Integration

I am trying real hard to be more aware of my alters.  I am trying to focus on feelings and random thoughts as not my own, but theirs too.  yesterday, I had a strong urge to eat a burger.  It was on my mind all day...hamburger, hamburger, hamburger.....

Hamburgers are not on my diet.  I am a vegetarian, but evidently I am the only vegetarian, the rest of me, Ally, Lilly, Sophee, Sammy, Tessa are all meat eaters.  I use to think that "when I felt hungry for meat, it was just my body needing protein." but now, I believe when I am preoccupied with meat thoughts, its because one or all of the alters is wanting to eat meat.    I found a vegie burger at Hardees, called the "Beyond Burger"...it taste just like meat, is as satisfying as meat, and the alters like it...so now, when I am thinking "meat", I head to Hardees for their beyond burger...

This morning I found this written on my board, from Tessa, thanking me for the burger...

Also, when the advocate and I are eating out, or grilling out, my advocate also puts a couple of bite size chunks of meat on my plate...for the girls...I try and choke it down for them....haha.  My stomach, because of all the stomach surgeries, cannot digest and break down meat, especially beef.  So, I stay away from all meats...but occasionally a couple of bites of steak for the girls is in order.  That is integration.

Another form of integration.  I was at the Goodwill store, my favorite store, as they always have "treasures"...yesterday, on a shelf was a wooden couch (for some-type of craft) but the perfect size for barbie dolls to sit on,  I saw it, it was in my hand, but I put it back on the shelf...Ally already has doll furniture...but at check out, the "couch" was back in my hand along with another item....I have no memory of picking that "couch" back up and taking it to the cashier.  But, knowing Ally is the one wanting the furniture, I bought it.  Later, at the advocates house, I saw the couch in her playroom with a doll sitting on it....again, this is integration.

As a rule, I hate wearing a bra.  I am small breasted so I don't sag, and really don't need a bra...but there days when "where a bra" is on my mind when I get dressed.  I usually don't think twice about a bra, I just don't wear one, but when it is heavy on my mind to wear one, then I know this is "Sammy".  She is very modest and wears a bra.  So, I will wear a bra for her.  Again, integration.

Sophee, does not like any jewelry or tattoos.  I love tatts and silver and black leather jewelry.  But my agreement to her is, that I only have tatts on my left side of my body, and jewelry is only a ring or two on the right hand...I did not even know that I was integrating with Sophee when I got all my tatts on the left leg...the left side of my body is for me, the right side, for Sophee.  I just always felt a strong pull to put the tatts on the left leg only....integrating without realizing it....

Sammy also loves music and dancing.  More often than not, my stereo is playing and the TV is off.   I believe that is Sammy wanting to listen to music, not TV.  In fact, I really don't watch much TV at all, never have....music is my first choice of entertainment, and obviously Sammy's too.  Another form of integration...music for Sammy.

Sometimes in my head, I get confused or am wanting something but I can't figure out what....so I go through the check list:

I try and figure out maybe if one of my girls is wanting or needing something....its hard though, because sometimes its me wanting something, sometimes its one of them....I am learning to discern who is talking in my head...

Ally and Tessa by far, are my two most dominant personalities, besides Sparrow.   In fact, I have three tooth brushes...one for each of us.  I am not aware if the others brush their teeth or not...but Tessa and Ally do.  

Another form of integration is my hair.   Ally has curly hair, so their are many days that I curl my hair, and this makes Ally happy.  Other days I straighten it...all the girls like my hair longer, I think.  

My advocate says I should give each girl time everyday to do their thing....its easy with Sammy....just wear a bra and listen and dance to music....its easy with Ally....plop myself down in front of her toys and she will come out...its harder with the rest.  Lilly rarely fronts, Tessa fronts when my mind starts to wander and I get bored...she will take over and finish tasks...I am unaware when Tessa is out, but she is very good at being Sparrow...most people do not know its Tessa.

Since Sophee is my punisher, the one who marks me and hurts me, I would rather her stay put away....she will only front if I am very upset or angry or mad at myself...she puts me back in my place...

All the older girls, with the exception of Ally, enjoy sex.  Which is weird to me, but there it is.  Not sure if Lilly likes sex, but Sophee, Tessa, and Sammy do, each in their own individual way, each with different desires.

I am trying so hard to integrate all these personalities into my life so we can all live in harmony.  Now that I am aware of my DID, my whole way of thinking, life has drastically changed.  And not really for the better....some days, I am okay with the alters, other days I hate them...its a love/hate relationship which I hope will one day be a love/acceptance relationship...

One day at a time....

S

Linger

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real that when you awakened, it couldn't be shook?

 a dream so real, you felt emotion?  

A dream that follows you around all day...gently reminding you of your fears...

a dream that haunts your thoughts, and dogs your steps...

a dream that whispers in your ears.....

She had a dream, that reminds her, she is expendable,  she is easy to leave....

she had a dream that fed her insecurity and doubts..

she had a dream, I know, was just a dream...

but it is a dream that lingers....

Tessa

mushroom hike

So Boomer and I went hiking the trails at Carvins Cove.  I love to take Boomer there, he gets to run around the woods and trails and play in the lake.    During our walk, I noticed all kinds of bright colorful mushrooms along the trail.  It has been raining so much, these fungi plants are sprouting up everywhere.  I took some pics with my camera and my advocate put them in a collage.  Here they are:

 

I love the randomness of the growth placements...against a tree, laying down in moss, coming out of a tree stump...amazing.

Also, while Boomer was prancing around the shoreline, he chased after a stick in the water...but as I was watching him with the stick, I noticed the stick move.....it was a snake!!!  From my distance I could not tell what type of snake, nor did I get a clear view of the shape of its head, so I got Boomer away from it....last thing I need is for Boomer to get bit by a water moccasin or some other poisonous snake.   The snake was only about 18 inches long and slender....

Boomer is very obedient, so he left the snake alone and we continued our hike.   

I love hiking, it is calming and quiet.  It is my new go too activity to get away from people and to be left alone.  Just me, Boomer and nature.

S

DID, identity cancer

Not sure what is wrong with me...yesterday was a good day for me.  I got a lot done and felt good.   Then, I go to the advocates house and boom,  the night is gone....I remember parking in the back of his place and walking up the stairs with Boomer and entering his apartment.  He had just had a shower...  I remember drinking a beer and we were talking, then next thing, I am sitting at the foot of his bed and he is sitting on the floor looking at me....

 Seems we had gotten into a discussion and I got upset....so upset that Tessa fronted and I was gone.  I am not sure what was said, or what the conversation was about...

This is what happens to me.   One minute I am here, the next I am "asleep or napping" according to my alters.   I guess I must take fucking a million naps a day...because I feel like I am barely ever present anymore...I think Tessa is the dominant alter, and Sparrow is the body host.  Sparrow is the host for the critical part of life, the body, the identification for legal shit, the "pop up doll" for the world to see physically...but mentally its mostly Tessa.

I am the star of my own horror show....it would definitely take a polygamous man to want to share his life with me/us...because he will get Tessa the most, Sparrow some, Ally, Lilly, Sammy and Kaos.  Who the fuck wants that many women in their life?? Its a fucking nightmare.

My advocate, I am sure, gets so fucking tired of explaining things to me I continuously forget,  telling me things I had done or said and have no memory of.  How sad that I do things, then don't remember...and how frustrating it is for me to not remember, I can just imagine how frustrating it is for him.   

Before, when I really had no ideal that I had DID, I was blissfully unaware of my condition...so I didn't know.  NOW, I know and it is so hard to accept.   Its like someone having cancer but don't know yet.  They feel different, but can brush it off as nothing...then they get the diagnosis "cancer" and their world falls apart.....they know....it can't be brushed off anymore....

That is DID.  A horrible brain cancer of identities...each identity a type of cancer raging in the brain...terminal malignant DID cancer.  

No cure, you are doomed until you die.

S

Adventures in Virginia

This past weekend I had a blast with my advocate and his son.  

We went to a place called "Wasena Park".  the Roanoke river flows through there at a pretty good clip.  The river is only about waist deep, but it has some rapids and is very swift moving.  So much fun to kayak through, raft through, or just let the water carry your body on down....

I decided to get Boomer and hold him as I was carried down river...it went "not so good", Boomer would have none of it and broke free of me and swam straight to the shore...CHICKEN

 what a fun day!

The next day it was miniture golf.   I usually suck at golf, whether I swing with the left or the right side...but this day...I won by 4 strokes!  I beat the advocate and his son!  Whoohoo....I made 2 hole in ones, and got all par except for 2 Pars, in which I was over par.  But I won!

The last adventure was chasing down the new Peanut Nutmobile.  It is like the Oscar Mayer Weiner truck, but only in the shape of a peanut.   It weighs 140 million peanuts.  It was fun to see and we got packages of peanuts too.   Mr. Peanut (the original) was killed off last December, and baby peanut was born.  But now, baby peanut is 21 yrs old......ages 20 years in a matter of months...I guess to cater to a new crowd and boost sales....whatever, it was fun anyhow.

The weekend was good.  All of me got to do something for fun.  I think my alters enjoy new adventures too....

S

BDSM

I am gonna talk about BDSM.  Before the "50 Shades of Grey" movies,  BDSM was "in the closet".   I had never heard of that lifestyle until the movie.  But what is interesting, is that I have always craved pain.  I have always craved to not be in control.  To be controlled by another.  I would seek out men, I knew would "hit" me, in a way I craved....despite being married, I sought out those men and lived this "secret life".  Maybe it was because of my childhood, being hit and beat, tied up, etc...left a scar of some sort.  In my head, I equated love with punishment, so in order to feel "loved" I needed to be hit or punished in some way.  I know it sounds bizarre or even sick to think that way, but millions of people all over the world live this lifestyle.  There are submissives, slaves, Doms, Daddys, Masters, kittens, littles, all kinds of kinks that hide behind closed doors.  I have been studying BDSM,  I am a submissive.  I submit to a Master.  BDSM:  Bondage-dominance-sado-maschocism.   I am also a masochist.  I like pain, I crave pain, pain is sexual to me...My problem finding random men to hit me or give me pain was so hard...they did not know how to correctly distribute the pain. They had no clue where to strike me to stay away from vital organs. One man, hit me so hard I fell back, slammed my head and got a head injury that, I believe, led to my initial brain tumor.   

When I discovered BDSM, I was elated.  So happy that I was not "weird" or "demented", I was normal, as BDSM is a normal lifestyle, a different lifestyle, but normal.  As a submissive,  I submit to a Master.  I take care of him (much like a wife), I anticipate his needs, I show him respect,  I refer to him as Master or Daddy.  If I have an issue with say, my landlord, he takes care of it.  He is my fixer.  Any issue I have, he steps in and takes care of it.  He is my defender, always has my back, and I, his.  I know this sounds like a marriage.  in BDSM a collar represents a type of marriage between two people.  I wear a titanium silver collar around my neck.  It is locked and cannot be taken off, only Master has the key.  As a Master, he is extremely intelligent, slow to anger, very patient, and knows me.  A Master has studied the art of discipline and pain.  He knows exactly the places on my body to strike me, if I want pain yet not hurt me internally.  He knows when I have had enough of the pain, he reads my body.  In the beginning we had a "safe word".  A safe word, is a word that you two agree on.  It is too be said during a "scene" if it is too much to bear.  Just say the safe word and it stops.  A master always respects the safe word. 

So what is in it for the master/daddy/dom?  As a submissive I have given all control to my master.  My body is his, my heart is his, my soul is his....if master wants sex, master has sex.  If master wants me to sit naked beside him while watching TV..then that happens.  A master also is a master at love making.  I had never before in my life experienced sex like this.  He showed me my G-spot.  He showed me what "squirting" was, he has opened my eyes to the beauty and awe of sex.  With him, sex is all about pleasing me.  He makes sure I am completely satisfied and satiated before he has his pleasure...and since he so completely pleases me, I do the same for him, when it is his turn.  Our "scenes and sex" can last for hours...a master IS NOT A MINUTE MAN  he can control his erections without medication.

We talk about everything.  Our sexual fantasies (which he tries to make happen for me) our thoughts, everything.  Our souls are laid bear to eachother.  A master also has skills.  He can turn off a light switch on a wall with a bullwhip.  When he uses the bull whip on me (which I like) it only strikes my butt area.  The safe area.  All our toys are built by him...We have many dungeon toys,  and I have many corsets and sexy clothing to wear for scenes.  We have gone to dungeons and played many times...BDSM makes me feel alive and beautiful.   Our relationship has no rules.  If I wanted to play with another guy or girl,  I tell Master, and he finds and vetts them.  If he says they are okay, then I play with them, but Master is always around, to make sure things don't go to far and I am safe.  The same goes for him, but I am still "weird about him being with another" so for now, we are monogamous to eachother, sexually.   He also administers punishment if I step out of line of in my submission.  He has wooden paddles or uses his leather belt to spank me.  And it is not "play" spanking...it fucking is an out and out spanking, (if it was too much punishment I have the safe word) sometimes leaving bruises...which I call "masters artwork".  I love getting the bruises...I love when he leaves marks.  When the bullwhip is used, I will bleed...and he licks the blood off me.  After a "scene" or punishment, he will gently nurse my wounds and hold me until I am better, this is "aftercare".  which is vital.  I am being punished then loved...like with children...you punish them, then you love them...my whole life, I was punished but not loved....this does not happen in BDSM, at least not for us.  

as with any activity, there are fuckers who don't respect a safe word, who are only in it for their own sexual gratification, these are "fake doms", guys who only think with their dicks.  A master has years and years of training and experience,  my master has 20+ years in this lifestyle.  I have now been a submissive almost 3 yrs.

Also my master is aware of and knows my alters.  He caters to their needs, wants and desires too.  He is daddy to my Ally.  (if we are in a scene and Ally fronts for some reason, the scene stops and he becomes her daddy) the alters also know what a safe word is, and if for any reason, they don't want to "play", they can say the safe word, and all play or punishment is immediately over.  Many many women in this lifestyle also have alters,  I am not alone.  I know another submissive with alters and the lifestyle works for her and her Master.  

BDSM has no boundaries...it can be anything a person wants it to be in their life...there is no moral compass, nothing to make a person feel embarrassed or ashamed.  BDSM is freedom to be who you are in every way...IT IS NOT JUST PHYSICAL PAIN AND VIOLENCE...that is a small part and a part with mutual agreement.  Doms don't go around being women beaters...its not just about sex.  It is a lifestyle,  there are also slaves.  These people give up their rights to everything, financial, jobs etc...They are different.  I have my own apartment.  My money is mine.  My master has his own apartment, and his own money.  We share,  we have two apartments to live...one in the trees with critters everywhere, and one in the middle of a city with nightlife and public activities.  We have the best of both worlds, a city apartment and "country" apartment.  We talk and text all day while he is at work, and see eachother everyday as a rule.  I have rules:  I have to answer the phone when he calls..when I smoke weed, I have to do it topless, he likes to look at me.  Whatever he asks me to do, I have to do it.  He would never ask me to do anything that would harm me mentally, physically or emotionally.  And I always have a safe word, no matter what.  We do not live together because I want to have my own place...I have never lived alone and I crave my own space.  Master is completely okay with that.  He has a key and can be here at any time day or night.  I have a key to his place too.

The love, attention, protection, guidance, reassurance and affirmations he gives me, I have NEVER gotten from any man.  I am his world, and he is mine.  He is my god.  He knows what I need, he knows what I want, he takes ultimate care of me...he is my body guard, disciplinarian, daddy, fixer, helper, lover.  And I am his except for the discipline part!  My Master has my back no matter the situation.  He is my champion, he is my voice and he is my heart.  and I am his.

BDSM obviously is not for everybody,  just like any other lifestyle.  but for me, it is who I am.  I am a submissive at heart and mind.  And my partner is my Master.  My everything.

S

Safari Park and Ally

My little, Ally, loves animals.  All animals, she is fascinated by them.  My advocate a year ago, took her/me to a place called Safari Park.  It is a drive through animal park and zoo...animals come up to the car window to feed, and there are others in cages...

Ally, as a child, me as a child, never had birthday parties or got gifts.  Her first birthday party (my first party) did not happen until I was in the fourth grade when I was living with my bio dad (whom at the time I thought was my uncle)...anyhoo, as a very young girl, I never had a party for me...My advocate knew this.  Once when talking to Ally, he asked her her age, she said 6, but she wanted to be 9 because 9 means the "bad man" will be gone....so my advocate threw her a party with 9 candles.   She was officially 9 yrs old and safe.  

He picked August 14 to be her birthdate.  This past 14th, he surprised her with another party, wrapped gifts a cake, everything.

 

Ally loves horses, she knows horses eat carrots, so her birthday cake is always a carrot cake with horses...Later, he took her to Safari park.  Her favorite place.  While there, me and Ally flitted in and out, we both took on the day, my advocate has her on video, and pictures.  One thing he said she said "she wants a monkey, deer, she wants all the animals and because where Sparrow lives is so small, she wants the animals to stay with the advocate because his place is bigger"...hahaha, when he told me she said that...cracked me up.

She wants this baby monkey!   also, a funny thing, a bison or buffalo came up to the car, stuck his big ole head in for food...as Ally was feeding him, he sneezed...got snot and saliva all over Ally face and side of car door....the advocate said she laughed so hard, so gross, but Ally loved it....

This was just before he sneezed all over her....She also informed the advocate that she wanted to live at the park.  He had to live there too because he is her daddy...she calls him daddy.  Some of the things he tells me, Sparrow, what she says and does is so funny...god she really is such a kid...finally able to be a kid without fear.   

My advocate is giving me back my childhood, a healthy fear-free childhood, he is giving it to Ally.  Ally is safe now...I am safe...we all are safe now....

S

The Deer

I love living in Virginia.  My balcony alone, I feed hummingbirds, squirrels, birds, chipmunks and even a snake or two.  From my balcony, I can watch a family of deer frolick and play in my front yard, I can watch a black bear tip over the garbage cans, or a raccoon in the cans...In a minutes drive, I am in the mountains, hiking, kayaking, watching wildlife.  Yesterday, I was walking in my neighborhood, it was early morning, and I saw this beauty just laying chillin in the morning hours...The deer was laying down, at first my thought was, oh shit, I hope she didn't get hit by a car...so I slowly, quietly walked to withing 50 feet, and she turned her beautiful head and looked at me.  Still laying down. I made the kissing sound with my mouth and she stood up, and looked at me.  We just sat there looking at eachother in silent wonder.   How anyone can shoot and kill these beautiful animals is beyond me.

she was just behind this fence....so goddamn beautiful...so at peace.  Once I realized she was just fine, I quietly walked away.....about 10 minutes later, I walked by where she was, and she was laying down again, watching....

There is also a family of deer, buck, doe and twin babies that live behind me, and sometimes Boomer chases one of the babies, they play, kinda chase eachother...so cute.

I love animals, all animals and reptiles, birds, anything that is not human.  Humans, I can do without....

S

 

The love

Its every girls dream to be special, to be loved above all.  To be special to someone...someone they love and loves them..someone who loves them more than anyone or anything...but that is an unattainable love.  that kind of love simply does not exist.  a girl may be told she is special, that she is loved...but the fact is anyone who loves her, loves others as well.  that is how love works, I love you, you love me, you are special, and so are you, and so are you... 

no person can love a girl enough to meet that unrealistic dream that they have...that they are special above all others...to think she can be the ultimate love, is ridiculous..there is always someone that is loved more...someone before her, loved, she may be loved, but she is not the LOVE...she never will be..

its not enough just to be loved...she needs to be "the love"...and she will never be that...she should be grateful to be loved at all...but still deep inside, she cries because she knows, she is second, not The love, but simply A love.... 

S

SHIT FOR BRAINS

I swear,  I do not know why I can never find anything....my apartment is organized, everything has its place.  I have to be anal about my things...they have to be in their spot...if they somehow get moved, then I can't find them....it makes me so fucking frustrated..

By my bed, on a table I keep a charger.  IT NEVER LEAVES THE SHELF BY MY BED.  IT IS THE ONLY CHARGER CABLE I HAVE THAT WORKS FOR THE APPLIANCE.                                    THAT CHARGER HAS DISAPPEARED.

there is no way I misplaced it...I am so fucking anal about putting things back in their place...I am obsessive about it, yet its gone.  fucking cant find it anywhere...and that frustrates the goddamn hell out of me.

now i am second guessing myself, which fucks with my brain and feeds my insecurities about myself.  did one of the alters move it???? but why would they, that makes no sense.

what pisses me off the worse, is when I mention to others, "I can't find this or that" they immediately say "join the club, as I get older I forget stuff too"...THIS IS NOT ABOUT AGE...ITS ABOUT MY GODDAMN FUCKED UP GOOD FOR NOTHING USELESS BRAIN.

How can I be more organized??? I can't be...i am organized as much as humanly possible in my home, and yet i still lose shit and can't find shit and it REMINDS ME OF MY SHIT FOR BRAINS.

SO THEN, I can't find my boots.  I know that I had them and I know I put them in a place to take home from the advocates place....couldn't find the boots anywhere, they were not in their space in the closet...they were not at the advocates place....I finally found them in my jeep...I HAVE NO FUCKING MEMORY OF TAKING THEM TO THE JEEP....I HAVE NO FUCKING MEMORY OF ANYTHING...WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CHARGER????

living with a fucked up head, alters, is enough to drive me over the edge of sanity.   My advocates house is the polar opposite of mine.  His is a pig sty...shit everywhere...he even has trouble finding his own stuff in his own place...this would make me kill myself if I had to live in a place like his....it works for him, but makes me crazy....I am also uncomfortable at his place because of the mess everywhere,  I can't relax if I am in the middle of chaos...his place is chaos, my place is organized and clean, yet I still can't find stuff....so, even trying to be organized, I am still a fucked up mess.......i should just say "fuck it and let my house become a wreck...then at least there would be an excuse to not be able to find anything .

So today was suppose to be a good day to spend with my advocate on his day off, and it has ALREADY BEEN RUINED..                                   

I HATE MYSELF AND MY FUCKED UP HEAD

s

one year anniversary

One year ago this week,  Gagey was diagnosed with Chordoma.  I flew to Oklahoma to begin the two week march to his death.  It was the worse 2 weeks of my life....sitting around watching a 9 yr old slowly die of a tumor that literally split his spine in two.   I had to watch his mother use his death to further her agenda, which is "Deedra".  The entire time Gagey was sick, his fucking mother made sure SHE got all the attention and she did everything she could to "make money out of a horrible situation"...

 THE FACT THAT A CHILD, INNOCENT CHILD, DIED OF THIS HIDEOUS CANCER AND NOT HIS FUCKING ASS SHIT OF A MOM PROVES THERE IS NO GOD.

I can't bear facebook and their fuck "memories", everyday a pic of this time last year, a picture of my beautiful grandson and the ravages of Chordoma.   Facebook throws me in jail for my "freedom of speech" then spends all week reminding me of my Grandson....

Life seems so worthless,  why live?  I mean seriously,  what the fuck is life for anyways?  life is a waste.  

You are born, you grow up, you eat food, you get sick, you get old then you die.  whoopie.....just like bugs and animals...people are no different in regards to life.   

i can't bear going to Gagey Tree this week...I can't bear the memories assailing my mind,  I can't sleep, I can't focus, I can't bear to keep on breathing while my gagey is gone...

Life is fucked.

S

Kayaking adventure

My advocate and I do alot of Kayaking.  We recently finished Kayaking the Roanoke River.  That river runs through our city, it runs through downtown and is quite beautiful....Roanokes own Riverwalk...

anyhow,  on that float, we came to a place where we a walking bridge crossed the river...There was a dam of sorts with little water holes...When we approached this, we looked at each other...what the fuck??  My advocate, ever the brave soul...decided he would navigate his Kayak through those "water holes" or tunnels that divide the river...

I on the other hand, elected to dock my Kayak and carry it across the dam thingy, then relaunch it....Those little tunnels were so tight, so claustrophobic I knew I would never be able to get through one....I took pics of the advocate coming out of the tunnel...he had to lay flat against his Kayak to clear his head, and when he came out, he had a cramp in his stomach from trying to be a contortionist!                        Also, on this float, we were just floating along, not paddling, just enjoying the warm and the water and I noticed a bald eagle soaring just above us.   I could not get a picture, but we both watched him land in a tree and look at us.                                                                                                                                                                                   Bald eagles are stunning to look at, they are the most majestic of all the flying birds...or rapters...We see all kinds of critters floating a river, snakes, ducks, geese, cranes, turtles, fish, beavers, deer and eagles....I love nature, it feeds my wiccan soul.                                    

The next river we are going to tackle is the James River.  This is a river historic from the civil war and alot bigger and wider...I could barely handle the rapids from the Roanoke River, I am excited and scared to tangle with the James river rapids!  But I will.....and I am so excited to get back on the river....  

                                                                                                                                                                     My alter, Ally, loves Kayaking, she loves the critters and the water, she fronts often during a kayak day...Tessa seems to be bored with kayaking, Lilly don't give a fuck, and I have no ideal how Sophee feels about the water and water crafts...I believe Sammy likes to Kayak too, but I am not sure....                                                                                                                         I cannot take Boomer on the river, not yet.  The rapids would freak him out, and I have flipped my kayak navigating those rapids and I would hate to flip it with Boomer on board.  So lake kayaking is where Boomer is involved...he loves the lake.                                                                                                                                                     I love Virginia, there is so much outdoor adventures, hiking, kayaking, boating, camping...so much land and so much freedom.  in the midwest most of the land is privately owned, and there is just not much in the way of hiking, etc....flat, dry and windy....                                                                                                                                        I am hoping, the weather stays sunny for this weekend (my advocates days off) so we can start the James River...lately it has been raining like crazy because of a tropical depression...hopefully that clears!  However we have Kayaked in the pouring down rain! Soggy soggy soggy...but interesting! 

America, the socialist country

I am so confused anymore....I am so fucking tired of America.  Social media is nothing but censorship and socialism...our country is not great...it is becoming communist.  

The citizens are nothing but puppets to the MAN...fuck that shit.

I am ready for the new civil war that is coming...I will bear arms and fight for my rights that are guaranteed under our constitution..I will not sit by and let the radicals and fucking idiots destroy and shit on my rights for free speech. 

Facebook is the enemy.  It is the biggest tool America has to further the left wing radicals.  Mark Zuckerberg is a socialist.  He needs to be shot.   The news media needs to be ran out of town, the liberal democrats who want to control everyone, all need to be wiped out.

America will never be great again.  How sad.

S

Brain Tumors

Lately I have only been blogging about the alters...but another issue I have, that I have put on the back burner, is the fact that I have multiple meningeomas (brain tumors).  My last MRI in 2017 indicated that I have 10 scattered across the frontal lobe.  In 08, I had one tumor.  So, in the 3 years I have not had the MRI it is a safe bet to assume that I probably have 13 or more, now.

This morning, around 4:30 am,  I woke with a screaming headache.  Searing pain, shooting, horrible lightening pain...Waking up with a really bad headache is not a good sign.  Most normal headaches start small and build throughout the day.  A screaming headache in the AM is not a good thing.  

I am worried about the pain.  What does it mean?  Are the tumors growing and spreading even more?  Am I about to have a stroke...the initial tumor was attached to the Sattual Sinus Vein and is stroke worthy...Are the tumors crowding and pushing on my blood veins...is the oxygen to my brain being lessened?  

I use to not care about those fucking tumors...I quit getting MRIs because I have already had brain surgery and the brain can only be operated on once...so knowing means nothing.  So I chose to not know what was going on with these tumors...Do I want to know if this pain is in fact indicative to something more serious in my head?  I am scared....

Now that I know that I have 6 other personalities, I feel more pressure to be healthy, as I have to take care of them....they are also affected by the tumors....do they know about the tumors?  Do they worry about them also?  

If I die, its not just me, its 6 other legit personalities...a mass death...

I have been working with a neurologist for the head pain.  I have been receiving Botox injections every three months in the hopes that the pain will subside.....Today the pain is worse...the botox is not helping....nothing helps....

I am fucking doomed.  13+ brain tumors, 6 personalities, fucked up stomach (I have had two Nissen fundelplycations, which means I can no longer "throw up" or eat meat.)  So taking pain meds upset my stomach so I can no longer take pills...I have done everything to try and manage the head pain.....nothing fucking works...
pot helps, but it does not take away the pain, it just makes me not care as much about it....so that is my only source of pain management....but when my head is fucking screaming like it is now, pot does not even help....

Maybe if I beat my head up against a wall......shit.
I don't want to die....I want to live.

S

dry erase board cont....

So I went out and purchased a dry erase board and colored dry erase markers.  The board is a decal that I could attack straight onto my stainless steel refrigerator.  It is perfect, for my small apartment.

My advocate came over and one by one, he called out 5 of the 6 alters.  I still believe Kaos is a fragment...that is the one  he did not call out.  Anyhoo,  they all picked a color and signed their names.

We discovered that Sophie does not spell her name like I have been spelling it, she spells it "sophee".  small s, double e.  All the names have double letters...my advocate said that is their way of a sisterhood...okay....


2 are left handed,  2 are ambidextrous, and 3 are right handed.

There was mixed reaction from the girls about the board.

Ally and Sammy loved it and are excited to use it.
Tessa is just wondering if she will have to clean it.
sophee and lilly are not thrilled and have reservations.

Sammy is only aware of Ally, and she remembers Lilly from a long time ago.  She is not aware of the others.

I could hear snippets of conversation between sophee and the advocate...which is a surreal feeling....a light headedness like...

Lilly chose the red marker, because she draws a heart for her dot on the "i".
sophee chose purple as that is her favorite color.
Ally chose green, which is her favorite color.
I chose black.
Tessa chose blue, because her eyes are blue.
Sammy used a duplicate color...but the advocate is gonna get her a pink marker...

So,  I can sorta hear conversation between the advocate and sophee.  I can see just behind my right shoulder Lilly hovering.
I can sometimes see Ally playing...like I am looking down a long tube and watching her.
I can feel when sophee is about to front, I get uptight and angry inside and clench my fist.  With Ally, I get a giddy feeling before she fronts.  I get nothing with Tessa or Sammy or Kaos.
However Lilly and sophee cause me headaches when they front, but I don't get headaches with the others.

For the first month, I am only to ask "get to know you" questions on my board.  
Will they answer?  

I am really hoping this experiment with the board will help me to accept and get to know them better.

S

PS  I posted the question: " What color is your hair?" and Sammy wrote back "blonde"...even though Sammy did not respond with a green marker, like her name, her handwriting is very deliberate, so we know this is Sammys answer.

dry erase board

I do not want to have alters anymore.  I wish I could get them to go away.  

I am so insecure, having them.  As if I wasn't insecure enough, and down on myself enough, I have to deal with a mind that is split into 6 different personalities.  Flitting from one to another, causes headaches and fatigue.  It is unnerving.   

Going through my day and only being able to account for a part of it, is freaky.  I have started jotting down everything I do each day.
for example:
   walked
   cleaned house
   played with rats...etc...

that way, even the mundane is listed...if at the end of the day I go through this, it helps me remember doing each of those items...but, if something else was done and not there on my list, my advocate can fill in the missing pieces of my day.   

I am thinking about trying something.  I cannot communicate to my alters at all.  But I believe all of them can read and write, so I wanna start a white board for them.  Like if I have a question I can jot it down, for example:

Sammy:  what is your favorite song?
  maybe she will answer me back, maybe she won't.

But this may be the key in "communicating with them".  My advocate talks with them all the time...I am in the fucking dark, and I hate that.  It feels like they are doing something or telling secrets behind my back, like I really don't matter.   If I can get them to start communicating with me, through a dry erase board, then maybe I can "like" them better.   We tried this once before, a long time ago...and it failed, but I want to try again.   

I feel the only way I will be able to become "at ease or comfortable" with them is if I can talk to them, somehow have some type of control.  

I am gonna ask my Advocate to call out each alter and explain to them about the dry erase board.  When it was done before,(the board) the alters didn't know about it?  don't know, but if my advocate can talk and explain the board, my wishes and needs to communicate with them, maybe they will use the board to speak to me.....then maybe I can see more into their mind and we can integrate better.

So today, I am off to buy a dry erase board and stand.   

S