Brain Tumors

Lately I have only been blogging about the alters...but another issue I have, that I have put on the back burner, is the fact that I have multiple meningeomas (brain tumors).  My last MRI in 2017 indicated that I have 10 scattered across the frontal lobe.  In 08, I had one tumor.  So, in the 3 years I have not had the MRI it is a safe bet to assume that I probably have 13 or more, now.

This morning, around 4:30 am,  I woke with a screaming headache.  Searing pain, shooting, horrible lightening pain...Waking up with a really bad headache is not a good sign.  Most normal headaches start small and build throughout the day.  A screaming headache in the AM is not a good thing.  

I am worried about the pain.  What does it mean?  Are the tumors growing and spreading even more?  Am I about to have a stroke...the initial tumor was attached to the Sattual Sinus Vein and is stroke worthy...Are the tumors crowding and pushing on my blood veins...is the oxygen to my brain being lessened?  

I use to not care about those fucking tumors...I quit getting MRIs because I have already had brain surgery and the brain can only be operated on once...so knowing means nothing.  So I chose to not know what was going on with these tumors...Do I want to know if this pain is in fact indicative to something more serious in my head?  I am scared....

Now that I know that I have 6 other personalities, I feel more pressure to be healthy, as I have to take care of them....they are also affected by the tumors....do they know about the tumors?  Do they worry about them also?  

If I die, its not just me, its 6 other legit personalities...a mass death...

I have been working with a neurologist for the head pain.  I have been receiving Botox injections every three months in the hopes that the pain will subside.....Today the pain is worse...the botox is not helping....nothing helps....

I am fucking doomed.  13+ brain tumors, 6 personalities, fucked up stomach (I have had two Nissen fundelplycations, which means I can no longer "throw up" or eat meat.)  So taking pain meds upset my stomach so I can no longer take pills...I have done everything to try and manage the head pain.....nothing fucking works...
pot helps, but it does not take away the pain, it just makes me not care as much about it....so that is my only source of pain management....but when my head is fucking screaming like it is now, pot does not even help....

Maybe if I beat my head up against a wall......shit.
I don't want to die....I want to live.

S