never free

ok, so, I do not want to have DID anymore.   Now that I know without a doubt I do indeed suffer from this disorder, I don't want it.   It was better for me to be in the dark about it.  I seemed to muddle through life just fine, when I was fucking blissfully unaware.

Now, I second guess myself all the time.  If I lose even 5 damn minutes, I am freaking that one of the others fronted...When I get confused, my mind now, instantly goes too "what the fuck is wrong with one of them now"....I feel like a mother to 6 fucking brats.

I use to really enjoy being around my advocate.  We had fun all the time.  Now, I feel he just watches me, waiting for one of the others to front...NOT watching me because he loves me, but waiting for me to become someone else...Also, my alters are now so fucking comfortable with him around they front for no apparent reasons anymore...I am losing more and more of me.  It is becoming the advocate and alter show.  I am being phased out......and if the alters are me, then I am losing more and more of Sparrow..I am a fucking stranger to myself.

I was fun, exciting and new....now I am a problem to figure out, a science experiment, a puzzle to be put together.  Seems all we talk about is "the others".  I am sick of them....I am no longer an individual person, I am a walking head case...a freak.  I am not whole, I am only 1/7 th of a human.

I was so happy and excited to leave my life in Oklahoma and strike out in a new direction.  I was finally able to be free of rules and breath.  I could finally be Sparrow.   But in two short years, my happiness and excitement is being crushed....talk about rules now.  I have to fucking share my head with 6 other minds,  and each one has their own rules and ways of thinking...I am no longer free to be me....I HAVE TO BE FREE TO BE THEM.  WHICH MEANS I AM NO LONGER FREE.  I AM IN BONDAGE ONCE AGAIN.

I will never be free.  

S