Tuesday, April 14, 2020

I wish

I wish I could go back to Oklahoma and see my family.  I wish that by seeing them, they would be happy to see me.  I wish that my mother would wrap me in her arms and tell me she loves me...I wish my kids would hug me and tell me the same.

I wish I had the kind of family that loves, cherishes and supports eachother....I wish I could sit across a table from my mother and really talk.  Talk about life, our struggles, our dreams, our memories...I wish my mother wanted me.  I wish my mother would understand.

I wish my daddy was still alive...I have so much to tell him.  So many memories to share with him...I miss his hugs...I miss his email every morning waiting for me on my computer.  I miss the "safety" I felt when I was around him.

I wish my sister would truly love me and not treat me like a lesser person, but her equal.  I wish my brothers would call me and chat.  I wish we all loved eachother and made time to get together to visit.

I wish I was not an orphan.   I wish I could share private girly things with my mother.  I wish I could share with her my triumphs and my tragedies, pictures of my adventures, my life.  I wish she cared.  

I wish my grandson hadn't died.  I wish I could hold him and play with him and love him more....a part of me died with him..

I wish I wasn't so alone....I wish I had been good enough for my mom, my siblings and children...but my wishes were dashed...

I wish I was good enough period.   I wish I had been born to a different family, in a different time and in a different place.  I wish I had had parents who loved me and protected me.  I wish I had had a family where I mattered and I was important.  I wish I had had a husband who listened to me and really tried to be my partner.  A man who felt his wife was more important than his job or God.  I wish I would have mattered to him....

I wish my life had never happened.

S

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