She has 5 alters, and they are all male.
She has an alter that wears glasses
she has an alter that is left handed
she has an alter that self-harms her
she has lost time
she is just like me. Only my alters are female, but I have 5. As I was watching the video and listening to her, I started getting waves of nausea and ended up puking. I was fine until the I saw her, then her situation made me sick....her situation is my situation. The similarities between her and me were so "spot on"....I couldn't believe it....I constantly doubt myself...
Is this real?
I am just faking? could I be faking? Like me, sometimes she sees herself as these other alters...she sees what she is doing...sometimes she does not.
Sometimes I can see Ally playing..its like I am in the room but not really, like I am far away watching her through a tube of some sort...I can see the silhouette of Lilly off my right shoulder...
Last night, I was walking into the kitchen and glanced in a mirror and saw "Sophie" my persecutor, my self-harmer. The glance in the mirror was fleeting but I got the impression of a big girl, like Amazon size, with big hair (not stacked on top of head hair) but long and full, light colored....also, Sophie smokes cigarettes.
When I looked again, I saw me. sparrow. I am very small and petite, barely 5'3 and around 110 pounds...the image in the mirror was at least 6 feet tall and strong looking...WOW
I don't know why she allowed me to see her. I have never seen Kaos or Sammy. My advocate believes Kaos is only a fragmented alter. I HOPE SO.
Before my advocate came over last night, I had been in a really upset mood. I was antsy, angry, sad, confused, frustrated and ready to fucking end it all.....But the reason I was feeling all those things was because my alters were each upset (maybe not sammy or kaos) but the others were upset.
Ally was upset because I (sparrow) in a fit of rage, destroyed her Chrissy house and covered up all her toys. (She thought they were gone forever)....Sophie was upset, I think, because Sparrow felt some type of rejection a couple days before (but I don't know what happened as to why she felt that way) and she punished me...She cut up my arm.
...and Lilly was out watching, because that is what she does......
After the video I watched, my advocate asked Ally to front. Which she did, he said she was crying and so scared her toys were broken....he assured her it was all okay, then I guess she left. Then he talked to Sophie. Which I believe, is the first time she ever really talked to him. I can't remember what he told me she said, but he got answers as to why she hurts me physically. She feels like she is the only one who should punish me. I guess.
Oh, and Sophie hates my tattoos. Again, tattoos are painful to get, and she is the one that wants to give me the pain. We made an agreement. All my tatts will be on my left side, for Sparrow, and no tattoos on my right side, for sophie. I know that sounds goofy, but it is a compromise. BUT what is weird...all the tattoos I have are on the left side of my body anyway...the right is not marked up at all except the "R" on my hand for right. Which, Sophie did not like at all...but when my advocate told her why I have a "R" on my hand, she understood, I guess.
It is fucking amazing, that after my advocate talked with all the alters, cleaned up the mess of Allys things, and we discussed the video, I started feeling so much better. The pressure in my head began to clear up, and I felt lighter, easier, happier.
This girl in the video, was married, and her husband loves her. They refer to her alters as a family. I need to start looking at my alters as my family, not my enemies. She had to learn to integrate her alters into her life...she learned to recognize them and accommodate them. WOW....I want to do that, but it is so hard to accept....Plus she had a whole crew of friends that supported her and each of her alters equally. They are friends to her alters as well as herself. I want that. It is just gonna take me a long time to be easy around other people...I have this horrible fear of being looked at as a "circus" show. I have a fear of people only wanting to be my friend so they can hang out with me hoping one of the alters will front...I have a fear of being a curiosity, not really a friend.
I believe it took years for the girl in the video to get to where she is now in her life. I need to be patient, I guess. I want to watch the video again, I missed the last part of it, because I was puking in the toilet....sigh....
S
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