brain matter

My bio says, 1 life, 6 alters.   It needs to be changed to 6 lives and no identity.  

Someone said something to me today and it has caused me to pause and think.  Let me preface with a little history.  Each alter has their own unique personality, their own ideals, their own agendas.  When an alter fronts for my advocate, that alter is my identity at that moment.  

But what was said about that identity is what is bothering me.   My advocate said my alters (whoever is fronting) believes that Sparrow is an alter.   To Lilly, sparrow is just as much an alter as the others...

So basically what this boils down too is my entire frontal lobe of my brain, my entire "personality center/ who I am" "my morals, my beliefs, everything is not just Sparrow.  It is a fragmented bowl of mushed brain matter...

I AM NOT WHOLE.

My alters control everything about me.  They even control my sex life.  I cannot even enjoy sex as Sparrow.   Because Sparrow is never allowed to be completely in charge of herself.   Who THE FUCK WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ONE PERSON AND THEN ANOTHER POPS OUT...SURPRISE...

My mother rejected me as a baby and child/teenager/adult.  My daddy rejected me by allowing that monster to adopt me.   My husband rejected me by choosing God over me.  God and his job.
So when I am rejected sexually either because of a fucking alter, or just not in the mood, it hits me like a fucking tital wave.   Here it comes...the anger, sadness, unworthiness, embarrassment for putting myself out there, being so damn ashamed of myself.  I want to run off and hide.  I cannot even show my face....I am filthy and dirty...at least that is how I feel.  My head starts telling me I am ugly, disgusting, fat, stinky, skank.  I deserve to be rejected.

I was told to ask or go after what I want...but when I do just that, I am cast aside and left with an aching need..made to look stupid.  To feel stupid beyond measure.   

The only way I know to combat this fucking shit in my brain is to isolate myself.   To not be around the very ones I ache to be around.  It is the only way to not embarrass myself.  It is the only way I know I will not be rejected.  If I am removed from the situation there is no temptation, no rejection...

I will never accept my alters.  I will never accept that I am a legit person...even my alters think Sparrow is an alter...I have no single identity...I am fragmented, broken and I cannot be fixed.  EVER

THANK YOU MOM FOR NOT ABORTING ME....ONLY I WISHED YOU WOULD HAVE.  I WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF NOT BEING BORN.  

signed,
a tiny piece of brain matter called sparrow