout bullshit opinions without the truth.  They piss me the fuck off, I am sure they piss off all the alters.

My advocate is wanting to start a Youtube video on my DID, from a scientific point of view from someone who lives with a person with DID.  I am nervous about this, because DID doesn't make him "look like a fool", but it makes me "look like a fool".  And my fear is a youtube video by him I will be thought of as a fool, faker, liar, whatever...

But at the same time, I want people to know what it is like living with DID...the disbelief, the anger, the depression, the loss of time, the disorientation, the confusion and every other damned thing that comes from having DID.

DID is not fun.  it is not an attention getter.  Most people with DID are never diagnosed or even know that they have it, so there is no faking it to get attention, or using it as an excuse for "bad behavior," to get out of trouble or whatever...

I absolutely cannot switch on my own, meaning I cannot sit back and say to myself "Ally, come on out and play"...I have no control of the alters.  I do know of specific triggers that can make them front, but as a rule, they come and go at their discretion, not mine.  Therefore, I cannot use them to say "not get into trouble, I didn't do it, Sophee did"...They are separate people.  PERIOD, they just all reside inside my brain.   

Growing up, I am sure that everyone probably said "yep that is Sparrow, or my mom, she is quirky"  so we just go along with her...and they never knew my "quirkiness" was actually an alter...Alters are experts at hiding in plain sight.  

The worse part of DID is the time I lose each day.  I can look at a clock and its say, 6:15....then all of the sudden it is 8:15..and I absolutely have no fucking ideal what I did in those 2 hours..

Something else they do, they put blinders on my eyes when they want something.  For example:

My Sammy loves soft pretzels...I went grocery shopping and when I got home and put away the groceries, there were soft pretzels in my bag....I have absolutely no memory of putting those in my cart or buying them...but on the receipt are the pretzels bought and paid for.  Sammy wanted them...My other alters have done this as well with different items.  

They also leave comments on my dry erase board.  They all have their own color of marker, so I know who is leaving what...sometimes I don't see their comments even though I am standing right there...my advocate will point them out to me, then I see them...it is truly bizarre how they "hide" things in plain sight.

I loose things, items, all the time...they just fucking disappear and it makes me so frustrated to not find things that I know should be here...but I am finding out that some of the alters move things or place items in other spots...not to fuck with me...spots that my OCD will not comprehend...Tessa does this...she is reading my chore lists and I guess there are times she doesn't know a designated spot and she places stuff in places they don't belong...then I think they are gone....lost or stolen...until I randomly find them or my advocate asks tessa where it is, if she is fronting..

Having DID is so hard....because it is you, but not really you....in my case it is 7 of me....all ages and sizes, all female, but all different than the other and different from me, sparrow.

DID is very aggravating and confusing.  This is not a fucking "condition" I would pick to get attention...its embarrassing and complicated and mostly poop pooped on in society....it makes me appear to be a fucking idiot...who would want that?????

S

entertainment

I watched a DID video last night.  The woman in the video was captured in many of her alters.  Watching her switch and become someone else, really got to me.  I was sitting there watching a grown woman all the sudden become a little girl, little girl voice, little girl actions...and to anyone watching, it looks absurd, ridiculous and would be good fodder for a comedy routine.  

This is me, this is how I look when my little girl is out.  when Ally is out I am a grown ass old woman, acting and behaving like a child.  I have no ideal how stupid I look to the rest of the world, because in my world I am a little kid.  But I do look ridiculous.

My advocate wanted to send the Youtube video to my sister, to help her to try and understand.  NO FUCKING WAY.  She already thinks the worst of me, don't need to give her a visual.  She does know I have DID...if she is interested to learn more, she can go to the internet and read about it.  

Even though the woman in the video is not me, that every DID case is different, so much of the video is me......so familiar....her abuse, so familiar, her story even though different from mine, is just like mine.

I felt so bad for this woman, I hated what she went through as a child.  The video stated that DID is a rare condition...well, it is not as rare as one may think.

My entire life, even without people knowing I have DID, I have been talken down too, dismissed, ridiculed and never taken seriously.  I have been manipulated and used.   So many times I have asked questions, made suggestions, spoke my feelings on a subject, only to be given lip service and dismissed.  After all, I am not smart enough to give opinions or voice displeasure or whatever.

Imagine how I would be treated if it was common knowledge I have alters.....NO one would be listening to me for my knowledge, they will only be watching me to "see who is talking, or if I will flip  out and become someone else"...that is what DID sufferers have to deal with...people only being around for the "side circus show"...

Imagine this conversation:

Person:  I think I want tacos tonight.

Me:  I want soup

Person:  okay, which of you wants soup?

If I disagree or have an answer that contradicts or does not agree with someone or something, then people will just figure I am some other alter and I will be dismissed.  I would never be taken seriously again...

Can you even imagine the jokes I would be the subject of?  I literally would be the butt of all jokes...maybe not to my face, but certainly behind my back.  In a group setting, like a family setting, I would be the "elephant in the room" everyone would walk on eggshells around me...be careful what you say, you might trigger an alter...everyone would be intently watching me out of the corner of their eyes to see if I become someone else....LET THE ENTERTAINMENT BEGIN...

This is not a life...this is not living....having DID is a fucking nightmare.

S,T,s

Tessa was right..

My advocate and i took a trip up to the New England states for 9 days.  I wanted to see my sister and tell her about my DID.  She was going to be the marker for me if I should reveal my condition to family.  I was pretty sure she would not understand nor accept.  And I was right.  She felt the need to berate me on my power of attorney choice, and my choice to not attend gage funeral.  that night I basically blurted out my condition because of how she was treating me and talking to me.  She accused my advocate of trying to control me.  She was furious that he was the power of attorney...some how in her head, she thinks that he is controlling me, making my decisions and stealing my money.  

she could not be more wrong.   He does NONE of those things.  He helps me make good decisions, whatever I want to buy or want to do, he makes happen.  He takes care of me like  no one ever did.

my sister even compared him to John...which is hilarious because my advocate is NOTHING like john.  He has my best interest at heart, my husband only had himself and god as his best interest.

After I told her and her husband about the DID, things just went downhill.  We had plans the next morning to go into Boston.  well, my sister nixed those plans by getting drunk the night before and having a hangover...so we went without them.  Then we were going to go to her house for dinner, to talk more, and she informed me it was too late for her hubby...okay, I can certainly take a hint.  She wants nothing to do with me.

Fine.  we offered for her to come to the hotel to talk, but she said "no, I don't feel safe there"....she is fucking afraid of Kevin!  what a fucking crock...she just was avoiding me and my condition.

now she says she will come up after the new year to see me and talk more.  WELL I KNOW THAT AINT HAPPENING...

This is exactly why DID is not talked about or understood.  FAMILY

this latest dust up with my sister proves to me that her love for me is only lip service.  We never really had a close sister ship to begin with and this just proves she is basically only a sister in name.

I spent my entire childhood protecting her from the monster that was her bio dad...of course she has no memory of that, but it is true.

and I would do it all over again too, despite how she treats me and talks down to me, criticizes me, and hates my decisions.  No child should have to endure pure evil....I shielded her from that.

My sister makes no mistakes, her opinions are all that matter.  her understanding of something is all that matters, and she knows everything....she has always been this way.  very controlling, domineering and viscous with her words and speech. (no wonder her husband works all the time and has a thousand home projects, it keeps him busy and away from her mouth)

but I was ever so hopeful that this would not be the case with her this time, this visit.  but it was.

If she wants to learn more about DID, then she can study it online.  I am not going to subject myself to her verbal abuse again.

I am done feeling like a fucking idiot and fool around her.  Her actions speak volumes about her character.  This is the last time I will be burned by my sister, the last time I will let her words upset me.

My alters don't like her either, in fact, Tessa did not want me to mention it at all to her (she told the advocate that) because of this very situation.  she knew it would fuck me up, sparrow.  and she was right...she was trying to protect me like she always does...I should have listened to her...I should have listened to Tessa.

We are leaving New England today.  I am glad...we are safe and protected in VA, but under attack every where else.

S

DID vs Schizophrenia

 I would like to address the difference between Schizophrenia and DID.

With Schizophrenia, a person hears voices in their heads.  They hear and see what is not there. there can be many voices and faces the person with schizo hears or sees. IE.."A Beautiful Mind" the movie with Russell Crowe.  The condition can be brought under control with drugs, and therapy.  Schizophrenia is a mental illness.

DID, Disassociate Identity Disorder. DID is a mental condition. With many separate personalities living inside...with DID, I do not hear them, I do not see them,  when they front, I have no ideal.  I do not talk to them, and they do not talk to me (ie voices in my head) They are completely different identities.  I lose time when they are out...they never come out as a group.  It is always one at a time.  DID is a condition that cannot be fixed.  There is no medication to stop it.  You can do therapy, but that is to learn to accept and try and integrated them into your life.  To live in harmony with them.  DID, once there, is always there.  

Schizophrenia is a mental condition that a person has they wore born with, or inherited from relative. It is organic. It is not brought on by trauma.  Certainly trauma can acerbate this condition, but it is not the root cause.

DID is a condition brought on by physical abuse or trauma of some sort experienced as a small child.  A person is not born with DID.  DID is man made by fuck assholes who hurt children beyond what their little forming minds can handle.  The root cause is extreme physical and mental abuse to a child.

A person with DID, can not have a conversation with an alter, schitzos talk to and interact with the voices or visions.  When an alternate personality is out, the host body becomes that person.  Schitzos are still themselves, just with other "entities" interacting.  DID patients do not interact with their alters...I do not have running conversations in my head with the alters.  When an alter is out, my complete mind is the one fronting.

Schizophrenics' do not have triggers...the voices come and go at will depending on the medication.  DID has triggers that will bring out an alter, and no medications can control that.

I am certainly no fucking doctor, but I think I described the differences pretty good.

I am not schizophrenic.  I do not have a mental illness.  

I have DID.  I have a mental condition.

A mental illness can be treated with medications.  A mental condition cannot be treated with meds, you learn to live with it.

A broken arm can be treated...set and cast..and will heal.  A deformed arm cannot be treated...set or cast...you learn to live with it.  to adapt...DID, you adapt...

S

a movement of haste

woke up to fog...

fog in the trees

fog hiding the ground

fog all around me

fog in my head

fog in my eyes

fog blanketing my cries...

whats out there, who is out there 

fog...

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My memories are foggy

they only remember a haze

a quick motion, through the brain

a movement of haste

a desperate attempt to hide

the monsters that dream

memories are liars

manipulated by the fog

not clear enough to see

but clear enough to bleed. 

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The State of my mind

I was hoping that my bouts with depression were becoming fewer and far between.  Accepting and integrating my alters, I felt would really help with the chronic depression I get.....maybe it has helped some, but when depression hits, it slams me to the ground and holds me there so I can't get up.  

My brain literally freezes up.  It cannot think rationally, it cannot make good decisions, it cannot focus.   I have a very hard time discerning right from wrong.  It feels like one of those horrible dreams where you are trying to run, but your feet won't hardly move...or you are trying to scream but nothing comes out....that is depression.  Depression is a wide awake nightmare.

I am starting to learn, I think, what brings on my depression.  Consecutive raining days will bring it on.   If I lose something and cant find it, the frustration will lead to depression.   If I don't get a good nights sleep, that brings it on...If someone says something to me, that I perceive as a diss, or "talking down to me" it can bring on my depression.  Certainly certain types of movies can bring it on, as with some music.   Basically as a sufferer of chronic clinical depression damn near everything can trigger depression.

I think my depression not only fucks with me, Sparrow, but I think it fucks with the alters as well.  I have noticed that when I am really down, Ally does not play as much, Sammy does not dance, and Lilly lurks about.  

However, my last bout of "hating myself" stopped short of marking my body...Sophee did not have to hurt me to bring me down...which is a huge plus....I know it sounds beyond ridiculous for me to say, I kept myself from hurting myself...fuck.  

I feel my alters have been at war with me, since I was a very small child.  One trying to win out over the other, jockeying for position in my brain.  Its no wonder I am confused, frustrated, depressed, I am literally a fucking head case.

Look up "head case" in the dictionary and there I am.  Sparrow the fucking lunatic freakazoid.

Something else that really fucks with me is when I am making a comment about something, or trying to explain something to someone and they correct me.  They immediately try to explain to me how I am wrong or not thinking right.  Even sometimes I will be listening to someone and they ask a question...most times I give my answer and then I am ignored or talked over.  Being stupid causes people to just placate me or treat me as if my opinion or answer is wrong or flawed in some way.  I get the token "pat on the head"

I know that when I am in a funk, I take every damn thing personally.  My opinions, thoughts, actions, explanations, reasons, observations etc are basically wrong 95% of the time.  It is getting to the point where I am no longer able to make comments.  I am learning to once again keep my fat mouth shut.  My husband was always talked to me as if I am stupid and need a road map to understand anything or I was a fucking child..  

S

ps.  just now this happened which is a perfect example of why I stay in a constant state of depression:

I take estrogen.  My estrogen is on auto-renewal every three months.  For some reason,  estrogen got low and I called in the prescription to be refilled (which I never had to do before).  I was told, by Walgreens, via text message that they had to contact my doctor first.  Okay, so then two days later I get a text from Walgreens saying "your doctor has not responded to our message"...WTF, so my advocate, as always has to be my brain for me, called them.  Just now, the nurse called me and told me when she talked to Walgreens , they said I have 4 (3month) refills on the estrogen.  The doctor didn't have to call it in.....Listening to the nurse, I felt so fucking stupid...I know she must have been thinking "bless her heart, she is so confused"...I don't understand why it takes my advocate to get things done for me.  am I that much a fucking baby???  Even if this was an oversight on Walgreens part, it still makes me feel so stupid and useless, like a pain in the ass for the doctor and pharmacy...  I literally do not have a voice....I am embarrassed to go to the doctors, I am embarrassed more and more to even try to fix something or take a stand on something, because I fail...and the advocate has to step in and be my voice...he has to fix everything.  Because I am such a stupid dumb fuck that everything I am is broken and needs fixing...

WORTHLESS

I AM A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.  i CANNOT STAND MYSELF, HOW CAN OTHERS STAND ME IF I CANT STAND MYSELF??

 I HAVE FUCKING SHIT FOR BRAINS, I CAN'T REMEMBER SHIT, I LOOSE EVERYTHING, EVERY GODDAMN THING, NO MATTER HOW FUCKING HARD I TRY AND BE ORGANIZED, TO HAVE A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING IN MY APARTMENT, IT IS TO  NO FUCKING AVAIL.....WHY THE HELL BOTHER TRYING TO HAVE A DECENT FUCKING LIFE.

I AM A NIGHTMARE, I FUCKING SHIT ALL OVER ANYBODY WHO TRIES TO HELP....I CANNOT BE HELPED, THESE FUCKING ALTERS, MY FUCKING TUMORS EVERY GODDAMN THING ABOUT ME IS WORKING AGAISNT ME TO DRIVE ME FUCKING INSANE, TO DOUBT MYSELF, TO HATE MYSELF, TO KILL MYSELF.

I AM SHIT...I STINK LIKE SHIT...I FEEL LIKE SHIT...MY HEART IS SHIT....MY BRAIN IS SHIT, MAGGOT INVESTED WORMY FUCKING DOG SHIT.

I FAIL AT EVERYTHING, MY MARRIAGE, MY KIDS, MY LIFE, I AM ONE BIG FUCKING FAILURE...MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT...I SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN BORN, SHE SHOULD HAVE ABORTED ME, SHE WAS CORRECT IN CALLING ME STUPID...I AM STUPID, A STUPID FOOL.

WHY DO I GET SO FUCKING UPSET WHEN I CAN'T FIND SOMETHING?  SO WHAT,  SO WHAT IS THIS...IF I CAN'T FIND EVEN THE SIMPLIEST OF THINGS, IF I CANT DO EVEN THE SIMPLIEST OF TASKS, THAT TRANSLATES TO A FUCKED UP DEFORMED SICK DISGUSTING PIECE OF HUMAN FLESH....THAT IS ME.  WORTHLESS, STUPID, I DESERVE TO BE BEAT TO A PULP AND THROWN IN THE DITCH.  MAYBE THE DITCH IS WHERE I WILL FIND ALL THE FUCKING THINGS I HAVE LOST...A CESS POOL OF FUCKING SHIT.

The Adderall Diaries

I was scrolling through my Showtime Streaming app on TV and ran across a movie called "The Adderall Diaries" with James Franco.  Well I really like James Franco, my favorite movie of his is "Why Him", he is so funny!  So I decided to watch this movie.  I read the trailer and saw it was a drama about an abusive father, but I decided to watch it anyway.   

James plays a grown man, a writer, and he writes about his past childhood events, covers stories etc....He wrote a book called the Adderall Diaries.   As I was watching this movie, so much in the book is like my life, but in a weird and different way.  There was a scene that did a flashback to James dad hitting him (as a teenager) and slamming him into a full bath tub, holding him under the water to drown him....

(my stepdad holding my dog down on top of me, drowning the dog in the bath tub with me in it too)

Another scene, James and his girlfriend are talking and she reveals that she tried to kill her abusive step father at 16.  She tried to poison him by grinding up pills and putting them into his bottle of scotch.

When I was a little girl, I tried to kill my stepfather by pouring dishwasher soap into his liquor glass. 

Also, James is a mascochist.  He craves pain, and has a "master" give him pain.  Ie...BDSM.

I am also a masochist and crave pain, and I have a master to give me my pain...

The only difference is James had a loving mother, who died, and he did not have DID.  

I have not finished watching this movie...it holds so many triggers for me, that Lilly had to text my advocate and tell him I was watching something I should not be watching, especially alone....So my advocate called me, had me get my sensory box out and got my head back into Sparrows space....

The abusive flashbacks in this movie, are eerily similar to mine...the mean cruel father, the fucked up teenager, drugs, sex...wildness that tails an abused person.   

In this movie, he writes about the abuse

I write about my abuse on this blog and in a notebook...

...the dad disputes what he is writing and it causes everyone to drop James, his publisher, his friends etc...because James wrote his dad was dead (his dad was dead to him...just like my dad was dead to me, and my mother is dead to me, it is a figure of speech) so, people did not believe James when he spoke truths, ugly truths...

This is my fear also, of speaking out, that family friends etc...will not believe me, and they will abandon me...just like what happened to James in the movie...

In the movie, James is plagued by substance abuse, abusing Adderall. ..I have abused drugs on and off my entire life, it is a coping mechanism to not think, feel and to just be able to fucking sleep in peace...drugs do that...they make the pain go away...for awhile...just like BDSM only there, I want the pain...I want to control the pain, to buck up to the pain, to not be afraid of pain, to be brave and strong and not cower, like I did as a small child.  No one can hurt me now, I have worked and am working thru my physical and mental pain....just like James in the movie.

I have not finished watching this movie....I have been instructed that I cannot finish the movie unless my advocate is with me...something in the movie was a huge trigger and I feel like another fuck memory is trying to emerge and I am not mentally ready...for Lilly to come out and contact my advocate, the memory must be a big and bad one...

I really want to finish this movie, but I want to watch it alone.  I don't want the movie to fuck up a night with my advocate, I want to be able to deal with the ending, deal with my memories and go on...how will I ever grow up and be an adult if I can't even watch a show by myself?   My girls have always taken care of me, for fucking 50 yrs, I highly doubt a Hollywood movie is going to fuck me up anymore...

My pain is my own, I don't need to share it with others, they have their own pain...I am a grown ass adult woman, do I still need a babysitter?  I think not.

Ss

PS.  I finished watching the movie.  In the end, the truth of the movie is everyone's memories are different.  The bad things James remembered about his father, his father remembered  differently.  Still bad, but with some sense of reason....James was so caught up in his own memories and issues, he failed to see the issues and memories of his father....their worlds collided and a tentative truce was made (the father was dying and wanted to see James one more time) a dying mans apology.

I never got to hear an apology from my step dad.  I have never heard an apology from my mother.. Now,  do I try and make amends with my mother, before she dies....Is that the right thing to do?  In the movie, James dad called him all kinds of horrible names, said horrible fucking things to him,  my mother did the same to me all my life.  How do you make amends for that??  How do you become an adult, when you are so fucked in the head???  This was James decision too....he ended up writing a book called "The Adderall Diaries", about his life, amending his memories to explain his dads memories as well....

I wonder if my mother, on her death bed, will apologize to me?  Will she own up to how wretched she treated me, the things she said and did to me...I doubt it.  Just like James in saying his father was "dead" to him, I feel like my mother is "dead to me"....and that makes me so fucking sad....

I know that my moms memories will be vastly different than mine...everyone has different takes on situations, the "two sides to every story" bit....

I am okay with that, I think.  I have my truth, and she has hers.

fucking idiot anti-maskers

Living in America, I basically hear only American news.  In America, our presidency is a sham,  the democrat party is a sham, our government is a divided angry shameful display of egos and bigatry. 

The big go to phrase now is "We are all in this together"....fucking bullshit.  If we were all in this together, EVERYONE WOULD BE WEARING MASKS, EVERYONE WOULD BE DOING EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO STOP THIS SPREAD OF COVID.  We are not in this together.   The anti-maskers are not with the people...they do not give a shit about anybody but themselves....that is not "togetherness".

I use to think this was just a stupid American white trash deal, no masks, but looking at the news in other countries, they have their own anti-maskers and idiots also.  It is not just an American thing, it is a people thing.

It is the law to wear a seatbelt in your car as you are driving.   So, the vast majority of people do wear seatbelts...for their and their childrens safety in the event of a collision.    How is that any different than wearing a mask?  You wear a mask for safety in the event of a collision with the covid virus.   The virus is killing way more people than auto accidents do each month.   Again, people are not in this together.....

Other countries have people protesting and marching against their government because of "having to wear a mask"....I just don't get it.  Yes, masks are annoying, hot, and stuffy...but wearing a seatbelt is annoying, tight and more constraining than a fucking mask...but you wear a seatbelt and just deal with the uncomfortableness....

People are just fucking idiots.  ALL PEOPLE, WHITE, BLACK, ASIAN, MEXICAN, WHATEVER...not wearing a mask in this climate is idiotic, ridiculous and potentially deadly....anti-maskers are potential killers....they have the potential of catching the disease and giving it to others because they don't wear a mask....In a car, if the person is not wearing a seatbelt, their chances of death in a wreck raises sharply...but it only affects them, their body...no one else.   Not wearing a mask, affects everyone around them...encountering a non-mask wearing person is a potential covid assault from that person.

If you have a friend that has a highly contagious illness, like the flu or chicken pox...YOU fucking stay away from them....Covid is a highly contagious illness....you would not go around a covid patient unmasked...you just wouldn't....covid is sneaky, and the mask is one of the best ways to prevent spread and infection....yet people are fucking bucking the system...

Wearing a mask infringes on my freedom,  wearing a mask doesn't work, etc....blah blah blah...the ultimate act of selfishness is refusing to wear a mask in public....I fervently hope that all those stupid ass anti mask people all catch the covid and become seriously ill...

KARMA IS REAL....STUPIDITY WILL COME BACK AND BITE YOU IN THE ASS....all of you, in every country...YOU ARE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS AND DESERVE TO CATCH THIS BUG.  Since anti maskers aren't doing their part to curb this virus, then they just need to get sick and fucking die.  I am sick to death of humans.

S, T

Trip

So next week, my advocate and I are headed on a road trip to New Hampshire, Boston area.  My sister lives there.  I am excited for the trip, but petrified for the visit.

If you have read any of my posts about "abuse from my childhood", the little girl or sister in the "stories" is my sister.   She is aware of the abuse her bio dad did to our mother...but she has no ideal what I went through.   Part of this visit, is to tell her.  Also, she thinks I have "black outs"....we are going to tell her the "black outs" are alters fronting.   She will be the first family member that I come out too...

I am so afraid she will reject me, or call me a liar, or whatever...I don't want her to hate her mom,  and I am certainly not looking forward to telling her to what an extent her bio dad was a monster.  

For people with DID, fear of rejection is overwhelming.  Being called a liar, or exaggerating or whatever is also overwhelming.  I am so scared for the outcome of our visit together.   

My sister and I have always had a love/hate relationship.  We either get along well or we don't get along at all....there is no gray area between us.  Trying to explain to her, Ally, Lilly, Kaos, Sophee, Tessa and Sammy will be an emotional monumental hill I am going to climb....How do you explain to a close family member the 6 other personalities living in my head???  It sounds fantastic in nature, like science fiction..will she believe me?  will she accept the new me?  will she be hurt because of the knowledge she will learn about her bio dad?  

I know that if she listens to me and my advocate, she will remember times in the past where I seemed "off"...she may begin to understand why I did and do the things I do...My sister is very intelligent.  Way more intelligent than me...so I am scared she won't believe me.   I am so glad my advocate is going with me, he will be better able to answer her questions than me...He is very intelligent also.

Telling my sister and her husband, will be the first major step I take in coming clean about my condition.   If it goes well with her, then I will slowly start coming out of the closet, so to speak.  But if she denies me or does not believe it and treats me badly, that will shut me up for good.   It will send me and my girls back into the closet and the door will slam shut.  Will I be able to handle that type of rejection?  I already have a huge "insecurity complex", I never feel good enough, pretty enough, smart enough etc...probably because I never got to fully embrace the person that is Sparrow.  I have had to shuffle my time between all the personalities,  which in my head, are different than Sparrow.  They look different, act different, have different tastes and likes, different needs, different ages, its impossible for me to be self assured when there is so many of me.....so its no wonder I am so insecure and unsure of myself.

My sister embracing me/us will go a long long long way in helping me feel  more comfortable and at ease with my girls.  Her acceptance will help me to accept my DID better.  Right now, I hate the DID, I hate how different it makes me, I hate the memory loss, and the confusion I feel so much...it is so fucking hard to accept and live with.   

So, as next week and our vacation gets closer, my anxiety will increase, but I am hoping the trip is good, and my sister and I can finally become honest with each other and be the "sisters" that I have only dreamed about.  

S

Presidents Karma

So. America's president.  Donald Trump, has spent months downplaying the covid virus.  Flagrantly going around without wearing a mask, and bullying the health officials and those around him wearing masks.....fucking love karma.

Now, he and the first lady have tested positive.  All I have to say is:  ITS ABOUT FUCKING TIME....because of Trump, thousands of people have died from this "so-called virus",  people who trusted his judgement and follow him.  He has led his followers straight into the ground....holding rallys without masks,  President Trump has figuratively killed thousands of stupid people and the people around the stupid people.   

My own kids are anti-maskers, pro-trump idiots.   I would love to see what they are thinking now.   Will they start wearing masks???? fuck, I am sure they will try and spend some tale that Trump was set up or something fuck like that...because they are not big enough people to admit when they were wrong or made wrong decisions.   

I hate to say this, but I hope this virus ruins Trumps presidency.  I hope he has to step down because of his sickness....fuck, I would not care if he even died.   That would be the ultimate act to maybe shock people into realizing this virus is a BIG FUCKING SERIOUS DEAL.   

Trump is in his 70's and obese.  He is the age that is hit hardest and the people get sickest and die from the virus.   

LET THIS BE A LESSON TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE...PLAY WITH FIRE AND YOU FUCKING GET BURNED.....

S