Why is it so hard for me to understand things? Soon as anyone tries to explain something to me, especially with technical things (computer, phone, appliances etc..) my head says "fuck that shit" and the person might as well be speaking Russian.
I am the most stupid ignorant woman in the world. Is it just fucking Sparrow, or do my alters make me the idiot I am.?
Even trying to read a fucking book, the words start to become "russian" and I can't concentrate or follow along the bouncing ball....
It is fucking amazing I can even turn on a curling iron, or drive a goddamn car.
and when someone is patiently trying to explain something to me, if I don't get it right away, then my head is fucked and I start getting extremely frustrated, irritated...I start actually feeling as dumb as I am...my head becomes mush, retarded and so fucking simple I might as well be an inanimate object or drooling simpleton.
Instead of having a 128 IQ, I now have a 40 IQ. super stupid, super dumb, super ignorant, and can't figure out shit. I need a goddamn fucking babysitter...I have to have someone who is smarter, normal and intelligent to assist me on the very things a normal, smarter, intelligent person should naturally be able to fucking do.
I read that people with DID have a higher than average IQ or they have a very high IQ. I was tested in college, and scored 128 IQ, which is deemed highly intelligent...blah blah blah...my thoughts are this...maybe I did at one point have a very intelligent mind quotient, but DID has diminished that quotient. DID has made my intelligence fall to the "stupid dumb blonde childlike retarded brain damaged imbecile." I AM NOT IN THE LEAST INTELLIGENT. DID AND THE BRAIN INJURY/TUMORS HAVE TURNED A BRIGHT SMART CAPABLE INTELLIGENT WOMAN INTO A BABBLING DROOLING IDIOT THAT HAS TO HAVE HER HAND HELD AND TOLD WHAT, WHERE, WHO AND WHEN TO DO ANYTHING....I AM NOTHING MORE THAN A CHILD.
It is a good thing I have a "Legal Power of Attorney" to make decisions for me, do anything that pertains to fuck Sparrow..because left up to me, Sparrow...I would be fucked to the umpth degree...I am nothing more than a babbling fucking idiot human.
And why do I get over the top angry with myself when I don't understand something? Why do I get so mad at myself...that is not natural...again, I AM NOTHING BUT A STUPID FREAK.
I don't know if it is the fucking brain tumors or the fucking alters that make me so fucking stupid and confused all the fucking time. Either way I AM FUCKING SICK OF HAVING TO HAVE EVERYTHING EXPLAINED OR DONE FOR ME LIKE I AM A FUCKING CHILD. I HATE BEING SO GODDAMN FUCKING STUPID...GODDAMN. I HATE BEING CONFUSED ALL THE TIME.
WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE MY LIFE...WHERE IN THE FUCK DID I MESS UP TO DESERVE MY FUCKED BRAIN???WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE TO BE SO STUPID???
AND YES, SPARROW IS AS STUPID AS A FUCKING PERSON CAN GET...IF SHE IS INDEED A FUCKING PERSON AT ALL....AND NOT A 6 HEADED MONSTER.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------ps....I am pretty sure Sophie helped me write this....
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