Two days ago, my advocate, his little boy and me went and played Miniature Golf. We had a great day...the entire day was drama free, if I remember correctly. The the very next day:
I get up, get my coffee, and go to read the news on my laptop, and the laptop was broken. Talk about the straw on the proverbial camels back...I SNAPPED.
My gas fireplace is broke. My stove/oven is broke, my jeep had a flat tire, and then the computer quit.
The rest of the day is a blur of in and out conscientiousness. I vaguely remember anything of the day. My head was screaming in pain because Lilly was out all day, Sophie was out, Sammy came out, and so did Ally. My advocate said they all made appearances periodically through out the day. The pain in my head was so great, I was sick at my stomach and my insulin levels were all over the map.
However, Sophie did not destroy anything. Sparrow did not go into a rage and trash her house or Ally's toys. But Sophie made up for it. She smacked my forearm against something and left a huge bruise and swelling of the muscle.
I believe Sophie does this (self-harm) to refocus my internal pain and aggravation and anger onto myself. The acute pain, snaps me back to Sparrow. Sophie also takes it upon herself to be my punisher. She feels she is the only one who can hurt me, discipline me or whatever the fuck she thinks I need.... She has explained this to my advocate her reasons for hurting me.
It is so tricky, having these alters. To the outside person looking in, they see "Sparrow" screaming and yelling, banging her arm against a wall or table or whatever, trashing something, being totally out of control. But that is not Sparrow. That is Sophie....My advocate is trying real hard to placate some type of deal with her...to bring down the rage and punishment level that is Sophie.
On a lighter note, obviously my laptop is fixed as I am here typing. The nail in my tire was repaired and the Mr. Tire did not charge me. I ordered a new stove and refrigerator to be delivered in a couple of weeks, and my advocate is ordering the part to fix my fireplace. NONE of those issues were earth shattering and should not have ever caused me to go off the deep in....but the frustration of everything breaking made my head think I am fucking breaking everything because I am such a stupid fuck, can't do anything right..and then I snap! Growing up as a kid, I was blamed for everything, seriously, even my mother blamed me for breaking things she fucking broke...she would tell my "step dad" and he would bust my ass...so now today, when something breaks, I immediately blame myself and start freaking out...then boom Sophie!!!!!!!!
It is so weird...I can feel myself getting angry at myself...I can feel the pressure building (I got my sensory box to try and refocus, but I was too far gone when I got the box out for it to help)...but this time I fucking could not stop the pressure
...it is almost as if unconsciously I am wanting Sophie to hurt me because I need to be punished..It is so fucking hard to shake off that pressure...I cannot do it, not yet. But as I learn coping mechanisms, talk more about my alters, accept them and their particular jobs, and give myself a fucking break, I should get better.
I HOPE SO.
I am beyond thankful for my advocate. He understands me better than I understand myself. And HE HAS THE PATIENCE OF A GOD. HE IS MY GOD.
This is why it is for a DID person to have someone in their corner who "knows" what is going on. My husband did not know, nor did he care, nor would he have had the gumption to try and learn about DID and help me. He is too wrapped up in himself/his god/and his job....Back in Oklahoma right after my brain injury, I went to some TBI support groups. My husband went to one with me. After the group meeting, he informed me, he did not need these meetings. He has his Bible and his God to lean on and seek help from. THIS IS WHY I KNOW FOR A FACT he would not have supported me at all in my DID. fuck him
I am sure DID, undiagnosed (and even diagnosed) is the leading cause for divorce...because it is difficult to manage multiple identities. It is exhausting and can really try a normal persons nerves. Plus the drama of having these is way too much for a "normal" person to understand and even want to understand....
Anyway...today, I am feeling more relaxed...however my arm is hurting like a bitch....THANK YOU SOPHIE
S
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