distant

Something is different now.  I can't quite put my finger on it, but somehow the dynamic between my advocate and me, is changing.

Past couple of nights, he has been distant, like lost in thought.  I feel like I am in his way.  I always have some sort of "honey do" for him...I wish I was able to do more things myself...I wish I didn't help with anything, ever.

Have I finally done it?  Have I finally exhausted him with my/our neediness?  Is he tiring of me and the mental nightmare of Sparrow?

I can be so fucking hard to deal with...confusing, frustrating, whatever, and I have been so down on myself because of my weight, maybe he just needs a break...

He hardly made conversation with me tonight.  I could tell he just wanted to leave and go home, why he stayed as long as he did is surprising.  I asked him a couple of times "whats wrong" "did I do something" are you "mad at me" "whatcha thinking" and each time he said he was fine...his foot hurt, or he just had a long hard week at work...both truth...but there is something else...

There are so many things I cannot do and I need his help.  He says he likes the sense of accomplishment when he performs a task...in other words, he likes getting it the fuck done so he can go home.   

As I am typing, I am starting to feel my hands tighten up...I know I am trying to disassociate...I need my box,  but then, I need to feel this way,  I need to be punished for demanding too much of my advocate,  because of me, things are changing.  I am ruining everything...I always do...he tells me all I do is" bitch bitch bitch"."you like to complain"..do I?  does it really come across that way??  twice tonight he mimicked me in a not nice way, in a mocking demeaning way...I felt humiliated that I come across or sound that way....

what a loser...can't control my weight, can't control the alters, and can't control my words, cant control my tone of voice, can't fucking do anything right.

She is right, so right...I am a loser in the end.

s