Tuesday, September 1, 2020

September 1

I thought being abused as a child was horrible, I thought my head injury and consequent brain tumor/tumors were horrible,  splitting from my husband and leaving everything I knew was horrible because it is so sad I was basically "forced" to leave...to leave a horrible situation...There have been so many horrible shocking things that have passed through my life.......but the worst, most horrible sickening thing happened one year ago today.

My 8 yr old grandson died of Chordoma.   From his diagnosis to this death, only 6 weeks.....6 weeks to shove a lifetime of living down his little throat.  6 weeks to love him and spend as much time possible staring at his beautiful face, listening to his beautiful voice, touching him, hugging him, kissing him....6 weeks watching him die, an agonizing death in which the tumor literally cut his spine in two, killing him.  An innocent child, struck down by a monster....The moment he died was the exact moment I turned my back on religion and god.  No god would let this happen to a child....there is no god.

God was not there, when that fucking pig pedophile so severely abused me,  god was not there when I was on that island being chased like a dog by more pedophiles,  god was not there when my head was so fucked up with memories....god was not there when I wanted to die....god was not there when the cancer monster came to me.....god is not real...the day my grandson died was the day any type of christian god or belief died with him.

I got over my life....I had managed to forget and put away all those horrible fuck childhood memories...I had managed to make a life for myself, my children, I was trying so hard to be happy....I was taking care of me for the first time ever....I was beginning to be happy again....then Gage got sick....my fucked up life came crashing down again...weighting me down with so much grief and sadness that I can hardly breath...

I don't know how I am going to get through today.....all I see is my Gagey struggling to breathe, struggling to talk, not able to swallow, in horrible fucking pain...how did this happen?  why?  what the fuck does it mean?   


                                                        goodbye precious baby boy


It is so hard to believe that it has already been a year since he died...where did that year go?   where is gagey?   what happened to me?  I will tell you what happened to me.....I died right there with gagey....my heart stopped beating the minute his did...now I am nothing but a shell of a person, alive because my heart refuses to stop pumping useless blood through my veins...but my soul is dead....a huge part of me died with gagey....


                                                                breathe baby, breathe...


September 1, 2019.

The worse day in history.

S++6

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