Holy shit, last night was a clusterfuck of alters....
I am not even sure what all happened, who happened, and how it happened, but I guess my advocate had ALL their attention last night.
My advocate did say, and I remember this, is that "I" Sparrow, may not be the one who suffers from depression. It may be "Tessa", who seems to be my twin.
Now how the fuck do you treat depression in an alter????? when I was being diagnosed with clinical depression, was the shrink really diagnosing Tessa and not know it?
Tessa mimicks me. She has been "me" all my life...she has pretended to be me....I really think that Tessa is out periodically during the day, every day. The other alters are not daily alters, with maybe the exception of Ally too...
Maybe this explains why some days I am so happy, I feel alive and safe and content...then Boom...all the sudden I fall into the depression mode....Is that Tessa fronting? When she fronts does that cause depression in me??? Is Tessa depressed? Why? What is her story?
I have so many questions, and I am so confused and discombobulated .... and if I am so confused, imagine my advocate having to decipher and piece together this 10000000 piece puzzle that is me...
I don't know....Fuck this is so frustrating....
S
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Saturday, June 27, 2020
isolation sucks
I woke up this morning feeling sad and lonely, again. Why? I wish I knew. But in the pit of my stomach I feel a deep sadness building, trying to reach my eyes and leak out...
Maybe its the virus epidemic. So much sickness all around, people dying, and my own family acting like "their shit don't stink" and they can disobey distancing rules to stop this spread...
Maybe its that, aside from my advocate, I have nobody and no where to go...can't travel, the virus, its not safe...can't go shopping, the virus and store shelves are virtually empty of merchandise. Can't go to the bar and have a drink and listen to music, fuck, I feel like I am on restriction....being disciplined...
I feel unstable, like the ground is shaking under my feet...but mostly its the "profound sense of loneliness"....
DID patients all suffer from depression, or are prone to depression. I have been diagnosed Clinically depressed....so, when loneliness, isolation, virus restrictions, house arrest basically...the depression is the hardest to manage...especially because I have no job, so I don't get to even get out to work...I just rattle around this small apartment, take my dog to the park, or rattle around another apartment...thats it.....my life.
MY LIFE:
Wake up
drink coffee and peruse online
go run
take a nap
take dog to park
eat something
prattle around cleaning clean things in apartment
maybe go to advocate apartment
prattle around there, cleaning
come home
drink some beer, maybe watch TV
go to bed.
thats it, my fucking exciting life....no wonder I am so fucking depressed, I live basically a nonexistent life....I am literally invisible. I am dying inside....dying of boredom....I have no importance at all...I mean, look at my schedule..Is that the schedule of an important person? Nope. That is the schedule of a fucking bum. The only deviation to that schedule is on mondays I clean my rats cage. BOOM my fucking life.
Its like no matter where I am, either Virginia or Oklahoma, I just don't belong...I don't fit in....I am a fucking island.
an island of loneliness
that is me
an ocean of people
I cannot see
no where to go
no where to play
just another boring
goddamn day....
S
Maybe its the virus epidemic. So much sickness all around, people dying, and my own family acting like "their shit don't stink" and they can disobey distancing rules to stop this spread...
Maybe its that, aside from my advocate, I have nobody and no where to go...can't travel, the virus, its not safe...can't go shopping, the virus and store shelves are virtually empty of merchandise. Can't go to the bar and have a drink and listen to music, fuck, I feel like I am on restriction....being disciplined...
I feel unstable, like the ground is shaking under my feet...but mostly its the "profound sense of loneliness"....
DID patients all suffer from depression, or are prone to depression. I have been diagnosed Clinically depressed....so, when loneliness, isolation, virus restrictions, house arrest basically...the depression is the hardest to manage...especially because I have no job, so I don't get to even get out to work...I just rattle around this small apartment, take my dog to the park, or rattle around another apartment...thats it.....my life.
MY LIFE:
Wake up
drink coffee and peruse online
go run
take a nap
take dog to park
eat something
prattle around cleaning clean things in apartment
maybe go to advocate apartment
prattle around there, cleaning
come home
drink some beer, maybe watch TV
go to bed.
thats it, my fucking exciting life....no wonder I am so fucking depressed, I live basically a nonexistent life....I am literally invisible. I am dying inside....dying of boredom....I have no importance at all...I mean, look at my schedule..Is that the schedule of an important person? Nope. That is the schedule of a fucking bum. The only deviation to that schedule is on mondays I clean my rats cage. BOOM my fucking life.
Its like no matter where I am, either Virginia or Oklahoma, I just don't belong...I don't fit in....I am a fucking island.
an island of loneliness
that is me
an ocean of people
I cannot see
no where to go
no where to play
just another boring
goddamn day....
S
Wednesday, June 24, 2020
pedophiles
I am going to go out on a limb here and write about something extremely hard for me....you wonder where pedophiles and sexual deviants get their start. A person is not born a sexual predator, it is not a DNA thing. They are taught sexual acts as a young child, they see sexual acts on TV, their video games, books, friends, etc...
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There once was this little girl. She was around 6 or 7 yrs old. She lived in a small white house in a small TX town. She had a sister and a little brother. Her father was a nightmare drunk. He was also a sexual predator, a pedophile. She witnessed her father rape and beat her mother....
This father, did things that were unspeakable, but she will speak now. At 6 or 7 yrs old, the little girl had her first orgasm. The father taught her and showed her how to masturbate and that it was okay to do so because it feels good...it does not hurt...and don't you want to feel good and be happy??? So with a pillow, he showed her how to rub herself until she felt good.....the little girl liked it. She liked it so much, she showed her little sister how to do it....
Her little sister was 4 or 5 yrs old. The little girl was on her way to being a pedophile....she was taking what she was taught by her father, it felt good to her, and she was going for it, she did not for one second think it was wrong....How could she think it was wrong? It felt good, it did not hurt, her dad said it was okay, and it did not make her sad or want to cry. It was good. and better yet, it left no bruises to have to cover.
Because of that experience, the little girl grew up to be very sexually active...she gave herself to a guy at 14 for fucking...(she had been fucked before, but that was taken from her, not given) she masturbated alot, because it felt good....was she becoming a sexual deviant? would she grow up to be a pedophile, nympho, hooker, stripper???
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I believe this is how pedophilia starts, how sexual deviants start...they are introduced to 'adult' activities at an extremely young age, it fucks their heads....I believe the only reason I am not a sexual pervert of some kind is because of my alters.
As much as I want to hate those alters, they have saved me from becoming a murderer, or a pervert or some other horrible thing...they protected my mind the best they could. THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY A PERSON COULD SURVIVE MY CHILDHOOD AND NOT HAVE ALTERS...
Instead of people scoffing at DID...maybe they should be thanking their lucky stars that DID exist...if it didn't, there would be many many many more sexual predators, child abusers, murderers, etc in the world. I managed to survive into adulthood relatively unscathed...
Alot of children are fascinated by their sexual organs, they show other kids their vaginas or dicks, that is normal childhood curiosity and part of growing up...However, little first grade kids do not show other kids how to masturbate and have orgasm..that is over the line and a HUGE FUCKING FLAG THAT THIS KID HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED.
S
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was this little girl. She was around 6 or 7 yrs old. She lived in a small white house in a small TX town. She had a sister and a little brother. Her father was a nightmare drunk. He was also a sexual predator, a pedophile. She witnessed her father rape and beat her mother....
This father, did things that were unspeakable, but she will speak now. At 6 or 7 yrs old, the little girl had her first orgasm. The father taught her and showed her how to masturbate and that it was okay to do so because it feels good...it does not hurt...and don't you want to feel good and be happy??? So with a pillow, he showed her how to rub herself until she felt good.....the little girl liked it. She liked it so much, she showed her little sister how to do it....
Her little sister was 4 or 5 yrs old. The little girl was on her way to being a pedophile....she was taking what she was taught by her father, it felt good to her, and she was going for it, she did not for one second think it was wrong....How could she think it was wrong? It felt good, it did not hurt, her dad said it was okay, and it did not make her sad or want to cry. It was good. and better yet, it left no bruises to have to cover.
Because of that experience, the little girl grew up to be very sexually active...she gave herself to a guy at 14 for fucking...(she had been fucked before, but that was taken from her, not given) she masturbated alot, because it felt good....was she becoming a sexual deviant? would she grow up to be a pedophile, nympho, hooker, stripper???
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I believe this is how pedophilia starts, how sexual deviants start...they are introduced to 'adult' activities at an extremely young age, it fucks their heads....I believe the only reason I am not a sexual pervert of some kind is because of my alters.
As much as I want to hate those alters, they have saved me from becoming a murderer, or a pervert or some other horrible thing...they protected my mind the best they could. THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY A PERSON COULD SURVIVE MY CHILDHOOD AND NOT HAVE ALTERS...
Instead of people scoffing at DID...maybe they should be thanking their lucky stars that DID exist...if it didn't, there would be many many many more sexual predators, child abusers, murderers, etc in the world. I managed to survive into adulthood relatively unscathed...
Alot of children are fascinated by their sexual organs, they show other kids their vaginas or dicks, that is normal childhood curiosity and part of growing up...However, little first grade kids do not show other kids how to masturbate and have orgasm..that is over the line and a HUGE FUCKING FLAG THAT THIS KID HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED.
S
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
a crap shoot
When I started this blog over 2 years ago, it was to help me figure out what to do with my life. How to deal with brain injury, tumors and leaving my husband and home.
When I look back and read my early posts, they are so different than today.
I blamed the tumors/brain injury on ALL my decisions, my personality change, my memory loss, etc....but in reality, yes, the brain tumors are an issue, but most of my cognitive abilities are because of DID. Which was undiagnosed and unseen for years and years.
My alters were quite adept at hiding, mimicking me or not being seen. I believe the brain tumors and injury, pushed them more to the surface...and me, changing my life, giving myself freedom to be me, has allowed them to feel safer and more free about fronting..
they no longer have to hide....
I feel like I should go back and delete all the earlier posts...I said as much to my advocate...and he said to leave them all. Because in that day and time they were written I was going through something and it was important. It is my story, an earlier chapter to an evolving plot in the book of Sparrow.
Now when I read my earlier writings, even poems that I had written in my 20's and posted, you can see glimpses of my alters in those early poems...you can see the struggles I had, even then...
I even tried "getting saved", but Jesus did not take away the pain and confusion I felt in my head...I did not have "hidden sin", Jesus did not make my life better, it went from bad to worse...So that old "get saved" is bullshit. Being "saved" never gave me peace, solace or comfort...it just led to a new string of fucking problems, namely Deacons and christian men trying to get in my pants...same shit as with non-christian men...its all about their dicks ONLY.
So fuck the getting saved shit...
DID cannot be prayed away. It cannot be exorcised or willed away. It cannot be surgically fixed, and if you use medication, all you have are medicated alters...they are still there.
So, I have only two concrete choices in dealing with this fuck condition:
1. accept and deal
2. suicide or death
there is nothing in between. and I facilitate between those two choices on a daily basis..If it is a "good" day, no triggers, then I choose 1. But if its a bad day, triggers galore, depression, confusion, I have to fight myself to not choose number 2.
Everyday is a fucking flip of the coin: deal or die...
and the shit is, some days they start out number 1...but end up number 2....I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS...but in the life of a DID patient, the struggle is real and palpable.
So far today, I am picking number 1....but the day is just beginning...so we will see...it could be a good day all day or just turn to shit with a trigger...its a fucking crap-shoot.
S
When I look back and read my early posts, they are so different than today.
I blamed the tumors/brain injury on ALL my decisions, my personality change, my memory loss, etc....but in reality, yes, the brain tumors are an issue, but most of my cognitive abilities are because of DID. Which was undiagnosed and unseen for years and years.
My alters were quite adept at hiding, mimicking me or not being seen. I believe the brain tumors and injury, pushed them more to the surface...and me, changing my life, giving myself freedom to be me, has allowed them to feel safer and more free about fronting..
they no longer have to hide....
I feel like I should go back and delete all the earlier posts...I said as much to my advocate...and he said to leave them all. Because in that day and time they were written I was going through something and it was important. It is my story, an earlier chapter to an evolving plot in the book of Sparrow.
Now when I read my earlier writings, even poems that I had written in my 20's and posted, you can see glimpses of my alters in those early poems...you can see the struggles I had, even then...
I even tried "getting saved", but Jesus did not take away the pain and confusion I felt in my head...I did not have "hidden sin", Jesus did not make my life better, it went from bad to worse...So that old "get saved" is bullshit. Being "saved" never gave me peace, solace or comfort...it just led to a new string of fucking problems, namely Deacons and christian men trying to get in my pants...same shit as with non-christian men...its all about their dicks ONLY.
So fuck the getting saved shit...
DID cannot be prayed away. It cannot be exorcised or willed away. It cannot be surgically fixed, and if you use medication, all you have are medicated alters...they are still there.
So, I have only two concrete choices in dealing with this fuck condition:
1. accept and deal
2. suicide or death
there is nothing in between. and I facilitate between those two choices on a daily basis..If it is a "good" day, no triggers, then I choose 1. But if its a bad day, triggers galore, depression, confusion, I have to fight myself to not choose number 2.
Everyday is a fucking flip of the coin: deal or die...
and the shit is, some days they start out number 1...but end up number 2....I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS...but in the life of a DID patient, the struggle is real and palpable.
So far today, I am picking number 1....but the day is just beginning...so we will see...it could be a good day all day or just turn to shit with a trigger...its a fucking crap-shoot.
S
Thursday, June 18, 2020
I linger...
I don't have many pleasant memories of my childhood. But, one thing I do remember is; I use to put a small bible under my pillow so God would protect me and I would not have nightmares. I also would pray that Jesus would not come again, until I have had a baby. That is all I ever wanted...
God did not protect me or take away the nightmares.
My only goal, what I wanted to be when I grew up, was to be a mother. To have children, to love them, cherish them and nurture. all the things I did not have as a child. I wanted to find a man who would be a "good" father, a "good provider" and a soft spirit. A man who does not drink alcohol or do drugs. A man who is very slow to anger and respectable in his job.
I found that man. I married that man. That man was the perfect father and husband. But he was not perfect for me. But, that did not matter....my children were my first and only priority.
My kids are now grown, with families of their own. My job as mother is finished. I did exactly what I sat out to do...
Now, it is my time...but at what end? Now that I do not have a central focus, I am "out of control". I have nothing to make me feel important or needed...There is nobody that really needs me.
The only ones who really need me are my alters. They need me to stay alive so they can stay alive. Selfish.
I thought I would be happy, free to begin again....but the "again" is marred by alters and confusion...do I regret leaving my "home" and moving away....leaving my husband? NO, I do not.
I only regret that my life is over. Now I am just waiting for my body to give out and die.
I do not have an identity. I am not Johns wife, or the kids mom. Not anymore. I am not Sparrow. I do not have my own singular identity. Apparently I am Ally, Lilly, Sophie, Kaos, Tessa, Sammy and Sparrow. I am a heinz 57 of a person.
I think I was happier when I was blissfully unaware of my alters. I think I was happier just being fucking ignorant to myself. Not knowing was better for me. It is easier to live in the dark.
No wonder my advocate holds things from me. I cannot be trusted to react like an adult. I cannot be trusted at all, because there are fucking 7 of me....the ultimate HYPOCRITE....my head is hypocritical...I am a conglomerate of mixed patterns of thinking, so I appear wishy washy......WELL THAT IS THE TRUTH.
I have a useless life now, save for taking care of a couple animals...Nobody needs me anymore. And that is okay. I finished what I started all those years ago. My life is done.
Now I just linger....
S
God did not protect me or take away the nightmares.
My only goal, what I wanted to be when I grew up, was to be a mother. To have children, to love them, cherish them and nurture. all the things I did not have as a child. I wanted to find a man who would be a "good" father, a "good provider" and a soft spirit. A man who does not drink alcohol or do drugs. A man who is very slow to anger and respectable in his job.
I found that man. I married that man. That man was the perfect father and husband. But he was not perfect for me. But, that did not matter....my children were my first and only priority.
My kids are now grown, with families of their own. My job as mother is finished. I did exactly what I sat out to do...
Now, it is my time...but at what end? Now that I do not have a central focus, I am "out of control". I have nothing to make me feel important or needed...There is nobody that really needs me.
The only ones who really need me are my alters. They need me to stay alive so they can stay alive. Selfish.
I thought I would be happy, free to begin again....but the "again" is marred by alters and confusion...do I regret leaving my "home" and moving away....leaving my husband? NO, I do not.
I only regret that my life is over. Now I am just waiting for my body to give out and die.
I do not have an identity. I am not Johns wife, or the kids mom. Not anymore. I am not Sparrow. I do not have my own singular identity. Apparently I am Ally, Lilly, Sophie, Kaos, Tessa, Sammy and Sparrow. I am a heinz 57 of a person.
I think I was happier when I was blissfully unaware of my alters. I think I was happier just being fucking ignorant to myself. Not knowing was better for me. It is easier to live in the dark.
No wonder my advocate holds things from me. I cannot be trusted to react like an adult. I cannot be trusted at all, because there are fucking 7 of me....the ultimate HYPOCRITE....my head is hypocritical...I am a conglomerate of mixed patterns of thinking, so I appear wishy washy......WELL THAT IS THE TRUTH.
I have a useless life now, save for taking care of a couple animals...Nobody needs me anymore. And that is okay. I finished what I started all those years ago. My life is done.
Now I just linger....
S
solitary life
I walk a lonely road
steps that lead to nowhere.
The stairs I climb
never end,
Just when I think I am okay,
I am not...
I live a solitary life,
yet I am crowded...
I try to speak,
but everyone talks at once,
I am lost
in this head of mine....
feelings of doom
constantly invade my heart
freedom is for the free,
I am a captive.
I will never be free
my life is a death sentence.
___________________________________________________________________________
That was not really a poem, but more just phrases that come to my head, so I write them down.
Sleep did not come easy for me last night. I was so restless, constantly waking...My dreams were a marathon of memories encompassed in a nightmare that never ended....A nightmare that still refuses to end, even though I am awake.
When I now look at myself in a mirror, when I look into my reflected eyes...I don't see Sparrow anymore....I see 6 other pairs of eyes looking back at me....a freak.
My mind is a horror movie....I am literally possessed by 6 personalities...I am going to start referring to them as 6 little monsters. I refer to my tumors as pearls, my alters are monsters.....
I am science fiction....I am a study on how horrible a brain can be, how monsters are made...how children are destroyed and how being a freak is more interesting to others than just being a single normal person.
If I was not a mental freak, challenge or puzzle to be solved, or problem to be solved, my advocate would not be as interested in me, Sparrow. He is an intelligent man. He is a scientist at heart, and he is a fixer....When is he going to realize that I can not be fixed? When all his efforts are exhausted and he has nothing else to teach me or whatever, then he will move along to his next project. Not everything can be fixed or made well again. No amount of logical science can help me....my brain is deformed and retarded.
Frankly I am fucking amazed that I am still alive...despite the multiple brain tumors, despite the fucking altered state of my head, I still manage to have a heart beat.
But the way I see it...everyday is one day closer to my last day........
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, it seems that my advocate also keeps things from me. Over a year ago my landlord tried to evict me...why? because I simply don't like him....no grounds for eviction. My advocate talked with him, defused the situation, and I never knew that I had once been evicted from my apartment. What I don't know won't hurt me right?
Isn't that what parents do with their children? keep them in the dark about things that might upset them...I am a grown up woman, yet because of my stupid fucked head, he decided I was too unstable to deal with my landlord. He would never have even told me, but something came up in conversation, so he told me. WHAT ELSE IS HE KEEPING FROM ME FOR MY OWN GOOD?
Its a goddamn shame that he even felt like he had to keep this from me. He has to babysit me. Its a fucking shame that I am so unstable that I cannot deal with basic life shit. how can I be an adult, try and act like one, yet I have to be shielded and handled with kit gloves...I truly am a retard.
And the very reason he did not tell me...is the very reason I hate myself. I am out of control and a retarded idiot. I cannot take care of myself, obviously.
s
steps that lead to nowhere.
The stairs I climb
never end,
Just when I think I am okay,
I am not...
I live a solitary life,
yet I am crowded...
I try to speak,
but everyone talks at once,
I am lost
in this head of mine....
feelings of doom
constantly invade my heart
freedom is for the free,
I am a captive.
I will never be free
my life is a death sentence.
___________________________________________________________________________
That was not really a poem, but more just phrases that come to my head, so I write them down.
Sleep did not come easy for me last night. I was so restless, constantly waking...My dreams were a marathon of memories encompassed in a nightmare that never ended....A nightmare that still refuses to end, even though I am awake.
When I now look at myself in a mirror, when I look into my reflected eyes...I don't see Sparrow anymore....I see 6 other pairs of eyes looking back at me....a freak.
My mind is a horror movie....I am literally possessed by 6 personalities...I am going to start referring to them as 6 little monsters. I refer to my tumors as pearls, my alters are monsters.....
I am science fiction....I am a study on how horrible a brain can be, how monsters are made...how children are destroyed and how being a freak is more interesting to others than just being a single normal person.
If I was not a mental freak, challenge or puzzle to be solved, or problem to be solved, my advocate would not be as interested in me, Sparrow. He is an intelligent man. He is a scientist at heart, and he is a fixer....When is he going to realize that I can not be fixed? When all his efforts are exhausted and he has nothing else to teach me or whatever, then he will move along to his next project. Not everything can be fixed or made well again. No amount of logical science can help me....my brain is deformed and retarded.
Frankly I am fucking amazed that I am still alive...despite the multiple brain tumors, despite the fucking altered state of my head, I still manage to have a heart beat.
But the way I see it...everyday is one day closer to my last day........
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, it seems that my advocate also keeps things from me. Over a year ago my landlord tried to evict me...why? because I simply don't like him....no grounds for eviction. My advocate talked with him, defused the situation, and I never knew that I had once been evicted from my apartment. What I don't know won't hurt me right?
Isn't that what parents do with their children? keep them in the dark about things that might upset them...I am a grown up woman, yet because of my stupid fucked head, he decided I was too unstable to deal with my landlord. He would never have even told me, but something came up in conversation, so he told me. WHAT ELSE IS HE KEEPING FROM ME FOR MY OWN GOOD?
Its a goddamn shame that he even felt like he had to keep this from me. He has to babysit me. Its a fucking shame that I am so unstable that I cannot deal with basic life shit. how can I be an adult, try and act like one, yet I have to be shielded and handled with kit gloves...I truly am a retard.
And the very reason he did not tell me...is the very reason I hate myself. I am out of control and a retarded idiot. I cannot take care of myself, obviously.
s
Wednesday, June 17, 2020
never free
ok, so, I do not want to have DID anymore. Now that I know without a doubt I do indeed suffer from this disorder, I don't want it. It was better for me to be in the dark about it. I seemed to muddle through life just fine, when I was fucking blissfully unaware.
Now, I second guess myself all the time. If I lose even 5 damn minutes, I am freaking that one of the others fronted...When I get confused, my mind now, instantly goes too "what the fuck is wrong with one of them now"....I feel like a mother to 6 fucking brats.
I use to really enjoy being around my advocate. We had fun all the time. Now, I feel he just watches me, waiting for one of the others to front...NOT watching me because he loves me, but waiting for me to become someone else...Also, my alters are now so fucking comfortable with him around they front for no apparent reasons anymore...I am losing more and more of me. It is becoming the advocate and alter show. I am being phased out......and if the alters are me, then I am losing more and more of Sparrow..I am a fucking stranger to myself.
I was fun, exciting and new....now I am a problem to figure out, a science experiment, a puzzle to be put together. Seems all we talk about is "the others". I am sick of them....I am no longer an individual person, I am a walking head case...a freak. I am not whole, I am only 1/7 th of a human.
I was so happy and excited to leave my life in Oklahoma and strike out in a new direction. I was finally able to be free of rules and breath. I could finally be Sparrow. But in two short years, my happiness and excitement is being crushed....talk about rules now. I have to fucking share my head with 6 other minds, and each one has their own rules and ways of thinking...I am no longer free to be me....I HAVE TO BE FREE TO BE THEM. WHICH MEANS I AM NO LONGER FREE. I AM IN BONDAGE ONCE AGAIN.
I will never be free.
S
Now, I second guess myself all the time. If I lose even 5 damn minutes, I am freaking that one of the others fronted...When I get confused, my mind now, instantly goes too "what the fuck is wrong with one of them now"....I feel like a mother to 6 fucking brats.
I use to really enjoy being around my advocate. We had fun all the time. Now, I feel he just watches me, waiting for one of the others to front...NOT watching me because he loves me, but waiting for me to become someone else...Also, my alters are now so fucking comfortable with him around they front for no apparent reasons anymore...I am losing more and more of me. It is becoming the advocate and alter show. I am being phased out......and if the alters are me, then I am losing more and more of Sparrow..I am a fucking stranger to myself.
I was fun, exciting and new....now I am a problem to figure out, a science experiment, a puzzle to be put together. Seems all we talk about is "the others". I am sick of them....I am no longer an individual person, I am a walking head case...a freak. I am not whole, I am only 1/7 th of a human.
I was so happy and excited to leave my life in Oklahoma and strike out in a new direction. I was finally able to be free of rules and breath. I could finally be Sparrow. But in two short years, my happiness and excitement is being crushed....talk about rules now. I have to fucking share my head with 6 other minds, and each one has their own rules and ways of thinking...I am no longer free to be me....I HAVE TO BE FREE TO BE THEM. WHICH MEANS I AM NO LONGER FREE. I AM IN BONDAGE ONCE AGAIN.
I will never be free.
S
Tuesday, June 16, 2020
Tessa
What to say about Tessa, another alter. She seems to be the problem solver. The get it done kinda girl. She seems to be very even tempered, very calm cool and collected, serious. My advocate is the one that actually spotted her and knew she was not one of the others, he knew she was different. So he watched me, and occasionally he would ask me "what is your name"....he was waiting to catch her, Tessa.
He caught Tessa fronting and asked her "what is your name". He said she was so surprised that he pegged her, she said "how did you know I was not sparrow?. She has never been called out before. She has lived her life, and nobody, not even family ever knew she controlled so much of Sparrow. She is just about perfect being me. She sounds the same, looks the same, drives, does all the things Sparrow does. She also said that she has a college education. wow
When I look back now, there have been many many situations that called for a calm, in control, practical, non feeling, strong willed woman. for example when Sparrow met Jett.....Jett had wrapped his motorcycle around a pole and I was the first to drive up...it was a bloody gruesome scene, but I literally kept jett alive until EMSA got there, in fact, I was doing such a good job of keeping Jett awake and coherent that EMSA worked on him all around me, and did not have me leave his side or stop talking to him until he was ready to load on the gurney. BUT NOW I KNOW THAT WAS TESSA TENDING TO JETT. Not, sparrow.
another time a cement truck turned over on the highway, again I was first on scene and I helped the driver climb out of the truck, and his face had been partially severed by an ax that had been hanging in the cab of the truck...it was gruesome...but I sat him down on the side of the road, used a shirt to hold up the half of his face to his skull and apply pressure...I kept the man talking to keep him from going into shock, until EMSA arrived, then I turned right around and gave an interview to a newscrew at the scene....ALL VERY CALM COOL AND COLLECTED. That was not sparrow.
Tessa has been taking care of business since her "birth". Where the others have jobs:
Lilly-protector
Ally-little, stress reliever
Sammy- stress reliever, dancer, mute
Sophie-punisher
Kaos-sexual
Tessa-problem solver
Sparrow-host body
Interesting the way all these alters work to make Sparrow a whole person....Interesting how they are all so different...yet they all work together as a team...when I let them, that is!
I do not know what Tessa looks like, which hand she uses, etc...I guess all that will evolve as she talks more and more with my advocate. I am guessing she sees herself as Sparrow looks...since she is the very best at imitating me.
S
Tessa has blue eyes and is right handed.
He caught Tessa fronting and asked her "what is your name". He said she was so surprised that he pegged her, she said "how did you know I was not sparrow?. She has never been called out before. She has lived her life, and nobody, not even family ever knew she controlled so much of Sparrow. She is just about perfect being me. She sounds the same, looks the same, drives, does all the things Sparrow does. She also said that she has a college education. wow
When I look back now, there have been many many situations that called for a calm, in control, practical, non feeling, strong willed woman. for example when Sparrow met Jett.....Jett had wrapped his motorcycle around a pole and I was the first to drive up...it was a bloody gruesome scene, but I literally kept jett alive until EMSA got there, in fact, I was doing such a good job of keeping Jett awake and coherent that EMSA worked on him all around me, and did not have me leave his side or stop talking to him until he was ready to load on the gurney. BUT NOW I KNOW THAT WAS TESSA TENDING TO JETT. Not, sparrow.
another time a cement truck turned over on the highway, again I was first on scene and I helped the driver climb out of the truck, and his face had been partially severed by an ax that had been hanging in the cab of the truck...it was gruesome...but I sat him down on the side of the road, used a shirt to hold up the half of his face to his skull and apply pressure...I kept the man talking to keep him from going into shock, until EMSA arrived, then I turned right around and gave an interview to a newscrew at the scene....ALL VERY CALM COOL AND COLLECTED. That was not sparrow.
Tessa has been taking care of business since her "birth". Where the others have jobs:
Lilly-protector
Ally-little, stress reliever
Sammy- stress reliever, dancer, mute
Sophie-punisher
Kaos-sexual
Tessa-problem solver
Sparrow-host body
Interesting the way all these alters work to make Sparrow a whole person....Interesting how they are all so different...yet they all work together as a team...when I let them, that is!
I do not know what Tessa looks like, which hand she uses, etc...I guess all that will evolve as she talks more and more with my advocate. I am guessing she sees herself as Sparrow looks...since she is the very best at imitating me.
S
Tessa has blue eyes and is right handed.
Saturday, June 13, 2020
dinner music
So, yesterday I was cooking dinner on my new gas range...my advocate was in the living room and the stereo was on.
Everything was fine and dandy, until a certain song came on the radio. I tried to ignore the song, but I felt myself starting to drift. That song triggered someone or something in me....I started going far away in my head...finally, I caught sight of my advocate and squeaked out..."turn that off".....
Before I was totally gone...I went into the other room and grabbed my sensory box. I was in a dream like stance, I could smell the cachet of grapevine...but I was still drifting...my advocate went into the kitchen and grabbed an ice pack out of the freezer and put it on the back of my neck.
That did the trick...it snapped me back to "present" day...the drifting dazed- like feeling (disassociating) was gone, I was back to myself. The rest of the evening was good.
Music is a trigger, it can trigger good memories, like most music does, or it can trigger really bad memories. Or, it can put me in a hypnotic type state. My advocate wants me to listen to a different type of music. Like country....fuck that! I can't stand country, gospel, rap, pop or orchestra music. He said the messages in the songs I listen to are depressing, too angry and spawn too many negative memories. Well he is right. But the music I listen too, tells the life of the artist. They sing about their frustrations, their anger, their rage, they channel their angst into the music, thus making it productive and not destructive. Hard rock and alternative rock speaks to me...it tells my story. And alot of the music I listen too, Sammy loves because she will front and start dancing. Which is actually a stress reliever for me.
I am learning to "as soon as I hear a song that sparks concern inside me" I will shut it off. The problem with what happened yesterday, is my hands were busy in the kitchen and I could not turn off the stereo, so I tried to ignore the song...but I couldn't. That is why the disassociation spread. Not every song is a trigger...I can listen to music all fucking day long and never disassociate, but then a certain song and boom....I am floating away in my head....and I go away...when I come back, I am either fine and dandy, or I have fresh wounds from Sophie fighting me over a fuck memory....
Its a crap shoot!
On another note, my brother, has decided to use his birth fathers last name on a social media sight. The name of the man, who brutalized me and my mother. The name of the man who was the sickest fuck drunk on the planet. When I saw his name on the sight, I literally felt like I was going to puke. My brother has no fucking ideal what that man did to me. My brother never knew his father. My step dad has been his father his entire life. But my brother, the fucking idiot, dropped his good name and replaced it with a horrible fucked up name. The ultimate slap in the face for our "dad". A huge slap in my face.
My sister is not happy about that either. She said he is being a big fat ass also. She thinks he is trying to hide his identity for some reason. whatever.
All I know is, my brother has no fucking ideal about the monster he is choosing to represent by using his name.
S
Everything was fine and dandy, until a certain song came on the radio. I tried to ignore the song, but I felt myself starting to drift. That song triggered someone or something in me....I started going far away in my head...finally, I caught sight of my advocate and squeaked out..."turn that off".....
Before I was totally gone...I went into the other room and grabbed my sensory box. I was in a dream like stance, I could smell the cachet of grapevine...but I was still drifting...my advocate went into the kitchen and grabbed an ice pack out of the freezer and put it on the back of my neck.
That did the trick...it snapped me back to "present" day...the drifting dazed- like feeling (disassociating) was gone, I was back to myself. The rest of the evening was good.
Music is a trigger, it can trigger good memories, like most music does, or it can trigger really bad memories. Or, it can put me in a hypnotic type state. My advocate wants me to listen to a different type of music. Like country....fuck that! I can't stand country, gospel, rap, pop or orchestra music. He said the messages in the songs I listen to are depressing, too angry and spawn too many negative memories. Well he is right. But the music I listen too, tells the life of the artist. They sing about their frustrations, their anger, their rage, they channel their angst into the music, thus making it productive and not destructive. Hard rock and alternative rock speaks to me...it tells my story. And alot of the music I listen too, Sammy loves because she will front and start dancing. Which is actually a stress reliever for me.
I am learning to "as soon as I hear a song that sparks concern inside me" I will shut it off. The problem with what happened yesterday, is my hands were busy in the kitchen and I could not turn off the stereo, so I tried to ignore the song...but I couldn't. That is why the disassociation spread. Not every song is a trigger...I can listen to music all fucking day long and never disassociate, but then a certain song and boom....I am floating away in my head....and I go away...when I come back, I am either fine and dandy, or I have fresh wounds from Sophie fighting me over a fuck memory....
Its a crap shoot!
On another note, my brother, has decided to use his birth fathers last name on a social media sight. The name of the man, who brutalized me and my mother. The name of the man who was the sickest fuck drunk on the planet. When I saw his name on the sight, I literally felt like I was going to puke. My brother has no fucking ideal what that man did to me. My brother never knew his father. My step dad has been his father his entire life. But my brother, the fucking idiot, dropped his good name and replaced it with a horrible fucked up name. The ultimate slap in the face for our "dad". A huge slap in my face.
My sister is not happy about that either. She said he is being a big fat ass also. She thinks he is trying to hide his identity for some reason. whatever.
All I know is, my brother has no fucking ideal about the monster he is choosing to represent by using his name.
S
Thursday, June 11, 2020
another one
So, there is indeed another alter. FUCK
She did not give her name, but she talked with the advocate yesterday. Evidently she is the one that has been mimicking "Sparrow" for years...seems my family and friends have interacted with "her" and not even known it.
All I know about her is that she is very good at pretending to be me, and she does not like to be touched or cuddled.
I GIVE UP....I AM TIRED....I HATE ALL THESE ALTERS....
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE...
OR MAYBE SINCE I AM A FUCKING ALTER TOO, I SHOULD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE....
HOW DO I DO THAT? How do I shut them down, make them go away.....do you know what it is like to lose time? To do something one hour previously and think it was done a day ago...or not remember doing it at all? or saying the same damn thing over and over because you forgot? I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING FOOL.
I don't have dementia or Alzheimer's disease. I have fucking alters that put those two diseases to shame....and to make matters worse, the knowledge or memory might be in my head, but it is in one of their heads, so one alter may remember one thing the other does not.
SO, WHO LEFT THE MILK OUT?
should I call each one out and ask them individually?
Ally, did you?
Lilly, did you?
Sophie, did you?
Sammy, did you?
Kaos, did you?
NO NAME, did you?
Sparrow, did you?
SEE HOW FUCKING STUPID AND INSANE HAVING DID IS? not even a "real" medical illness....just a stupid fucked up brain....
I can't imagine anyone wanting to be my friend. They would not even know who the fuck they are talking too or interacting with...DID is a friend killer.....One alter may be good with one thing, but hate another, and the another may love what the other hates and love something different. So, interacting with me will make me appear as a "hypocrite" because one day, I may think one way, then the next another personality thinks differently...
For example: friend "do you like coffee"
Sparrow "why yes I do"
next day: friend "lets go get coffee"
different alter "I hate coffee".....
Yet the friend does not know who they are talking too...So I, Sparrow, just ends up looking like a fucking fool and liar and hypocrite.
DID IS A RELATIONSHIP KILLER
S and whoever the fuck else....
--------------------------------------------------------------------
PS. Found out the new alter's name is Tessa.
She did not give her name, but she talked with the advocate yesterday. Evidently she is the one that has been mimicking "Sparrow" for years...seems my family and friends have interacted with "her" and not even known it.
All I know about her is that she is very good at pretending to be me, and she does not like to be touched or cuddled.
I GIVE UP....I AM TIRED....I HATE ALL THESE ALTERS....
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE...
OR MAYBE SINCE I AM A FUCKING ALTER TOO, I SHOULD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE....
HOW DO I DO THAT? How do I shut them down, make them go away.....do you know what it is like to lose time? To do something one hour previously and think it was done a day ago...or not remember doing it at all? or saying the same damn thing over and over because you forgot? I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING FOOL.
I don't have dementia or Alzheimer's disease. I have fucking alters that put those two diseases to shame....and to make matters worse, the knowledge or memory might be in my head, but it is in one of their heads, so one alter may remember one thing the other does not.
SO, WHO LEFT THE MILK OUT?
should I call each one out and ask them individually?
Ally, did you?
Lilly, did you?
Sophie, did you?
Sammy, did you?
Kaos, did you?
NO NAME, did you?
Sparrow, did you?
SEE HOW FUCKING STUPID AND INSANE HAVING DID IS? not even a "real" medical illness....just a stupid fucked up brain....
I can't imagine anyone wanting to be my friend. They would not even know who the fuck they are talking too or interacting with...DID is a friend killer.....One alter may be good with one thing, but hate another, and the another may love what the other hates and love something different. So, interacting with me will make me appear as a "hypocrite" because one day, I may think one way, then the next another personality thinks differently...
For example: friend "do you like coffee"
Sparrow "why yes I do"
next day: friend "lets go get coffee"
different alter "I hate coffee".....
Yet the friend does not know who they are talking too...So I, Sparrow, just ends up looking like a fucking fool and liar and hypocrite.
DID IS A RELATIONSHIP KILLER
S and whoever the fuck else....
--------------------------------------------------------------------
PS. Found out the new alter's name is Tessa.
Tuesday, June 9, 2020
a single mirror
So, its Tuesday. I am sitting here typing and watching the squirrels and birds eat their kibble I put out for them. It is also overcast and looks like rain. A cozy day in my treehouse.
After my "fat" rant yesterday, my advocate had me come over to his place and he gave me an "attitude adjustment"....The mirror in front of my eyes, is not the mirror in front of his...
I threw away the chips that Ally wanted. She got pretty upset about that...but I am determined to lose at least 10 pounds. To get back down to 102-4 is my goal. No matter what my alters think or feel about the situation. Sparrow is the host, its her physical body that the world sees..(when the girls look into a mirror when they are fronting, they see themselves...their image, they don't see Sparrow...) so I am the one who has to deal with a fat or broken body...they get to flit in and out without any hindrances...LUCKY
Even though Sparrow is an alter too, Sparrows body is the host, and I have to be a good steward of that body...I am not only responsible for me, I am responsible to 5 other girls, all which live in my head...but are real people. Once when I was very depressed and suicidal, I was with my advocate and Ally fronted. She was upset too, because if Sparrow killed herself, she would also die, along with Lilly, Sammy, Sophie and Kaos. Sparrow would be in a sense a mass murderer. WOW...NOW THINK ABOUT THAT A MINUTE....ISN'T THAT A MIND FUCK???
FUCK it is so fucking weird having a split personality...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a mirror
stands a girl,
she is blonde
and she is host.
In that mirror
stands a girl,
she is small
and she is young.
Another mirror
stands a girl,
she is mighty
and she is fierce.
Inside a mirror
stands a girl,
she is shy
and she has no voice.
A lone mirror
stands a girl,
she hovers
and she guards.
A single mirror
with many girls
all standing
needing to be heard,
needing to be seen...
S
After my "fat" rant yesterday, my advocate had me come over to his place and he gave me an "attitude adjustment"....The mirror in front of my eyes, is not the mirror in front of his...
I threw away the chips that Ally wanted. She got pretty upset about that...but I am determined to lose at least 10 pounds. To get back down to 102-4 is my goal. No matter what my alters think or feel about the situation. Sparrow is the host, its her physical body that the world sees..(when the girls look into a mirror when they are fronting, they see themselves...their image, they don't see Sparrow...) so I am the one who has to deal with a fat or broken body...they get to flit in and out without any hindrances...LUCKY
Even though Sparrow is an alter too, Sparrows body is the host, and I have to be a good steward of that body...I am not only responsible for me, I am responsible to 5 other girls, all which live in my head...but are real people. Once when I was very depressed and suicidal, I was with my advocate and Ally fronted. She was upset too, because if Sparrow killed herself, she would also die, along with Lilly, Sammy, Sophie and Kaos. Sparrow would be in a sense a mass murderer. WOW...NOW THINK ABOUT THAT A MINUTE....ISN'T THAT A MIND FUCK???
FUCK it is so fucking weird having a split personality...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a mirror
stands a girl,
she is blonde
and she is host.
In that mirror
stands a girl,
she is small
and she is young.
Another mirror
stands a girl,
she is mighty
and she is fierce.
Inside a mirror
stands a girl,
she is shy
and she has no voice.
A lone mirror
stands a girl,
she hovers
and she guards.
A single mirror
with many girls
all standing
needing to be heard,
needing to be seen...
S
Monday, June 8, 2020
fat fuck
So, because of the holidays, then the 2 mos home quarantine because of the fuck virus shit, I have went from 100 pounds to 116! 16 fucking pounds.....this is what I weighed when I was so unhappily married. I am so frustrated.
I have been walking/running for almost 2 weeks, eating less than 1300 calories a day, and this morning the fucking scale said 116...when 2 days ago it read 113. I am really depressed...I have been busting my ass, dieting and fucking gaining weight.
I look horrible naked. fat dimples and jello fat all over my ass and thighs....I HATE THE WAY I LOOK AND FEEL.
I cant bare to look at myself, naked. Imagine how I feel if somebody else sees me naked...mortified, gross, undesirable, disgusting...that is how I look....
So, I felt like I was doing good...exercising, being more active, taking Boomer walking, going kayaking, hiking and I am doing nothing more but packing on the fucking pounds......
My advocate let me buy these fat laced chips for Ally....well fuck that...those fucking chips are going in the trash can.....fuck Ally and her fat self...Sparrow is the host, she has the body...fuck any alter that thinks they can fucking eat shit junk food....
I refuse to buy bigger clothes, and the ones I have now are so fucking tight and uncomfortable....I AM SO MISERABLE IN MY OWN SKIN AND BODY. I FUCKING HATE THE WAY I LOOK....I AM A FAT FUCKING GROSS SLOB.
I don't want anybody looking at me, or touching me....Not until I feel like I am looking better...for me to have sex now, after getting on the scale and being so fucking deflated, would be torture and humiliation.
My fat fuck body is humiliating to look at, touch, everything....I wish I had a burka....I would wear it.
I know I am not obese, or fat by societies standards, but for my small bones, short stature and stumpy legs, being 10-16 pounds overweight stands out like a fucking sore thumb.....
'LOOK AT HER, SHE IS A GROSS FAT FUCK'
WATCH IT WIGGLE
YOU CAN PUT WATER IN THE DIMPLES OF HER CELLULITE
AGAIN, I hate being me. I hate my head, my alters, and I hate my body, I hate my age, I hate myself.
S
I have been walking/running for almost 2 weeks, eating less than 1300 calories a day, and this morning the fucking scale said 116...when 2 days ago it read 113. I am really depressed...I have been busting my ass, dieting and fucking gaining weight.
I look horrible naked. fat dimples and jello fat all over my ass and thighs....I HATE THE WAY I LOOK AND FEEL.
I cant bare to look at myself, naked. Imagine how I feel if somebody else sees me naked...mortified, gross, undesirable, disgusting...that is how I look....
So, I felt like I was doing good...exercising, being more active, taking Boomer walking, going kayaking, hiking and I am doing nothing more but packing on the fucking pounds......
My advocate let me buy these fat laced chips for Ally....well fuck that...those fucking chips are going in the trash can.....fuck Ally and her fat self...Sparrow is the host, she has the body...fuck any alter that thinks they can fucking eat shit junk food....
I refuse to buy bigger clothes, and the ones I have now are so fucking tight and uncomfortable....I AM SO MISERABLE IN MY OWN SKIN AND BODY. I FUCKING HATE THE WAY I LOOK....I AM A FAT FUCKING GROSS SLOB.
I don't want anybody looking at me, or touching me....Not until I feel like I am looking better...for me to have sex now, after getting on the scale and being so fucking deflated, would be torture and humiliation.
My fat fuck body is humiliating to look at, touch, everything....I wish I had a burka....I would wear it.
I know I am not obese, or fat by societies standards, but for my small bones, short stature and stumpy legs, being 10-16 pounds overweight stands out like a fucking sore thumb.....
'LOOK AT HER, SHE IS A GROSS FAT FUCK'
WATCH IT WIGGLE
YOU CAN PUT WATER IN THE DIMPLES OF HER CELLULITE
AGAIN, I hate being me. I hate my head, my alters, and I hate my body, I hate my age, I hate myself.
S
Sunday, June 7, 2020
Sparrow, the alter
So now that I am learning to recognize when an alter is fronting, or if one wants to front, I can be more accommodating.
Last night, I was watching TV with my advocate. Nothing special, just a show...and I found myself drifting...my eyes were on the show, but I started to float above my body...disassociating..I think.
I could not feel Ally's giggle in my chest, I did not see Lilly over my shoulder, I was not clenching my fist like Sophie...but something in my head was churning.....I started to loose track with the show, in fact, I do not remember the episode we watched, it became a blur in my head. .....So I just sat there, and pretended to watch the show...but all the while I am trying to think, why is this happening? is one of the girls trying to front? Is one "unhappy" or "confused"? I really didn't know......I started losing a bit of time...all the sudden the show was on another episode....wow....
Earlier yesterday morning, I went out for my run and decided to go into an apartment development in my neighborhood...I ran into the complex and was walking/running around the place, kinda in my own world and then "like a bolt of lightening" it occurred to me that I was lost. In my walking/running around the complex I zoned out, not paying attention and ended up lost as I could be....Every apartment looked the same, all the roads looked the same...every turn I made was lost....I knew in my rational head I was less than 3 miles from my own apartment, so I just meandered along the complex until I saw a familiar marking (pool) and finally found the road out....I don't remember actually walking around the apartment complex, I remember going into the place, seeing the pool off to the right, then I remember not being able to find my way out...How long was I zoning out? probably around 20 minutes or so, but just long enough to get completely lost and disoriented. I deliberately kept myself from panicking, and kept my focus and eventually found my way out and back home...It is a very scary creepy feeling to be in a familiar area then suddenly be in a very foreign and different area and not know how you got to that point. its like on Star Trek and teleporting...I am here, then I am there....WTF
My advocate seems to think I may have another alter which we are not aware of yet....maybe....but this "maybe" alter, does not seem to have any tell-tale signs...no apparitions, no giggle, no clenched fist, no music, just a soft drifting in my head....a comfortable detachment. A feeling of floating, drifting...here in the present but not really in the present...I think my advocate has noticed this before in me....not sure...
The feeling is kinda like being really stoned on pot. Very relaxed, very tingling, certainly feeling that sense of intense well being...floating like....that is what disassociation feels like. At least in the very beginning before an alter fronts completely..its a relaxing type of intro to the alter....does that make sense??
I know for me, when that feeling starts coming on, I need to get my sensory box and snap myself back to reality...like smelling salts under the nose to stop a faint... but also, I need to try and discern why? are there any triggers, what is going on around me, am I watching something, reading something, what is causing the disassociation? Often times it is obvious, other times there seems to be no reason for my mind drift...it just happens...I lose time...or I lose focus...
Then there are the fucking headaches...which headaches are the alters and which are the more than 13 brain tumors I have? It is damn near impossible to tell alter headache from tumor headache...my headaches are constant...the only time they seem to not hurt me is when Ally or Sammy are fronting...at least that is what my advocate told me...or has noticed...do they somehow mask the pain?
I am really "scared" that I might have another alter..that would be 7 counting "me, Sparrow"...even though I feel Sparrow is the host, whenever another alter is fronting and present, Sparrow is that alters alter....Sparrow is an alter too...each of my personalities are complete individuals, we all just share the same body, so makes sense that when Ally is out and playing, Sparrow to her, is an alter or another person....she refers to Sparrow at times..so my alters are aware of each other...wow...
Fuck this DID shit is so convoluted...so many variables, so many puzzle pieces, so confusing....it seems that "when I had no ideal I had alters" my life seemed so normal....but now that I am aware of them, I can see how they have flitted in and out my entire life...I can see how not normal I was....I am not normal...
Will I ever be a normal human being? NOPE....but then, what is normal?
S
Last night, I was watching TV with my advocate. Nothing special, just a show...and I found myself drifting...my eyes were on the show, but I started to float above my body...disassociating..I think.
I could not feel Ally's giggle in my chest, I did not see Lilly over my shoulder, I was not clenching my fist like Sophie...but something in my head was churning.....I started to loose track with the show, in fact, I do not remember the episode we watched, it became a blur in my head. .....So I just sat there, and pretended to watch the show...but all the while I am trying to think, why is this happening? is one of the girls trying to front? Is one "unhappy" or "confused"? I really didn't know......I started losing a bit of time...all the sudden the show was on another episode....wow....
My advocate seems to think I may have another alter which we are not aware of yet....maybe....but this "maybe" alter, does not seem to have any tell-tale signs...no apparitions, no giggle, no clenched fist, no music, just a soft drifting in my head....a comfortable detachment. A feeling of floating, drifting...here in the present but not really in the present...I think my advocate has noticed this before in me....not sure...
The feeling is kinda like being really stoned on pot. Very relaxed, very tingling, certainly feeling that sense of intense well being...floating like....that is what disassociation feels like. At least in the very beginning before an alter fronts completely..its a relaxing type of intro to the alter....does that make sense??
I know for me, when that feeling starts coming on, I need to get my sensory box and snap myself back to reality...like smelling salts under the nose to stop a faint... but also, I need to try and discern why? are there any triggers, what is going on around me, am I watching something, reading something, what is causing the disassociation? Often times it is obvious, other times there seems to be no reason for my mind drift...it just happens...I lose time...or I lose focus...
Then there are the fucking headaches...which headaches are the alters and which are the more than 13 brain tumors I have? It is damn near impossible to tell alter headache from tumor headache...my headaches are constant...the only time they seem to not hurt me is when Ally or Sammy are fronting...at least that is what my advocate told me...or has noticed...do they somehow mask the pain?
I am really "scared" that I might have another alter..that would be 7 counting "me, Sparrow"...even though I feel Sparrow is the host, whenever another alter is fronting and present, Sparrow is that alters alter....Sparrow is an alter too...each of my personalities are complete individuals, we all just share the same body, so makes sense that when Ally is out and playing, Sparrow to her, is an alter or another person....she refers to Sparrow at times..so my alters are aware of each other...wow...
Fuck this DID shit is so convoluted...so many variables, so many puzzle pieces, so confusing....it seems that "when I had no ideal I had alters" my life seemed so normal....but now that I am aware of them, I can see how they have flitted in and out my entire life...I can see how not normal I was....I am not normal...
Will I ever be a normal human being? NOPE....but then, what is normal?
S
Saturday, June 6, 2020
RANTING
You know, there is covid-19 epidemic, rioting, political discord and so much fucking bullshit in the world...not like that has never been happening before now its just we have social media, live streaming and every other damn thing to bring all these "fuck" issues to our living room. This is not a new normal, the only thing new is the media, this shit has been going on since the dawn of time...
Christians are hollering, its the end of the times, and it getting close to Armageddon...they are feeding the fires of discontent and fear....
The black population is screaming about racism and inequality, and fucking up national monuments because somehow that makes them feel better???? vandalism, looting, killing, "black lives matter" etc...how does that make them any better than the fuck white folks doing the same damn thing????
Whites are revolting because they feel their rights are being trampled on because they have to wear a damn face mask in public for now....Big fucking babies...whiny ass fuckers....selfish pricks.
AND EVERYONE WANTS TO BLAME EVERYTHING ON THE PRESIDENT. Yes he is a fucking idiot, but HE is not the reason people are acting like fucking fools....He is not controlling the people...he is not making black people act like fools, he is not making white people act like fools...that is ON THEM, quit blaming others, quit blaming slavery for gods sake, quit blaming gay pride, for gods sake, quit blaming government...fuck, even quit blaming GOD for your fuck up decisions.....
BLAME YOURSELF: if your life sucks, thats on you. YOU MAKE IT BETTER....stop looking for hand outs and free shit, get off your ass and work for it.
Rich people got rich because they worked their asses off, took risks and made it. They didn't take government handouts, charity, they worked...sweated and labored and prospered. If you are too fucking lazy to actually get an education, get a job, work towards a dream..then you deserve to be labeled white or black trash....
So fucking sick of black people moaning "oh always me, we are so oppressed, profiled etc..." instead of rioting marching and looting, why don't you "pull up your panties and become respectable, and get a job.?" Same goes for the white trash rioting and looting too, fucking grow up and be humans...all of you are no better than fucking animals.....
I can't rant on facebook, so here is my rant. AMERICA FUCKING GROW UP, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT HERE, FUCKING LEAVE...
s
Christians are hollering, its the end of the times, and it getting close to Armageddon...they are feeding the fires of discontent and fear....
The black population is screaming about racism and inequality, and fucking up national monuments because somehow that makes them feel better???? vandalism, looting, killing, "black lives matter" etc...how does that make them any better than the fuck white folks doing the same damn thing????
Whites are revolting because they feel their rights are being trampled on because they have to wear a damn face mask in public for now....Big fucking babies...whiny ass fuckers....selfish pricks.
AND EVERYONE WANTS TO BLAME EVERYTHING ON THE PRESIDENT. Yes he is a fucking idiot, but HE is not the reason people are acting like fucking fools....He is not controlling the people...he is not making black people act like fools, he is not making white people act like fools...that is ON THEM, quit blaming others, quit blaming slavery for gods sake, quit blaming gay pride, for gods sake, quit blaming government...fuck, even quit blaming GOD for your fuck up decisions.....
BLAME YOURSELF: if your life sucks, thats on you. YOU MAKE IT BETTER....stop looking for hand outs and free shit, get off your ass and work for it.
Rich people got rich because they worked their asses off, took risks and made it. They didn't take government handouts, charity, they worked...sweated and labored and prospered. If you are too fucking lazy to actually get an education, get a job, work towards a dream..then you deserve to be labeled white or black trash....
So fucking sick of black people moaning "oh always me, we are so oppressed, profiled etc..." instead of rioting marching and looting, why don't you "pull up your panties and become respectable, and get a job.?" Same goes for the white trash rioting and looting too, fucking grow up and be humans...all of you are no better than fucking animals.....
I can't rant on facebook, so here is my rant. AMERICA FUCKING GROW UP, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT HERE, FUCKING LEAVE...
s
Friday, June 5, 2020
Storms
So, I had another memory last night, in fact, I was dreaming, and the dream woke me up...then the memory came.
Yesterday as my Advocate and I were driving, he drove into a really major thunderstorm, the rain was so hard you could barely see the road, lightening and thunder all around....and he was talking....I don't remember what he was saying ....I disassociated, then Sammy appeared. Sammy does not talk, but she signed that she "did not like rain"...so, Sammy does not like thunderstorms...huh?
We pondered why, my advocate and I.....
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Once upon a time, there was this little girl who did not like thunderstorms. She would hide in her bed or in her closet, when the lightening started. One day it was thundering in the distance and starting to rain, she ran and hid in her closet. The dad, was looking for her, she didn't know why, she had not broken anything...but he was calling for her...he entered her room, and opened the closet door and saw her crouched in the corner...
It was starting to rain harder, the dad said "you did not pick up your stuff outside...get out there and pick it up"...he meant now! But it was raining so hard, the lightening was louder and she was scared.
The little girl said "but it is raining so hard"...He grabbed her arm and hauled her out of the closet, dragged her across the house to the back yard (all the while she was crying, scared shitless) he opened the door and pushed her outside, into the torrential rain storm, to pick up her toys...
She could not see where her toys were, the rain was covering them...she was so scared...she tried to go back into the house but he had locked the door....
The storm was so bad, it started hailing, lightening all around, thunder so loud it was like explosions going off all around her....she crouched against the side of the house, and covered her ears...she closed her eyes and started humming....
When the storm passed, the back door was opened...she came into the house, soaking dripping wet...she had dirty feet and tracked mud and debris onto the kitchen floor...the mom yelled at her for getting the floor muddy...she was sent to her room and was not allowed to eat dinner that night.
She was such a bad girl for leaving her things outside and tracking mud into the house...She was hungry, cold, scared...but, she was back in her room with Chrissy...she was safe.
S
(this may have been the birth of Sammy)
Yesterday as my Advocate and I were driving, he drove into a really major thunderstorm, the rain was so hard you could barely see the road, lightening and thunder all around....and he was talking....I don't remember what he was saying ....I disassociated, then Sammy appeared. Sammy does not talk, but she signed that she "did not like rain"...so, Sammy does not like thunderstorms...huh?
We pondered why, my advocate and I.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, there was this little girl who did not like thunderstorms. She would hide in her bed or in her closet, when the lightening started. One day it was thundering in the distance and starting to rain, she ran and hid in her closet. The dad, was looking for her, she didn't know why, she had not broken anything...but he was calling for her...he entered her room, and opened the closet door and saw her crouched in the corner...
It was starting to rain harder, the dad said "you did not pick up your stuff outside...get out there and pick it up"...he meant now! But it was raining so hard, the lightening was louder and she was scared.
The little girl said "but it is raining so hard"...He grabbed her arm and hauled her out of the closet, dragged her across the house to the back yard (all the while she was crying, scared shitless) he opened the door and pushed her outside, into the torrential rain storm, to pick up her toys...
She could not see where her toys were, the rain was covering them...she was so scared...she tried to go back into the house but he had locked the door....
The storm was so bad, it started hailing, lightening all around, thunder so loud it was like explosions going off all around her....she crouched against the side of the house, and covered her ears...she closed her eyes and started humming....
When the storm passed, the back door was opened...she came into the house, soaking dripping wet...she had dirty feet and tracked mud and debris onto the kitchen floor...the mom yelled at her for getting the floor muddy...she was sent to her room and was not allowed to eat dinner that night.
She was such a bad girl for leaving her things outside and tracking mud into the house...She was hungry, cold, scared...but, she was back in her room with Chrissy...she was safe.
S
(this may have been the birth of Sammy)
Thursday, June 4, 2020
Kayaking with Boomer
I love living in Virginia. Who knew I was an outdoors kinda woman. But I love the mountains, hiking, kayaking, sitting on the balcony of my tree house, listening and watching nature.
Finally the weather was good to take the Kayaks out on the lake.
We, my advocate and Boomer...saddled up with a picnic, beer and off to the lake.
Such a beautiful day. This is my Boomer, the Kayaking dog!
I know I have a lot of mental issues, but Kayaking and the lake, puts all those other issues to rest...Its a vacation for me....on the lake, in the hot sun, with my dog....Perfect retirement.
Also, for the record, Ally (my little girl alter) loves to go Kayaking and she is quite good at paddling a Kayak. She fronted for a bit to play with the Kayak. It was a perfect day all around.
I wish I could be this happy and content all the time. But I know a trigger could come at any moment to cause upset with me and the girls....So, I just live one minute to the next.
S
Finally the weather was good to take the Kayaks out on the lake.
We, my advocate and Boomer...saddled up with a picnic, beer and off to the lake.
Such a beautiful day. This is my Boomer, the Kayaking dog!
I know I have a lot of mental issues, but Kayaking and the lake, puts all those other issues to rest...Its a vacation for me....on the lake, in the hot sun, with my dog....Perfect retirement.
Also, for the record, Ally (my little girl alter) loves to go Kayaking and she is quite good at paddling a Kayak. She fronted for a bit to play with the Kayak. It was a perfect day all around.
I wish I could be this happy and content all the time. But I know a trigger could come at any moment to cause upset with me and the girls....So, I just live one minute to the next.
S
Meet Sparrow
So yesterday was one of the best days of my life! About three years ago, I wrote a poem about a Sparrow (bird) flying against the wind.....
I got the tattoo of a sparrow flying into the wind on my left leg. My friends started calling me "Sparrow" as a nick name. I fell in love with the name. It was so perfect for me, as I am a little person, and I flew the nest (Oklahoma and marriage) and flew against the wind (family and friend disappointment in me) and flew 1000 miles away, and made another new and better and safer nest to live in.
Well, I legally changed my name from "Melissa Anne" to "Sparrow". The final name change decree came in the mail...I am legally and officially Sparrow! Meet Sparrow!
Legal paperwork...Name change...
I feel as if a thousands tons of pressure has been lifted off my shoulders. When I pulled the envelope out of the mailbox, I was so nervous to read it...will the Judge sign it? I had hoped so. I did not have to appear in court. I gave the envelope to my advocate to read...I was to fucking nervous. He read it and said "congratulations, you are Sparrow"....I burst out crying. Not from sadness, but relief, joy, happiness.
It means so much to me and my alters for Melissa to be gone for good. I am a new me. A new place to live, a new life, a new name. I want to be this happy for the rest of my/our lives....
S
I got the tattoo of a sparrow flying into the wind on my left leg. My friends started calling me "Sparrow" as a nick name. I fell in love with the name. It was so perfect for me, as I am a little person, and I flew the nest (Oklahoma and marriage) and flew against the wind (family and friend disappointment in me) and flew 1000 miles away, and made another new and better and safer nest to live in.
Well, I legally changed my name from "Melissa Anne" to "Sparrow". The final name change decree came in the mail...I am legally and officially Sparrow! Meet Sparrow!
I feel as if a thousands tons of pressure has been lifted off my shoulders. When I pulled the envelope out of the mailbox, I was so nervous to read it...will the Judge sign it? I had hoped so. I did not have to appear in court. I gave the envelope to my advocate to read...I was to fucking nervous. He read it and said "congratulations, you are Sparrow"....I burst out crying. Not from sadness, but relief, joy, happiness.
It means so much to me and my alters for Melissa to be gone for good. I am a new me. A new place to live, a new life, a new name. I want to be this happy for the rest of my/our lives....
S
Tuesday, June 2, 2020
DID ignorance
So last night my advocate had me watch a video of a UK doctor who treats DID patients. He answered 20 of the most questions asked about DID.
In going through each of the 20 answers, I found myself in all of his answers. But the coolest part was, everything he does and the way he treats DID patients is the exact way my advocate does me. My advocate is no doctor or shrink. But he is way intelligent and reads and learns but best of all, he watches and observes me. He could be a doctor, when it comes to this disorder.
The doctor explained that DID patients can go years and years and never know that they have the disorder. THAT IS ME
He also said that treating DID patients can't be done in an hour session. It takes years, as trust has to be built for the alters to present. And treatment does not make them go away, or "heals" you. No medications can change it. Treatment is teaching you how to integrate the alters, how to come together and work together. How to have a life. To be a team.
He even talked about MRIs, that DID is an actual condition that shows up on MRI's. huh.
I kept thinking about that video. I thought about it all night, so sleep wasn't the greatest.
Also, I recently talked with a girl on social media who said she had DID, but it is not as bad anymore......WTF??? DID is not BAD. and she obviously does not have it, she probably has panic attacks and anxiety. This just proved to me the obstacle I have in front of me....society really has no clue as to the true nature of DID. I feel she just really doesn't know what it is, maybe heard of it and self-diagnosed herself with it...
( I talked more with this woman and turns out she has disassociative disorder...not DID but very similiar.)
When we go public, I will have to be ready for nay-sayers and misinformation, not only with regular people, but doctors too. Some doctors flat deny DID, saying it is just severe PTSD.
Of course DID people have PTSD...it took a severe trauma in childhood to cause the brain to split. But not all PTSD people automatically have DID.
DID forms when the brain is still forming, impressionable and growing....an adult who is kidnapped, raped for days or whatever, will most likely develop PTSD and other emotional conditions because of the trauma, but not DID.
DID is probably established with the trauma happening in childhood. When the child associates the trauma with the very people that are suppose to love them.
For me, my parents horribly abused me, but then they turned around and fed me, clothed me, and gave me shelter and a bed. To me that was love, yet they did unspeakable things too me that I, in my little brain, could not accept as love..so confused...that the brain split.
Each alter has a point of birth. And a reason for being. They have specific "jobs" within my body and mind. There are physical changes. Sometimes I know when I am "fronting" an alter. Sometimes I have no clue one is fronting and out and about.
The brain is a weird organ. I am trying to be clinical in my approach to them. I am trying real hard to be detached from them when I write. But even now as I am typing, I see "Lilly" hovering just over my right shoulder in my peripheral vision. I am not sure why she is here.....maybe I am getting angry about something....
So, I am done blogging today. I need to relax my thinking mind and let "Lilly" front or not....
So, on another note. I had a friend on facebook unfriend me from both my pages. One of the pages is about my DID and lifestyle, the other is my public page. She has decided that she cannot deal with me and the alters. She does not understand, so therefore she is dumping me. Instead of trying to learn and understand, she is like "fuck you, I am out of here"....THIS IS THE FUCKING STORY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. I will never have "friends" the conventional way. I will never have a girlfriend who accepts all of me. I am destined to be alone....I will have all kinds of "curious" lookieloos...acquaintances who say "they are my friend" but only because I am different and they are waiting for the DID show.
DID is another people killer....a friend killer...a marriage killer...a family killer....DID promotes isolation and condemnation and is not a condition that is conducive to "real friendship". It is not like cancer, where that is socially acceptable and embraced by the public...DID is a freak condition...like the people born with two heads or whatever...only I have fucking 6 heads....
I will NEVER be looked upon as a real person. I will never have a real "girlfriend, best friend"...my advocate is all I have. I am truly so fucking alone in my misery of DID.
That is the real travesty of DID. Not the trauma that caused it, but the "drama" people give you. The ignorance and abandonment that happens, and the fucking "lip service" only people give to pacify me. No better than the fucking christians with their "I will pray for you bullshit." Instead of a person trying to learn and understand this condition and treat me like a whole person, they will just flat fucking leave you. Just like that.
ABANDONMENT AND TRAUMA ALL OVER AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN....
S
I believe Sophie wrote that last line....
In going through each of the 20 answers, I found myself in all of his answers. But the coolest part was, everything he does and the way he treats DID patients is the exact way my advocate does me. My advocate is no doctor or shrink. But he is way intelligent and reads and learns but best of all, he watches and observes me. He could be a doctor, when it comes to this disorder.
The doctor explained that DID patients can go years and years and never know that they have the disorder. THAT IS ME
He also said that treating DID patients can't be done in an hour session. It takes years, as trust has to be built for the alters to present. And treatment does not make them go away, or "heals" you. No medications can change it. Treatment is teaching you how to integrate the alters, how to come together and work together. How to have a life. To be a team.
He even talked about MRIs, that DID is an actual condition that shows up on MRI's. huh.
I kept thinking about that video. I thought about it all night, so sleep wasn't the greatest.
Also, I recently talked with a girl on social media who said she had DID, but it is not as bad anymore......WTF??? DID is not BAD. and she obviously does not have it, she probably has panic attacks and anxiety. This just proved to me the obstacle I have in front of me....society really has no clue as to the true nature of DID. I feel she just really doesn't know what it is, maybe heard of it and self-diagnosed herself with it...
( I talked more with this woman and turns out she has disassociative disorder...not DID but very similiar.)
When we go public, I will have to be ready for nay-sayers and misinformation, not only with regular people, but doctors too. Some doctors flat deny DID, saying it is just severe PTSD.
Of course DID people have PTSD...it took a severe trauma in childhood to cause the brain to split. But not all PTSD people automatically have DID.
DID forms when the brain is still forming, impressionable and growing....an adult who is kidnapped, raped for days or whatever, will most likely develop PTSD and other emotional conditions because of the trauma, but not DID.
DID is probably established with the trauma happening in childhood. When the child associates the trauma with the very people that are suppose to love them.
For me, my parents horribly abused me, but then they turned around and fed me, clothed me, and gave me shelter and a bed. To me that was love, yet they did unspeakable things too me that I, in my little brain, could not accept as love..so confused...that the brain split.
Each alter has a point of birth. And a reason for being. They have specific "jobs" within my body and mind. There are physical changes. Sometimes I know when I am "fronting" an alter. Sometimes I have no clue one is fronting and out and about.
The brain is a weird organ. I am trying to be clinical in my approach to them. I am trying real hard to be detached from them when I write. But even now as I am typing, I see "Lilly" hovering just over my right shoulder in my peripheral vision. I am not sure why she is here.....maybe I am getting angry about something....
So, I am done blogging today. I need to relax my thinking mind and let "Lilly" front or not....
So, on another note. I had a friend on facebook unfriend me from both my pages. One of the pages is about my DID and lifestyle, the other is my public page. She has decided that she cannot deal with me and the alters. She does not understand, so therefore she is dumping me. Instead of trying to learn and understand, she is like "fuck you, I am out of here"....THIS IS THE FUCKING STORY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. I will never have "friends" the conventional way. I will never have a girlfriend who accepts all of me. I am destined to be alone....I will have all kinds of "curious" lookieloos...acquaintances who say "they are my friend" but only because I am different and they are waiting for the DID show.
DID is another people killer....a friend killer...a marriage killer...a family killer....DID promotes isolation and condemnation and is not a condition that is conducive to "real friendship". It is not like cancer, where that is socially acceptable and embraced by the public...DID is a freak condition...like the people born with two heads or whatever...only I have fucking 6 heads....
I will NEVER be looked upon as a real person. I will never have a real "girlfriend, best friend"...my advocate is all I have. I am truly so fucking alone in my misery of DID.
That is the real travesty of DID. Not the trauma that caused it, but the "drama" people give you. The ignorance and abandonment that happens, and the fucking "lip service" only people give to pacify me. No better than the fucking christians with their "I will pray for you bullshit." Instead of a person trying to learn and understand this condition and treat me like a whole person, they will just flat fucking leave you. Just like that.
ABANDONMENT AND TRAUMA ALL OVER AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN....
S
I believe Sophie wrote that last line....
Monday, June 1, 2020
So scared...
So, I feel like yesterday was a good day. I went and cleaned up my advocates apartment. Him and I watched TV for a little while then I came home. It was around 5:30 pm. I texted him I was home, then about 30 minutes later I texted him again...it was important, he did not answer, I tried calling...no answer...silence from his end for almost 2 hours.
I got nervous. He lives alone and is my age. All the sudden all these horrible thoughts go driving through my brain. He had a heart attack, he fell down the stairs, stroke...even, he has a woman over there (that one was just the insecure girl in me! haha)
I could not stop the racing thoughts in my brain. My advocate is my lifeline, my everything, the alters love and trust him, I would die if anything happened to him.....we all would.
I started getting scared...I caught myself numerous times "clenching my fist" which is usually a tell tell sign of Sophie. I felt like crying "probably Ally"...I was so scared, the scaredness became being terrified.....Lilly emerged and the next thing I knew, I was half-way to his place in my car. Lilly drove...Lilly, evidently, got me off my ass and over to his place to check on him.
As I was climbing the stairs to his place, I was trying real hard to control my breathing and to not see him suffering....I heard the TV when I opened his door....
there he was, asleep in front of the TV. SLEEPING. I had also thought he fell asleep, but he has never fallen asleep like that before 630 or 700pm. That is why I was so nervous/scared. His phone for some reason was in his closet, which was why he did not answer it. He always answers my calls or texts too...
So, I was flooded with relief. All the girls, I felt, heaved a huge sigh of relief. However, one was still really angry that he was so absent minded about his phone. She wanted to punch him in the nose....must have been Sophie (my angry alter). My advocate is not only my friend, but also my alters only friend....He is the one that helps me navigate my new life here in Virginia and with my alters. I would fucking die if something ever happened to him. I, we, are extremely attached to him.
This morning when I woke up, my doll was in my arms and I was holding her tightly. That would be "Ally" hanging on to her only reality. That doll was given to her by the advocate.
It is times like this, that I wish we lived together, my advocate and me...but at the same time, I need my own apartment. I need to learn to live with alters, yet have a place to grow my independence. I love living alone, having my own space. My alters like it too, as I have found they are out and about pretty much periodically all day long...
So, in the end.....He fell asleep.....its all good in my world, once again.
S
I got nervous. He lives alone and is my age. All the sudden all these horrible thoughts go driving through my brain. He had a heart attack, he fell down the stairs, stroke...even, he has a woman over there (that one was just the insecure girl in me! haha)
I could not stop the racing thoughts in my brain. My advocate is my lifeline, my everything, the alters love and trust him, I would die if anything happened to him.....we all would.
I started getting scared...I caught myself numerous times "clenching my fist" which is usually a tell tell sign of Sophie. I felt like crying "probably Ally"...I was so scared, the scaredness became being terrified.....Lilly emerged and the next thing I knew, I was half-way to his place in my car. Lilly drove...Lilly, evidently, got me off my ass and over to his place to check on him.
As I was climbing the stairs to his place, I was trying real hard to control my breathing and to not see him suffering....I heard the TV when I opened his door....
there he was, asleep in front of the TV. SLEEPING. I had also thought he fell asleep, but he has never fallen asleep like that before 630 or 700pm. That is why I was so nervous/scared. His phone for some reason was in his closet, which was why he did not answer it. He always answers my calls or texts too...
So, I was flooded with relief. All the girls, I felt, heaved a huge sigh of relief. However, one was still really angry that he was so absent minded about his phone. She wanted to punch him in the nose....must have been Sophie (my angry alter). My advocate is not only my friend, but also my alters only friend....He is the one that helps me navigate my new life here in Virginia and with my alters. I would fucking die if something ever happened to him. I, we, are extremely attached to him.
This morning when I woke up, my doll was in my arms and I was holding her tightly. That would be "Ally" hanging on to her only reality. That doll was given to her by the advocate.
It is times like this, that I wish we lived together, my advocate and me...but at the same time, I need my own apartment. I need to learn to live with alters, yet have a place to grow my independence. I love living alone, having my own space. My alters like it too, as I have found they are out and about pretty much periodically all day long...
So, in the end.....He fell asleep.....its all good in my world, once again.
S
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