Depression and DID

So found out something.....people with DID tend to have more depressive times, more depression, than the "average" person with depression. (average meaning they do not have alters).

This is me.  I can go days at a time and be happy and content as a Lark, then BOOM, depression.  And depression for no apparent or a stupid reaction.   Even certain triggers will throw me into depression.

If one of my alters is unhappy,  then that can cause me to be depressed and not even know why...
So then I have to try and figure out why one of "me" is not happy.....I cannot do this on my own, as I do not and am not aware when they are fronting.  I cannot carry on conversations with them...

"Lilly, are you upset?"   does not happen....I do not interact with them.  So, my advocate helps me to determine why I am angry, upset, depressed or what.  He is getting to know the alters and can even call some of them to front, and they will talk to him.

FOR EXAMPLE:

Once, I was feeling so sad....I could not figure out why, but the sadness was so overwhelming...My advocate called out one of my alters.  Come to find out, my little girl, Ally, was upset because all her toys were put in a box and put away...(they were only packed temporarily to make room for company)...but she did not understand that.  All she thought was "she was bad and her toys were taken away"....My advocate talked with her, told her the situation and assured her she was not in trouble and she was not a bad girl.  The rest of the day, I was happy and content.   The deep sadness was instantly gone.

This is how it works with DID...having someone who knows you, knows your alters, knows your life backstory, and loves you and all of you....they can be such good help and reassurance for sufferers of DID.  An advocate explains things, will record some interactions so I can see and hear for myself, by recording and videotaping my alters,  eliminates the mystery of my "black outs"...it explains my time lost, and it explains my behavior. 

But for any of this to work.  For an advocate to learn of and then be comfortable with the others, and the others feel comfortable with them, there has to be extreme trust.

An alter will not front if asked by strangers, doctors, acquaintances or for show and tell....I cannot call out any of my alters....It takes years for this trust to be built.

Alters are deep rooted,  and set in their ways...just like old people...deep rooted and set in their ways...haha

Getting drunk or high also does not bring them out or make them any closer to coming out...They only front with triggers.  PERIOD,  or they may front for a trusted advocate.  Also, I do not know the alters, I am learning about them and their jobs (yes alters have specific jobs they do for me) but the alters KNOW me.   They speak through my mouth, they hear through my ears, they feel through my body...but they each have their own specific piece of property in my brain.   They have their own space where they store memories and what not...
I may not remember something as Sparrow, but one of the alters will remember what Sparrow cannot remember.   Its fucking bizarre...

So when I post and seem really down, depressed or self destructive, it is usually because of an unhappy alter....like the posts from yesterday.  It took my advocate coming over and dealing with my "girls" to combat my depressive angry state of mind.   It was all good after that.

So, anyway, there is that.

Now, if you see or read that I am angry or depressed or whatever, please don't blow that off and think "well one of her is mad" or make a joke about it.  I have an alter that hurts me, she has broken my bones, cut me, burned me and she has tried to get me to commit  suicide many times...I was even locked up for awhile in a mental hospital.   It is no fucking joking matter when "she " is fronting.  It is a dangerous volatile situation and real as real can be.  And don't think "oh sparrow will get over it, she always does...that is a dangerous comment, because any trigger could set her off and she is very capable of destroying me. 

So don't blow off my moods, but, know that I have an advocate now, that I did not have in the past, and with him, my self-harm girl is becoming less and less frequent, as he figures out just why she does what she does and deals with it.   Be thankful, as I am, that I have him.  It is very very important for a person with DID to have someone to trust...It is my hope and wish that all those suffering with DID have somebody in their life to help them and support them and to love without judgement.

S