So, as everyone knows, I left my husband of 34 yrs. I moved literally 1000 miles away to a place I had never been too. I only knew one person (from High school) in the entire state.
My decision to leave Oklahoma City and the entire state of OK.
I knew that if I stayed there, I would eventually co-mitt suicide, because I was so miserable. So I did what was best for me. I left.
My son, who lives in Oklahoma asked me to make "birthday" videos for the boys (my grandsons) so they could play it too them. With all this corona virus social distancing shit, the boys could not have a party.
So, I sat down and videotaped myself...I discovered two things by this:
1. I look like a dork, sound like a dork and act like a dork...
and 2. I realized how much I miss my grandsons. How much I
miss their smiles, their little faces, their sports, their antics..
Was I wrong to leave Oklahoma, their papa? What kind of example am I setting for my grand-kids?
I am being flooded with guilt. Flooded with shame...Flooded with "what ifs"....My grandsons are going to grow up not knowing who their memaw is...they will forget as they get older...I will become like the great great aunt that lives a long way off...a distant relative.
Can I handle that? John will be there with them every step of the way...they will remember and love him....am I jealous?? I want my grandsons to love their papa, but I want them to love me too.....
But I guess I made the decision to forfeit their love by moving so far away and leaving their papa. I brought it all on myself. I have nobody to blame, but me. I seem to wreck everything, to screw up a good thing, to fuck up....
I have been fucking up my entire life. I never seem to know what is good and what is bad for me....but I am a pro at picking things that destroy me...
So I guess I will have to brush up on my self-video recording. And not appear to be such a fucking dork, I would hate for my grandsons to remember me by my stupid dork videos...haha
S
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