Sophie's anger

I swear, if I knew I didn't have DID, I would swear that I am bi-polar.  My emotions can switch on a fucking dime.

Two days ago, my advocate, his little boy and me went and played Miniature Golf.  We had a great day...the entire day was drama free, if I remember correctly.   The the very next day:

I get up, get my coffee, and go to read the news on my laptop, and the laptop was broken.   Talk about the straw on the proverbial camels back...I SNAPPED.  

My gas fireplace is broke.  My stove/oven is broke, my jeep had a flat tire, and then the computer quit.   

The rest of the day is a blur of in and out conscientiousness.  I vaguely remember anything of the day.  My head was screaming in pain because Lilly was out all day, Sophie was out, Sammy came out, and so did Ally.   My advocate said they all made appearances periodically through out the day.  The pain in my head was so great, I was sick at my stomach and my insulin levels were all over the map.

However,  Sophie did not destroy anything.  Sparrow did not go into a rage and trash her house or Ally's toys.  But Sophie  made up for it.  She smacked my forearm against something and left a huge bruise and swelling of the muscle.  

I believe Sophie does this (self-harm) to refocus my internal pain and aggravation and anger onto myself.  The acute pain, snaps me back to Sparrow.   Sophie also takes it upon herself to be my punisher.   She feels she is the only one who can hurt me, discipline me or whatever the fuck she thinks I need.... She has explained this to my advocate her reasons for hurting me.

It is so tricky, having these alters.  To the outside person looking in, they see "Sparrow" screaming and yelling, banging her arm against a wall or table or whatever, trashing something, being totally out of control.  But that is not Sparrow.  That is Sophie....My advocate is trying real hard to placate some type of deal with her...to bring down the rage and punishment level that is Sophie.

On a lighter note,  obviously my laptop is fixed as I am here typing.  The nail in my tire was repaired and the Mr. Tire did not charge me.  I ordered a new stove and refrigerator to be delivered in a couple of weeks, and my advocate is ordering the part to fix my fireplace.   NONE of those issues were earth shattering and should not have ever caused me to go off the deep in....but the frustration of everything breaking made my head think I am fucking breaking everything because I am such a stupid fuck, can't do anything right..and then I snap!   Growing up as a kid, I was blamed for everything, seriously, even my mother blamed me for breaking things she fucking broke...she would tell my "step dad" and he would bust  my ass...so now today, when something breaks, I immediately blame myself and start freaking out...then boom Sophie!!!!!!!!  

It is so weird...I can feel myself getting angry at myself...I can feel the pressure building (I got my sensory box to try and refocus, but I was too far gone when I got the box out for it to help)...but this time I fucking could not stop the pressure 
...it is almost as if unconsciously I am wanting Sophie to hurt me because I need to be punished..It is so fucking hard to shake off that pressure...I cannot do it, not yet.  But as I learn coping mechanisms, talk more about my alters, accept them and their particular jobs, and give myself a fucking break, I should get better.
I HOPE SO.

I am beyond thankful for my advocate.  He understands me better than I understand myself.  And HE HAS THE PATIENCE OF A GOD.  HE IS MY GOD.

This is why it is for a DID person to have someone in their corner who "knows" what is going on.  My husband did not know, nor did he care, nor would he have had the gumption to try and learn about DID and help me.  He is too wrapped up in himself/his god/and his job....Back in Oklahoma right after my brain injury, I went to some TBI support groups.  My husband went to one with me.  After the group  meeting, he informed me, he did not need these meetings.  He has his Bible and his God to lean on and seek help from.  THIS IS WHY I KNOW FOR A FACT he would not have supported me at all in my DID.   fuck him

I am sure DID, undiagnosed (and even diagnosed) is the leading cause for divorce...because it is difficult to manage multiple identities.  It is exhausting and can really try a normal persons nerves.  Plus the drama of having these is way too much for a "normal" person to understand and even want to understand....

Anyway...today, I am feeling more relaxed...however my arm is hurting like a bitch....THANK YOU SOPHIE

S

The girls.

I am going to try and talk about each alter.  who they are, and everything I currently know about them.  

-Ally:  She is a little, 6-9 yrs old.  She plays with dolls and loves horses and all animals.  She is left handed.  When she presents, my face somehow changes, sudtly, but there are changes.  She has a different voice, a childs voice.  She remembers everything.  She has no fear of heights or any type of phobia.  She sees herself with shortish strawberry blonde hair. (which I had as a small child).  She is always happy and she is "never tired"...haha

-Lilly:  in the beginning, Lilly is the first alter that I was aware of.  Only I was told that she was a demon.  That I was demon possessed with the horrible biblical woman "Lillith".   She was given the name "Lillith'.  Later, christians tried to exorcise her from me...
She is a little taller than me,  and has long dark hair, and she makes my eyes turn black, she has a deeper voice, when she presents.  She always presents by standing just behind my right shoulder, in my peripheral vision.  She is also left handed.  She is very serious.  She can drive a car.  She has very few words when she speaks and is all business all the time.  Lilly has aged from around 6 yrs old to now 19 yrs old.  Lilly can use a cell phone to text.

-Sophie:  I don't know alot about her.  She is my persecuter.  She harms me.  (all my life I have self-harmed myself, burns, bruises, cuts...etc..) but I have learned that Sophie is the one hurting me.  she feels it is her job to punish me, to hurt me.  NO ONE else is allowed to hurt me or punish me.   Sophie, when she presents, I swear, I was told she seems to get taller and her shoulders broader.  she clinches her fists.  Sophie is right handed.  I got a brief glimpse of her in the mirror, she is like the size of an Amazon woman with big hair, brownish.  Long thick big hair.  Not sure of her age, but she is around 20.  She also can type and use a computer.  She is right-handed and she smokes cigarettes.

-Sammy:  Sammy is new to me too....She loves music.  Sammy is a dancer.  Music is her trigger.  She does not speak, but uses sign language to communicate.  she can hear though.  She is very modest, in dress and in mannerisms.  she is right handed.  She can also drive a car.  She can type and use a computer....don't know her age or what she looks like...but I think around 20's.  She also writes.  She does not like thunderstorms and heavy rain...Sammy is 27.  Sammy is lesbian.  She does not like men, as they hurt her.

-Kaos:  Kaos, we believe got her name from the TV show. Get Smart.  We believe she is a fragmented alter.  She only fronts during sex.  The TV show was playing during a very violent moment and during that horrible experience, Kaos was born.  Kaos is very sexual and obviously old enough.  20's??  She really does not speak at all...

Fragmented means: not fully formed.  I do not believe (but I may be wrong) that Kaos is a full identity, but a piece of one.

Tessa:  Tessa is my main alter, I think.  She takes over my day to day chores and such when my mind starts to wander.  She will interact with other people, posing as me (Sparrow)...she has been doing this all my life.   Tessa looks like me, but she says she has blue eyes.  She sounds like me and can mimic me perfectly.  My advocate can only tell her from me, as Tessa, won't kiss him...In fact, my advocate and I have an "understanding".  If he comes over and I do not go over and kiss him, then he knows it is Tessa.  I will make it a point to go and kiss him, but Tessa will not.  Tessa is also right handed...Tessa is christian.

Do I have more alters?  I don't know, maybe.  This is certainly a journey, learning about everyone in my head...haha

I also think that one of the alters has a heart murmur as well.  Just don't know which one that is.  I also am wondering if one of the alters has a vision astigmatism...Some eye doctors tell me I have one, some eye doctors don't see one....weird as fuck, like the heart murmur.

Writing all this sounds like science fiction or the script to a Hollywood movie.  But it is real.  This is reality.  My alters are very real individuals,   so fucking bizarre, but real.  

On a side note:  My dog Boomer, knows when an alter is out.  He does not like Sophie or Lilly...he leaves the room, literally, when they front.  He also knows when Ally is out.  He will play with her and watch her with his intent eyes.  He doesn't mind Tessa.

S

Roommates

I am fucking amazed at how these alters act and react.   They flit in and out all day long......

It amazes me that each alter has their own identity.  They are all different from me, Sparrow.   Its like a distinct family of 5, all in my head.

They each have their own quirks, likes, dislikes, mannerisms, looks, ideals and way of thinking.   Some are left handed, some are right.  Eye colors change, facial features change, body movements change, with each alter.

I am beginning to think that one of the alters has a heart murmur.  So many times, a doctor will tell me I have a murmur, then other doctors say I do not.   I wonder which alter presents that has the heart murmur....

Some of the alters remember everything, whereas Sparrow can't remember shit.  Some alters give me headaches, while others don't...they have different taste in food,  and one alter does not like my tattoos, so I only get tatts on one side of my body....a compromise with Sophie.

My advocate watches me all the time.  Even when I don't know he is looking at me...he can now tell when an alter is fronting, or when I am getting ready to switch, he is learning by my actions which alter is which.  He has told me so many times that my alters are very good at mimicking Sparrow.   

They must be, because nobody has ever noticed them before.  Nobody has paid that much attention to me to even notice when my behavior is "odd" or different or out of character.   I think most people just thought I am weird.....If they only knew the truth!

I really think, that when I become more public and open about having DID, and more and more people start finding out, especially family members, that they will all go "well that explains that"...haha

I believe that my advocate is going to start a YouTube series/show on DID.  Using me, and the knowledge he has sustained to introduce DID to others.  There are alot of DID videos out there,  but each case is different and special to that person.   The more people that put their DID out there, the more the public will see how individual it is and commonplace.   And that we are not "crazy" or "demented" or "broken" as Hollywood likes to portray...

I am not afraid of putting my life out there...I am an open book, and try to be as honest as I can be.  But,  I am nervous too....I don't handle rejection well, so I will not be reading any comments to his YouTube video.

This is not a condition I am particularly fond of...not a condition I would seek out to have, or fake that I have...I would love to be "normal", but I am not.  It is not my fault I have these alters...it is my mothers fault and my step fathers fault.  PERIOD  now I have to learn to deal with it and be okay with the alters.   

And I am trying.  Having all these alters, especially when learning about them, is like being locked in a small room with 5 other strangers...you have to learn their names, their opinions, their likes and dislikes.  You have to learn to trust them, and get along with them because I will never be able to let them out of that small room...they are live in roommates forever.  We all have to make compromise to live together.   I am trying so hard to do just that.

My alters are no longer strangers.  But new friends I am just now getting to meet.  Hopefully, we will learn to live together in harmony.

S

She is me and me and me...

I have written many many poems.  I have written so much...Me, Sparrow...but sometimes my writings are not my own.  

Some of my writings belong to someone else, in my head.  I can't take credit for them...they are not mine.

I "think" Sammy wrote this:  I, sparrow, remember picking up the pencil...but I do not remember writing the words, even though they are written somewhat in my handwriting...I believe they are Sammy's words:

                Lonely eyes,
                looking for a crowd,
                
                Silent words,
                screaming for a voice..

                An absence of touch,
                yearning to feel...

                So many voices
                asking for attention..

                Dancing to a tuneless song 
                only her ears can hear...

                 She is a shattered compass,
                 that can't find her direction.

                A broken rudder
                on a ship lost at sea...

                She is a paper doll,
                of dirty newspapers...

                She is me, and me, and me, and me, and me....

Sparrow, and Sammy

                

GOD is dead

I wish I knew answers to fuck situations.  Why this, why that, why me, why why why.....

I do not believe in a god, so nobody to ask when I am dead...so that leaves me pondering "why the fuck"  I am still alive....

Fucking christians will say "its not for us to know why, but to just know that GOD has a plan and a purpose for your life'...blah blah fucking blah.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS HIS PURPOSE....
   -was his purpose for me to be fucking abused, beat, molested, ridiculed, treated worse than a stray dog, and to be the most abused child in America...EVER
   -was it his purpose for me to have a split mind?  was the abuse allowed so I can have even more fuck identities and be fucking confused my entire life?
  -was it his purpose to send all those fucking christians to make sexual advances towards me, to sacrifice a baby pig on me for Satan?
  -was it his purpose for me to develop fucking brain tumors that have now totaled more than 13...yet I live on...suffering....
   -does he get pleasure watching me fall on my fucking face every time I try to live?????
   -was it his purpose to give me a grandson, then viciously take him away from me with the very brain cancer, that I am living with??

Is this that loving forgiving GOD the christians talk about???  Well, if that is a loving forgiving caring god...NO FUCKING THANK YOU.....FUCK YOU CHRISTIAN NON-EXISTING GOD..WHAT A FUCKING JOKE.

The bible says "suffer the little children"....well that fuck god is good at that...causing suffering....HE or IT does not love children, or anybody for that matter.  The christian god is nothing more than a selfish self-centered narcissistic self righteous conceited pig.

America is saying the COVID-19 is just a governmental coup to control its people....

I SAY CHRISTIANITY is false.  Christianity is nothing more than mind control, money control....it is just as much a coup than anything else...even worse because the public is so fucking stupid and believes all the bullshit that has been handed down to them for generations...heresay...Believing bullshit lies, talk about gullible....

IF THERE TRULY WAS A GOD IN HEAVEN...I WOULD BE DEAD AND MY GRANDSON WOULD BE ALIVE.
  GOD IS DEAD

S

Gage/Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day.   The day where we remember our fallen soldiers and other soldiers who have died in service to our country.

I want to take today to remember the most special soldier ever: my grandson, Private Gage Krupovage.

Gage was the youngest commissioned soldier in America.  At 9 yrs old, he was sworn in as a soldier.  That was his dream to be in the military, to be a soldier.

Gagey died of Chordoma.  But in his death,  his sacrifice enabled other children to live through his organ donation.  His brain tumor was donated to the Chordoma foundation to study and help find a cure for this hideous cancer.

Gage was the ultimate soldier.  He died serving his country, serving the lives of children who get to "live" because of him.   

He may not have fought on the front lines of war...but he fucking fought like hell on the front lines of brain cancer.   His life was taken short, like other soldiers who die to soon....

I miss my little soldier so fucking much, my heart is so broken.

SO THIS MEMORIAL DAY I SALUTE MY GRANDSON.  THE GREATEST SOLDIER IN THE WORLD.

Gage Dillon Krupovage

S

Sensory Box

There are times that my head is in a fog...like I am there, but not really there.  Sometimes I feel distance or blurry...is this a time when I am trying switch?   What causes this Disassociation feeling?  and how do I stop the process without bringing out an alter?

I follow this girl on UTube who also has 5 alters.  She has been really helping me as our situations are so much alike. I can relate to her more than any other DID people I have heard speak. She talked about this very feeling of disassociation she has also, like all DID people feel...

  Dissociation:  disconnection and lack of continuity between
                         thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions, and
                         identity.

But she has a way to reground herself.  She has a "Sensory Box".  And in the box are different items that touch all her senses:  taste, smell, touch, feel, etc...What an awesome ideal.

So yesterday, my advocate and I went shopping.  I bought a "Sensory Box" and have been filling it with stuff that excites my senses.

These are my items and why:

 - altoid mints :  they are very strong and shock my taste buds
  -Sock in baggy:  I sprayed the sock with my favorite mens                                          cologne that excites my smell..
  - squishy ball:   to hold and manipulate in my hand
  - scented sachet:  a grapevine scented sachet, to release a aroma
                            and relax my head.
 -Book of Shadows:   to read, and remind myself to "Do no                                                  Harm",  especially to myself and to journal- --Lip Gloss:      to keep my lips moist (which also helps stimulate 
                        sense of smell and taste, and causes my mouth to                             water.)
 -Lotion:       strong scented hand lotion
-Crystal rock:   this rock has sharpish edges, so when I squeeze it, it
                      stimulates my sense of pain...gets my attention.
 - Picture:   I keep a picture to remind me of my love, and person I 
                   love to look at, it stimulates my vision!

I am anxious to try these.  Hopefully, when I start to feel floaty or that I am not quite in reality, or I feel angry, sad, whatever..I can manipulate the items in my box.  By turning on my senses, this maybe will "shock" my head into coming back to reality.

I don't think it will stop an alter from fronting, if that is what they are wanting to do...but hopefully it will stop the "disassociation" or "far away" feelings and sensations I get...

S

DIMINISHED IQ

Why is it so hard for me to understand things?  Soon as anyone tries to explain something to me, especially with technical things (computer, phone, appliances etc..) my head says "fuck that shit" and the person might as well be speaking Russian.

I am the most stupid ignorant woman in the world.  Is it just fucking Sparrow, or do my alters make me the idiot I am.?

Even trying to read a fucking book, the words start to become "russian" and I can't concentrate or follow along the bouncing ball....

It is fucking amazing I can even turn on a curling iron, or drive a goddamn car.

and when someone is patiently trying to explain something to me, if I don't get it right away, then my head is fucked and I start getting extremely frustrated, irritated...I start actually feeling as dumb as I am...my head becomes mush, retarded and so fucking simple I might as well be an inanimate object or drooling simpleton.

Instead of having a 128 IQ, I now have a 40 IQ.  super stupid, super dumb, super ignorant, and can't figure out shit.  I need a goddamn fucking babysitter...I have to have someone who is smarter, normal and intelligent to assist me on the very things a normal, smarter, intelligent person should naturally be able to fucking do.  

I read that people with DID have a higher than average IQ or they have a very high IQ.  I was tested in college, and scored 128 IQ, which is deemed highly intelligent...blah blah blah...my thoughts are this...maybe I did at one point have a very intelligent mind quotient, but DID has diminished that quotient.  DID has made my intelligence fall to the "stupid dumb blonde childlike retarded brain damaged imbecile."  I AM NOT IN THE LEAST INTELLIGENT.  DID AND THE BRAIN INJURY/TUMORS HAVE TURNED A BRIGHT SMART CAPABLE INTELLIGENT WOMAN INTO A BABBLING DROOLING IDIOT THAT HAS TO HAVE HER HAND HELD AND TOLD WHAT, WHERE, WHO AND WHEN TO DO ANYTHING....I AM NOTHING MORE THAN A CHILD.

It is a good thing I have a "Legal Power of Attorney" to make decisions for me, do anything that pertains to fuck Sparrow..because left up to me, Sparrow...I would be fucked to the umpth degree...I am nothing more than a babbling fucking idiot human.

And why do I get over the top angry with myself when I don't understand something?  Why do I get so mad at myself...that is not natural...again, I AM NOTHING BUT A STUPID FREAK.

I don't know if it is the fucking brain tumors or the fucking alters that make me so fucking stupid and confused all the fucking time.  Either way I AM FUCKING SICK OF HAVING TO HAVE EVERYTHING EXPLAINED OR DONE FOR ME LIKE I AM A FUCKING CHILD.  I HATE BEING SO GODDAMN FUCKING STUPID...GODDAMN.  I HATE BEING CONFUSED ALL THE TIME.

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE MY LIFE...WHERE IN THE FUCK DID I MESS UP TO DESERVE MY FUCKED BRAIN???WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE TO BE SO STUPID???

AND YES, SPARROW IS AS STUPID AS A FUCKING PERSON CAN GET...IF SHE IS INDEED A FUCKING PERSON AT ALL....AND NOT A 6 HEADED MONSTER. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------ps....I am pretty sure Sophie helped me write this....

dreams

So a weird thing happened.  I had a dream.  In this dream, I was a little girl, and I was outside, on the side of a white house, playing with mud...making mud pies, like little kids have done forever....but in this dream, I am all alone.  I am playing alone, with no friends.  HMMMMMMM

My question is this:  do alters dream, do they have their own dream sequence...like I, Sparrow, does.  Are my dreams mine, or are they one of the alters?  Are different type dreams, my different alters?

In the dream, the little girl had shortish reddish curly hair.  My ally sees herself as a little curly haired redhead.  Was Ally dreaming? was she dreaming she was playing with mud?  and if it was her, why do I remember the dream???  I don't know or remember whenever she is fronting.

Can alters "front" in my dreams????

The alters can and do control my emotions, they can control my decisions, and they can operate without my knowledge in public situations:  for example:

Once in the store,  I walked by the toy section...Just looking for kids toys for my grandsons...I did not buy anything, just browsed.
When I got home and was putting away the merchandise I had purchased...I came across two small plastic horses (toys).  I, Sparrow, did not purchase them...did I steal them?  
So, I looked at my receipt and there they were, bought and paid for...but I have no memory of putting them in my cart, scanning them at the register and bringing them home.  
Ally did that....

But how the fuck did "Sparrow" not see them?   I remember going to the store, buying the merchandise, browsing the toy section, but not actually picking up the toys, placing them in my basket and paying for them...

Its like I was blind...

This has happened before, with a doll bed, and other smallish items.   
Does this happen to others with DID?   
It is different than black outs.  With a black out, I remember nothing, not going to the store, not doing this or that, the whole situation is blank.......
but I remember the store, buying some things, going to the toy section, but I don't remember the one little part "getting the horses".

When I fly into a rage, I remember getting mad, angry, I remember feeling so wound up inside....but I do not remember if I harm myself...I will notice marks on me, and not remember putting them there...that would have been Sophie.  Again, I remember small parts of the picture, but not the whole thing.

with Music, I will remember listening to music, I will remember songs that play, but if Sammy comes out, I don't remember her dancing,  I loose track of time,  then all of the sudden its 20 minutes later or whatever...I am dancing around and the music is still on, but playing another song....

It is so fucking bizarre how my head works....my advocate says this type of behavior has been going on since I was a small child.  How could others not see this???  Now that my advocate knows my situation, he watches me and can tell when one of the alters is fronting, or around...he can see the "subtle changes" in my demeanor.   I guess others in my life just chalked up those subtle changes as just "quirkiness" on my part.

Each alter evidently has their own mannerisms.  Like individual people have theirs.  And learning those mannerisms help in discerning who is fronting....and why..

I am learning that my alters flit in and out all the time...they mimic me, but the only ones who would notice are the ones that really watch me, know me and are observant.  

In the case of Ally buying those horses...its like my eyes were shielded and I literally didn't see myself scanning and putting those toys in the bag....did Ally shield my eyes..did she front for that couple of seconds it took to purchase those, then leave while I finished the rest?   I DON'T KNOW...HAVING ALTERS IS SO CONVOLUTED.

Talk about a mind fuck....try having alters!

S

I am Me.

I am starting to learn things about myself, things I didn't know, and things that make me go "hmmmm?"

All my life, I have had periods (black outs) where I end up somewhere I don't remember going, or I do something I don't remember doing.   I use to just chaulk it up to "busy and not being observant"....People would tell me things I said or did, and I don't remember...again I blamed it on just be scatterbrained.

Also, some days I am so happy, and my head feels so light...then BOOM out of the blue, I am so fucking sad, my head feels like the weight of the world, or I will become overly angry or irritated. I blamed that on just being a "female" or overworked mother..

I would have feeling, thoughts, whatever that made no fucking sense.  No reason to feel a certain way...but I would.

Some days, I would dress conservatively, act my age, and other days, no bra, and I would act like a teenager or kid.   One day, perfect little christian wife, the next, wild goth rock and roll woman.   I attributed that behavior to just being bored...

I have seen shrinks, because I was depressed all the time and had constant thoughts of suicide.  I was labeled "Clinically depressed with suicidal ideology".  I was put on a cocktail of drugs and had to see a therapist.   The therapist told me "the head injury and tumors are what is causing the depression and wild range of emotions."

Every time she would ask me "why do you think you are so angry, or sad, or whatever.." and my answer was always this "I don't know".  and I didn't.

I have sought counseling, seen shrinks, talked to ministers, etc, my entire life....and NEVER got the help I needed.  Just a prescription for more drugs.  

Finally, I grew the balls to leave my husband, to leave my family, my home, my state and travel away and start over.   I had to do this, I was literally on the verge of actual suicide (was even locked up).  Something in my head was pushing me forward...I thought it was the brain tumors.  

It was not....It was the alters.   It took me almost 50 fucking years to find a person who actually paid attention to me.  Who actually figured out it was more than the tumors....

I would tell this person my wildest memories (memories that seemed ridiculously false, but ended up true),  he would listen then research and actually  try to find the facts to substantiate my claims or memories.  AND ALL THE MEMORIES WERE FOUND TO BE ACTUAL FACTS AND INCIDENCES IN MY LIFE.

Slowly, my alters (which I was not aware of) began to trust this person.   When they saw that he truly cared, he believed everything I told him, they began to trust him.   This person is NOT a medical doctor of any kind.   BUT he is beyond intelligent, very resourceful and he actually loves me.

I WAS MARRIED TO JOHN 34 YEARS, AND HE NEVER TRIED TO VALIDATE MY MEMORIES.  HE NEVER TRIED TO LISTEN AND HELP ME.  HE WOULD JUST "PRAY" FOR ME.  

My life would have been so much easier had my husband actually saw "me" and worked with me, instead of against me.  I am so fucking angry it took 50 years to finally know "what the fuck is wrong with my head"...now at near 60 yrs old, I have to start all over like a newborn baby, and learn a new way of life.  I have to learn to walk again.

Not only am I living in a place that I have never been too,  I am living alone, and I am coming to terms with my alters, my family.
Ally, Lilly, Sophie, Sammy and Kaos.  My tiny apartment is full of family and life.  

It is gratifying for me to know, that I am not crazy, I am not lying, I am not making up tall tales, I am not having a vivid imagination, I am not on drugs, I am not all the things that I have been told....

I am Sparrow, I am Ally, I am Lilly, I am Sophie, and I am Sammy and I am Kaos.  I am me.  I am working real hard to accept who I really am....

S

the drink

His drink was in a glass on the dining room table.  She saw it and waited until he left the room, hopefully leaving the glass.  He left the room and his glass....

she ran to the kitchen and opened the cabinet under the sink.  She grabbed a bottle of something liquid and ran back to the dining room.   She poured the liquid into his glass.  Just like on TV,  her dad would fall over dead and he will be taken away...forever.  

He did not come back into the room.  He did not drink the mixture she prepared.

So she waited.....another day?  His drink was on the top of the TV by an ashtray, with a lit cigarette going...he went into the bathroom.   

She ran to the kitchen, grabbed the liquid and poured more into his drink.  Then she went outside, to wait.  Waiting for the people to come and take him away, just like on TV.  But, he did not die, he was not taken away.   She failed.  She could not get rid of the monster.

S 

Utube video

Last night my advocate came over and had me watch a video.  On the video was a woman in Britain or somewhere overseas who has DID.

She has 5 alters, and they are all male.  
She has an alter that wears glasses
she has an alter that is left handed
she has an alter that self-harms her
she has lost time

she is just like me.  Only my alters are female, but I have 5.  As I was watching the video and listening to her, I started getting waves of nausea and ended up puking.   I was fine until the I saw her, then her situation made me sick....her situation is my situation.  The similarities between her and me were so "spot on"....I couldn't believe it....I constantly doubt myself...

Is this real?
I am just faking?  could I be faking?  Like me, sometimes she sees herself as these other alters...she sees what she is doing...sometimes she does not.

Sometimes I can see Ally playing..its like I am in the room but not really, like I am far away watching her through a tube of some sort...I can see the silhouette of Lilly off my right shoulder...

Last night, I was walking into the kitchen and glanced in a mirror and saw "Sophie" my persecutor, my self-harmer.  The glance in the mirror was fleeting but I got the impression of a big girl, like Amazon size, with big hair (not stacked on top of head hair) but long and full, light colored....also, Sophie smokes cigarettes.

When I looked again, I saw me.  sparrow. I am very small and petite, barely 5'3 and around 110 pounds...the image in the mirror was at least 6 feet tall and strong looking...WOW

I don't know why she allowed me to see her.  I have never seen Kaos or Sammy.   My advocate believes Kaos is only a fragmented alter.  I HOPE SO.

Before my advocate came over last night, I had been in a really upset mood.  I was antsy, angry, sad, confused, frustrated and ready to fucking end it all.....But the reason I was feeling all those things was because my alters were each upset (maybe not sammy or kaos) but the others were upset.   

Ally was upset because I (sparrow) in a fit of rage, destroyed her Chrissy house and covered up all her toys.  (She thought they were gone forever)....Sophie was upset, I think, because Sparrow felt some type of rejection a couple days before (but I don't know what happened as to why she felt that way) and she punished me...She cut up my arm.

...and Lilly was out watching, because that is what she does......

After the video I watched,  my advocate asked Ally to front.  Which she did, he said she was crying and so scared her toys were broken....he assured her it was all okay, then I guess she left.  Then he talked to Sophie.  Which I believe, is the first time she ever really talked to him.   I can't remember what he told me she said, but he got answers as to why she hurts me physically.   She feels like she is the only one who should punish me.   I guess.

Oh, and Sophie hates my tattoos.  Again, tattoos are painful to get, and she is the one that wants to give me the pain.   We made an agreement.  All my tatts will be on my left side, for Sparrow, and no tattoos on my right side, for sophie.   I know that sounds goofy, but it is a compromise.   BUT  what is weird...all the tattoos I have are on the left side of my body anyway...the right is not marked up at all except the "R" on my hand for right.  Which, Sophie did not like at all...but when my advocate told her why I have a "R" on my hand, she understood, I guess.

It is fucking amazing, that after my advocate talked with all the alters, cleaned up the mess of Allys things, and we discussed the video, I started feeling so much better.   The pressure in my head began to clear up, and I felt lighter, easier, happier.

This girl in the video, was married, and her husband loves her.  They refer to her alters as a family.   I need to start looking at my alters as my family, not my enemies.  She had to learn to integrate her alters into her life...she learned to recognize them and accommodate them.   WOW....I want to do that, but it is so hard to accept....Plus she had a whole crew of friends that supported her and each of her alters equally.  They are friends to her alters as well as herself.   I want that.  It is just gonna take me a long time to be easy around other people...I have this horrible fear of being looked at as a "circus" show.  I have a fear of people only wanting to be my friend so they can hang out with me hoping one of the alters will front...I have a fear of being a curiosity, not really a friend.

I believe it took years for the girl in the video to get to where she is now in her life.   I need to be patient, I guess.    I want to watch the video again, I missed the last part of it, because I was puking in the toilet....sigh....

S

the horror/serial killer

She sits behind the closed door.  Leaning on it to prevent it from opening.

Virtually every time she walks past him, he trips her, or kicks her, or slaps her head or pinches her, and stares at her..

When he pulls her onto his lap (especially when she wears shorts or dresses) his hand rest on her crotch, his fingers poke and tickle her private place...under her panties.

                                                          -him fingering me...

The horror ends when he is sleeping.
The horror begins when he awakes..
The horror never stops
The horror fills her dreams
the horror moves her forward...

-------------------------------------------------------------

It would be so easy to stop the mutiny in my head.
It would be so easy to spare others the constant confusion that surrounds me.

It would be so easy to slip away.    Should I just drive until I reach the sea?

I am nothing but constant heartache for anyone who tries to help me, to love me.  Nobody can truly love a person whose mind is splintered and fractured beyond repair.

My brain cannot be fixed.
It is permanently disfigured and hideous.
and I want to give all the praise and glory to my mother and "dad" who made fucking sure that I would be the pile of rancid trash that I am today.
Second hand goods...
Life is a bitch then you die.
Some sooner than others.  But when I die, I am taking out 5 other "people/identities"....that will make me a serial killer.

How fucking twisted is that?  A serial killer of my own mind.....

brain matter

My bio says, 1 life, 6 alters.   It needs to be changed to 6 lives and no identity.  

Someone said something to me today and it has caused me to pause and think.  Let me preface with a little history.  Each alter has their own unique personality, their own ideals, their own agendas.  When an alter fronts for my advocate, that alter is my identity at that moment.  

But what was said about that identity is what is bothering me.   My advocate said my alters (whoever is fronting) believes that Sparrow is an alter.   To Lilly, sparrow is just as much an alter as the others...

So basically what this boils down too is my entire frontal lobe of my brain, my entire "personality center/ who I am" "my morals, my beliefs, everything is not just Sparrow.  It is a fragmented bowl of mushed brain matter...

I AM NOT WHOLE.

My alters control everything about me.  They even control my sex life.  I cannot even enjoy sex as Sparrow.   Because Sparrow is never allowed to be completely in charge of herself.   Who THE FUCK WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ONE PERSON AND THEN ANOTHER POPS OUT...SURPRISE...

My mother rejected me as a baby and child/teenager/adult.  My daddy rejected me by allowing that monster to adopt me.   My husband rejected me by choosing God over me.  God and his job.
So when I am rejected sexually either because of a fucking alter, or just not in the mood, it hits me like a fucking tital wave.   Here it comes...the anger, sadness, unworthiness, embarrassment for putting myself out there, being so damn ashamed of myself.  I want to run off and hide.  I cannot even show my face....I am filthy and dirty...at least that is how I feel.  My head starts telling me I am ugly, disgusting, fat, stinky, skank.  I deserve to be rejected.

I was told to ask or go after what I want...but when I do just that, I am cast aside and left with an aching need..made to look stupid.  To feel stupid beyond measure.   

The only way I know to combat this fucking shit in my brain is to isolate myself.   To not be around the very ones I ache to be around.  It is the only way to not embarrass myself.  It is the only way I know I will not be rejected.  If I am removed from the situation there is no temptation, no rejection...

I will never accept my alters.  I will never accept that I am a legit person...even my alters think Sparrow is an alter...I have no single identity...I am fragmented, broken and I cannot be fixed.  EVER

THANK YOU MOM FOR NOT ABORTING ME....ONLY I WISHED YOU WOULD HAVE.  I WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF NOT BEING BORN.  

signed,
a tiny piece of brain matter called sparrow

Get Smart

There once was the little girl, who lived in a little house, in a little town, with a little sister.  This little girl, was alone, all the time.  She had to sneak avenues of pleasure, sneak play, sneak TV, sneak eat...this little girl loved to watch TV.  And after she was sent to bed, often times, she would sneak into the hallway where she could see TV uninterrupted.

One evening after dinner, the TV was on.  And he was there on the couch watching it.  The mom had finished cleaning up the dinner dishes and came into the living room.  From her room just down the hall, she could hear their voices getting louder,  then the TV got louder, she heard yelling, but she also heard the TV, and the show that was on was one she liked to watch when she could.

So she snuck into the hall and scooted to the area that she could watch the TV show undetected.   She soon was able to partially block out the yelling, and drunken swearing to watch the show.  

She saw his fist strike her mother hard in the shoulder,  she tried to concentrate on the TV show.  She heard the loud thud as her mom was thrown to the floor....she heard the scraping of her mothers feet against the floor...it looked to the girl that her mom was trying to run laying flat on her back...  She couldn't help but watch as the dad, kicked her and raped her.   She couldn't help but see him grab handfuls of her hair and beat her head against the floor..She wanted to run to her mom, but her feet would not move...she watched as her mom raised up her head and bit the dad in the face...She couldn't hear if her mom was crying, the TV was too loud...but she could hear him, see him, his huge gross sloppy body over her mother...she could only see her moms feet "run"..

He got up and spat on her mom and walked into the bedroom and slammed the door.   He walked right past the little girl...she was invisible.

She ran to her mom and reached out to touch her, to see if she was okay, alive...but her mother just slapped her hand away.  

On the TV "Get Smart" was almost over....they had defeated the enemy, once again.

That was the day, Kaos was born.

S

The Octopus

So I have decided to legally change my name to Sparrow.  Legally it is still Melissa.  But I am no longer Melissa, and for the past 3 yrs I have been called Sparrow by my friends and some of my family.

I sent emails to my family telling them of my decision.  Most everyone was okay about it.   My dad, called to talk with me.  He said it would be really hard for him to not call me "Missy, or Melissa" because for 50+ yrs that has been my name.  I get that, it takes time for change to be implemented.

But he also talked to me about changing.  He gave me an analogy,
"An Octopus is an octopus, even if you start calling it a catfish, it is still an octopus".    So what he is saying, that no matter what I do for myself:  move away, split from husband, change name, etc, I will still be plain oh "Missy/Melissa".

That crushed my soul.  I am not Melissa, certainly not Missy.  My dad believes no matter what I do or say, I will never change.  I will always be Melissa.   I beg to differ.

My cousin said it would be hard for her as my father (Gary, bio dad) named me the name "Melissa".  I informed her that was not true, as my mom found my name in a magazine after I was born.  She had no name for me, and neither did my bio-dad.  I was named after a person in a fucking magazine.   THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL OR SENTIMENTAL ABOUT MY NAME.

So why keep it?  I hate it, I hate Melissa.   Melissa was a sad excuse for a person.   Sparrow is new.  She has her own identity and she is happy and free.   I have been born again.  I am Sparrow now.  I cringe inside when someone calls me Melissa....that is how much I fucking hate that name.  I will be so glad when I can get to the courts and change that horrible name.

I am also dropping my middle name "Anne".  I will just be Sparrow.

I mean, why not?  who the fuck cares, certainly not my mother, she could give a shit what I called myself...

So, Sparrow is NOT an octopus.  She is a bird, flying free..

S 

My Daddy

I miss my daddy.  But, I am so thankful he is not alive today to see what his daughter has become.   My daddy loved me, he loved my husband and he loved his lord and savior.  My daddy always told me that I "did good" by marrying my  husband.  He was so proud of me and my kids, he was so proud when my husband and I stepped up to adopt my nephew and to raise him as our son.   He was so fucking proud of my husband.  He bragged about him all the time.  What a great man, father, husband, christian.  My daddy  had no ideal I was so miserable in my marriage.  My daddy had no ideal I cheated on my husband, I did drugs, whatever....He was proud of me.

I am glad he died.   Because I could not bear to look into his eyes today.  I could not bear the disappointment I would see there.  The disappointment of me leaving my husband and family, the disappointment of me moving so far away, and especially the disappointment he would have because I walked away from Christianity and his lord and savior.  He would be shocked and angry that I embraced Wicca.  I fear he would have disowned me.  My brothers have...

I am so glad he cannot see the type of daughter I really am...the kind of woman I am, the person I have become.  And I am relieved beyond all measure that I do not have to tell him about my alters...he would never believe it anyway....

I have a picture of him in his Navy suit.  It was taken exactly one month before he died.  In the picture he is looking and smiling at me...In this picture he was proud of me..

So I look at this picture....and it reminds me of just how far I have fallen.  I failed my daddy.  I am so glad he cannot see my failure.I am so glad he never had to experience the death of his great grandson..I am so glad he never knew the lie I had to live to have the life he thought I had....He gets to rest in peace.   My gift to him.

I loved you daddy, I forgave you a long time ago for leaving me with mom and him...I wish I had been a better daughter to you.

S

Hiding alters

I don't understand why I am so fucking emotional...are one of my alters unhappy?  I am so fucking sad, and for no apparent reason.  I just want to hide from everyone.  

I can't even bring myself to be with the person I care very deeply for and love.  I feel so ashamed and unworthy.  But I can't figure out why???  

I have no fucking reason to be depressed, I have everything.  I have no fucking reason to be so damned sad.    I don't even want to blog anymore....seems senseless...yet here I am, blogging.   My head is screaming and only I can hear it.  SHUT THE FUCK UP

I try to act normal, sound normal, I deflect....no one needs to know the fucking roaring in my head.   Its my cross to bear...I just keep telling myself, I will get over this...don't do anything drastic, wait one more hour, one more day...

I CAN'T QUIET MY HEAD...IT EVEN SCREAMS IN MY SLEEP.  SHUT UP, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP...

okay, settle down....breathe....count to 100,000....think good thoughts....breathe.....don't forget to breathe.....turn the music up

"Welcome to the jungle'....perfect

Mothers Day

Today is Mothers Day.   Just what exactly does that mean?  Does that mean that all the kids in the world are suppose to have lunch with their mom and celebrate her "motherness"?  Is it a day to reflect on the love you have for your mother, the thankfulness of all the things she has taught you and your appreciation of her??  Is it a day that kids are suppose to treat their mom like a Queen?

Not all mothers deserve praise and adoration.  Some mothers need to be bitch slapped in the face and kicked in the ass.

I DID NOT HAVE A MOTHER growing up.  Yes, my mother was alive, but that is it.  She did not teach me how to cook, how to clean, how to sew, she did not teach me how to share.  She did not teach me how to do my make up.  She never took me shopping for clothes except school clothes.  We never went to dinner together, just her and I.  We never sat down and talked about sex or me getting my period or boy problems or anything.  She does not call me to check on me or to just chat.   My mother taught me hate, confusion and fear.

I learned to stay out of her line of sight.  I learned to leave a room when she entered it.  I learned that she did not want me, that she would have aborted me if she was able too....My mother handed me over to her sick fuck husband to use and abuse.  My mother shared me with him...

My mother never came to any of my school activities.  She did not support or watch any of my softball games, or gymnastic shows.  She did not praise a good report card.   My mother scorned me, yelled at me and hit me with any item she could get her hands on.

However,  my mother did "put a roof over my head"  "she fed me and clothed me" and she bought me luggage for my high school graduation.  In other words, get the fuck out of my house.

So, do I wish my Mother a happy mothers day???  NO.  but since I am a bigger person than her, I will send a card.  

I tried to be the mother to my kids, that I did not have.  I loved them and cherished them.  I supported them in every one of their endeavors.  I cheered them on when they were happy, and I cried with them when they were sad...I was there for them their entire life.   I lived and died for my kids.

BUT, when I decided to leave their father so I could have MY life and finally be happy...my kids scorned me.  One will not even speak to me anymore.   So, what I have learned is that, no matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you sacrifice for someone, no matter how much you do for someone, in the end...it doesn't matter...you still get kicked in the teeth and thrown away like trash.

So no HAPPY MOTHERS DAY for me.   My mom sucked and obviously the apple does not fall far from the tree.  My kids think I suck too....

Maybe I am just like my mom...a fucking nightmare bitch.  Imagine a mother wanting to be happy....fuck that.  For me to be happy I had to sacrifice my kids, apparently...so be it.

I am a selfish, self centered, narcissistic, dumb ass stupid bitch mother.  Happy Mothers day to me.

S

I dance

I dance, the music releases calm

through  her  body

Music sends vibes

deep into her  bones

It takes my words

and feeds them 

to the beat

Dancing is my speech

her body screams out words

with every note

I get lost

I get safe

I get release

I get to dance

music fills me up

music speaks for me

I grieve

I guess I am done
I have nothing more to say
I have done what I could,
but they are here to stay.

Time to move along
I cannot write,
I have reached my end
I guess its alright.

Once was one,
but now there's five,
that leaves six
to take the dive.

They're always here,
they do not leave.
my heart beats on,
but still I grieve.....

S

narcissist

So, I had written about what it must have been like for my kids to have a mom with DID.  How it must have been so hard for them, my fears as a mom etc...

But it was explained to me, that I should not have those fears or thoughts etc...so I deleted my post.  Evidently my alters only effect me, not my kids.  Ok, good to know.

So I guess my kids are good, protected from mom, whatever...
and I really shouldn't write about what is actually not an issue.  It was an issue in my own head, but that is the problem...AN ISSUE IN MY OWN HEAD AND NOT MY KIDS...

I guess it is senseless to write about me, or what I think or feel, because in reality my feelings are only me.  Nobody else, family, friends whatever, really notice or think about me and my behavior, that is all on me.  Talk about narcissistic...

I get that now.   I live in a fantasy world of alters, but reality is reality....My alters are only a problem to me...no one else even notices or much less cares....its just life.

Well that is a revelation.  What I have perceived as all consuming does not even make a blip on the screen of reality.  Alters are nothing...I, of course, am nothing too.

S

Melt down

So yesterday started out a good day.  I got up, had my coffee, looked at the internet news and blogged.

My plans were to pick up a friend and go to the park to check on Gage's Tree.   On the way to pick up the friend, I got lost.  In talking on the phone with the friend, he confused me even more with his directions and when confusion sets in, then anger comes, frustration, etc...then boom......BLACKNESS

One minute I am driving trying to find a place and the next I am being woken up on my bed by my advocate who had been looking for me because apparently Sophie sent him a curse word laden text message.  Yes, Lilly and Sophie can operate my cell phone.

I do not know how I got back to my apartment...but the clues are there....Lilly drove me home.   How do I know that?  Lilly cannot back a car up to park.  I always back into my parking spot, always.  Lilly just pulls the jeep straight in, nose first.  So, Lilly took over when I "lost" it.

Also at some point Sophie fronted, because "stupid pig" was written in sharpie on my arm.  Sophie is my punisher.  Sophie is the alter that harms me.  She has burned me, cut me, even broken bones, written on me, anything to hurt me.  Why???  Not sure, we are just learning about Sophie.  Sophie is extremely angry and is a MMA Fighter to the max!  My advocate has even tangled with her in fisticuffs...haha (He told me this, her hitting him, not him hitting her back... I do not remember).

After I was awakened from what I thought was a nap...the events of the day slowly started coming back...I remember driving to pick up the friend, then taking a nap.....nothing in between.  So when I loose big chunks of time like that it is very confusing and leaves me dazed and in a dreamy like state...

The rest of the day into evening was exhausting for me physically and emotionally.  Part of my exhaustion comes from each alter making an appearance after one of these episodes.  For example, briefly Sophie came out and talked with my advocate and he reassured her that everything was okay and she left shortly afterwards.  Moments later, Sammy fronted without any triggers from music (this is unusual for her) my advocate and her signed for a few moments and then she faded out.  Even my little, Ally, fronted briefly to play.

One thing that we have learned from this episode is that it must be some kind of a system check.  Each alter briefly fronts to check on Sparrow.  They appear to check where she is at, and if she is okay, which of course, exhaust me mentally.  Most people only have one personality and run one brain... I have 6 personalities that run 6 brains independently of each other...that is what I mean by mentally exhausted...talk about a brain workout!

This does not happen everyday, thank goodness.  The trigger that brought out Sophie and Lilly was the "confusion, anger and embarrassment about being lost"  extreme confusion and frustration are triggers...

My sleep last night in bed, was very restless, I tossed and turned all night...which also happens after a "fuck" day.

S

Neurologist wet dream...

So, I have been told that I sleep walk.  I have evidently sleep walked since I was a small child.  In oklahoma, we even had a security system on our home to keep me (and the kids) in the house at night....(didn't really get the alarm for burglers!!)

I can always tell when I sleep walk.   Before I go to bed at night, the entire apartment is straightened up and everything is in its rightful place.  
When I wake up the next day, I can walk around and see things that have been moved or played with.

Well....my sleep walking was not actual sleep walking.  It is my alter, Ally, most of the time.  When I am sleeping or napping, she will use that time to front and play.  She will play with her dolls, color or whatever the fuck little kids do, then she will lay down and later I wake up.

When I was on my 5000 mile trip a couple of years back and staying at a motel, I swam in the indoor pool and did not even know it.  The next morning when I got up, my shorts and shirt were in a wet heep on the floor....I "went swimming",  not sure which alter did the swimming, but FUCK, how weird.  Thus, the security system...haha

Now I look back and realize the "sleep walking" was not what I was doing, I had no clue that it was an "alter" doing the walking around and playing, not me, not me asleep...but my other me!

So much of my past behavior, was just passed off as "well thats Missy, or thats Melissa, or thats mom"  and nobody really noticed me.
I have been invisible my entire life, until now.

Everything is starting to make sense.  Why did I do this or that?  well, it wasn't me....it was an alter.  WOW

The black outs I have had my entire life, were not black outs at all, they were the times my "alters" were fronting...

So much of what I blamed the brain tumors for, was actually not all those tumors at all, but "all those alters, instead"...

It is tricky for me, because some of my weird oddities are tumor related because all the fucking tumors (13+) in my frontal lobes, which is the cognitive, and personality hub of the brain.  And there is also radiation damage to my frontal lobes....

I think the tumors cause :most of the headaches
                                        - my inability to read long passages in books or magazines          in books or magazines
                                        - alot of my forgetfulness
                                        - my ability to concentrate
                                        - and the PTSD and panic attacks
                                        - my personality (no longer Melissa)

But the alters can cause some of those too....My brain really is a 
conundrum of questions and hypothesis... 

Is it the brain damage and brain tumors?
Is it the "alters"?
One thing is for sure, the brain tumors are documented and I have pictures of them, they are reality.
My alters are also documented and were with me before the brain tumors and subsequent brain radiation surgery and brain injury.

So I have two very different brain conditions, that are at odds with eachother but are having to work together....it makes for a Neurologist wet dream...haha

Another weird thing about my brain...I can't remember shit, I forget day to day activities, I forget places I have been or things I have seen, etc...BUT  I remember pictures.  

for example:  Do you remember us going to the beach.?
                            - Immediately, in my brain, I start flipping over pictures....if I took a picture of me at the beach, my mind can find the picture and say "ok" yea, I have a picture of the beach.
If there is no picture taken of that beach visit.  It is gone from my memory forever, ....I still will not remember actually being at the beach, but if I find a picture, then at least I know, I was at the beach and seemed to enjoy it by the smile on my face....and I can say, I have been to the beach.

This is why I take thousands of pictures...The only "memories" I have of my kids childhoods is because of all the millions of pictures I took...I can see pics of their parties, accomplishments, sports etc..and know that I was there....don't remember being there, but the pics prove I was there and was loving my kids.

Same with movies and TV...if I watch the movie, I will remember every part of the movie for ever more, because a movie is just a moving picture show....a series of pictures on film...I can remember every movie I have ever scene, because of my "picture" memory brain....fucking weird as hell....
Now if I go to the theater and watch a play or dramatic re-inaction, if there are no pictures taken, I will not remember the play...I have to have pictures, not necessarily to remember the event, but to reassure myself that I have done this or that and was happy or whatever while I was doing it....

Sometimes, though, and this is starting to happen more frequently, a picture will spawn a memory...or a picture can be a trigger.  A picture may help me remember something good or happy, and it can also cause me to remember something tragic or horrible...

My mind is a Rolodex of pictures.   I scroll through to see if I remember or was there...However, a couple of my alters remember everything.  They remember things I do not remember...so how is that for fucking weird and bizarre?

Again, I am a Neurologist wet dream...

S