solitary life

I walk a lonely road
steps that lead to nowhere.

The stairs I climb
never end,

Just when I think I am okay,
I am not...

I live a solitary life,
yet I am crowded...

I try to speak,
but everyone talks at once,

I am lost
in this head of mine....

feelings of doom
constantly invade my heart

freedom is for the free,
I am a captive.

I will never be free
my life is a death sentence.

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That was not really a poem, but more just phrases that come to my head, so I write them down.

Sleep did not come easy for me last night.  I was so restless, constantly waking...My dreams were a marathon of memories encompassed in a nightmare that never ended....A nightmare that still refuses to end, even though I am awake.

When I now look at myself in a mirror, when I look into my reflected eyes...I don't see Sparrow anymore....I see 6 other pairs of eyes looking back at me....a freak.

My mind is a horror movie....I am literally possessed by 6 personalities...I am going to start referring to them as 6 little monsters.   I refer to my tumors as pearls, my alters are monsters.....

I am science fiction....I am a study on how horrible a brain can be, how monsters are made...how children are destroyed and how being a freak is more interesting to others than just being a single normal person. 

If I was not a mental freak, challenge or puzzle to be solved, or problem to be solved, my advocate would not be as interested in me, Sparrow.   He is an intelligent man.  He is a scientist at heart, and he is a fixer....When is he going to realize that I can not be fixed?  When all his efforts are exhausted and he has nothing else to teach me or whatever, then he will move along to his next project.  Not everything can be fixed or made well again.  No amount of logical science can help me....my brain is deformed and retarded. 

Frankly I am fucking amazed that I am still alive...despite the multiple brain tumors, despite the fucking altered state of my head, I still manage to have a heart beat.

But the way I see it...everyday is one day closer to my last day........

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So, it seems that my advocate also keeps things from me.  Over a year ago my landlord tried to evict me...why?  because I simply don't like him....no grounds for eviction.  My advocate talked with him, defused the situation, and I never knew that I had once been evicted from my apartment.   What I don't know won't hurt me right?

Isn't that what parents do with their children?  keep them in the dark about things that might upset them...I am a grown up woman, yet because of my stupid fucked head, he decided I was too unstable to deal with my landlord.   He would never have even told me, but something came up in conversation, so he told me.   WHAT ELSE IS HE KEEPING FROM ME FOR MY OWN GOOD?

Its a goddamn shame that he even felt like he had to keep this from me.   He has to babysit me.  Its a fucking shame that I am so unstable that I cannot deal with basic life shit.   how can I be an adult, try and act like one, yet I have to be shielded and handled with kit gloves...I truly am a retard.

And the very reason he did not tell me...is the very reason I hate myself.  I am out of control and a retarded idiot.  I cannot take care of myself, obviously.

s