no control

It is hard enough trying to accept myself.  I have to fucking deal with 6 other people in my brain...all jockeying for position, all having their own fuck identities, all confusing me.

Then on top of that bullshit,  I am fucking overweight and I have been running and dieting (1300 calories or less a day) for three weeks.  I had gotten down to 110 and was so happy, this morning I weighed 112.  GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT... so what the fuck am I doing even trying to lose weight and get in shape.  I am too fucking old to even try...

I am an old fucking woman, I am dumpy, and flabby, I am a wrinkled up old hag.  

Why the fuck do I feel so compelled to try and look good?????? who the fuck am I trying to please anyway????  the alters don't give a good goddamn how I look, because they look their own way when seen in a mirror....my advocate does not care one way or another how I look....

So who am I even trying to stay in shape and look good for????
NOBODY....FUCK SPARROW...

Why bother?   I am nothing but a fat pig, who is trying to be something or someone she is not.   I am not a submissive, I suck at that, I am not a girlfriend, I suck at that, shit I am not even a good lover, I suck at that too...I am barely touched anymore...which is fine and dandy with me...I am embarrassed to hell for anyone to see or touch me anyway...even the guy I have been dating does not seem to want to be with me, or touch me...sexually....I can tell because I can't keep him aroused anymore...and that is because my head is so goddamn fucked up and I look like shit
, who the fuck wants to be with me anyway....???  I am such a fucking loser bitch whore....

 I am going to lower my calorie intake to 600 a day.  I am going to starve myself...if I don't start loosing this goddamn fucking weight and soon,  I am going to fuck myself up and go away forever.  

Its hard enough being out of control...I can't control those fucking alters, I can't control my finances, I can't control the spread of tumors, I can't control anything...the only thing I can control is the food I put in my mouth...which from now on is going to be very slight.  I don't fucking care if my blood sugar drops...I don't fucking care anymore....I have to be able to control something about my body...anything....if I have no control I am nothing and might as well be dead and gone.....

S