that woman with DID

So lately, I feel I have been doing pretty good at navigating my alters, accepting them and trying to understand and integrate with them.  By far, Ally is the one that fronts the most and I am the most integrated with.   Three of them, may just be fractured personalities, where Lilly and Ally are whole alters....

I don't know, it is still so confusing, because I have no knowledge when they are fronting or why...

So basically, I am just going day by day....
It is  hard though.   Just the fucking knowledge that your  brain is fractured and broken is a bitter taste in my mouth.  I am trying so hard to be "normal".   

I want to be like everybody else.  On facebook, a good friend of mine posted a response to another friend of mine.  In the post she listed all her best girlfriends.  I was not on that list.  I thought I was one of her best girlfriends also, but evidently not.  Evidently she is not the good friend I thought her to be.

My insecurity of these fucking alters tell me that while "on the outside" she may act like I am her friend, but "on the inside" I am not.  It is lip service.  Nobody, really wants a friend like me.  I am now going to be perceived as "unsteady", "weird", mentally crazy,
not trustworthy, too different, whatever.

I mean, seriously, who would want a friend like me?  I have 6 or more fucking alternate personalities, and some of those personalities are not friendly or friend material.  Those alters would scare off any person who wanted to even try and be my friend.

I really believe that my biggest fear of going public about my DID is actually a reality.

My "friends" will give me lip service and be my friend in public, but in private, I am not a really their friend.  I am an acquaintance or "the girl they went to high school with"  that has "DID".

I will be forever known as "that woman with DID".  Not, Sparrow, not even Melissa.

I truly am alone in this world.  My one advocate,  I love them, but...the more they learn about me, the more they "see" me, maybe one day they will grow tired and walk away.   
I know trying to be with me is hard.  It must be fucking confusing as hell to discern which "alter" is out and why and deal with that alter.  Nobody signed up for this.  

I did not sign up for this.  If you think it must be hard being around me/us...imagine how I must feel??

So I get it.  I am not a best girlfriend or best friend to anybody.  I am an island....always have been, always will be.

THANK YOU FUCK CHILDHOOD...

S