Melt down

So yesterday started out a good day.  I got up, had my coffee, looked at the internet news and blogged.

My plans were to pick up a friend and go to the park to check on Gage's Tree.   On the way to pick up the friend, I got lost.  In talking on the phone with the friend, he confused me even more with his directions and when confusion sets in, then anger comes, frustration, etc...then boom......BLACKNESS

One minute I am driving trying to find a place and the next I am being woken up on my bed by my advocate who had been looking for me because apparently Sophie sent him a curse word laden text message.  Yes, Lilly and Sophie can operate my cell phone.

I do not know how I got back to my apartment...but the clues are there....Lilly drove me home.   How do I know that?  Lilly cannot back a car up to park.  I always back into my parking spot, always.  Lilly just pulls the jeep straight in, nose first.  So, Lilly took over when I "lost" it.

Also at some point Sophie fronted, because "stupid pig" was written in sharpie on my arm.  Sophie is my punisher.  Sophie is the alter that harms me.  She has burned me, cut me, even broken bones, written on me, anything to hurt me.  Why???  Not sure, we are just learning about Sophie.  Sophie is extremely angry and is a MMA Fighter to the max!  My advocate has even tangled with her in fisticuffs...haha (He told me this, her hitting him, not him hitting her back... I do not remember).

After I was awakened from what I thought was a nap...the events of the day slowly started coming back...I remember driving to pick up the friend, then taking a nap.....nothing in between.  So when I loose big chunks of time like that it is very confusing and leaves me dazed and in a dreamy like state...

The rest of the day into evening was exhausting for me physically and emotionally.  Part of my exhaustion comes from each alter making an appearance after one of these episodes.  For example, briefly Sophie came out and talked with my advocate and he reassured her that everything was okay and she left shortly afterwards.  Moments later, Sammy fronted without any triggers from music (this is unusual for her) my advocate and her signed for a few moments and then she faded out.  Even my little, Ally, fronted briefly to play.

One thing that we have learned from this episode is that it must be some kind of a system check.  Each alter briefly fronts to check on Sparrow.  They appear to check where she is at, and if she is okay, which of course, exhaust me mentally.  Most people only have one personality and run one brain... I have 6 personalities that run 6 brains independently of each other...that is what I mean by mentally exhausted...talk about a brain workout!

This does not happen everyday, thank goodness.  The trigger that brought out Sophie and Lilly was the "confusion, anger and embarrassment about being lost"  extreme confusion and frustration are triggers...

My sleep last night in bed, was very restless, I tossed and turned all night...which also happens after a "fuck" day.

S