a life I dread..

Last night or I should say, early this morning, around 3:30 am, I woke up with this poem in my head...so I wrote it down:

It's so quiet,
in my head.
makes me wonder,
if I'm dead.
I have words
waiting to be said,
with a soul
needing to be fed.
Yet, here I lie,
dying in my bed.
afraid to live
with a life that I dread.....

I don't know exactly why these words were in my head...sometimes that is how Poems come to me...a series of words or phrases that snap into my head at all kinds of random times...

I have been doing pretty good, emotionally, I thought, but maybe  my subconscious or one of the alters is not doing so okay...I am not sure of even the trigger to make me write such a dark poem, but there it is...

I will say, yesterday, I was messing with my advocate about his tube socks and tennis shoes, and I took his socks off and tossed them over the balcony...I was just joking and had every intention of going down and picking them up...I was being, I thought, funny...
but, he was not amused, he even got angry and said "I would never throw anything of yours over the balcony"....it is a standing joke with me, when I get frustrated with something I will toss it...the tossing of his sock was "mock fun"....

anyhoo, his reaction shocked me and upset me so much....I feel now that I cannot "mess" with him or joke around with him anymore....and this is not the first time I was "messing with him in fun" and he has put me down....I love being a jokester, I love laughing, but anymore with my advocate, laughing is becoming less and less....

maybe that was the trigger that put those words in my head...I did feel rejected, offended and hurt by his reaction...I also felt confused...he knows I am sarcastic and have a dark humor, so it confused me his reaction...now I have to rethink my "humor" and my timing.

My advocate watches me and studies me, I guess I need to start doing the same with him, I obviously cannot read him.  

But this I do know, I will no longer tease him about anything, his clothing, his car, his cat, whatever.  I will be serious and mature, but I hope the alters follow my lead...

S