what is my purpose?

 I wonder what it would be like to have had a childhood like my kids had.

I wonder what it would have been like to be married to a man I loved.

I wonder what it would have been like to be a happy child.

I wonder what it would have been like to go to bed and sleep without fear...he would show up.

I wonder what it would have been like to be excited when daddy got home from work, instead of terrified.

I wonder what it would have been like to have a loving mother.

I wonder .....

My life would have been so different...I would not have DID.  I would not have depression, I would not have sought out men to hurt me...I would not have hated my life.   I would have been a better daughter, wife, mother, grandma.  I would not have ran from my life.

My childhood ruined me.  A child is not resilient, does not snap back or forget bad memories.  A child stuffs bad deep down, and pretends it is gone away.   A child is molded and shaped by its parents and environment.   A crappy childhood, makes a crappy person, usually.

I tried to put an end to that cycle of abuse.  I tried to be a good person, I tried to give my kids the life I did not have.  I tried to love my mother, I really did.  I tried to talk about my bad memories to my husband, but it fell on deaf ears...so like a child, I had to stuff it.  The more I tried to be good, the worse I got.  I became to the consumate actress.  "I am fine",  "I am good" "nothing is wrong" "I am happy" but those lies didn't fool me, even though they fooled others.  When I broke down and was committed into the hospital...it became apparent that I was "not okay".  All the stuff I stuffed, was spilling out at the seams and I was falling apart.   I had no love around me, I had selfish kids and an absent husband...I was alone around a sea of people.

So I had two options, die or leave.   So I left.   

I wonder if my childhood had been different, if I would have left.  

I wonder if I would have been happy, if my childhood was happy.

I wonder what type of person I would be today, if my mother had loved me.

but today...I am this....

Broken

split

depressed most of the time

not happy, but not unhappy

a mental nightmare

full of fear and phobias

deviant sexually

alone for the most part

lost, lonely

However, I am also..

grateful

away from sadness

finally in love with someone

trying real hard to not fuck up my life

trying to come to grips with DID

learning my alters

reliving my nightmares and talking about them

blogging

taking care of myself...ie, eating good, exercising, sleeping

trying to find a purpose....

I wonder what my purpose is?  Have I already served my purpose by procreating to the species?  Is that all I was born to do?   

I wonder if I am missed at all?  

I wonder if Karma will be good to me, or will I always be punished for being "Missy, melissa, sparrow"  

I wonder if my destiny is to be alone...or if my destiny is with the man I love now and my alters...

I wonder if I am to speak out about DID, childhood abuse, and the like, I should I just keep my big fat mouth shut.

I am confused about my new life.....why me?

I have so many questions, and those questions will never be answered....open ended questions to fuck with the rest of my life.

S