My Daddy

I miss my daddy.  But, I am so thankful he is not alive today to see what his daughter has become.   My daddy loved me, he loved my husband and he loved his lord and savior.  My daddy always told me that I "did good" by marrying my  husband.  He was so proud of me and my kids, he was so proud when my husband and I stepped up to adopt my nephew and to raise him as our son.   He was so fucking proud of my husband.  He bragged about him all the time.  What a great man, father, husband, christian.  My daddy  had no ideal I was so miserable in my marriage.  My daddy had no ideal I cheated on my husband, I did drugs, whatever....He was proud of me.

I am glad he died.   Because I could not bear to look into his eyes today.  I could not bear the disappointment I would see there.  The disappointment of me leaving my husband and family, the disappointment of me moving so far away, and especially the disappointment he would have because I walked away from Christianity and his lord and savior.  He would be shocked and angry that I embraced Wicca.  I fear he would have disowned me.  My brothers have...

I am so glad he cannot see the type of daughter I really am...the kind of woman I am, the person I have become.  And I am relieved beyond all measure that I do not have to tell him about my alters...he would never believe it anyway....

I have a picture of him in his Navy suit.  It was taken exactly one month before he died.  In the picture he is looking and smiling at me...In this picture he was proud of me..

So I look at this picture....and it reminds me of just how far I have fallen.  I failed my daddy.  I am so glad he cannot see my failure.I am so glad he never had to experience the death of his great grandson..I am so glad he never knew the lie I had to live to have the life he thought I had....He gets to rest in peace.   My gift to him.

I loved you daddy, I forgave you a long time ago for leaving me with mom and him...I wish I had been a better daughter to you.

S