Sparrow, the alter

So now that I am learning to recognize when an alter is fronting, or if one wants to front, I can be  more accommodating.  

Last night, I was watching TV with my advocate.  Nothing special, just a show...and I found myself drifting...my eyes were on the show, but I started to float above my body...disassociating..I think.  
I could not feel Ally's giggle in my chest, I did not see Lilly over my shoulder, I was not clenching my fist like Sophie...but something in my head was churning.....I started to loose track with the show,  in fact, I do not remember the episode we watched, it became a blur in my head.  .....So I just sat there, and pretended to watch the show...but all the while I am trying to think, why is this happening?  is one of the girls trying to front?  Is one "unhappy" or "confused"?  I really didn't know......I started losing a bit of time...all the sudden the show was on another episode....wow....

Earlier yesterday morning, I went out for my run and decided to go into an apartment development in my neighborhood...I ran into the complex and was walking/running around the place, kinda in my own world and then "like a bolt of lightening" it occurred to me that I was lost.  In my walking/running around the complex I zoned out, not paying attention and ended up lost as I could be....Every apartment looked the same, all the roads looked the same...every turn I made was lost....I knew in my rational head I was less than 3 miles from my own apartment, so I just meandered along the complex until I saw a familiar marking (pool) and finally found the road out....I don't remember actually walking around the apartment complex, I remember going into the place, seeing the pool off to the right, then I remember not being able to find my way out...How long was I zoning out?  probably around 20 minutes or so, but just long enough to get completely lost and disoriented.  I deliberately kept myself from panicking, and kept my focus and eventually found my way out and back home...It is a very scary creepy feeling to be in a familiar area then suddenly be in a very foreign and different area and not know how you got to that point.  its like on Star Trek and teleporting...I am here, then I am there....WTF

My advocate seems to think I may have another alter which we are not aware of yet....maybe....but this "maybe" alter, does not seem to have any tell-tale signs...no apparitions, no giggle, no clenched fist, no music, just a soft drifting in my head....a comfortable detachment. A feeling of floating, drifting...here in the present but not really in the present...I think my advocate has noticed this before in me....not sure...

The feeling is kinda like being really stoned on pot.  Very relaxed, very tingling, certainly feeling that sense of intense well being...floating like....that is what disassociation feels like.  At least in the very beginning before an alter fronts completely..its a relaxing type of intro to the alter....does that make sense??

I know for me, when that feeling starts coming on, I need to get my sensory box and snap myself back to reality...like smelling salts under the nose to stop a faint... but also, I need to try and discern why?  are there any triggers, what is going on around me, am I watching something, reading something, what is causing the disassociation?  Often times it is obvious, other times there seems to be no reason for my mind drift...it just happens...I lose time...or I lose focus...

Then there are the fucking headaches...which headaches are the alters and which are the more than 13 brain tumors I have?  It is damn near impossible to tell alter headache from tumor headache...my headaches are constant...the only time they seem to not hurt me is when Ally or Sammy are fronting...at least that is what my advocate told me...or has noticed...do they somehow mask the pain?  

I am really "scared" that I might have another alter..that would be 7 counting "me, Sparrow"...even though I feel Sparrow is the host, whenever another alter is fronting and present, Sparrow is that alters alter....Sparrow is an alter too...each of my personalities are complete individuals, we all just share the same body, so makes sense that when Ally is out and playing, Sparrow to her, is an alter or another person....she refers to Sparrow at times..so my alters are aware of each other...wow...

Fuck this DID shit is so convoluted...so many variables, so many puzzle pieces, so confusing....it seems that "when I had no ideal I had alters" my life seemed so normal....but now that I am aware of them, I can see how they have flitted in and out my entire life...I can see how not normal I was....I am not normal...

Will I ever be a normal human being?  NOPE....but then, what is normal?   

S