Despite having a head full of people, I am lonely.
I am lonely in that crowded room.
No one speaks to me, in that room
they speak for me, as if I don't exist.
One is playful, she plays for me
because I cannot play...
One is dutiful, she organizes and manages my day,
because I am not able too
One punish's me, because I am a bad person
One ignores me, as she is mute.
One babysits me, when I am scared,
because I am a big baby.
One takes my body, and uses it for her pleasure,
leaving me alone and wanting...
All these people in my head,
working together to rid me of me.
a coop of enemy combatants, seeking to overthrow
my presence.
To all of them, I am unworthy, stupid, ignorant, and useless.
If this were not so, then they would not be in my head...they would not have jobs to do...they would not exist.
But because they are all in my head,
they do exist, this just proves I am broken non-person. A real person would not need alters to navigate a day...
A real person plays, loves, works, and experiences joy and a sense of accomplishment....
A non-person has to rely on others to do those activities for her.
Take away the alters, the 6 people in my brain, and sparrow is nothing but flesh and bones with a pathetic beating heart....
A lonely fragment of a human.
s
Sunday, July 26, 2020
pins and needles
Yesterday, I had Boomer up at the park so he could run around and play and stretch his legs. He went up to a tree, that was by a small creek bed, to sniff the tree. As he was doing that, my head spun and the earth tilted. I got a huge wave of nausea and dizzy. Then as fast as it happened it was gone.
When that happens, it usually means there is a memory trying to come out. Something in that tree was a trigger. But what? I have seen that tree a thousand times as I take Boomer to that park almost daily.
Is one of my alters trying to get me to remember something?
It obviously is not a good memory or I wouldn't have felt sick. So, what now? How many horrible fuck memories can I have? How long will I keep having memories? If these memories are so deeply buried and so bad, then why the fuck after repressing them, do I have to remember now? Why can't I just live in blissful ignorance? Another memory will not cause me to hate my mom or "dad" more...or is the memory different from those?
Have my alters taken memories other than the abuse as a child? I know that I never remember sex, so that memory is taken within 3 days of having sex, and sometimes almost immediately after...but sex is not a bad thing, its not horrible or a nightmare. It is pleasurable and wonderful, so why is the memory taken from me?
And just how much of my forgetfulness is alters and how much is tumors and traumatic brain injury? It is so fucking hard to know which is causing which....the confusion is real.
So, I guess I have another "memory" lurking about. Surely it can't be as bad as the other memories I have written about. but for whatever reason, I blocked the memory and now it is trying to resurface, to what end...I just fucking don't know, but I can't stop the process...the memory is coming...I better prepare for it.
I hate this fucking shit....waiting...like I am on death row waiting for the governor to call with a stay. When will the call come? When will the memory come?
pins and needles.....
S
When that happens, it usually means there is a memory trying to come out. Something in that tree was a trigger. But what? I have seen that tree a thousand times as I take Boomer to that park almost daily.
Is one of my alters trying to get me to remember something?
It obviously is not a good memory or I wouldn't have felt sick. So, what now? How many horrible fuck memories can I have? How long will I keep having memories? If these memories are so deeply buried and so bad, then why the fuck after repressing them, do I have to remember now? Why can't I just live in blissful ignorance? Another memory will not cause me to hate my mom or "dad" more...or is the memory different from those?
Have my alters taken memories other than the abuse as a child? I know that I never remember sex, so that memory is taken within 3 days of having sex, and sometimes almost immediately after...but sex is not a bad thing, its not horrible or a nightmare. It is pleasurable and wonderful, so why is the memory taken from me?
And just how much of my forgetfulness is alters and how much is tumors and traumatic brain injury? It is so fucking hard to know which is causing which....the confusion is real.
So, I guess I have another "memory" lurking about. Surely it can't be as bad as the other memories I have written about. but for whatever reason, I blocked the memory and now it is trying to resurface, to what end...I just fucking don't know, but I can't stop the process...the memory is coming...I better prepare for it.
I hate this fucking shit....waiting...like I am on death row waiting for the governor to call with a stay. When will the call come? When will the memory come?
pins and needles.....
S
Wednesday, July 22, 2020
who is the host?
I usually do not know when another alter is out. Sometimes they come out so quick, especially with a trigger, that I don't even realize that I switched....You could be talking to "Sparrow" then all the sudden you are talking to "Tessa" and not realize it. If I am not watching a clock, I don't know that I have been "gone", I don't notice the loss of time...so, to me, switching is normal....and it does not bother me. But, if I am keeping an eye on the clock, then all the sudden its 30 minutes later, I can safely bet I was gone...and one of the alters was out, and that is when I feel discombobulated...
When Ally is out and you ask her "where is Sparrow?" she replies, "she is sleeping"....I wonder if all the alters perceive me as sleeping when they are fronting? There are times when I am feeling tired and I will lay down to take a nap....and an alter may come out then, and yes, I am sleeping....If I wake up from a nap, yet still feel really sleepy or tired, then I can probably guess and alter was out.
There are other times, when I start to feel dazed, confused, faraway, almost trance-like...and when that happens it is usually because an alter is wanting to front or I am disassociating. This happened last night. My advocate and I were sitting on the balcony talking...and I started feeling light headed...I looked at the advocate and said "I think I am disassociating" he was watching me and said, "yes you are"...then all the sudden (at least in my head) we were both standing up by the railing....it appeared that Sammy was wanting out to do whatever it is she does....then after she left, Ally fronted...Ally loves my advocate, she calls him daddy and every time he stays the night, she will put one of her stuffies in the bed with him so he won't be sleeping alone...hahaha...What I found odd with this latest switch, is I don't recall any triggers that would have brought them out. Sammy is my mute dancer, yet there was no music playing on my balcony...so weird she fronted...and Ally is my little, and fuck, she will front for anything that seems fun or neat or whatever...she is a little kid. Evidently she was watching the lightening bugs by the creek...
Here is a weird thought, maybe a fear: I am so afraid that with the alters fronting more and more, becoming more and more comfortable with my new home and the advocate, that they will front more and Sparrow will become less and less....will they try and freeze me out?? Squash me? Obviously, Tessa handles day to day situations better than Sparrow, and Ally can find things all day long to play with..what happens if my 24 hour day is only 5 or 6 hours of me, Sparrow, and the rest of the waking hours are the others?
Maybe Sparrow is as much an alter as Tessa, Ally, Sammy, Kaos, Sophie and Lilly...they think of her as an alter...whoever is fronting, I think they think they are the boss...who is the boss? who is the host? I use to think, me, sparrow, was the host, the main personality....but now, I am not so sure...fuck..
S
When Ally is out and you ask her "where is Sparrow?" she replies, "she is sleeping"....I wonder if all the alters perceive me as sleeping when they are fronting? There are times when I am feeling tired and I will lay down to take a nap....and an alter may come out then, and yes, I am sleeping....If I wake up from a nap, yet still feel really sleepy or tired, then I can probably guess and alter was out.
There are other times, when I start to feel dazed, confused, faraway, almost trance-like...and when that happens it is usually because an alter is wanting to front or I am disassociating. This happened last night. My advocate and I were sitting on the balcony talking...and I started feeling light headed...I looked at the advocate and said "I think I am disassociating" he was watching me and said, "yes you are"...then all the sudden (at least in my head) we were both standing up by the railing....it appeared that Sammy was wanting out to do whatever it is she does....then after she left, Ally fronted...Ally loves my advocate, she calls him daddy and every time he stays the night, she will put one of her stuffies in the bed with him so he won't be sleeping alone...hahaha...What I found odd with this latest switch, is I don't recall any triggers that would have brought them out. Sammy is my mute dancer, yet there was no music playing on my balcony...so weird she fronted...and Ally is my little, and fuck, she will front for anything that seems fun or neat or whatever...she is a little kid. Evidently she was watching the lightening bugs by the creek...
Here is a weird thought, maybe a fear: I am so afraid that with the alters fronting more and more, becoming more and more comfortable with my new home and the advocate, that they will front more and Sparrow will become less and less....will they try and freeze me out?? Squash me? Obviously, Tessa handles day to day situations better than Sparrow, and Ally can find things all day long to play with..what happens if my 24 hour day is only 5 or 6 hours of me, Sparrow, and the rest of the waking hours are the others?
Maybe Sparrow is as much an alter as Tessa, Ally, Sammy, Kaos, Sophie and Lilly...they think of her as an alter...whoever is fronting, I think they think they are the boss...who is the boss? who is the host? I use to think, me, sparrow, was the host, the main personality....but now, I am not so sure...fuck..
S
Sunday, July 19, 2020
a life I dread..
Last night or I should say, early this morning, around 3:30 am, I woke up with this poem in my head...so I wrote it down:
It's so quiet,
in my head.
makes me wonder,
if I'm dead.
I have words
waiting to be said,
with a soul
needing to be fed.
Yet, here I lie,
dying in my bed.
afraid to live
with a life that I dread.....
I don't know exactly why these words were in my head...sometimes that is how Poems come to me...a series of words or phrases that snap into my head at all kinds of random times...
I have been doing pretty good, emotionally, I thought, but maybe my subconscious or one of the alters is not doing so okay...I am not sure of even the trigger to make me write such a dark poem, but there it is...
I will say, yesterday, I was messing with my advocate about his tube socks and tennis shoes, and I took his socks off and tossed them over the balcony...I was just joking and had every intention of going down and picking them up...I was being, I thought, funny...
but, he was not amused, he even got angry and said "I would never throw anything of yours over the balcony"....it is a standing joke with me, when I get frustrated with something I will toss it...the tossing of his sock was "mock fun"....
anyhoo, his reaction shocked me and upset me so much....I feel now that I cannot "mess" with him or joke around with him anymore....and this is not the first time I was "messing with him in fun" and he has put me down....I love being a jokester, I love laughing, but anymore with my advocate, laughing is becoming less and less....
maybe that was the trigger that put those words in my head...I did feel rejected, offended and hurt by his reaction...I also felt confused...he knows I am sarcastic and have a dark humor, so it confused me his reaction...now I have to rethink my "humor" and my timing.
My advocate watches me and studies me, I guess I need to start doing the same with him, I obviously cannot read him.
But this I do know, I will no longer tease him about anything, his clothing, his car, his cat, whatever. I will be serious and mature, but I hope the alters follow my lead...
S
It's so quiet,
in my head.
makes me wonder,
if I'm dead.
I have words
waiting to be said,
with a soul
needing to be fed.
Yet, here I lie,
dying in my bed.
afraid to live
with a life that I dread.....
I don't know exactly why these words were in my head...sometimes that is how Poems come to me...a series of words or phrases that snap into my head at all kinds of random times...
I have been doing pretty good, emotionally, I thought, but maybe my subconscious or one of the alters is not doing so okay...I am not sure of even the trigger to make me write such a dark poem, but there it is...
I will say, yesterday, I was messing with my advocate about his tube socks and tennis shoes, and I took his socks off and tossed them over the balcony...I was just joking and had every intention of going down and picking them up...I was being, I thought, funny...
but, he was not amused, he even got angry and said "I would never throw anything of yours over the balcony"....it is a standing joke with me, when I get frustrated with something I will toss it...the tossing of his sock was "mock fun"....
anyhoo, his reaction shocked me and upset me so much....I feel now that I cannot "mess" with him or joke around with him anymore....and this is not the first time I was "messing with him in fun" and he has put me down....I love being a jokester, I love laughing, but anymore with my advocate, laughing is becoming less and less....
maybe that was the trigger that put those words in my head...I did feel rejected, offended and hurt by his reaction...I also felt confused...he knows I am sarcastic and have a dark humor, so it confused me his reaction...now I have to rethink my "humor" and my timing.
My advocate watches me and studies me, I guess I need to start doing the same with him, I obviously cannot read him.
But this I do know, I will no longer tease him about anything, his clothing, his car, his cat, whatever. I will be serious and mature, but I hope the alters follow my lead...
S
Wednesday, July 15, 2020
Sophie birth
So, so much that I blog about is doom and gloom....depression is my muse, most of my poems were written while in the grip of the emotion of depression. I will try and write more about possible happy things and emotions as I have them....but for now, I need to write another memory.
My advocate knows when Ally, Kaos and Lilly were "born" into my head, but he does not know Tessa or Sophie or Sammy where "born"....but, the other day, I had another bad spell, mentally, and Sophie was out, smoking (she smokes cigarettes) and my advocate asked her when she was "born"...here is her answer:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl was in the kitchen with her mother, she did something ( do not remember what) but it pissed off her mother. Her mother picked up a kitchen item (again, don't remember what) and began hitting the little girl about the head, neck and shoulders...the little girl crouched up on the floor and was crying, trying to protect herself against the blows....at some point during the constant blows by the mother, the little girl snapped inside.....she jumped up and started fighting back...she hit her mom, grabbed at the item her mother had in her hand and hit the mom with it, she kicked her mom, she bit her mom, and she fought and bit and screamed until the mother stopped hitting her....at the point of her emotional snap....Sophie emerged. Sophie is her body guard, the one who physically fights for her, Sophie is big as life and very tough...nothing hurts Sophie...Sophie does not allow anyone to hurt or demean the little girl again....Sophie will fight...Sophie has been my fighter alter my entire life.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the scheme of things, the "birth" of Sophie was not that bad of an event. As a child, I had been hurt way worse than the day my mom hit me in the kitchen....but Sophie must have been building in strength and that day in the kitchen was when she was big enough to start fighting back....my mom never hit me like that again....I scared her, with my violent attack on her.....I do not know how old I was when all this happened, but it was between the age of 5 and 8, I am sure...
So what we know for sure:
Kaos: was born when I witnessed my dad raping my mother.
Sophie: when my mother was hitting me in the kitchen
Ally: was used for bait, to keep her sister and brother safe, to take the blame for everything...Ally is also my stress relief....as she loves to play with her dolls and color and draw horses...
Lilly: started as a chrissy doll...she was my protector, my sentinel if you will. She absorbed the pain, that I endured growing up, whether it was physical, mental or emotional...Lilly can take physical pain in order that I (Sparrow) don't hurt. She also holds memories...Lilly is 30 yrs old.
I am not sure when Tessa was born. Tessa mimicks me. She fronts all the time as Sparrow and only the keen eye can tell us apart. I believe that Tessa was born to help me navigate adulthood and parenthood...She drives, cooks, cleans and interacts with others (and the others think it is Sparrow). She is smart, went to college. She, I believe, gives my head rest...when I am overwhelmed or confused or over tired, she takes over and finishes my tasks or day so I can rest...
I am not sure when Sammy was born either. But all Sammy is is my rest. Sammy is stress relief, she loves music and dances. She does not speak at all, but uses sign language to communicate, even though she can hear. Often times a hand was held over her mouth to keep her quiet during assaults. I believe she was born after a deaf friend I had when I was very small...my friend (I am gonna call Sylvia) came over to visit, and her and I would be very quiet, and she would sign to me and me back...Sammy is very quiet, modest and easy.
all of these girls/alters help me traverse my day, my life. They are part of the mechanism of my brain....they are permanent.
S
My advocate knows when Ally, Kaos and Lilly were "born" into my head, but he does not know Tessa or Sophie or Sammy where "born"....but, the other day, I had another bad spell, mentally, and Sophie was out, smoking (she smokes cigarettes) and my advocate asked her when she was "born"...here is her answer:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl was in the kitchen with her mother, she did something ( do not remember what) but it pissed off her mother. Her mother picked up a kitchen item (again, don't remember what) and began hitting the little girl about the head, neck and shoulders...the little girl crouched up on the floor and was crying, trying to protect herself against the blows....at some point during the constant blows by the mother, the little girl snapped inside.....she jumped up and started fighting back...she hit her mom, grabbed at the item her mother had in her hand and hit the mom with it, she kicked her mom, she bit her mom, and she fought and bit and screamed until the mother stopped hitting her....at the point of her emotional snap....Sophie emerged. Sophie is her body guard, the one who physically fights for her, Sophie is big as life and very tough...nothing hurts Sophie...Sophie does not allow anyone to hurt or demean the little girl again....Sophie will fight...Sophie has been my fighter alter my entire life.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the scheme of things, the "birth" of Sophie was not that bad of an event. As a child, I had been hurt way worse than the day my mom hit me in the kitchen....but Sophie must have been building in strength and that day in the kitchen was when she was big enough to start fighting back....my mom never hit me like that again....I scared her, with my violent attack on her.....I do not know how old I was when all this happened, but it was between the age of 5 and 8, I am sure...
So what we know for sure:
Kaos: was born when I witnessed my dad raping my mother.
Sophie: when my mother was hitting me in the kitchen
Ally: was used for bait, to keep her sister and brother safe, to take the blame for everything...Ally is also my stress relief....as she loves to play with her dolls and color and draw horses...
Lilly: started as a chrissy doll...she was my protector, my sentinel if you will. She absorbed the pain, that I endured growing up, whether it was physical, mental or emotional...Lilly can take physical pain in order that I (Sparrow) don't hurt. She also holds memories...Lilly is 30 yrs old.
I am not sure when Tessa was born. Tessa mimicks me. She fronts all the time as Sparrow and only the keen eye can tell us apart. I believe that Tessa was born to help me navigate adulthood and parenthood...She drives, cooks, cleans and interacts with others (and the others think it is Sparrow). She is smart, went to college. She, I believe, gives my head rest...when I am overwhelmed or confused or over tired, she takes over and finishes my tasks or day so I can rest...
I am not sure when Sammy was born either. But all Sammy is is my rest. Sammy is stress relief, she loves music and dances. She does not speak at all, but uses sign language to communicate, even though she can hear. Often times a hand was held over her mouth to keep her quiet during assaults. I believe she was born after a deaf friend I had when I was very small...my friend (I am gonna call Sylvia) came over to visit, and her and I would be very quiet, and she would sign to me and me back...Sammy is very quiet, modest and easy.
all of these girls/alters help me traverse my day, my life. They are part of the mechanism of my brain....they are permanent.
S
PS. My advocate talked with Sophee and asked her basically when she was born...we figured it was when the incident happened as described above. Sophee told the advocate that she was there before that happened. That was the first time she fought someone other than myself back. Also Sophee does not know how old she is, the alters have no concept of time...
Saturday, July 11, 2020
Kayaking
Since moving to Virginia, one of my most favorite activities is Kayaking. The first time my advocate took me kayaking, I was so nervous and a little bit scared...but I caught on pretty quickly. Now, I love kayaking. We have, so far Kayaked the Roanoke river, Carvins Cove and Smith Mountain Lake. I can't wait till we hit the James river!
Boomer goes Kayaking with us too. He loves running around the lake and going exploring in the woods...The more he kayaks with me the better he is actually on the kayak. I love taking him with us.
The other day we kayaked the river. I saw baby beavers or otters, tons of turtles, geese, ducks, snakes. deer, bunnies...you see so much nature along a river...I love it, and evidently so does Ally. She presents alot on the kayak, and she is quite good stirring the kayak by herself...she even went on some river rapids, she/we got soaked, but she had a blast. My advocate keeps a close eye on her, as she is only around 6 yrs old...the other alters really don't care one way or another about Kayaking. In the beginning, Lilly was not thrilled with the Kayak, but my advocate talked with her and even gave her a lesson, in case SHE has to operate the kayak for some reason...
There is nothing more relaxing that floating along a river or floating in a lake....the water rocking the kayak is so soothing...
I also love hiking, and so does Boomer...we go hiking alot, there are so many mountain trails and lake trails...Hiking is also very relaxing and soothing....
And there's nothing like a rain storm, while you are on the lake...but at the same time, its fun to run from showers!!! even though I end up looking like a wet dog, haha...
Boomer goes Kayaking with us too. He loves running around the lake and going exploring in the woods...The more he kayaks with me the better he is actually on the kayak. I love taking him with us.
The other day we kayaked the river. I saw baby beavers or otters, tons of turtles, geese, ducks, snakes. deer, bunnies...you see so much nature along a river...I love it, and evidently so does Ally. She presents alot on the kayak, and she is quite good stirring the kayak by herself...she even went on some river rapids, she/we got soaked, but she had a blast. My advocate keeps a close eye on her, as she is only around 6 yrs old...the other alters really don't care one way or another about Kayaking. In the beginning, Lilly was not thrilled with the Kayak, but my advocate talked with her and even gave her a lesson, in case SHE has to operate the kayak for some reason...
There is nothing more relaxing that floating along a river or floating in a lake....the water rocking the kayak is so soothing...
I also love hiking, and so does Boomer...we go hiking alot, there are so many mountain trails and lake trails...Hiking is also very relaxing and soothing....
And there's nothing like a rain storm, while you are on the lake...but at the same time, its fun to run from showers!!! even though I end up looking like a wet dog, haha...
Thursday, July 9, 2020
the text
So I don't know what the fuck has been wrong with me the last couple of weeks....there had been a storm cloud, thick and dark covering my mind..but this morning when I got up, I felt clearer...
Yesterday, I sent a text to my husband. The text was meant for my advocate but, dummy me, hit the wrong text address and off it went. I was very upset and the text was not really a good one, in fact I am not even sure what it all said, Sophie may have had a hand in writing that text...anyhow, I have not heard a peep from him about that text. I was mortified and so upset by this, I did not want my husband to find out about my (my relationship) and the alters....not like that! But the damage is done. I do not ever want to hurt my X husband. He does not deserve to be hurt. I am not one of those women who flaunts a relationship with another man to an X. I try and respect everyones feelings...
On the upside....maybe the text mishap was fortuitous. At least now he knows about my relationship and he may even now be wondering what Alter means...I may have said something derogatory about them...it is also proof positive that I have moved on with my life, so he needs to move on with his. I will not be going back to him or Oklahoma ever. Maybe now that he read that text he will see that his GOD is not bringing me back to him.
Then, on the day I sent that text to my husband, I received a package of tomatoes off the vine, his vine. So I received a gift from him and he received a "text" gift from me....When those tomatoes arrived, OMG I felt so bad, so guilty, so sick inside....
You can't imagine the guilt and shame I felt....here he was doing something nice for me, and he is rewarded by an inadvertent nasty text message...I can only surmise what he must be thinking. He also has not responded to the text......
I am not sure what today will bring...with me, there is no fucking telling....I am hoping beyond hope it is a good day...my head is somewhat clearer and I want it to stay that way...It seems my fucking head space is so fragile...it must be maid of fine china....
S
Yesterday, I sent a text to my husband. The text was meant for my advocate but, dummy me, hit the wrong text address and off it went. I was very upset and the text was not really a good one, in fact I am not even sure what it all said, Sophie may have had a hand in writing that text...anyhow, I have not heard a peep from him about that text. I was mortified and so upset by this, I did not want my husband to find out about my (my relationship) and the alters....not like that! But the damage is done. I do not ever want to hurt my X husband. He does not deserve to be hurt. I am not one of those women who flaunts a relationship with another man to an X. I try and respect everyones feelings...
On the upside....maybe the text mishap was fortuitous. At least now he knows about my relationship and he may even now be wondering what Alter means...I may have said something derogatory about them...it is also proof positive that I have moved on with my life, so he needs to move on with his. I will not be going back to him or Oklahoma ever. Maybe now that he read that text he will see that his GOD is not bringing me back to him.
Then, on the day I sent that text to my husband, I received a package of tomatoes off the vine, his vine. So I received a gift from him and he received a "text" gift from me....When those tomatoes arrived, OMG I felt so bad, so guilty, so sick inside....
You can't imagine the guilt and shame I felt....here he was doing something nice for me, and he is rewarded by an inadvertent nasty text message...I can only surmise what he must be thinking. He also has not responded to the text......
I am not sure what today will bring...with me, there is no fucking telling....I am hoping beyond hope it is a good day...my head is somewhat clearer and I want it to stay that way...It seems my fucking head space is so fragile...it must be maid of fine china....
S
Tuesday, July 7, 2020
distant
Something is different now. I can't quite put my finger on it, but somehow the dynamic between my advocate and me, is changing.
Past couple of nights, he has been distant, like lost in thought. I feel like I am in his way. I always have some sort of "honey do" for him...I wish I was able to do more things myself...I wish I didn't help with anything, ever.
Have I finally done it? Have I finally exhausted him with my/our neediness? Is he tiring of me and the mental nightmare of Sparrow?
I can be so fucking hard to deal with...confusing, frustrating, whatever, and I have been so down on myself because of my weight, maybe he just needs a break...
He hardly made conversation with me tonight. I could tell he just wanted to leave and go home, why he stayed as long as he did is surprising. I asked him a couple of times "whats wrong" "did I do something" are you "mad at me" "whatcha thinking" and each time he said he was fine...his foot hurt, or he just had a long hard week at work...both truth...but there is something else...
There are so many things I cannot do and I need his help. He says he likes the sense of accomplishment when he performs a task...in other words, he likes getting it the fuck done so he can go home.
As I am typing, I am starting to feel my hands tighten up...I know I am trying to disassociate...I need my box, but then, I need to feel this way, I need to be punished for demanding too much of my advocate, because of me, things are changing. I am ruining everything...I always do...he tells me all I do is" bitch bitch bitch"."you like to complain"..do I? does it really come across that way?? twice tonight he mimicked me in a not nice way, in a mocking demeaning way...I felt humiliated that I come across or sound that way....
what a loser...can't control my weight, can't control the alters, and can't control my words, cant control my tone of voice, can't fucking do anything right.
She is right, so right...I am a loser in the end.
s
Past couple of nights, he has been distant, like lost in thought. I feel like I am in his way. I always have some sort of "honey do" for him...I wish I was able to do more things myself...I wish I didn't help with anything, ever.
Have I finally done it? Have I finally exhausted him with my/our neediness? Is he tiring of me and the mental nightmare of Sparrow?
I can be so fucking hard to deal with...confusing, frustrating, whatever, and I have been so down on myself because of my weight, maybe he just needs a break...
He hardly made conversation with me tonight. I could tell he just wanted to leave and go home, why he stayed as long as he did is surprising. I asked him a couple of times "whats wrong" "did I do something" are you "mad at me" "whatcha thinking" and each time he said he was fine...his foot hurt, or he just had a long hard week at work...both truth...but there is something else...
There are so many things I cannot do and I need his help. He says he likes the sense of accomplishment when he performs a task...in other words, he likes getting it the fuck done so he can go home.
As I am typing, I am starting to feel my hands tighten up...I know I am trying to disassociate...I need my box, but then, I need to feel this way, I need to be punished for demanding too much of my advocate, because of me, things are changing. I am ruining everything...I always do...he tells me all I do is" bitch bitch bitch"."you like to complain"..do I? does it really come across that way?? twice tonight he mimicked me in a not nice way, in a mocking demeaning way...I felt humiliated that I come across or sound that way....
what a loser...can't control my weight, can't control the alters, and can't control my words, cant control my tone of voice, can't fucking do anything right.
She is right, so right...I am a loser in the end.
s
Sunday, July 5, 2020
drunks
So yesterday, my advocate and I went to a friends place for a barbecue for the 4th of July. Ordinarily I like his friend and have enjoyed my time there. However, soon as we walked into his place and sat down, the friend looked at me and said "who am I talking to today?" or something like that, a joke about my DID. It unnerved me so bad, immediately Lilly was standing at my shoulder...
I decided to blow it off, after all, if I am going to be open about my condition, then I need to take the comments....He was not trying to be rude or make fun of me...he was just being a smart ass...
We were in the kitchen and he was slicing stuff for the burgers and I went in to help, I asked him where the knives were and he all the sudden got angry and started saying "I can't multi task" blah blah blah...he kept going on and on about me bugging him, so I left the kitchen.
Then he got really rude to another guest that was there, he talked down to and belittled this gentleman. Also, he was getting very drunk. I tried like 3 or 4 times to contribute to a conversation but was repeatedly cut off and ignored. Not just by the friend, but even the advocate...so I sat back and just listened to them talk....
The drunker the friend got, the more uncomfortable I got...he was really starting to piss me off, so I told the advocate that I needed to leave....after a bit, the advocate and I left. The drunk friend was starting to make me think about my ass hole stepdad who abused me...he was reminding me of him and I was getting more and more uneasy...
I also felt so bad for the other guy that was being "bullied" by the friend. But that guy took it in stride, he must be use to it. whatever...I wasn't having one bit of it. This friend was being an asshole and a colossal jerk. Ordinarily the friend is nice and fun, but once he starts drinking he became a jerk. In fact, we got there early and he was already three sheets to the wind....what a host!
I cannot stand being around drunks. Especially white fat men who are drunk...too similar to my step dad, creepy and gross...I don't know if I ever want to be around the advocates friend again.
The friends behavior so unnerved me, later that night as I was sleeping I had a horrible dream. I have not had nightmares or terrors in over a year...so this dream freaked me out.
In the dream...
I was sitting at the dinner table, drawing horses on paper...and he came home. The front door opened and I could smell the peanuts before his head cleared the door way. He was home. He was yelling and walking towards me, in the dream I had trouble grabbing my pictures, it was like they were glued to the table top, and he was walking towards me, in the dream I was so scared...Then he said "look at me" and when I looked up into his face, it was not my step dad, but the advocates friends face I saw.
I jerked awake.
I cannot be around this friend anymore if he is drinking and or drunk. He is too much a reminder of the fuck that abused me....
and I struggle enough trying to navigate this mental condition I have without having to fight horrible memories brought on by some drunk...
Anyhow, my advocate took care of the situation and he got me out of there and nobody knew the real truth as to why we left....good.
S
I decided to blow it off, after all, if I am going to be open about my condition, then I need to take the comments....He was not trying to be rude or make fun of me...he was just being a smart ass...
We were in the kitchen and he was slicing stuff for the burgers and I went in to help, I asked him where the knives were and he all the sudden got angry and started saying "I can't multi task" blah blah blah...he kept going on and on about me bugging him, so I left the kitchen.
Then he got really rude to another guest that was there, he talked down to and belittled this gentleman. Also, he was getting very drunk. I tried like 3 or 4 times to contribute to a conversation but was repeatedly cut off and ignored. Not just by the friend, but even the advocate...so I sat back and just listened to them talk....
The drunker the friend got, the more uncomfortable I got...he was really starting to piss me off, so I told the advocate that I needed to leave....after a bit, the advocate and I left. The drunk friend was starting to make me think about my ass hole stepdad who abused me...he was reminding me of him and I was getting more and more uneasy...
I also felt so bad for the other guy that was being "bullied" by the friend. But that guy took it in stride, he must be use to it. whatever...I wasn't having one bit of it. This friend was being an asshole and a colossal jerk. Ordinarily the friend is nice and fun, but once he starts drinking he became a jerk. In fact, we got there early and he was already three sheets to the wind....what a host!
I cannot stand being around drunks. Especially white fat men who are drunk...too similar to my step dad, creepy and gross...I don't know if I ever want to be around the advocates friend again.
The friends behavior so unnerved me, later that night as I was sleeping I had a horrible dream. I have not had nightmares or terrors in over a year...so this dream freaked me out.
In the dream...
I was sitting at the dinner table, drawing horses on paper...and he came home. The front door opened and I could smell the peanuts before his head cleared the door way. He was home. He was yelling and walking towards me, in the dream I had trouble grabbing my pictures, it was like they were glued to the table top, and he was walking towards me, in the dream I was so scared...Then he said "look at me" and when I looked up into his face, it was not my step dad, but the advocates friends face I saw.
I jerked awake.
I cannot be around this friend anymore if he is drinking and or drunk. He is too much a reminder of the fuck that abused me....
and I struggle enough trying to navigate this mental condition I have without having to fight horrible memories brought on by some drunk...
Anyhow, my advocate took care of the situation and he got me out of there and nobody knew the real truth as to why we left....good.
S
Saturday, July 4, 2020
no control
It is hard enough trying to accept myself. I have to fucking deal with 6 other people in my brain...all jockeying for position, all having their own fuck identities, all confusing me.
Then on top of that bullshit, I am fucking overweight and I have been running and dieting (1300 calories or less a day) for three weeks. I had gotten down to 110 and was so happy, this morning I weighed 112. GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT... so what the fuck am I doing even trying to lose weight and get in shape. I am too fucking old to even try...
I am an old fucking woman, I am dumpy, and flabby, I am a wrinkled up old hag.
Why the fuck do I feel so compelled to try and look good?????? who the fuck am I trying to please anyway???? the alters don't give a good goddamn how I look, because they look their own way when seen in a mirror....my advocate does not care one way or another how I look....
So who am I even trying to stay in shape and look good for????
NOBODY....FUCK SPARROW...
Why bother? I am nothing but a fat pig, who is trying to be something or someone she is not. I am not a submissive, I suck at that, I am not a girlfriend, I suck at that, shit I am not even a good lover, I suck at that too...I am barely touched anymore...which is fine and dandy with me...I am embarrassed to hell for anyone to see or touch me anyway...even the guy I have been dating does not seem to want to be with me, or touch me...sexually....I can tell because I can't keep him aroused anymore...and that is because my head is so goddamn fucked up and I look like shit
, who the fuck wants to be with me anyway....??? I am such a fucking loser bitch whore....
I am going to lower my calorie intake to 600 a day. I am going to starve myself...if I don't start loosing this goddamn fucking weight and soon, I am going to fuck myself up and go away forever.
Its hard enough being out of control...I can't control those fucking alters, I can't control my finances, I can't control the spread of tumors, I can't control anything...the only thing I can control is the food I put in my mouth...which from now on is going to be very slight. I don't fucking care if my blood sugar drops...I don't fucking care anymore....I have to be able to control something about my body...anything....if I have no control I am nothing and might as well be dead and gone.....
S
Then on top of that bullshit, I am fucking overweight and I have been running and dieting (1300 calories or less a day) for three weeks. I had gotten down to 110 and was so happy, this morning I weighed 112. GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT... so what the fuck am I doing even trying to lose weight and get in shape. I am too fucking old to even try...
I am an old fucking woman, I am dumpy, and flabby, I am a wrinkled up old hag.
Why the fuck do I feel so compelled to try and look good?????? who the fuck am I trying to please anyway???? the alters don't give a good goddamn how I look, because they look their own way when seen in a mirror....my advocate does not care one way or another how I look....
So who am I even trying to stay in shape and look good for????
NOBODY....FUCK SPARROW...
Why bother? I am nothing but a fat pig, who is trying to be something or someone she is not. I am not a submissive, I suck at that, I am not a girlfriend, I suck at that, shit I am not even a good lover, I suck at that too...I am barely touched anymore...which is fine and dandy with me...I am embarrassed to hell for anyone to see or touch me anyway...even the guy I have been dating does not seem to want to be with me, or touch me...sexually....I can tell because I can't keep him aroused anymore...and that is because my head is so goddamn fucked up and I look like shit
, who the fuck wants to be with me anyway....??? I am such a fucking loser bitch whore....
I am going to lower my calorie intake to 600 a day. I am going to starve myself...if I don't start loosing this goddamn fucking weight and soon, I am going to fuck myself up and go away forever.
Its hard enough being out of control...I can't control those fucking alters, I can't control my finances, I can't control the spread of tumors, I can't control anything...the only thing I can control is the food I put in my mouth...which from now on is going to be very slight. I don't fucking care if my blood sugar drops...I don't fucking care anymore....I have to be able to control something about my body...anything....if I have no control I am nothing and might as well be dead and gone.....
S
train tracks
Her mom had twin sisters. Those sisters are 10 yrs older than her. They had kids, my cousins. Their youngest kids were about 5 yrs older than me...So I was around 5 yrs younger than them, and they loved to pick on me, bully me...
My cousin, Paul, and cousin Patricia, would only talk in pig latin around me, because I could not understand what they were saying. They use to laugh at me and tease me.
My aunt lived in a very small town in NM. They had a horse, and a line of hay bales. She also lived with the railroad track running just behind her house. Whenever a train would go by, usually up to 4 a day, her house would shake and rumble...it use to scare the little girl to death until she got use to it.
One day, the mom and her kids went to visit her sister in the small NM town. The dad did not go. The little girl took her Chrissy doll to play with because she knew the other kids would not play with her. She was outside by the hay bales playing. The cousins came up and started talking in the pig latin. She did not understand, so she told them to leave her alone. One of them grabbed her Chrissy doll out of her hand and they started throwing it back and forth between them and she could not get it back...It was very upsetting to her because the Chrissy doll was her ONLY toy, and it was also her companion, friend and more...
The cousins started running back and forth between the hale bales throwing the doll up and down and not letting the little girl have it.
She was trying real hard not to cry, because if she cried they would really be mean then....
In the distance she heard the train blow its horn, it was coming into the small town....in a few minutes it would be passing the house. The other cousins heard the train, and one of them grabbed the doll, ran to the tracks and threw the doll on the tracks! They both started laughing and laughing, they thought it was so funny.
Then they ran off back into the house....The train was rumbling closer and the little girl dashed to the tracks, (she was not allowed to play on or get near those tracks) but she had to get her beloved doll...there was no time to go get her mom or an adult...So she climbed onto the tracks, grabbed her doll and ran back to the hay bales to hide behind...the train came by, moving very slowly...she could hear the rumbling and bits of hay started to fall off the hay bale behind her...she also thought she heard someone yelling....
Finally the train went by. She heard the yelling again, this time she could tell it was her mom, calling her name. She could tell the mom was very agitated and mad. The little girl slipped the doll up the back of her shirt and walked out from behind the hay bale. The mom saw her and screamed at her "how many times do I have to tell you to not get on those tracks?"(my cousins told her I was playing on the tracks and a train was coming) the mom walked up and grabbed the girl by the neck and started yanking her to the house. The doll fell out of the back of her shirt onto the ground. The little girl tried to explain what happened with the doll and the cousins, but the mom told her to shut up and quit blaming others. She picked the doll up and started hitting the little girl with it, over and over, messing up the dolls hair and clothes...but thankfully she did not break the doll.
Once back in the house the little girl had to sit behind the chair and stare at the wall...but she did not mind...she was alone and hidden and could be quiet for hours. Her mom wanted her to think about what she did, how bad she was for tattle tailing and how bad she was for playing on the track. She also thought about what her mother called her...a "stupid little good for nothing girl", "should have let the train run you over"..."why don't you ever behave" "why can't you be like your cousins"..."I don't have time for your shit"...blah blah blah...
Its okay now, her words were far away, and she was safe, behind the chair....hiding....her and Chrissy.
S
My cousin, Paul, and cousin Patricia, would only talk in pig latin around me, because I could not understand what they were saying. They use to laugh at me and tease me.
My aunt lived in a very small town in NM. They had a horse, and a line of hay bales. She also lived with the railroad track running just behind her house. Whenever a train would go by, usually up to 4 a day, her house would shake and rumble...it use to scare the little girl to death until she got use to it.
One day, the mom and her kids went to visit her sister in the small NM town. The dad did not go. The little girl took her Chrissy doll to play with because she knew the other kids would not play with her. She was outside by the hay bales playing. The cousins came up and started talking in the pig latin. She did not understand, so she told them to leave her alone. One of them grabbed her Chrissy doll out of her hand and they started throwing it back and forth between them and she could not get it back...It was very upsetting to her because the Chrissy doll was her ONLY toy, and it was also her companion, friend and more...
The cousins started running back and forth between the hale bales throwing the doll up and down and not letting the little girl have it.
She was trying real hard not to cry, because if she cried they would really be mean then....
In the distance she heard the train blow its horn, it was coming into the small town....in a few minutes it would be passing the house. The other cousins heard the train, and one of them grabbed the doll, ran to the tracks and threw the doll on the tracks! They both started laughing and laughing, they thought it was so funny.
Then they ran off back into the house....The train was rumbling closer and the little girl dashed to the tracks, (she was not allowed to play on or get near those tracks) but she had to get her beloved doll...there was no time to go get her mom or an adult...So she climbed onto the tracks, grabbed her doll and ran back to the hay bales to hide behind...the train came by, moving very slowly...she could hear the rumbling and bits of hay started to fall off the hay bale behind her...she also thought she heard someone yelling....
Finally the train went by. She heard the yelling again, this time she could tell it was her mom, calling her name. She could tell the mom was very agitated and mad. The little girl slipped the doll up the back of her shirt and walked out from behind the hay bale. The mom saw her and screamed at her "how many times do I have to tell you to not get on those tracks?"(my cousins told her I was playing on the tracks and a train was coming) the mom walked up and grabbed the girl by the neck and started yanking her to the house. The doll fell out of the back of her shirt onto the ground. The little girl tried to explain what happened with the doll and the cousins, but the mom told her to shut up and quit blaming others. She picked the doll up and started hitting the little girl with it, over and over, messing up the dolls hair and clothes...but thankfully she did not break the doll.
Once back in the house the little girl had to sit behind the chair and stare at the wall...but she did not mind...she was alone and hidden and could be quiet for hours. Her mom wanted her to think about what she did, how bad she was for tattle tailing and how bad she was for playing on the track. She also thought about what her mother called her...a "stupid little good for nothing girl", "should have let the train run you over"..."why don't you ever behave" "why can't you be like your cousins"..."I don't have time for your shit"...blah blah blah...
Its okay now, her words were far away, and she was safe, behind the chair....hiding....her and Chrissy.
S
Friday, July 3, 2020
faking it
Having DID is not easy. It is extreme confusion. It distorts my "reality" and blurs my vision. I often think to myself, am I faking it? Am I just looking for attention (like my mom always said to me)do I just have a very vivid imagination? Can I really have suffered so much abuse that my head split? Was the abuse real or a figment of my imagination? ALL THESE THOUGHTS SWIM AROUND MY HEAD, MAKING ME FEEL CONFUSED, ANGRY, SAD, AM I A LIAR??
I watched a video "Are you faking it" where a lady with DID was so bashed and ridiculed and told she was a fraud that she had to leave her YouTube videos for awhile...She then came back and addressed that very question....
I already have so many doubts and questions in my own head, how will I react when people start saying about me "she is faking it"...Will this crush my already fragile mindset?
Just seeing my body in pictures, crushed my physical aspect of how I see myself...I can't imagine when I am told my mental aspect is bogus too....I cannot look at pictures of my body anymore, or of my face...what if my mind is crushed too, how will I even be able to think?
I was told that I have "Bulbar effect" I think that is what it is called. Anyhow it is "inappropriate emotional reactions to things"....because of the head injury....blah blah blah
I think I have inappropriate reactions because its not me reacting...it is one of the others reacting in my place, speaking for me when they should just keep their fucking mouth shut. One of them is feeling some type of emotion and reacting....but it appears it is me, the dumbshit being overly emotional about something...which makes me feel even more at odd with myself. And how udderly ridiculous that my advocate has to call out each fucking alter to see what their problem is and try to figure out why I am reacting in a stupid idiotic way.
I truly should have never been released from the psych hospital. I should be locked up for ever...I am a mental freak, a menace to myself, a danger to myself...I should be locked up and the key thrown away....
S
Thursday, July 2, 2020
wander
Today we drove and drove
up and down
round and round
we drove.
The winding roads
that don't allow a beat,
or a look away.
where have we been
We wonder.
A turn in the road
have been there before
many times,
we turn away.
we wander
and see the trees
the grass looks soft
where have we been?
we wonder
as we wander....
of the turn in the road
we have been before.
s
up and down
round and round
we drove.
The winding roads
that don't allow a beat,
or a look away.
where have we been
We wonder.
A turn in the road
have been there before
many times,
we turn away.
we wander
and see the trees
the grass looks soft
where have we been?
we wonder
as we wander....
of the turn in the road
we have been before.
s
nightmare frontier
I have burned all my bridges in Oklahoma. I can never go back. So I live now in Virginia. I have been here little over two years. And in that time I have only met a few people. None of those people are really friends, just acquaintances I met through my advocate.
I am too dependent on the advocate. I am relying on them too much....expecting more from them than I should, and monopolizing their time. But left alone to my own devices is not always a good thing either. If I get bored, out pops an alter, then I am lost in time until Sparrow comes back.
You would think that with 7 alters, I would have all the friends or company I need. I am my own crowd....but it doesn't work like that. I don't usually know they are around until later when I see something odd or different around me then its like "awe" so-and-so was out...or my advocate tells me.
So, even with 6 other fucking brains, I am still alone.
I have been alone almost my entire life. I have also been a bit of a loner...hiding my life, my past, my demons...Even when I was a mother with little kids, I was alone....it was about the kids, the house, the husband, the church, yadadada...never about me, I was in the background. But that was okay, I was busy everyday and that helped keep the loneliness at bay...
But when the kids moved out, and my husband became even more married to his job, the loneliness got worse until I felt I was gonna literally kill myself. That was when I made the decision to leave Oklahoma for good.
The move was exciting for me, very different...the first year in Virginia was harder than fuck, but it was also exciting and new...
Then the alters, having to not hide anymore or be careful when they front or whatever, started rearing their fucking heads...and the exciting new frontier of life, suddenly became a fucking nightmare, again.....
Just yesterday, at a store, Ally fronts...To all the patrons around me, I look like a 58 year old hag acting like a small child...STUPID AND RIDICULOUS AND WORTHY OF JOKES
The alters feel so comfortable with the advocate that it does not matter where we are at or who we are with, if the advocate is with me, then all bets are off....those alters will front and fuck what Sparrow wants or thinks.
What happens if the advocate leaves? dies? or decides they are tired of me....that person is the only person I have here in Virginia. I would be completely alone if they disappear. What would I do? Where would I go? I certainly could not go back to Oklahoma, nor would I want too...
Seriously and honestly, I would probably end my life. If my advocate was to ever be gone...I would not be able to take care of myself...I would not be able to care for my animals...I would die of abject loneliness....a loneliness so acute my heart would simply stop beating....the alters heart would stop beating....
My world would stop...How pathetic is that that I am so fucking dependent on one person...I am not a grown up ass woman. I am not an independent woman...I am a fucked up in the head only 1/7 of a whole person....that can't even keep my finances in order...what a fucking joke that I thought I could be by myself, I will need a babysitter for the rest of "our" lives...
S
Wednesday, July 1, 2020
decisions
I have been trying to lose some of this "covid virus" weight gain. I have been running every morning and counting calories, no more than 1300 calories a day.
I went from 117 to 110 and I was feeling pretty good about myself. Finally happen to fit into my clothes comfortably.
I like to wear "boudoir" clothing, for pictures. Boots, stockings, corsets, etc...I think those clothes are so sexy and beautiful on women. I put on one of the outfits and asked my advocate to take some pictures. So I could see the results of my exercising.
The pictures that were taken, I was shocked. I was mortified how I looked. My legs and ass are still saggy and dimply and gross...in fact my whole body looks gross. It is weird that in your head you think you look one way or another, then you see pictures and realize you are only deluding yourself.
Anyway I was so upset, I burst into tears and got really down on myself. Well this aggravated my advocate...He reminded me that I am a 58 yr old woman...I am past the "looking" young and athletic part of my life. My years of beauty are over....
For 34 yrs I had to dress so fucking conservative. I had no sexy clothes, I was a dutiful house wife. I never felt beautiful or sexy, I was a mom with a house and husband and family to take care of, I was not important.
So I leave, I move away, and I start living for me...I want to be beautiful and sexy and look good in "boudoir" clothes, for me! But that will never be.
Again, I was robbed of a life.....and now its too fucking late to even try and be "young and sexy" and that makes me so sad...
I have missed out on so much of life....I was robbed....the alters have robbed me, my fuckwad parents robbed me...my husband robbed me...now time has robbed me....
I made some decisions. I will no longer be taking any pictures of myself. Not even face selfies...I do not want to be reminded of my old fucking age by seeing saggy jowl lines, and fat jiggly legs and ass...I am an old woman. I am a grandmother...I am a senior adult.
I also left and deactivated all my social media accounts. That way I will not be tempted to send selfies, or to look at the beautiful women in sexy clothing that are featured....I know I am not a professional model....but at 5'3" 110 pounds, I didn't think I looked that horrendous...but photos don't lie. I am horrendous.
Maybe I have such a warped sense of body image because each of my alters think "they" look a certain way...so in my head there are 7 people who all look differently in their eyes...so no wonder I am so fucked up in my thinking....I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO FUCKING LOOK LIKE...
All I am sure of right now is this. I am not fat...but I am not a nice shape either...I mean I look okay in clothes, but without clothes I am a hot mess....gross...with or without make up, I am a hot mess...
Here is something I have noticed: My advocate tells me over and over how beautiful I am. When we go to restaurants he makes it a point to look around at all the patrons and will tell me I am the most beautiful girl in the room...so sweet....BUT the only time he tells me I am beautiful is when I dress up, put on make up, nice clothes, do my hair, etc....the times that we are together and I am not wearing make up and have on regular clothes, he never tells me I am beautiful. NEVER...only when I am dolled up. He says I have a natural beauty, but he only notices that with the make up and shit....hahahahaha Guys are so full of shit sometimes!
And its the truth....a girl walks outside with no make up, hair pulled back, jeans and t shirt, or baggy clothes, and she is not noticed...she is not beautiful...but that same girl put on make up, sexy clothes etc and walks outside there are cat calls, whistles and she is told she looks good or pretty or whatever.....
I have horrible self-esteem. I have a hard time loving myself. And with people like me, we feel better about ourselves when others notice. Maybe that is selfish or self centered, but I guess that is me.
I need to look good, for myself, because my entire fucking life I was about everyone else. I have been slammed for my size, my boob size , even my husband would tell me at times "you have had a few too many pork chops" getting alittle chunky...so if I have a body image issue, then I would like to thank my parents, society and my husband. I would also like to thank Lilly, Ally, Kaos, Sammy, Sophie and Tessa for fucking up my body image with your own looks and confusing me even more....
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO LOOK LIKE:
when the alters look in the mirror, they see red hair, or dark hair, they see tall, they see short or long hair, they see different color eyes, they see different bodies....then I look in the mirror and I see yet another different person....MY HEAD IS SO FUCKED.
I am nothing more than a hideous conglomerate of identities all shoved into one parcel. I am a monster.
S
I went from 117 to 110 and I was feeling pretty good about myself. Finally happen to fit into my clothes comfortably.
I like to wear "boudoir" clothing, for pictures. Boots, stockings, corsets, etc...I think those clothes are so sexy and beautiful on women. I put on one of the outfits and asked my advocate to take some pictures. So I could see the results of my exercising.
The pictures that were taken, I was shocked. I was mortified how I looked. My legs and ass are still saggy and dimply and gross...in fact my whole body looks gross. It is weird that in your head you think you look one way or another, then you see pictures and realize you are only deluding yourself.
Anyway I was so upset, I burst into tears and got really down on myself. Well this aggravated my advocate...He reminded me that I am a 58 yr old woman...I am past the "looking" young and athletic part of my life. My years of beauty are over....
For 34 yrs I had to dress so fucking conservative. I had no sexy clothes, I was a dutiful house wife. I never felt beautiful or sexy, I was a mom with a house and husband and family to take care of, I was not important.
So I leave, I move away, and I start living for me...I want to be beautiful and sexy and look good in "boudoir" clothes, for me! But that will never be.
Again, I was robbed of a life.....and now its too fucking late to even try and be "young and sexy" and that makes me so sad...
I have missed out on so much of life....I was robbed....the alters have robbed me, my fuckwad parents robbed me...my husband robbed me...now time has robbed me....
I made some decisions. I will no longer be taking any pictures of myself. Not even face selfies...I do not want to be reminded of my old fucking age by seeing saggy jowl lines, and fat jiggly legs and ass...I am an old woman. I am a grandmother...I am a senior adult.
I also left and deactivated all my social media accounts. That way I will not be tempted to send selfies, or to look at the beautiful women in sexy clothing that are featured....I know I am not a professional model....but at 5'3" 110 pounds, I didn't think I looked that horrendous...but photos don't lie. I am horrendous.
Maybe I have such a warped sense of body image because each of my alters think "they" look a certain way...so in my head there are 7 people who all look differently in their eyes...so no wonder I am so fucked up in my thinking....I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO FUCKING LOOK LIKE...
All I am sure of right now is this. I am not fat...but I am not a nice shape either...I mean I look okay in clothes, but without clothes I am a hot mess....gross...with or without make up, I am a hot mess...
Here is something I have noticed: My advocate tells me over and over how beautiful I am. When we go to restaurants he makes it a point to look around at all the patrons and will tell me I am the most beautiful girl in the room...so sweet....BUT the only time he tells me I am beautiful is when I dress up, put on make up, nice clothes, do my hair, etc....the times that we are together and I am not wearing make up and have on regular clothes, he never tells me I am beautiful. NEVER...only when I am dolled up. He says I have a natural beauty, but he only notices that with the make up and shit....hahahahaha Guys are so full of shit sometimes!
And its the truth....a girl walks outside with no make up, hair pulled back, jeans and t shirt, or baggy clothes, and she is not noticed...she is not beautiful...but that same girl put on make up, sexy clothes etc and walks outside there are cat calls, whistles and she is told she looks good or pretty or whatever.....
I have horrible self-esteem. I have a hard time loving myself. And with people like me, we feel better about ourselves when others notice. Maybe that is selfish or self centered, but I guess that is me.
I need to look good, for myself, because my entire fucking life I was about everyone else. I have been slammed for my size, my boob size , even my husband would tell me at times "you have had a few too many pork chops" getting alittle chunky...so if I have a body image issue, then I would like to thank my parents, society and my husband. I would also like to thank Lilly, Ally, Kaos, Sammy, Sophie and Tessa for fucking up my body image with your own looks and confusing me even more....
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO LOOK LIKE:
when the alters look in the mirror, they see red hair, or dark hair, they see tall, they see short or long hair, they see different color eyes, they see different bodies....then I look in the mirror and I see yet another different person....MY HEAD IS SO FUCKED.
I am nothing more than a hideous conglomerate of identities all shoved into one parcel. I am a monster.
S
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