faking it

Having DID is not easy.  It is extreme confusion.  It distorts my "reality" and blurs my vision.   I often think to myself,  am I faking it?  Am I just looking for attention (like my mom always said to me)do I just have a very vivid imagination?  Can I really have suffered so much abuse that my head split?  Was the abuse real or a figment of my imagination?  ALL THESE THOUGHTS SWIM AROUND MY HEAD, MAKING ME FEEL CONFUSED, ANGRY, SAD, AM I A LIAR??  

I watched a video "Are you faking it" where a lady with DID was so bashed and ridiculed and told she was a fraud that she had to leave her YouTube videos for awhile...She then came back and addressed that very question....

I already have so many doubts and questions in my own head, how will I react when people start saying about me "she is faking it"...Will this crush my already fragile mindset?  

Just seeing my body in pictures, crushed my physical aspect of how I see myself...I can't imagine when I am told my mental aspect is bogus too....I cannot look at pictures of my body anymore, or of my face...what if my mind is crushed too, how will I even be able to think?  

I was told that I have "Bulbar effect"  I think that is what it is called.  Anyhow it is "inappropriate emotional reactions to things"....because of the head injury....blah blah blah

I think I have inappropriate reactions because its not me reacting...it is one of the others reacting in my place,  speaking for me when they should just keep their fucking mouth shut.  One of them is feeling some type of emotion and reacting....but it appears it is me, the dumbshit being overly emotional about something...which makes me feel even more at odd with myself.  And how udderly ridiculous that my advocate has to call out each fucking alter to see what their problem is and try to figure out why I am reacting in a stupid idiotic way.   

I truly should have never been released from the psych hospital.  I should be locked up for ever...I am a mental freak, a menace to myself, a danger to myself...I should be locked up and the key thrown away....

S