DID, identity cancer

Not sure what is wrong with me...yesterday was a good day for me.  I got a lot done and felt good.   Then, I go to the advocates house and boom,  the night is gone....I remember parking in the back of his place and walking up the stairs with Boomer and entering his apartment.  He had just had a shower...  I remember drinking a beer and we were talking, then next thing, I am sitting at the foot of his bed and he is sitting on the floor looking at me....

 Seems we had gotten into a discussion and I got upset....so upset that Tessa fronted and I was gone.  I am not sure what was said, or what the conversation was about...

This is what happens to me.   One minute I am here, the next I am "asleep or napping" according to my alters.   I guess I must take fucking a million naps a day...because I feel like I am barely ever present anymore...I think Tessa is the dominant alter, and Sparrow is the body host.  Sparrow is the host for the critical part of life, the body, the identification for legal shit, the "pop up doll" for the world to see physically...but mentally its mostly Tessa.

I am the star of my own horror show....it would definitely take a polygamous man to want to share his life with me/us...because he will get Tessa the most, Sparrow some, Ally, Lilly, Sammy and Kaos.  Who the fuck wants that many women in their life?? Its a fucking nightmare.

My advocate, I am sure, gets so fucking tired of explaining things to me I continuously forget,  telling me things I had done or said and have no memory of.  How sad that I do things, then don't remember...and how frustrating it is for me to not remember, I can just imagine how frustrating it is for him.   

Before, when I really had no ideal that I had DID, I was blissfully unaware of my condition...so I didn't know.  NOW, I know and it is so hard to accept.   Its like someone having cancer but don't know yet.  They feel different, but can brush it off as nothing...then they get the diagnosis "cancer" and their world falls apart.....they know....it can't be brushed off anymore....

That is DID.  A horrible brain cancer of identities...each identity a type of cancer raging in the brain...terminal malignant DID cancer.  

No cure, you are doomed until you die.

S