So, I have been told that I sleep walk. I have evidently sleep walked since I was a small child. In oklahoma, we even had a security system on our home to keep me (and the kids) in the house at night....(didn't really get the alarm for burglers!!)
I can always tell when I sleep walk. Before I go to bed at night, the entire apartment is straightened up and everything is in its rightful place.
When I wake up the next day, I can walk around and see things that have been moved or played with.
Well....my sleep walking was not actual sleep walking. It is my alter, Ally, most of the time. When I am sleeping or napping, she will use that time to front and play. She will play with her dolls, color or whatever the fuck little kids do, then she will lay down and later I wake up.
When I was on my 5000 mile trip a couple of years back and staying at a motel, I swam in the indoor pool and did not even know it. The next morning when I got up, my shorts and shirt were in a wet heep on the floor....I "went swimming", not sure which alter did the swimming, but FUCK, how weird. Thus, the security system...haha
Now I look back and realize the "sleep walking" was not what I was doing, I had no clue that it was an "alter" doing the walking around and playing, not me, not me asleep...but my other me!
So much of my past behavior, was just passed off as "well thats Missy, or thats Melissa, or thats mom" and nobody really noticed me.
I have been invisible my entire life, until now.
Everything is starting to make sense. Why did I do this or that? well, it wasn't me....it was an alter. WOW
The black outs I have had my entire life, were not black outs at all, they were the times my "alters" were fronting...
So much of what I blamed the brain tumors for, was actually not all those tumors at all, but "all those alters, instead"...
It is tricky for me, because some of my weird oddities are tumor related because all the fucking tumors (13+) in my frontal lobes, which is the cognitive, and personality hub of the brain. And there is also radiation damage to my frontal lobes....
I think the tumors cause :most of the headaches
- my inability to read long passages in books or magazines in books or magazines
- alot of my forgetfulness
- my ability to concentrate
- and the PTSD and panic attacks
- my personality (no longer Melissa)
But the alters can cause some of those too....My brain really is a
conundrum of questions and hypothesis...
Is it the brain damage and brain tumors?
Is it the "alters"?
One thing is for sure, the brain tumors are documented and I have pictures of them, they are reality.
My alters are also documented and were with me before the brain tumors and subsequent brain radiation surgery and brain injury.
So I have two very different brain conditions, that are at odds with eachother but are having to work together....it makes for a Neurologist wet dream...haha
Another weird thing about my brain...I can't remember shit, I forget day to day activities, I forget places I have been or things I have seen, etc...BUT I remember pictures.
for example: Do you remember us going to the beach.?
- Immediately, in my brain, I start flipping over pictures....if I took a picture of me at the beach, my mind can find the picture and say "ok" yea, I have a picture of the beach.
If there is no picture taken of that beach visit. It is gone from my memory forever, ....I still will not remember actually being at the beach, but if I find a picture, then at least I know, I was at the beach and seemed to enjoy it by the smile on my face....and I can say, I have been to the beach.
This is why I take thousands of pictures...The only "memories" I have of my kids childhoods is because of all the millions of pictures I took...I can see pics of their parties, accomplishments, sports etc..and know that I was there....don't remember being there, but the pics prove I was there and was loving my kids.
Same with movies and TV...if I watch the movie, I will remember every part of the movie for ever more, because a movie is just a moving picture show....a series of pictures on film...I can remember every movie I have ever scene, because of my "picture" memory brain....fucking weird as hell....
Now if I go to the theater and watch a play or dramatic re-inaction, if there are no pictures taken, I will not remember the play...I have to have pictures, not necessarily to remember the event, but to reassure myself that I have done this or that and was happy or whatever while I was doing it....
Sometimes, though, and this is starting to happen more frequently, a picture will spawn a memory...or a picture can be a trigger. A picture may help me remember something good or happy, and it can also cause me to remember something tragic or horrible...
My mind is a Rolodex of pictures. I scroll through to see if I remember or was there...However, a couple of my alters remember everything. They remember things I do not remember...so how is that for fucking weird and bizarre?
Again, I am a Neurologist wet dream...
S
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