isolation sucks

I woke up this morning feeling sad and lonely, again.  Why?  I wish I knew.  But in the pit of my stomach I feel a deep sadness building, trying to reach my eyes and leak out...

Maybe its the virus epidemic.  So much sickness all around, people dying, and my own family acting like "their shit don't stink" and they can disobey distancing rules to stop this spread...

Maybe its that, aside from my advocate, I have nobody and no where to go...can't travel, the virus, its not safe...can't go shopping, the virus and store shelves are virtually empty of merchandise.  Can't go to the bar and have a drink and listen to music,  fuck, I feel like I am on restriction....being disciplined...

I feel unstable, like the ground is shaking under my feet...but mostly its the "profound sense of loneliness"....

DID patients all suffer from depression, or are prone to depression.  I have been diagnosed Clinically depressed....so, when loneliness, isolation, virus restrictions, house arrest basically...the depression is the hardest to manage...especially because I have no job, so I don't get to even get out to work...I just rattle around this small apartment, take my dog to the park, or rattle around another apartment...thats it.....my life.   

MY LIFE:
     Wake up
     drink coffee and peruse online
     go run
     take a nap
     take dog to park
     eat something
     prattle around cleaning clean things in apartment
     maybe go to advocate apartment
     prattle around there, cleaning
     come home
     drink some beer, maybe watch TV
     go to bed.

thats it, my fucking exciting life....no wonder I am so fucking depressed, I live basically a nonexistent life....I am literally invisible.   I am dying inside....dying of boredom....I have no importance at all...I mean, look at my schedule..Is that the schedule of an important person?   Nope.  That is the schedule of a fucking bum.  The only deviation to that schedule is on mondays I clean my rats cage.  BOOM  my fucking life.

Its like no matter where I am, either Virginia or Oklahoma, I just don't belong...I don't fit in....I am a fucking island.

an island of loneliness
that is me
an ocean of people
I cannot see
no where to go
no where to play
just another boring
goddamn day....

S