dinner music

So, yesterday I was cooking dinner on my new gas range...my advocate was in the living room and the stereo was on.   

Everything was fine and dandy, until a certain song came on the radio.   I tried to ignore the song, but I felt myself starting to drift.  That song triggered someone or something in me....I started going far away in my head...finally, I caught sight of my advocate and squeaked out..."turn that off".....

Before I was totally gone...I went into the other room and grabbed my sensory box.  I was in a dream like stance, I could smell the cachet of grapevine...but I was still drifting...my advocate went into the kitchen and grabbed an ice pack out of the freezer and put it on the back of my neck.

That did the trick...it snapped me back to "present" day...the drifting dazed- like feeling (disassociating)  was gone, I was back to myself.  The rest of the evening was good.  

Music is a trigger,  it can trigger good memories, like most music does, or it can trigger really bad memories.   Or, it can put me in a hypnotic type state.   My advocate wants me to listen to a different type of music.  Like country....fuck that!  I can't stand country, gospel, rap, pop or orchestra music.  He said the messages in the songs I listen to are depressing, too angry and spawn too many negative memories.  Well he is right.  But the music I listen too, tells the life of the artist.  They sing about their frustrations, their anger, their rage, they channel their angst into the music, thus making it productive and not destructive.  Hard rock and alternative rock speaks to me...it tells my story.  And alot of the music I listen too, Sammy loves because she will front and start dancing.  Which is actually a stress reliever for me.

I am learning to "as soon as I hear a song that sparks concern inside me" I will shut it off.  The problem with what happened yesterday, is my hands were busy in the kitchen and I could not turn off the stereo, so I tried to ignore the song...but I couldn't.  That is why the disassociation spread.   Not every song is a trigger...I can listen to music all fucking day long and never disassociate, but then a certain song and boom....I am floating away in my head....and I go away...when I come back, I am either fine and dandy, or I have fresh wounds from Sophie fighting me over a fuck memory....

Its a crap shoot!

On another note, my brother, has decided to use his birth fathers last name on a social media sight.  The name of the man, who brutalized me and my mother.  The name of the man who was the sickest fuck drunk on the planet.   When I saw his name on the sight, I literally felt like I was going to puke.  My brother has no fucking ideal what that man did to me.   My brother never knew his father.  My step dad has been his father his entire life.  But my brother, the fucking idiot, dropped his good name and replaced it with a horrible fucked up name.  The ultimate slap in the face for our "dad".   A huge slap in my face.

My sister is not happy about that either.  She said he is being a big fat ass also.  She thinks he is trying to hide his identity for some reason.  whatever.

All I know is, my brother has no fucking ideal about the monster he is choosing to represent by using his name.   

S