So scared...

So, I feel like yesterday was a good day.   I went and cleaned up my advocates apartment.  Him and I watched TV for a little while then I came home.  It was around 5:30 pm.  I texted him I was home, then about 30 minutes later I texted him again...it was important, he did not answer, I tried calling...no answer...silence from his end for almost 2 hours.

I got nervous.  He lives alone and is my age.  All the sudden all these horrible thoughts go driving through my brain.  He had a heart attack, he fell down the stairs, stroke...even, he has a woman over there (that one was just the insecure girl in me! haha)

I could not stop the racing thoughts in my brain.   My advocate is my lifeline, my everything, the alters love and trust him, I would die if anything happened to him.....we all would.

I started getting scared...I caught myself numerous times "clenching my fist" which is usually a tell tell sign of Sophie.  I felt like crying "probably Ally"...I was so scared, the scaredness became being terrified.....Lilly emerged and the next thing I knew, I was half-way to his place in my car.   Lilly drove...Lilly, evidently, got me off my ass and over to his place to check on him.

As I was climbing the stairs to his place, I was trying real hard to control my breathing and to not see him suffering....I heard the TV when I opened his door....

there he was, asleep in front of the TV.  SLEEPING.  I had also thought he fell asleep, but he has never fallen asleep like that before 630 or 700pm.  That is why I was so nervous/scared.   His phone for some reason was in his closet, which was why he did not answer it.  He always answers my calls or texts too...

So, I was flooded with relief.   All the girls, I felt, heaved a huge sigh of relief.   However, one was still really angry that he was so absent minded about his phone.   She wanted to punch him in the nose....must have been Sophie (my angry alter).   My advocate is not only my friend, but also my alters only friend....He is the one that helps me navigate my new life here in Virginia and with my alters.   I would fucking die if something ever happened to him.  I, we, are extremely attached to him.

This morning when I woke up,  my doll was in my arms and I was holding her tightly.  That would be "Ally" hanging on to her only reality.  That doll was given to her by the advocate.

It is times like this, that I wish we lived together, my advocate and me...but at the same time, I need my own apartment.  I need to learn to live with alters, yet have a place to grow my independence.  I love living alone, having my own space.  My alters like it too, as I have found they are out and about pretty much periodically all day long...

So, in the end.....He fell asleep.....its all good in my world, once again.

S