decisions

I have been trying to lose some of this "covid virus" weight gain.  I have been running every morning and counting calories, no more than 1300 calories a day.  

I went from 117 to 110 and I was feeling pretty good about myself.  Finally happen to fit into my clothes comfortably.  

I like to wear "boudoir" clothing, for pictures.  Boots, stockings, corsets, etc...I think those clothes are so sexy and beautiful on women.  I put on one of the outfits and asked my advocate to take some pictures.  So I could see the results of my exercising.

The pictures that were taken,  I was shocked.  I was mortified how I looked.  My legs and ass are still saggy and dimply and gross...in fact my whole body looks gross.  It is weird that in your head you think you look one way or another, then you see pictures and realize you are only deluding yourself.

Anyway I was so upset, I burst into tears and got really down on myself.  Well this aggravated my advocate...He reminded me that I am a 58 yr old woman...I am past the "looking" young and athletic part of my life.   My years of beauty are over....

For 34 yrs I had to dress so fucking conservative.  I had no sexy clothes, I was a dutiful house wife.  I never felt beautiful or sexy, I was a mom with a house and husband and family to take care of, I was not  important.

So I leave, I move away, and I start living for me...I want to be beautiful and sexy and look good in "boudoir" clothes, for me!  But that will never be.   

Again, I was robbed of a life.....and now its too fucking late to even try and be "young and sexy" and that makes me so sad...

I have missed out on so much of life....I was robbed....the alters have robbed me, my fuckwad parents robbed me...my husband robbed me...now time has robbed me....

I made some decisions.  I will no longer be taking any pictures of myself.  Not even face selfies...I do not want to be reminded of my old fucking age by seeing saggy jowl lines, and fat jiggly legs and ass...I am an old woman.  I am a grandmother...I am a senior adult.  

I also left and deactivated all my social media accounts.  That way I will not be tempted to send selfies, or to look at the beautiful women in sexy clothing that are featured....I know I am not a professional model....but at 5'3" 110 pounds, I didn't think I looked that horrendous...but photos don't lie.  I am horrendous.

Maybe I have such a warped sense of body image because each of my alters think "they" look a certain way...so in my head there are 7 people who all look differently in their eyes...so no wonder I am so fucked up in my thinking....I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO FUCKING LOOK LIKE...

All I am sure of right now is this.  I am not fat...but I am not a nice shape either...I mean I look okay in clothes, but without clothes I am a hot mess....gross...with or without make up, I am a hot mess...

Here is something I have noticed:  My advocate tells me over and over how beautiful I am.  When we go to restaurants he makes it a point to look around at all the patrons and will tell me I am the most beautiful girl in the room...so sweet....BUT the only time he tells me I am beautiful is when I dress up, put on make up, nice clothes, do my hair, etc....the times that we are together and I am not wearing make up and have on regular clothes, he never tells me I am beautiful.  NEVER...only when I am dolled up.  He says I have a natural beauty, but he only notices that with the make up and shit....hahahahaha Guys are so full of shit sometimes!  

And its the truth....a girl walks outside with no make up, hair pulled back, jeans and t shirt, or baggy clothes, and she is not noticed...she is not beautiful...but that same girl put on make up, sexy clothes etc and walks outside there are cat calls, whistles and she is told she looks good or pretty or whatever.....

I have horrible self-esteem.  I have a hard time loving myself.  And with people like me,  we feel better about ourselves when others notice.  Maybe that is selfish or self centered,  but I guess that is me.   

I need to look good, for myself,  because my entire fucking life I was about everyone else.  I have been slammed for my size, my boob size , even my husband would tell me at times "you have had a few too many pork chops"  getting alittle chunky...so if I have a body image issue, then I would like to thank my parents, society and my husband.  I would also like to thank Lilly, Ally, Kaos, Sammy, Sophie and Tessa for fucking up my body image with your own looks and confusing me even more....

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO LOOK LIKE:

when the alters look in the mirror, they see red hair, or dark hair, they see tall,  they see short or long hair, they see different color eyes,  they see different bodies....then I look in the mirror and I see yet another different person....MY HEAD IS SO FUCKED.

I am nothing more than a hideous conglomerate of identities all shoved into one parcel.   I am a monster.

S