who is the host?

I usually do not know when another alter is out.  Sometimes they come out so quick, especially with a trigger, that I don't even realize that I switched....You could be talking to "Sparrow" then all the sudden you are talking to "Tessa" and not realize it.  If I am not watching a clock, I don't know that I have been "gone", I don't notice the loss of time...so, to me, switching is normal....and it does not bother me.   But, if I am keeping an eye on the clock, then all the sudden its 30 minutes later,  I can safely bet I was gone...and one of the alters was out, and that is when I feel discombobulated...

When Ally is out and you ask her "where is Sparrow?" she replies, "she is sleeping"....I wonder if all the alters perceive me as sleeping when they are fronting?  There are times when I am feeling tired and I will lay down to take a nap....and an alter may come out then, and yes, I am sleeping....If I wake up from a nap, yet still feel really sleepy or tired, then I can probably guess and alter was out.

There are other times, when I start to feel dazed, confused, faraway, almost trance-like...and when that happens it is usually because an alter is wanting to front or I am disassociating.   This happened last night.  My advocate and I were sitting on the balcony talking...and I started feeling light headed...I looked at the advocate and said "I think I am disassociating"  he was watching me and said, "yes you are"...then all the sudden (at least in my head) we were both standing up by the railing....it appeared that Sammy was wanting out to do whatever it is she does....then after she left, Ally fronted...Ally loves my advocate, she calls him daddy and every time he stays the night, she will put one of her stuffies in the bed with him so he won't be sleeping alone...hahaha...What I found odd with this latest switch, is I don't recall any triggers that would have brought them out.   Sammy is my mute dancer, yet there was no music playing on my balcony...so weird she fronted...and Ally is my little, and fuck, she will front for anything that seems fun or neat or whatever...she is a little kid.  Evidently she was watching the lightening bugs by the creek...

Here is a weird thought, maybe a fear:  I am so afraid that with the alters fronting more and more, becoming more and more comfortable with my new home and the advocate, that they will front more and Sparrow will become less and less....will they try and freeze me out??  Squash me?  Obviously, Tessa handles day to day situations better than Sparrow, and Ally can find things all day long to play with..what happens if my 24 hour day is only 5 or 6 hours of me, Sparrow, and the rest of the waking hours are the others?  

Maybe Sparrow is as much an alter as Tessa, Ally, Sammy, Kaos, Sophie and Lilly...they think of her as an alter...whoever is fronting, I think they think they are the boss...who is the boss?  who is the host?  I use to think, me, sparrow, was the host, the main personality....but now, I am not so sure...fuck..

S