Integration

I am trying real hard to be more aware of my alters.  I am trying to focus on feelings and random thoughts as not my own, but theirs too.  yesterday, I had a strong urge to eat a burger.  It was on my mind all day...hamburger, hamburger, hamburger.....

Hamburgers are not on my diet.  I am a vegetarian, but evidently I am the only vegetarian, the rest of me, Ally, Lilly, Sophee, Sammy, Tessa are all meat eaters.  I use to think that "when I felt hungry for meat, it was just my body needing protein." but now, I believe when I am preoccupied with meat thoughts, its because one or all of the alters is wanting to eat meat.    I found a vegie burger at Hardees, called the "Beyond Burger"...it taste just like meat, is as satisfying as meat, and the alters like it...so now, when I am thinking "meat", I head to Hardees for their beyond burger...

This morning I found this written on my board, from Tessa, thanking me for the burger...

Also, when the advocate and I are eating out, or grilling out, my advocate also puts a couple of bite size chunks of meat on my plate...for the girls...I try and choke it down for them....haha.  My stomach, because of all the stomach surgeries, cannot digest and break down meat, especially beef.  So, I stay away from all meats...but occasionally a couple of bites of steak for the girls is in order.  That is integration.

Another form of integration.  I was at the Goodwill store, my favorite store, as they always have "treasures"...yesterday, on a shelf was a wooden couch (for some-type of craft) but the perfect size for barbie dolls to sit on,  I saw it, it was in my hand, but I put it back on the shelf...Ally already has doll furniture...but at check out, the "couch" was back in my hand along with another item....I have no memory of picking that "couch" back up and taking it to the cashier.  But, knowing Ally is the one wanting the furniture, I bought it.  Later, at the advocates house, I saw the couch in her playroom with a doll sitting on it....again, this is integration.

As a rule, I hate wearing a bra.  I am small breasted so I don't sag, and really don't need a bra...but there days when "where a bra" is on my mind when I get dressed.  I usually don't think twice about a bra, I just don't wear one, but when it is heavy on my mind to wear one, then I know this is "Sammy".  She is very modest and wears a bra.  So, I will wear a bra for her.  Again, integration.

Sophee, does not like any jewelry or tattoos.  I love tatts and silver and black leather jewelry.  But my agreement to her is, that I only have tatts on my left side of my body, and jewelry is only a ring or two on the right hand...I did not even know that I was integrating with Sophee when I got all my tatts on the left leg...the left side of my body is for me, the right side, for Sophee.  I just always felt a strong pull to put the tatts on the left leg only....integrating without realizing it....

Sammy also loves music and dancing.  More often than not, my stereo is playing and the TV is off.   I believe that is Sammy wanting to listen to music, not TV.  In fact, I really don't watch much TV at all, never have....music is my first choice of entertainment, and obviously Sammy's too.  Another form of integration...music for Sammy.

Sometimes in my head, I get confused or am wanting something but I can't figure out what....so I go through the check list:

I try and figure out maybe if one of my girls is wanting or needing something....its hard though, because sometimes its me wanting something, sometimes its one of them....I am learning to discern who is talking in my head...

Ally and Tessa by far, are my two most dominant personalities, besides Sparrow.   In fact, I have three tooth brushes...one for each of us.  I am not aware if the others brush their teeth or not...but Tessa and Ally do.  

Another form of integration is my hair.   Ally has curly hair, so their are many days that I curl my hair, and this makes Ally happy.  Other days I straighten it...all the girls like my hair longer, I think.  

My advocate says I should give each girl time everyday to do their thing....its easy with Sammy....just wear a bra and listen and dance to music....its easy with Ally....plop myself down in front of her toys and she will come out...its harder with the rest.  Lilly rarely fronts, Tessa fronts when my mind starts to wander and I get bored...she will take over and finish tasks...I am unaware when Tessa is out, but she is very good at being Sparrow...most people do not know its Tessa.

Since Sophee is my punisher, the one who marks me and hurts me, I would rather her stay put away....she will only front if I am very upset or angry or mad at myself...she puts me back in my place...

All the older girls, with the exception of Ally, enjoy sex.  Which is weird to me, but there it is.  Not sure if Lilly likes sex, but Sophee, Tessa, and Sammy do, each in their own individual way, each with different desires.

I am trying so hard to integrate all these personalities into my life so we can all live in harmony.  Now that I am aware of my DID, my whole way of thinking, life has drastically changed.  And not really for the better....some days, I am okay with the alters, other days I hate them...its a love/hate relationship which I hope will one day be a love/acceptance relationship...

One day at a time....

S