I linger...

I don't have many pleasant memories of my childhood.  But, one thing I do remember is; I use to put a small bible under my pillow so God would protect me and I would not have nightmares.  I also would pray that Jesus would not come again, until I have  had  a baby.  That is all I ever wanted...

God did not protect me or take away the nightmares.

My only goal, what I wanted to be when I grew up, was to be a mother.  To have children, to love them, cherish them and nurture.  all the things I did not have as a child.  I wanted to find a man who would be a "good" father, a "good provider" and a soft spirit.  A man who does not drink alcohol or do drugs.  A man who is very slow to anger and respectable in his job.

I found that man.  I married that man.  That man was the perfect father and husband.  But he was not perfect for me.  But, that did not matter....my children were my first and only priority.

My kids are now grown, with families of their own.  My job as mother is finished.  I did exactly what I sat out to do...

Now, it is my time...but at what end?  Now that I do not have a central focus, I am "out of control".   I have nothing to make me feel important or needed...There is nobody that really needs me.

The only ones who really need me are my alters.  They need me to stay alive so they can stay alive.  Selfish.

I thought I would be happy, free to begin again....but the "again" is marred by alters and confusion...do I regret leaving my "home" and moving away....leaving my husband?  NO, I do not.  

I only regret that my life is over.  Now I am just waiting for my body to give out and die.   

I do not have an identity.  I am not Johns wife, or the kids mom.  Not anymore.  I am not Sparrow.  I do not have my own singular identity.  Apparently I am Ally, Lilly, Sophie, Kaos, Tessa, Sammy and Sparrow.   I am a heinz 57 of a person.   

I think I was happier when I was blissfully unaware of my alters.  I think I was happier just being fucking ignorant to myself.  Not knowing was better for me.  It is easier to live in the dark.  

No wonder my advocate holds things from me.  I cannot be trusted to react like an adult.  I cannot be trusted at all, because there are fucking 7 of me....the ultimate HYPOCRITE....my head is hypocritical...I am a conglomerate of mixed patterns of thinking, so I appear wishy washy......WELL THAT IS THE TRUTH.

I have a useless life now, save for taking care of a couple animals...Nobody needs me anymore.  And that is okay.  I finished what I started all those years ago.  My life is done.

Now I just linger....

S