a crap shoot

When I started this blog over 2 years ago,  it was to help me figure out what to do with my life.  How to deal with brain injury, tumors and leaving my husband and home.   

When I look back and read my early posts,  they are so different than today.   

I blamed the tumors/brain injury on ALL my decisions, my personality change, my memory loss, etc....but in reality, yes, the brain tumors are an issue, but most of my cognitive abilities are because of DID.  Which was undiagnosed and unseen for years and years.   

My alters were quite adept at hiding, mimicking me or not being seen.  I believe the brain tumors and injury, pushed them more to the surface...and me, changing my life, giving myself freedom to be me, has allowed them to feel safer and more free about fronting..
they no longer have to hide....

I feel like I should go back and delete all the earlier posts...I said as much to my advocate...and he said to leave them all.  Because in that day and time they were written I was going through something and it was important.  It is my story, an earlier chapter to an evolving plot in the book of Sparrow.

Now when I read my earlier writings, even poems that I had written in my 20's and posted, you can see glimpses of my alters in those early poems...you can see the struggles I had, even then...

I even tried "getting saved", but Jesus did not take away the pain and confusion I felt in my head...I did not have "hidden sin",  Jesus did not make my life better, it went from bad to worse...So that old "get saved" is bullshit.   Being "saved" never gave me peace, solace or comfort...it just led to a new string of fucking problems, namely Deacons and christian men trying to get in my pants...same shit as with non-christian men...its all about their dicks ONLY.
So fuck the getting saved shit...

DID cannot be prayed away.  It cannot be exorcised or willed away.  It cannot be surgically fixed, and if you use medication, all you have are medicated alters...they are still there.   

So, I have only two concrete choices in dealing with this fuck condition:
                   1. accept and deal
                   2.  suicide or death

there is nothing in between.  and I facilitate between those two choices on a daily basis..If it is a "good" day, no triggers, then I choose 1.  But if its a bad day, triggers galore, depression, confusion,  I have to fight myself to not choose number 2.

Everyday is a fucking flip of the coin:  deal or die...
and the shit is, some days they start out number 1...but end up number 2....I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS...but in the life of a DID patient, the struggle is real and palpable.  

So far today, I am picking number 1....but the day is just beginning...so we will see...it could be a good day all day or just turn to shit with a trigger...its a fucking crap-shoot.

S