Yesterday, I had Boomer up at the park so he could run around and play and stretch his legs. He went up to a tree, that was by a small creek bed, to sniff the tree. As he was doing that, my head spun and the earth tilted. I got a huge wave of nausea and dizzy. Then as fast as it happened it was gone.
When that happens, it usually means there is a memory trying to come out. Something in that tree was a trigger. But what? I have seen that tree a thousand times as I take Boomer to that park almost daily.
Is one of my alters trying to get me to remember something?
It obviously is not a good memory or I wouldn't have felt sick. So, what now? How many horrible fuck memories can I have? How long will I keep having memories? If these memories are so deeply buried and so bad, then why the fuck after repressing them, do I have to remember now? Why can't I just live in blissful ignorance? Another memory will not cause me to hate my mom or "dad" more...or is the memory different from those?
Have my alters taken memories other than the abuse as a child? I know that I never remember sex, so that memory is taken within 3 days of having sex, and sometimes almost immediately after...but sex is not a bad thing, its not horrible or a nightmare. It is pleasurable and wonderful, so why is the memory taken from me?
And just how much of my forgetfulness is alters and how much is tumors and traumatic brain injury? It is so fucking hard to know which is causing which....the confusion is real.
So, I guess I have another "memory" lurking about. Surely it can't be as bad as the other memories I have written about. but for whatever reason, I blocked the memory and now it is trying to resurface, to what end...I just fucking don't know, but I can't stop the process...the memory is coming...I better prepare for it.
I hate this fucking shit....waiting...like I am on death row waiting for the governor to call with a stay. When will the call come? When will the memory come?
pins and needles.....
S
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