Dissaciative

DISSOCIATIVE;
                    disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts,
                    memories, surroundings, actions, and identity.

SYMPTOMS;
                   -amnesia
                   -depersonalization (feeling disconnected from your 
                     own body.
                   -derealisation (feeling disconnected from the
                     world around you.
                   -identity confusion ( you might not have a sense of
                     who you are.)

All my life,  I have never felt like I belong, I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in...there, but not really there...I would have constant feelings of DeJaVu .   I never felt smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, I never felt enough of anything to actually fit in to anything....

Its like being in a dream.   I never felt like I was part of society, more like a by-product of society.   I was never important enough, skilled enough, whatever....I have always felt inadequate or like I don't matter...I have always been invisible.

I would lose huge blocks of time, but just blow it off...I forgot.
I have no ideal who I am?  what I am?  why I am...am I a wife? a daughter? a lover? a submissive? a child? a person?
Am I heterosexual or bisexual....

I have flit here and there, changing myself, trying to figure out who I am, and failing miserably every fucking time.  

I have felt disconnected from life and reality and my environment my entire life.....

I have always felt like "everyone hates me" and they are only nice because they have to be, or just saying nice things because they are expected too...I always feel like I am a fucking lie, not real...alien.

Its so hard to explain feeling disconnected...reality seems distant.

NOW, that I am realizing my alters,  things are becoming more clear to me, explanations are being given,  and the feeling of "disconnect" is getting better....

S