So I don't know what the fuck has been wrong with me the last couple of weeks....there had been a storm cloud, thick and dark covering my mind..but this morning when I got up, I felt clearer...
Yesterday, I sent a text to my husband. The text was meant for my advocate but, dummy me, hit the wrong text address and off it went. I was very upset and the text was not really a good one, in fact I am not even sure what it all said, Sophie may have had a hand in writing that text...anyhow, I have not heard a peep from him about that text. I was mortified and so upset by this, I did not want my husband to find out about my (my relationship) and the alters....not like that! But the damage is done. I do not ever want to hurt my X husband. He does not deserve to be hurt. I am not one of those women who flaunts a relationship with another man to an X. I try and respect everyones feelings...
On the upside....maybe the text mishap was fortuitous. At least now he knows about my relationship and he may even now be wondering what Alter means...I may have said something derogatory about them...it is also proof positive that I have moved on with my life, so he needs to move on with his. I will not be going back to him or Oklahoma ever. Maybe now that he read that text he will see that his GOD is not bringing me back to him.
Then, on the day I sent that text to my husband, I received a package of tomatoes off the vine, his vine. So I received a gift from him and he received a "text" gift from me....When those tomatoes arrived, OMG I felt so bad, so guilty, so sick inside....
You can't imagine the guilt and shame I felt....here he was doing something nice for me, and he is rewarded by an inadvertent nasty text message...I can only surmise what he must be thinking. He also has not responded to the text......
I am not sure what today will bring...with me, there is no fucking telling....I am hoping beyond hope it is a good day...my head is somewhat clearer and I want it to stay that way...It seems my fucking head space is so fragile...it must be maid of fine china....
S
I've just discovered I have D.I.D. Its not easy for me or my alters. As you read these blog entries, some are by me and some are by them. Each one us expressing a moment of joy or frustration as we learn to adapt to our new life and flood of bad memories.
Thursday, July 9, 2020
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