I am Me.

I am starting to learn things about myself, things I didn't know, and things that make me go "hmmmm?"

All my life, I have had periods (black outs) where I end up somewhere I don't remember going, or I do something I don't remember doing.   I use to just chaulk it up to "busy and not being observant"....People would tell me things I said or did, and I don't remember...again I blamed it on just be scatterbrained.

Also, some days I am so happy, and my head feels so light...then BOOM out of the blue, I am so fucking sad, my head feels like the weight of the world, or I will become overly angry or irritated. I blamed that on just being a "female" or overworked mother..

I would have feeling, thoughts, whatever that made no fucking sense.  No reason to feel a certain way...but I would.

Some days, I would dress conservatively, act my age, and other days, no bra, and I would act like a teenager or kid.   One day, perfect little christian wife, the next, wild goth rock and roll woman.   I attributed that behavior to just being bored...

I have seen shrinks, because I was depressed all the time and had constant thoughts of suicide.  I was labeled "Clinically depressed with suicidal ideology".  I was put on a cocktail of drugs and had to see a therapist.   The therapist told me "the head injury and tumors are what is causing the depression and wild range of emotions."

Every time she would ask me "why do you think you are so angry, or sad, or whatever.." and my answer was always this "I don't know".  and I didn't.

I have sought counseling, seen shrinks, talked to ministers, etc, my entire life....and NEVER got the help I needed.  Just a prescription for more drugs.  

Finally, I grew the balls to leave my husband, to leave my family, my home, my state and travel away and start over.   I had to do this, I was literally on the verge of actual suicide (was even locked up).  Something in my head was pushing me forward...I thought it was the brain tumors.  

It was not....It was the alters.   It took me almost 50 fucking years to find a person who actually paid attention to me.  Who actually figured out it was more than the tumors....

I would tell this person my wildest memories (memories that seemed ridiculously false, but ended up true),  he would listen then research and actually  try to find the facts to substantiate my claims or memories.  AND ALL THE MEMORIES WERE FOUND TO BE ACTUAL FACTS AND INCIDENCES IN MY LIFE.

Slowly, my alters (which I was not aware of) began to trust this person.   When they saw that he truly cared, he believed everything I told him, they began to trust him.   This person is NOT a medical doctor of any kind.   BUT he is beyond intelligent, very resourceful and he actually loves me.

I WAS MARRIED TO JOHN 34 YEARS, AND HE NEVER TRIED TO VALIDATE MY MEMORIES.  HE NEVER TRIED TO LISTEN AND HELP ME.  HE WOULD JUST "PRAY" FOR ME.  

My life would have been so much easier had my husband actually saw "me" and worked with me, instead of against me.  I am so fucking angry it took 50 years to finally know "what the fuck is wrong with my head"...now at near 60 yrs old, I have to start all over like a newborn baby, and learn a new way of life.  I have to learn to walk again.

Not only am I living in a place that I have never been too,  I am living alone, and I am coming to terms with my alters, my family.
Ally, Lilly, Sophie, Sammy and Kaos.  My tiny apartment is full of family and life.  

It is gratifying for me to know, that I am not crazy, I am not lying, I am not making up tall tales, I am not having a vivid imagination, I am not on drugs, I am not all the things that I have been told....

I am Sparrow, I am Ally, I am Lilly, I am Sophie, and I am Sammy and I am Kaos.  I am me.  I am working real hard to accept who I really am....

S